Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

Lots Of Emotions This Morning

As the title reads, I have a lot of emotions this morning and they’re a mixture of anger, sadness, despair, and hopelessness. These emotions were brought on by yesterday’s inspection and lease signing of my Section 8 shared housing. While I am grateful for being able to have a roof over my head, the house was a disaster. The two other men living there are worse than pigs. I wanted to turn around and leave but I have absolutely no choice and it sucks being in this situation.

The room that will be mine is tiny. I won’t be able to bring much in the way of furniture. My bed is too big for the room and my desk will barely fit. I will be able to bring my small chest of drawers. I won’t be able to bring my TV or its stand. They’re just too big. I feel utterly defeated but I cannot afford to stay where I currently am and this will be a lot better than homelessness. I hate not having a choice. I would have been better off living out of a budget motel.

My situation makes me that much angrier with my father because he squanders tens of thousands of dollars a year on himself while leaving my mother and I to struggle. If the roles were reversed, I would be helping my son not being so damn self-centered. I just want to take photos of the room and the house I will be living in and caption them, “See dad, I am a whole lot tougher than you are!” If he had to live in this condition it would break him. It’s not going to break me. I have to keep reminding myself that this is only temporary until I get back on my feet.

Well, I guess my anger is going to help keep my head above water and out of the worst of the depression. Being angry at my father, in a maladaptive way, is very motivating. It also keeps me from crying and breaking down completely. When I want to quit, I just think of how my father has tried to wreck me and my mother completely and failed. He fucking failed and that gives me a source of some pride.

Now for the positives: living in this section 8 housing may allow me to save enough money per month to afford a car. My credit is totally wrecked so I have to see about paying cash for a car. Maybe it will be possible. This new place that I will be moving to has a mile walk to the nearest bus station. I still have a credit card and I might be able to buy a cheap car with it. I guess I shall see.

Despite the feelings that I am experiencing, I am not going to give the world the satisfaction of it breaking me. Damnit! I am not going to quit. The world is going to have to kill me, I am not going to commit suicide no matter how bad things get. Here’s my giant middle finger to the world right now. America makes things hard for the impoverished like myself but it won’t break me as much as it wants to. I will bend but I won’t break.

I may have nothing left in the way of possessions and my spirit may be bent but I am not broken. I am determined not to break. I won’t break. Things look bleak and hopeless but I will take one step at a time and recovery one moment at a time; driven by pure anger and hatred at my so-called country, America. Well, maybe America will descend into civil war and then it will all be over? Who knows. But times are going to get harder. If I need my anger to stay motivated and to stay out of depression, so be it.

I’ve given up on dating or relationships for the time being; just put it completely aside so it’s just me I have to be concerned with. Besides, right now I hate myself and if I cannot love myself, I cannot love somebody else.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *