Today has been a very tough day all around and it has made some decisions for me. I saw my psychiatrist this morning and my affective emotion must have really matched how I felt because she and her attending physician were ready to admit me to the hospital. Since I have a history of suicide attempts, they were naturally very concerned but I assured them that will go to the local emergency department if things progress downward. Initially, they were unconvinced but I looked them both in the eye as I told said that I have a plan in place should things worsen. The doctors want to try a tricyclic antidepressant on me but it means titrating off of three other medications that I am on. So the next 6 weeks will be spent getting off of the other drugs.
When I got home, I received an email from the software development apprenticeship program canceling my interview for tomorrow with the stated reason that I would not be a good fit for said program. To be honest, I am not disappointed. I am glad that life made this decision for me because I am stubborn and would have gone to the interview despite it not being a good idea. I accidentally applied with my blog email instead of the one that I reserve for more professional communications. If I had to guess, somebody at the program was curious about my domain name and happened upon my blog. They probably saw just how anticorporate I am and were like, “Oh hell no!” To which I kind of laugh.
Tonight I will be starting a new medication to help with sleep. I don’t recall exactly what it is but it is FDA approved to treat allergies. This drug has an interesting side effect in that it tends to suppress dreams so I am hoping a good night’s rest will help make tomorrow easier. For now, I have to put the job search back on hold while I titrate off of two medications. During this period, my mood is going to fluctuate heavily and I know that the time will be incredibly tough. I just have to kind of soldier through it and I am prepared to do so. I know that my doctors are really concerned about this step because it is very tenuous from a safety standpoint but the next steps require it.
So I will put a pause on searching for work until the first week of June. I am helping my friend move from New Orleans to Tampa and I have that to look forward to. After I fly back home from Tampa, I will prioritize getting part time employment of some sort. For now, I will just do my volunteer cat cuddling shifts at Faithful Friends. This will be good for me and the kitties. The act of giving love to an animal should help my mood tremendously and take my mind off of what ills me. This is the perfect task for me right now.