I have realized something very important about myself and that is my default emotion is anger. When experts talk of emotion and emotional intelligence, they talk of anger management and anger control. Today I had a sudden epiphany as to why I am so angry, combative, and impatient all of the time. My anger actually acts as antidepressant and it has become my default emotion. Somewhere along life’s timeline, I must have learned that anger has been my survival skill because I have been marginalized, bullied, and underestimated all of my life. It was (and still is) easier to be angry than to feel the crippling effects of depression.
I have a lot of fight in me because everything I have ever gained in life has come at an extraordinary personal cost. Nothing, except maybe for using computers, has come easily. In fact, as a young child, I was late learning to walk and learning to read. I eventually did strive but everything was a hard won, 10 yard fight. And so I expect everything in life to be a 10 yard fight and learning anger as a survival mechanism. It’s so ingrained that I even get angry for injustices on other people.
When I feel this down and out, it feels like the best thing that I can possibly do is get angry. It instantly takes me out of depression and into feeling capable again. Healthy? No, it isn’t but I don’t know what else to do. Psychoactive medication only does so much. I feel so hypocritical because I used to criticize people with anger management issues and now I am acutely aware of my own. But awareness only goes so far. How do I unlearn what has become a point of comfortable familiarity? It’s a good thing I am not, by nature, a violent person. I would only hurt somebody in defense of myself or others. I would not actively seek to hurt anyone. But anger is every bit as scary an emotion as violence.
I really want not to get angry and upset so easily. I want some inner peace but one thing at time. I used to be able to use food to help relax me but I cannot even do that anymore since getting gastric bypass. Sure, I lost a butt load of weight and got healthier. But in other (and unpredictable ways) I got worse. Sleep is hard and now I am effectively Bipolar 2. I can be awake 18-20 hours and feel like super man. Well that’s all I guess.