Today I am sick of the struggle of poverty and mental illness. The unfairness of life in the United States of America has come crashing down on me. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself today. I am going to be moving into section 8 housing next weekend. For the life of me, I never thought I would be in this situation. When I was graduating high school, I thought I was destined for success. Instead, at 47 years old, I find myself starting over …. yet again.
At 47, starting life over is much harder than it was in my 20s when I could bounce back from life’s ups and downs easier and faster. It is harder for me to deal with my mental illness and having autism. One would think that with age comes the wisdom of knowing how to manage the symptoms of these conditions, but I was never good at managing them to begin with. I just had more money to help, that was the only difference.
Simply waking up in the morning and getting out of bed takes a herculean effort of sorts. I just want to give up and I have no idea what keeps me soldiering on. I must have some innate strength whatever little that may be. I still have been unable to take the online computer science and web development classes that I want because I just cannot muster the concentration necessary for them. Not even a gentle push in the right direction has succeeded.
All I really want to do is sit on my couch and watch movies and I cannot even seem to do that without getting terribly distracted. I am so sick and tired of the fight. I don’t know how to begin rebuilding my life this time around. I don’t know what makes to try and I don’t know what to do. I know I need a therapist but I am still fighting with Social Security to have Medicare completely turned back on. Until that time, no therapist.
I just hope I don’t get hospitalized again this year. Two hospitalizations were more than enough. I don’t need to go to another behavioral health hospital. I don’t know what I am going to do at this point. A therapist would really help me with getting back the concentration and the will to learn again.