Black Cat Blog

Mornings are now getting much easier since my doctor added Topamax to my medication regimen. I am doing a lot better now and it is really cheering me up as I am normally cheery in the morning when I am doing well. When I am not doing well, I am grouchy in the morning. So things are really looking up and I am happy about that.

Topamax is not strictly an an antidepressant but instead it is commonly used to treat migraine headaches. However, it has an off-label use for people like myself with PTSD related nightmares. Topamax works beautifully to stop these nightmares and instead give me only very mild dreams so I wake up feeling rested and thus cheerful and positive. I feel ready to tackle the day.

I’m looking forward to chatting with Denisse again today and to studying my Red Hat material. I really want to make it my goal to be ready to sit for the Red Hat certification exam in November if possible. If I don’t have some sort of goal, I fear that I won’t commit to studying regularly. But I can make things open-ended so if I am not ready come November it won’t be the end of the world.

I had a fantastic time with Denisse. She’s a really good person and kind and compassionate. We got a lot done in a short period of time including moving her from Hanover, PA to New Castle, DE. All of this moving has not been easy on her and I have nothing but admiration for her courage and strength. What she has gone through would easily have broken me in half. Since strangers helped me out with a thousand dollar medication that I needed several years ago, I decided that it was time to pay back that kindness so I paid for a motel room for Denisse for two weeks in Delaware which was what I could afford.

I sincerely hope we can get her situated in a shelter and get her on the road towards stability soon. She’s not in an easy situation at all and I am finding myself missing her already even though it was just yesterday that our trip ended. I am going to see her again on Tuesday and spend the night with her. When I see her, we may run some more errands and go bowling and see Beetlejuice. I am already excited about it. I know she’s lonely as she doesn’t know anybody in Delaware so it is up to me to be reliable and be her rock. I like being her rock.

Being Denisse’s rock gives me a sense of purpose when I would otherwise feel none. Suffering from major depressive disorder is certainly not easy and having someone to care about, I’ve found, lifts the depression significantly. I’ve always wanted to be the guy that rescues a girl and this I figured was my chance. She rescued my heart in many ways too. I am feeling so many different feelings right now and it is kind of exciting.

I just want to be a good boyfriend to her. I want to be the man that is caring, compassionate, and kind. I want to be the boyfriend that she’s never had; one who’s not abusive in any way shape or form. I may make my share of mistakes and I may make her angry at some point but I will never do anything to harm her. I never want to do anything to harm her. I think I am in love.