One of the partial hospitalization program educators, Ms. Tanyel (and consequently my favorite), constantly talks about pushing past the depression and the I Don’t Feel Like It syndrome. The depression is a negative energy that tells me to give in and surrender. I am sick of surrendering to my depression. When I came home from the program this afternoon, my brain was positively screaming for me to just sit on the couch, watch TV, and veg out. Instead, I grabbed my grocery bag and a prescription that I had to fill, bought my electronic bus pass and went about running the errands.
Yes, I was tired and did not want to run these errands but they are absolutely part of responsible adult daily living chores. I needed bath soap, razors, shaving cream, and deodorant. Furthermore, I needed to fill my prescription of Prazosin which was in my best interest to do so because I don’t sleep well due to terrible, PTSD-like nightmares. I have heard that this medicine works wonders as a nightmare suppressant. I got all this done and feel like I achieved something.
Now that I am back home, originally I was going to go straight to the couch and do nothing. I was going to leave the toiletries in the grocery bag and you get the picture. Instead, I put everything away and decided to fill my medication tray while I was standing. Depression is a constant fight. Once everything was put away, the negative energy voice said, “Go ahead. You can blow this Coursera WordPress course off until tomorrow.” Well, again, I am not giving into the negative energy. I am going to roll forward with this WordPress course because I only think I am tired.
While writing about this I had a bit of an epiphany as to how depression and addiction can be similar. Both are giving into a negative energy, an inner voice saying, “It’s okay. Go ahead. Take that drink or blow off that chore you have to do.” Taking that drink or giving into the depressive thoughts (or both) are, for all intens and purposes, one and the same. So I after blogging about this, it is time to do some enriching activity and not succumbing to an unhealthy desire. Being truly tired is when it becomes physiological, not psychological, i.e. my eye lids are not drooping and I can and am able to focus.
This is pushing past the depression and the doldrums. I hope as time passes this becomes easier and the negative energy becomes less and less dominant. Ms. Tanyel says that early recovery, be it from mental illness or addiction, is often the hardest and it certainly feels this way. I am blogging about this now so as to get it out of my head and tell my mental illness that for today, it does not have power over me. I have pushed past it.