Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

Feeling Like A Failure

This afternoon I am feeling like an utter failure. I failed at life in America; failed at capitalism and failed at adulting. I really shouldn’t be feeling this way because I had a productive morning. I had my intake for Section 8 housing with NAMI so the wait is over for affordable housing. I guess I feel bad because I am going from a 2 bedroom apartment to a room in a shared house. I mean I know this ultimately the right move for me because I cannot afford a regular apartment anymore. I hate that I failed in being able to adult very well.

I feel almost like crying and that the future looks so bleak. I have to remind myself that this is a feeling and not a fact. The facts are that I took responsible steps to get affordable housing and I did this on my own. This is something that I want to be proud of. I am doing everything in my power to set myself up for some future success. I am going to have Social Security Disability and Medicare. I’m going to do the best that I can.

I just want to stop this feeling of failure because I haven’t failed. I’ve just had several setbacks, I am in recovery, and this is okay. I’m not a praying man but I am hopeful that I’ll get a positive decision from Social Security. I am hoping that they will find that the disability has come back and that I need help. If they don’t find in my favor, it will be a struggle but I’ll figure something out.

I am in the position where I need to just live moment by moment. When I look into the future, it looks hopeless. When I look into the past, I only see how far I’ve fallen since. I am enjoying a little lunch and then I’ll work towards getting my apartment straightened up this evening. I’m probably going to close my eyes and take a nap; take things one step at a time..

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