I did not even have Electroconvulsive Therapy recently and my brain is particularly scrambled this morning. As they say, “Oh well. Welcome to mental illness.” I do not quite understand what is going on today with my brain but I am planning to roll with it because I sure as hell cannot make any sense out of it. Some days are really just like that. Last night I had the strangest of dreams. The first dream I had I was making love to one of my Twitter followers; I kind of enjoyed that one. Then the next several made zero sense whatsoever, having been comprised of people whom never would have known each other in the entire sequence. It made so little sense that it’s not even worth anything more than a cursory mention.
I do not feel bad this morning but I do not feel particularly good either which is kind of a warning sign for me. When I cease to feel anything it is usually not a good thing for me at all. When I begin to cease to feel anything at all, it is usually the beginning of a relapse. The only important difference is this time I can function and think so maybe it is not the beginning of a mental health relapse. If I am to be totally honest, I feel weird and I do not feel like myself. I am not hearing voices or seeing things that aren’t there but neither do I feel totally like me. It could also be that I am not interpreting my feelings correctly at all and I am about to have a 180 degree turnaround from how I have been feeling.
The one thing I can trust is the taste of this absolutely delicious cup of Dunkin coffee with just the right amount of cream in it to dull some of the harsh flavor. I can trust the taste and mouth feel of my favorite powdered donuts. I guess that’s not so bad overall. I am reminded of how one of the educators at the program that I went to said that it often helps to think of things in terms of facts instead of feelings. Perhaps since I have been down so long, I have forgotten what it feels like to feel somewhat good again. I do not really know. All I know are the basic facts that I am alert, alive, and want to function.
If anything, I hope you have enjoyed this little write-up and I hope that it has conveyed just how scrambled things feel. I am trying to remember if I felt this way back in the middle of January when things took a temporary turn for the better. If I am to trust my own memories, then maybe I did feel this way and it might be cause for celebration. Maybe having the scrambled brain this morning is a good sign! I wish I knew and I wish I could interpret what is going on but it might be better to just roll with this and let it flow.