This morning I feel like a kitty that has used up 5 of his 9 lives. I cannot concentrate on anything to save me life I just want to sit here and cry. This week was tough because it oscillated between excitement and now despair. I would be lying if I said that thoughts of suicide have not crossed my mind. Last night I was just thinking about overdosing on Zolpidem and then just going to sleep permanently. This morning when I woke up I realized that the better days are now behind me and my own employment history has caught up with me.
I am struggling to concentrate on any one thing despite really wanting to. I want to learn more about WordPress so I can actually build a proper personal website instead of something that is really just a glorified blog. There’s no challenge in simply running a blog and there are only a finite amount of topics to write on. I bought this book called WordPress All-In-One For Dummies (Sabin-Wilson 2019) and I read a few pages and I forget what I’ve read. I know this is due to depression.
I thought I was doing better as a result of a new medicine added, but whatever positive effect it had was short-lived. I am facing working as a security guard again, but this time, this will likely not be a temporary position as I am all washed up in Information Technology. I had best steel myself in preparation for doing this for the rest of my life, whatever I have left remaining. The situation I am in is one of my own making. There is very little in the way of a path to a better life.
There is so much that I wish I could do over, like I could just turn back the hands of time. Being in poverty makes mental illness so much worse. In addition to have internal anxiety, poverty builds external anxiety. So the mind feeds off of both of these conditions making everything worse. Some days I feel as if I am waiting to die of a heart attack or stroke. With only 4 lives left, I don’t know how to live them.