As I feared, I awoke this morning feeling worse today than I did yesterday and this was despite having a good night’s rest with strange but mild dreams. I am in a personal debate as to whether or not to drive myself to the emergency department at the local hospital. I feel incredibly down but I know that I don’t look as bad as I feel. Psychiatrists talk about something called affective emotion which is how your emotions manifest themselves externally on your body. I get that affective emotion can be a telltale sign of how somebody is doing overall but for me, it is not a reliable indicator. Being disabled and on the autism spectrum, there can be a marked disconnect between what shows visibly and how I feel internally.
I have really lost a lot of hope this morning and believe now that my life is doomed to being a series of peaks and valleys; periods of time between hospitalizations. I wish society could see how hard I am trying. I really would like to be able to go back to work and lead a semi-normal (or let’s just say normal for me) life. I was thinking about a driving job but I don’t know that I can handle the stress of it. I don’t know that I can handle the stress of anything right now. The challenge I always face is in really knowing myself because I am so hard to predict that I cannot even predict how I will feel day to day. I do not always know what will and will not bother me.
I guess I will just muddle through today despite feeling pretty bad. I feel like I want to sob but I am unable to effect that release of emotion because the antidepressants prevent that from happening. So I feel like I am in this weird, uncomfortable limbo between ready to break down and cry and just sit in some form of catatonia. On one hand I know that finding work will provide a routine for me and be good while on the other, I am afraid that the slightest on the job stressor will cause me to go over the cliff. Maybe I am ready to go over that cliff without even so much as a push.
I just want to take a whole lot of medicine, go to sleep, and make the day go by or maybe go to sleep and just not wake up. I am thinking a lot of death and suicide because I do not have much to live for. I wonder how my cousin Mark Silverman did it. If I had to guess, he probably overdosed on a medication and went peacefully in his sleep. I don’t see how life can have any value in the United States. Why is it worth preserving only to struggle through grinding poverty and no safety net? Why do we keep electing sociopaths to office who take delight in our suffering and try to play us off against each other? These questions are not easily answered.
I think I am just going to stop taking medications that do not directly help with sleep altogether. Right now I want my mood to crash completely. I just want to bottom out by going over that cliff. Sure recovery is only getting harder as I age but I can care less. Nobody really cares anyway and it’s just me versus the world. It is David vs. Goliath and David does not win in this tale. I really do not see the point of a fight anymore.