I feel inexplicably sad today and like a clock inside of me is winding down. I have the sound in my head of the Felix-shaped clock\u2019s meow. The sound triggers tears in my eyes and reminds me that I have maybe two and a half decades left where I will be, at best, lucid. There\u2019s no way of knowing what it will be but I don\u2019t understand why I feel so sad right now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t know what I am going to do because right now I feel like I am living in survival mode. I feel like I\u2019m just fighting to live; that everyday is a struggle. I just arrived to work and I feel like I could break down in tears at any minute. Last night, for the first time in my life, I had a sleep walking incident. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I saw that I was sleeping in my underwear, tee shirt, and a hoodie. I knew I went to bed wearing sweats and socks. This has really set the tone for today. I am wondering what is happening next. Am I losing my marbles?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Where I work is thoroughly demoralizing and the pay, at 2.00 an hour above minimum wage, does nothing to relieve it. It seems all I ever do is worry about money. This week was an epic suck fest. Denisse and I even had a few squabbles. I hate squabbles but I know that is part of love and marriage. I tell myself that I will never go to bed angry with Denisse. Today is a given, tomorrow an unknown.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am sad because I see my dream of teaching information technology to adults and teenagers slipping away from me. It’s making me cry. I’ve got to get this under control because I work as a security guard inside a police station. It just would not be a good look for a 6’4″ male security guard to break down in tears. If I can just last these 8 hours. I could sit on the porch at home and cry until I feel better. Despite the cold, I may just do that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Well, maybe I am going to reach out next week to my DVR counselor and tell her that things have changed dramatically in my life and that I will no longer be able to attend the University of Delaware due to affordability and medical reasons. I suppose I should be sad but I am relieved on one level because school is stress and there are other avenues for learning. I am going to have to resume my class on Financial Literacy on Khan Academy but take it in small bites I suppose. The complex terms are tough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I feel inexplicably sad today and like a clock inside of me is winding down. I have the sound in my head of the Felix-shaped clock\u2019s meow. The sound triggers tears in my eyes and reminds me that I have maybe two and a half decades left where I will be, at best, lucid. There\u2019s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-114","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-mental-health"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/goblackcat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/114","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/goblackcat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/goblackcat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/goblackcat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/goblackcat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=114"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/goblackcat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/114\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/goblackcat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=114"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/goblackcat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=114"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/goblackcat.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=114"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}