Today my mood has been all over the place and I woke up feeling so far down. I started working on getting my website and email fixed and spent most of the morning and early afternoon doing so. As I solved the problems and got everything back and running, I started to feel really good and accomplished. Now I feel down again. I decided I wanted some chicken at a local restaurant and I walked in and saw a cartoon chicken which triggered an uncontrollable urge to sob. It was meant to look cute but the realization hit that I was about to eat chicken and I felt like such an awful human being, like this is confirmation of that I am worthless indeed.
I tried taking a walk and getting out in the fresh air but it did little to alleviate the feelings. All I did was walk and cry but it was what I could manage. Since walking was not helping my mood by any measurable amount, I decided I would try and watch some movies on Disney+. I have a free subscription courtesy of my cell phone provider so I thought I would watch some Marvel movies but I cannot concentrate on the movies and the funny parts aren’t making me laugh; not even a tickle of the funny bone. I would like to go back to work but with things so unstable for me right now, I fear I wouldn’t handle it and I would simply melt down.
I guess I need to remind myself that as bad as things feel right now, I am not at my bottom. I have made some strides since my hospitalizations at the end of last year. I’ve made some improvement from the partial hospitalization program earlier this year. I am not quite at the point where I will need a day program again. I have Faithful Friends to look forward to at the end of the week. I will try and find some Zoom peer support programs to help pass the time until I see my psychiatrist again next week to discuss beginning Tofranil. That’s something I guess.
I have a subscription to stream major league baseball but my game is blacked out and I live in an area where I cannot receive the game over the air. Maybe I’ll watch my second favorite team, the Pittsburgh Pirates. I’ll be able to watch them and kind of enjoy it. Watching baseball is always something I can do and enjoy it because it is multitasking. I can work on this blog or read a book which is not bad.