This morning, I am having racing thoughts. I just made a very large commitment to Denisse, who I am hoping will be my girlfriend. She is everything I want in a woman and more. Denisse recently lost her housing due to a very unstable roommate so I put her up for a few extra days until the day I originally planned to arrive, Wednesday, Sept. 4th. Now, it looks like Denisse will be coming back to Delaware with me. I am excited and scared. I don’t want to fail her.
I am excited, scared, and nervous all wrapped into one. I’m excited for the new relationship, the love, and companionship. I am deathly afraid of failing her. I am scared of the commitment that I just made but there is no backing out of it. Denisse is in a particularly vulnerable position and it’s up to me to be her rock. This is what I chose to do, this is what she is expecting of me, and I am going to live up to it – no matter how frightened I am. I am sure she’s scared of this impending move as well.
I don’t know why I am feeling so inadequate. I really wish I had someone else to talk to about this, particularly another guy. In lieu of not having a real outlet, this blog posting will have to suffice. I think I love Denisse already and I am scared of hurting her and I am also scared of being hurt. I’m having to suppress these feelings of wanting to run and hide, like I’ve taken on too much.
I had a really messed up dream sequence last night and I think it has everything to do with the racing thoughts that I was experiencing. It was a post-apocalyptic, Alice In Wonderland, mad-hatter kind of dream sequence which left me completely disoriented when I woke up. I still felt the fear that I was going to fall from a great height which was part of the dream. I think I will need a nap later today.