I have made it through my first 30 days of full time employment with the State of Delaware as a Telecommunications/Network Technician and it has not been easy by any stretch. There have been days where I drive home at the end of the day and just want to cry because they have been riddled with anxiety and stress. I’ve wondered if I can even do the job at all and I’ve been scared that the job might drive me back into the deep, dark hole of hopelessness, despair, and depression. I have to keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time.
Despite the tough days, I don’t wake up in the morning dreading going to work and I suppose that is a good thing. As much as I hate the saying, That which does not kill us makes us stronger, I think that might be the case for me. I never could’ve foreseen how difficult it is to get back into the professional working world. When I was a simple security guard, the professional life looked like it was much greener. If it looked that way, it is only because the grass needs more tending to
The job has a year long probation with performance appraisals at 30, 90, and 180 days with the final one at the one year mark. The final one is pretty much whether or not I will become a full merit employee. Once one becomes a full merit employee, it is a lot tougher to fire somebody. My first appraisal had nothing negative or positive on it. It just highlighted goals and a performance plan for reaching them.
I keep telling myself that I am doing the best that I can but somehow I always end up being so hard on myself. I feel like I should be doing better and that I am not doing the best that I can but this is just my mental illness talking, not who I am. I know this rationally but I am unable, thus far, to let the rational side win out. I hope that in the coming months, I will begin to find my stride and pace.