The isolation and the current conditions of COVID-19 have taken their toll on me. I find myself thinking (wishing almost) that if I got COVID that my problems would be over. Life feels super hopeless right now and I just want to ramble so please bare with me. The last several days have been very hard for me mentally and emotionally so I am trying to write a few things down. This morning I actually called the Suicide Prevention Hotline when things felt especially bad and I made a promise to the kindly older woman on the other end of the line that I would take myself to the emergency room if I found myself going to the medication cupboard.
Adding to the isolation of COVID-19 is being on the autism spectrum which takes ordinary functioning and makes it ten times more difficult. I am starting to shutdown again. The cloak of catatonia is closing in on me and I don’t really know what to do. When things reach a certain point, I just cease to function and that is what is beginning to happen. The warning signs are blaring and glaring. What do you do when you feel like there is no hope for a future? What do you do when you feel like no matter what you try to do, you just fail?
Do I go back to the hospital where they patch me up and ship me home? That seems to be the sum total of the year. I get hospitalized 4 times in the span of a single year. Although I am in a really bad way because this time I won’t really be able to say anything. I don’t know that there are any other medication combinations available. I really and truly feel like I am lost at sea and the life preserver that is supposed to help keep me afloat is full of holes.
The mental health community says that I am worthwhile and that I matter yet I feel as if neither are true. I feel as if I am a burden to society and my family. Maybe the fucking republicans are right. Maybe I should just die faster and stop being a drag on society. Hell I am probably headed back to the behavioral health unit at the local hospital for them to patch me up and ship me home. Sometimes I truly wonder if the best I can hope for is my death.