I don’t know why but I am really struggling today. I just cannot seem to be able to start anything or get anything done. I really want to be able to make progress on my Red Hat Certification studies but it’s just not happening. I am reading the same paragraph over and over and that’s how I know I am not going to be able to do it at the moment. I will try again later today.
I wish I didn’t suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I wish I didn’t have Autism. I would like to be successful and functioning right now but I am not. Instead I am mired in poverty and cannot afford a car. It hurt having to voluntarily turn in my car. Since then transportation costs and food costs have increased. I wish I had just stopped paying and waited for them to come and repossess my car. My credit suffered anyways.
I am worried about my future because things seem directionless right now. I feel like my brain is moving in 360 different directions and grasping at straws with the hope of making things better. I guess it is good that I have hope right now. Hope is a whole lot better than being so depressed that I am hopeless; I was there not too long ago. I’m sitting down to write this in the hopes of quieting my brain.
My brain feels really loud right now and the thoughts are moving quickly but not quite racing. I worry privately that Denisse will be disappointed when I go up to visit her. She worries that I will be disappointed by her. I won’t be disappointed because I am strongly attracted to her physically and mentally. I just hope that attraction will be returned in kind but I cannot help but think it might not be. And that would hurt me.
I am sick of being needlessly kicked around by life. I hate my present living situation and you would think that that would kick me into high gear to do my information technology studying but it hasn’t. I think partly that’s due to the very bad job market for information technology right now. My brain might be thinking what’s the use of putting in the effort if it likely won’t help much in getting employment. The world feels really loud and my brain feels really loud.
When I had my appointment with Matthew Lind, my Psychiatric Physican’s Assistant, we decided to go up on Remeron to 45mg in the hopes of easing the depression more and getting me to be able to focus. I thought it might be working but maybe it just takes time. At least it didn’t adversely effect my sleep. I am guessing the new dose of Remeron is going to take several weeks to really go into effect. In the mean time, I know I need therapy and I have a therapy appointment on Wednesday, August 21st. Hopefully this will be the beginning of the road towards better mental health. I know it takes medication and talk therapy to get better.