This morning I feel mentally awful and there is truly no other way to put it. I feel absolutely worthless like a blob in meatspace. When I feel this bad I usually listen to a song by 3 Doors Down called Away From The Sun because it uncannily puts into words exactly how I am feeling emotionally. Every part of the song captures my personal struggle with Bipolar Depression and the times when I have loved and lost. It might as well be the theme song for my life. I feel like I am in the darkest place and I am so far down.
I know people are probably sick of reading about the negativity and the struggle with depression and I know at some points I am sick of feeling this way; sick of this is the sum total of my experience. Today I think maybe I really should check out of this existence. I cannot even sum up anything to be angry at to mask the pain. Anger seems to work much better than any antidepressant or any being subjected to electroconvulsive therapy. I think I ought to check out early because I am just getting progressively sicker physically and cannot sum up the energy to do anything about it.
Do I drive myself to the local emergency department, only to start my recovery back at the beginning of the road to recovery? Is it time to admit that I am about to bottom out again? I just don’t know the answers to those questions. When I think about where I was in December, I was basically catatonic and could not muster the energy to even talk much less make any decisions. I remember walking into the emergency department basically barely able to say anything at all and the staff knew exactly what was going on. Am I at this point or do I have some fight left?
Now I listen to Depeche Mode’s Blasphemous Rumours and the singer is absolutely correct. There is no god but if there was he really does have a sick sense of humor. If he did exist he would be an absolutely evil, psychopathic, and misanthropic thing. There would be nothing loving or compassionate at all. So why do people turn to religion for solace or comfort? The cynical side of me says people turn to religion to be absolved of all of the misery that they have caused others; instant and easy absolution. So are the religious then also psychopathic? I guess you would need to draw your own conclusions as I know I have drawn mine: Look at the Ted Cruz and Mitch McConnells of the world.
I guess I will soldier on at least through Friday afternoon. The one friend that I have that I can go see and that I have something real in common with is depending on me to help him get to one of his ketamine sessions tomorrow. I know I will feel worthwhile for being able to help him. Then I need to make it to the Faithful Friends orientation on Friday morning because I know working with the cats in the shelter, giving them love, and socialization will be good for me. Then on Friday afternoon I have my therapy appointment. I wonder if that will be my breaking point; what finally breaks me. At least this appointment will be in person and at the hospital so if I break I will be somewhere safe.