I had a bad night last night that was plagued with dreams about the bad time I had attending Middle and High School at one particular school before changing. It was one complete dream sequence that was scarily accurate. But even before going to sleep last night I was exhausted and dragged down by this premature heat wave we are having. When I came home from my partial hospitalization program, I had absolutely no desire to do anything at all. I wanted to take a walk but I just surrendered to the heat. Instead, I decided to create an account on Coursera and a learning plan because I would like to learn a little more about WordPress. One of my goals is to redo my blog website to have a little about me and my interests.
Last night I was so beleaguered by the heat that I did not even have the energy to shower so I showered and shaved this morning instead – Really exciting, I know. I did discover a really gripping and interesting show that originally aired on AMC but is now streaming on PlutoTV called The Divide. The show is a law drama that is decidedly anti-capital punishment, anti-prosecutor, and has a conflicted relationship with the police. In other words, this is a show that is right up my alley. I watched two episodes and then decided to turn in.
Before I move on to how I am feeling today, I was pleasantly surprised by one of my partial program group members, Steven. Steven is a recovering alcoholic with 10 days sober and I really appreciated how he candidly related his struggles and how he feels as if he is razor-thin close to relapse but is winning the fight. When I hear how other people struggle and win, it helps me realize just how possible mental health recovery is for me. I gave him my phone number and told him to call me if he needs or wants to. He called me yesterday afternoon to relate the intensity of his struggle at the moment. I felt honored that he called me so I gave him my very best pep talk and told him how if he stays sober today, people will be applauding him tomorrow. It made me feel better to have an impact on his life.
This morning I feel unmotivated and really do not want to go to the partial program but it is a commitment that I have made to myself and when I make that kind of earnest commitment, I feel worse if I do not follow through. When the transportation van driver gave me the call to ask me if I was coming, I reluctantly said that I would. I just do not feel like dealing with the 12 steps of recovery today. I don’t feel like attending the groups and doing the self-analysis. One of the other members of the group who is a really good and decent person got on my last nerve. She’s a hypochondriac and I am normally a patient and tolerant person when it comes to my fellow mental illness sufferers but the discussion is being circular. She’s asking the same questions and re-stating the same fears. Every single one of us told her the pathway to getting better and she refuses to hear it.
Yes, I am dysfunctional but I am slowly learning how to function better and manage my mental health symptoms instead of being ruled by them. Last night I did not do so well in that regard but today is a new day and I can, I am willing, and I am able to do better.