I Am Fugazied

This morning I am all fucked up sideways and I feel a deep, visceral sense of despair. I feel a sadness deep in my bones and al I feel like doing is crying. I absolutely hate this time of year where the heat and humidity feel oppressive and just had to my general discomfort. Things aren’t going well at my job and I expect when I have my 90 day review at the end of this month, early next month, it’s not going to go well.

I sit here to write this so as to get these thoughts out of my head, or at the very least, prevent the ruminations; ruminations are the worst. I guess I am feeling this way because of the constant borderline panic attacks that I’ve been having almost daily during the work week. My anxiety always seems to be at a high level now.

I am even worried about meeting Jenn but it is a mixture of worry and excitement. A part of me wants to cancel the whole affair and simply stay home but I know I will regret doing that so I won’t. A small part of me is really scared and nervous when I really don’t have to be. Jenn is unlike any other woman I’ve ever sort of met and I keep telling myself this. I don’t have to pretend to be somebody I am not. I can be who I am.

There is also a lot of worry about money and my future. Things look really shaky right now. I know I am not alone and that there are many others in similar (or even worse) situations. It helps knowing that I am not alone.

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