I’ve been doing a fair amount of thinking today; mostly about the future and my future. I’m still feeling really excited about potentially meeting this girl that my friend connected me with. She continues to impress me and she has both compassion and empathy which is rare these days. She understands that mental illness and depression are not something you can simple “snap out” of. I appreciate being able to have open and honest conversations with her. It’s a bit weird but I feel like I miss her even though I haven’t met her in real life.
A future with Denisse would be very nice and thinking about her is pleasant. She may be one person really missing in my life. I simply have to get up to Pennsylvania to see her soon. The problem is the expense of doing so. Being on disability, I don’t have a job so money is always tight but this would be money well spent. Another problem is that she and I both really don’t have private places. I would need to get a motel room for any privacy but that’s okay, again money being well spent. She’s beautiful to me.
Denisse also inadvertently rekindled something long dormant in me: the desire to write. I have wanted to write a technical book for a long time on open source computing and network engineering by example. I even have the domain bought that I want to use as part of the example’s storyline. It’s just each time I sat down to write, I ended up with writer’s block. Maybe I need to start with an outline of some sort. The subject matter is fairly broad.
I have some competing priorities as well: I don’t know whether it makes sense or not to pursue certification in Linux. This is competing with my desire to write. At some point, I know I need employment but I can neither qualify nor quantify whether spending the time and money to get certified will really help. Sometimes I wonder if working on Linux for a living is nothing more than a pipe dream. The certification test isn’t cheap at 250.00 to sit for the 4 hour exam. Failing and shrugging my shoulders is not something I would feel comfortable at all.
Maybe scheduling some time to write during the day is a good thing. It costs me nothing in terms of money and gives me something worth doing. What if I were to spend an hour every day working on this open source book? At the very least, the creative juices get flowing. It’s something to seriously consider.
It’s just so difficult being in poverty. Being in poverty is frustrating because getting out of it is like trying to climb out of a smooth-sided, deep, dark hole; feels near impossible at times. The economy is also really shaky, especially for technology professionals like myself. The layoffs are happening and what companies are hiring probably get around 500+ applications per open technology position. Some of the openings posted may not be actual openings but postings to obtain resumes against future needs. It’s all so frustrating.