Today I am having very significant mood swings. I am oscillating between being very angry and being in absolute despair. As I sit down to write this on Monday, April 5th at 11:30, I am in complete despair. When I woke up this morning I was as angry as I could be. I went to the local diner so that I could eat a comforting meal of a pancake and some bacon while beginning to look for a job. The diner had one TV playing Fox News and it was just making me angrier and angrier because Fox News is just so dedicated to the conservative Libertarian ideals of blaming the poor and mentally ill for their positions in life. They’re just so anti-working class and anti-poor that it just fueled my anger.
I found some likely candidates for jobs but the more I look at myself, the less I feel ready to return to the workplace because my Bipolar Depression is out of control. I hear certain songs come on the radio with certain musical instruments and I just want to break down and sob uncontrollably. Is it sick that I prefer anger to depression? At least I can function when I am angry and I get a feeling of singular purpose and concentration. It is after the anger wears off that I go to complex despair. They tell me to journal when the feelings hit so journaling I am.
Today, a support coach from Recovery Innovations, the non-profit that is trying to help me through this difficult time, showed up for me to sign some paperwork so that my case manager can advocate on my behalf with my psychiatrist and therapist. Right now I am so far down that I simply am unable to advocate for myself any longer. I have even lost the desire to try and I do not care to try. I am completely overwhelmed simply feeding myself and taking my medicine. I was fighting back the tears just to sign the records release paperwork. As soon as the support coach left, I just broke down. I don’t know the support coach so I don’t want to express my feelings to people that I don’t know and trust.
So I sit here writing this as tears are pouring down my face. But I guess there is relief in the tears. It is so utterly exhausting having these very pronounced mood swings. Going from anger to despair in the span of an hour takes its toll on me. I know I will need to take a nap later. Last night I was thinking about what will happen when the day comes when my mother dies because she is my only reason for living. Will I overdose on the bottle of medication at my disposal? Will I have heart attack or stroke? I was wondering these things. I was wondering what will happen to me if I become no longer able to take care of myself because my mental illness has progressed. What is to become of me in a society that just does not care to help its most vulnerable. Those are the very unknowns I am dealing with.
I have two more things that I would like to accomplish today, one of which is calling Social Security to find out why they are not paying my prescription plan like they should and the other is to get my clothing sizes for the clothing bank. I feel really bad about needing a food and a clothing bank right now but what choice have I really got. Well, I guess I had better get cracking. I will email my case manager with my clothing sizes. I will call Social Security.