Today the depression is really crippling and I am glad that I have this blog as an outlet because right now it is the only outlet that I have for expression. I don’t have suicidal thoughts or suicidal ideation right now but I feel as if I cannot function and I do not want to function. I feel a sense of pervasive, thorough hopelessness and this is despite having a job interview next week in an information technology role after being out of it for so long. This should be treated as good news but I instead do not care. In fact, I want to blow the whole thing off; not even wanting to show up.
My doctor made a change in my medication from Cymbalta to Pristiq but I have my doubts that Pristiq will even work. Pristiq is in the same family of medications as Effexor and I was originally on the Effexor/Remeron combination. The combination worked okay up until it didn’t. That seems to be the story of my life. Medications seem to work okay for a few months and then stop and the depression comes back every bit as bad. Today I found myself wishing that I had a Xanax that I could take and just drift away and forget the depression. But that would be a bad idea because it took me so long to get off of an Ambien addiction.
I have my therapy appointment tomorrow and I just do not even care about that. I don’t even know what to talk about other than I feel absolutely worthless and there is nothing anybody can do about it. I feel like I am a waste of matter and space, like the Republicans are absolutely right. What’s truly sickening is that if I were wealthy, I would be getting the very best of care. Hell, if I were wealthy I probably wouldn’t be depressed because I wouldn’t be worried about the future or worried about taking care of myself. Instead I face the reality of grinding poverty and very little assistance. I face the reality that, in American society, I am to blame for my own position in life. The best I have to hope for would be a lottery win and we all know that I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning than that happening.
I find myself wondering how I am going to make it for two and a half more hours until I can go to sleep for the night and end the misery that the day is. It seems like sleep is the only thing that brings relief from the depression. Sleep is about all I have to look forward to. I cannot even summon the effort to look for work today. I made a half-hearted attempt which I guess was better than nothing at all.