Suffering from mental illness means an almost continual challenge of trying to obtain good mental health. Today was definitely a little bit easier than yesterday despite another terrible night’s sleep. Today at the partial hospitalization program, I saw the psychiatric nurse practitioner and I told him how difficult sleep was for me. I forgot to mention the anxiety that I experience but I will see him again next week and I can mention it at that time. The NP asked me about Seroquel and Melatonin but because I am a diabetic, Seroquel is a no-go. Unfortunately, Seroquel can cause blood sugar problems for diabetics so that’s out. The doctors will not prescribe Ambien because it is an addictive benzodiazepine and I was addicted to it. I had withdrawal when coming off of Ambien which basically caused me not to sleep for a month.
In other words, I am a mess right now and I need to take it one day at a time for a while. My sleep is still really screwed up and I am having racing thoughts at night. Anyhow, the nurse practitioner added Trazadone to the Doxepin at night. The hope is that this helps me fall asleep and that I get a good night’s sleep. Today the partial hospitalization program was kind of a waste. They do something called Fun Fridays but I neither found this beneficial nor gained any new knowledge from it.
I am trying to find something to be grateful for but even struggling to do that right now because the future just looks so awfully bleak. I do not even know why I soldier on but I am not exactly suicidal. I am in a slightly better place now than I was when I was admitted to the hospital. The challenge I am immediately facing is sleep and racing thoughts at night – I really need a good night’s rest. I mentioned wanting to go back to work and the nurse practitioner said that stabilization is far more important and he’s really right.
This has been a really weird year as my psychiatric problems really happened in the winter. Traditionally, psychiatric problems for me happened in the summer and we are not even in the summer season yet. I really want to stay out of the hospital this summer. I would really like to go back to work this summer in some capacity. I hope that the partial hospitalization program can steer me to some employment resources that could help me obtain/keep a job. Well that’s about all for now. Hope this blog shuts down some of the racing thoughts.