Last night was a particularly bad night because I was unable to sleep despite taking an Ambien. Typically I joke that Ambien is the chemical mallet but certainly it was not for me this time. I guess I did not predict how difficult it would be for me to go back to work. I’ve been on disability now since 2016. Each time I try to go back to work, I either get fired or quit after about a week because it is more than I can handle. I hope that this does not become a repeat of my previous jobs in the past 4 years.
I have been working with a Social Security Ticket to Work provider and my councilor is much more positive about this hospital job that he and I have been working on. My councilor, Alan, says that the place that I am going to work at is disability friendly and he has had a lot of success with people with similar disabilities at this hospital. And I am afraid of letting him down but he assures me that I can do this. I am only going to be doing a relatively simple job like cleaning patient rooms after they have been discharged. But do I have the capability of focusing enough to do the job accurately? I just don’t know.
I worry about my stress tolerance but it might be more than I think I that I have. For today, I am going to do a little bit of work on C programming so that I am not focusing so much on work tomorrow afternoon and evening. Today I have to put my body on the new schedule so the plan is to stay awake until the wee hours of the night/morning. This way I am somewhat adjusted even though I know that I generally do better at night than in the morning. However, I do not do well overnight at all.
I just need to calm down somehow because this is not going to be a difficult job. It’s going to be something relatively simple and doable. It’s not like I am going to be driving a bus or doing something that I could potentially kill somebody. All it is is cleaning and re-stocking patient rooms and getting them ready for the recently admitted. The recruiter for the position scared me somewhat about having attention to detail. It helped to think about this as an irrational fear. Yes, it is important that the job gets performed correctly but he’s making more of it to motivate a potential slacker. And I am diligent enough. I know I’ll do a good job. My nerves are my co-workers and the social situations.
Well, it’s time for me to hit the books so to speak.