It seems like all the medical establishment can do for somebody like me is one big experiment. Today I am really suffering from depression symptoms. Things have gotten so bad that I need to put the smallest, minute details of what I want to do on a checklist. All I feel like doing is crying as I tried to do a few things unsuccessfully. So today this is my check-in and I am a 4 out of a possible 10. The soonest I can get in to see the doctor for maintenance ECT is on March 2nd. I hope I can at least hold out until then.
I am tired beyond all reason and the medication I am forced to take is doing nothing. I feel like I am reaching out and screaming for help but nobody is listening. My insurance company makes it so that I cannot afford the one medication that I truly believe worked. I have to wait a long time in order to get the maintenance ECT that my psychiatrist wants me to get. And on top of all of that, I have to try to take care of myself. This seems pretty darned insurmountable right now.
Sometimes I just want to take more of the medication that I have to make the pain go away. I do not want to die and I do not have any suicidal ideation. I just want the misery of existence to go away. Why is it that life in America is so damned difficult. Why is it my fault that I have a mental illness? Why is it so exhausting to have to advocate for myself? I am still trying to answer these questions. I think I am teetering on the edge and I am grasping at weeds to try and stay on solid ground.