On Tuesday of this week I have a visit as a new patient with Wilmington Adult Medicine. Of all of the doctors that I have to see, the only one that causes anxiety is seeing the primary care physician; made even more so by the fact that this is going to be a new doctor and one that I am entirely unfamiliar with. I do not like to be touched by anyone outside of those I know, family members, and girlfriends/significant others. Some of this is the sensation and has a lot to do with where I fall along the Autism Spectrum. The anxiety is very real because it is an unpleasant experience that is visceral and I can only reduce the discomfort to a certain point.
I do not mind seeing my psychiatrist and other specialty doctors. In fact, I often look forward to seeing them because the visits are generally not as invasive and whatever hands on activities the doctor must do are more limited in scope and quick. The visits are generally very informative and I am able to hear the advice being given because I am not so wrapped up in the anxiety of the aforementioned visit. This is even going to be more sensitive a visit than an ordinary one because I have to have the discussion of erectile dysfunction being caused by my antidepressant regimen.
Erectile dysfunction is something that I want to broach but find it difficult because it’s my masculinity not working. I am embarrassed because I am not in the best of health and some of this is certainly my responsibility and failure of that. But I do need to have this discussion because I really want to start dating again, and dating, often times means making love to the one you care about. I have the desire for sex and the desire for the companionship of a woman but the desire alone has not been enough to overcome the ED.
In a way, I am also scared that my diabetes might be out of control again and it is time to have another A1C ordered. I truly hope it has remained stable at 6.5%. I think it has because I am not feeling the urge to use the bathroom constantly and I am not constantly thirsty. But the only reliable tell tale sign is the A1C. So with all of this, I am a bundle of nerves and I have the distinct feeling that once this visit is over, I am going to crash hard.