One of the most puzzling aspects of mental illness is that some days are easier than others even when nothing has changed. Yesterday I awoke doom and gloom and this morning I awoke doing okay. It’s absolutely inexplicable because literally nothing has changed and nothing will change in my routine today. In fact, I am less than 24 hours from my ECT appointment tomorrow so I should be feeling anxiety and dread yet I am not even thinking about it. I realize that there can be some natural mood variance day to day but this is more like a pendulum swing than a minor change and it absolutely confounds me.
Maybe I am riding a little bit of a congratulatory afterglow from last night when I had an understanding break through of a concept I was struggling with. I am an open source operating system guy and I run OpenBSD. OpenBSD (and Unix-like operating systems in general) have a feature called cron which is designed to automate tasks and run them at certain times. I was having trouble understanding how to properly create a job to run approximately every 60 days or every other month. Cron was clearly written with the programmer in mind and I am not a programmer so I had to do a lot of Googling. I found a wizard that would give me the correct syntax but I wanted to understand why this was correct. If I can understand the why, then I really can ‘grok’ the subject. I worked backwards from the correct syntax, read over the man page, and voila I understand how it works. That made me feel good.
The main goal for today is basically to stay relaxed and not think about tomorrow. I want and need to keep my anxiety in check because I really do not want to do ECT tomorrow. I wish I did not have a form of Bipolar Depression that is so drug treatment resistant. The thing about ECT is that it makes the medications that I am on work a lot better and helps overall so it’s worth doing for those reasons. My friend Jim has awakened a long dormant hobby of mine which is computer gaming. I bought this USB gamepad so I can play games on the computer without having to use the keyboard. Games have gotten super sophisticated these days with lots of buttons and controls. I keep getting killed while playing Grand Theft Auto IV because I am struggling with the muscle memory to use the right buttons on the gamepad. I may have a challenge for today!