Well it is Sunday morning and I am sitting down to write this because I am on the precipice of mental health crisis yet again. This seems to be a recurring theme in my life. I feel absolutely hopeless to the point where I am really wondering what the point is. The simple fact is that mental and behavioral health medicine is at a point where it is ready to give up on me. About the only positive of getting hospitalized again is that it confirms to the government that I really and truly am disabled, beyond the shadow of a doubt. I don’t want to go back to the hospital but I may have no other choice.
All I feel like doing is sitting here and letting the tears flow. When the future ahead looks impossibly bleak, what more can I really do. Now I really and truly have some understanding of what my second cousin Mark Silverman went through. He had much of the same issues that I did but he ended up committing suicide by hanging. Mark was autistic and severely depressed but nothing the mental health profession could do was of any use or help. Mark turned to religion for help and religion treated him very poorly because of his autism and social difficulties. At least his pain is gone. I am not a religious person in the least and I cannot even pretend to be for the sake of mental illness symptom relief.
I am doomed to living life on the fringes society and I have virtually nothing of any value to offer whatsoever. Even my family is going to grow tired of me. Why am I unable to function like a normal person? Why am I this way? What did I do to deserve this? I think I’d better drive myself to the hospital. I don’t know what other choices I have. I feel so bad.