Black Cat Blog

I am a little late to writing today because I am nursing a cold. I got this wicked sore throat last Saturday night and it stuck with me through this morning. Fortunately, my girlfriend made this most excellent recommendation of Alka Seltzer Cold & Flu so I am feeling quite a bit better as the sore throat is more sandpapery now instead of painfully sore. But I still feel loopy and out of it. More rest is in order I guess.

In between naps, I decided to do some work on improving my business server. Alma Linux (my favorite Linux distribution for servers), being essentially a compatible clone of Red Hat Enterprise Linux, is really encouraging its user base to migrate the firewalling from iptables to nftables. So, I spent the day learning about nftables and converted my firewall to nftables. There’s a slight learning curve to it but I found that my other favorite distro, Arch Linux, has a great tutorial on learning nftables so I plowed my way through that.

I am giving strong consideration to replacing Apache with OpenLiteSpeed just for its security, low resource utilization, and performance. I’m still in the evaluation phase and I may still end up using Apache simply because it integrates well with Virtualmin, my choice for web control panels. Normally I am all about working from the command line to add and remove users as I’m a sysadmin by trade but I want quick and ease of use now. Eventually, I am going to hand this system over to a Linux sysadmin when my business gets big enough.

My mental health today seems to be okay. I’m not feeling down despite feeling pretty sick. I think I am going to try and watch a movie tonight with my Denisse and get off the computer for a bit.

It is really hard having to go to work when you’re sick but that’s the situation I am in right now. I have a very sore throat that feels like it is on fire. I can work through a head cold without issue, but sore throats are very hard to deal with. The trouble is that I need the money and my job does not offer paid sick time. So work I must.

Fortunately, I do not feel grouchy. I just kind of hope this turns into a head cold by this afternoon because that is much easier to deal with. Today, I need to look for an nftables tutorial because I am struggling to get NAT working on my Alma Linux VPS. The easy firewalld system is not doing what I want. I think I just might need to reinstall the OS and start from scratch which is okay.

I hope today goes as fast as yesterday! I really just want to head home and go back to sleep. America needs to have a societal safety net with paid sick time and vacation time for everybody. It needs to be in the law. We’re human beings not robots!

I am truly worried about the upcoming semester and the start of my MSW program at University of Delaware. What happens if I do not have the mental or physical stamina to handle the rigors of the program? I have to entertain that it could be a very real possibility as it is going to be intense. It would be much easier if I had a car and could drive to campus but I don’t Instead, I have to rely on public transportation which easily turns what would be a half hour commute into an hour plus.

Here is what my schedule is going to look like. On Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays, I will have practicum which runs from 9:00am – 3:00pm. In order to arrive in time for practicum, my day will probably have to start at 7:00am. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I will have class from 5:00pm – 9:15pm. By the time I get home it’s going to be pretty late. Sleep is going to be a luxury and I am no spring chicken anymore at 48 years old. You can see that I am concerned. The path to the MSW is impossibly long if not done full time.

I guess I can make up for lost sleep on Monday and Wednesday nights. But I still have to work part time on the weekends. This is not going to be easy, and even that, is the understatement of the year. I am so worried that I’ve bitten off more than I can chew but the only way I’ll know this is for sure is if I try and do not succeed. I am in brainstorming mode to try to set myself up for the maximum chance at success.

I think if I can get the textbooks and begin my studies ahead of time, I can make hay while the sun shines and provide some stress relief once the semester begins in earnest. Getting ahead of the curve would probably be a good idea. I am headed to campus on Monday to pick up my student ID and to get a lay of the land to relieve some stress. I want to stop at the College of Education and Human Development to see what’s going on there and ask about course scheduling. This may relieve some anxiety so that my first day isn’t spent scrambling around.

Hey wait a second …. It just dawned on me that I have access to paratransit. Maybe if I planned accordingly, I could use paratransit to get me where I have to go and thus the commute time could be cut down some. I could possibly use it strategically. Yeah! If I scheduled a paratransit pickup when class is over, I could, in theory, get home by 10, be in bed by 11 and get enough sleep in time to use paratransit to get me to practicum. Okay!!!! Problem solved. Now I can smile a little. I know that was random (and a little scattered) but I have a solution. I can use paratransit to fill in the gaps where the regular bus wouldn’t serve my needs.

Okay, my anxiety is significantly reduced now.

I made a new friend on Facebook named Mike Green. I am very happy that he reached out to me that one day in the beginning of May. We are both going to be Masters in Social Work students starting in August. He is a really nice guy and I am going to meet him for dinner in real life. I hope it’s going to be just a friendly meet-up and that he will respect the implied boundaries because I am not gay and I have a girlfriend. I know he understands that I am just looking for another friend and a guy that I can talk to about guy things and emotional things with another guy.

He is already working in the social work field in mobile crisis which is really awesome so he’s getting a lot of experience. I am going to be really new once I get started in my practicum. At least I will be able to talk to him about my concerns and fears which feel very real. I know I don’t have much of a framework or model with which to extrapolate from. I’ll just have to observe and ask questions.

At any rate, we are going to meet in downtown Philly at a place called Taste Cheesesteak Bar. They have really good Cheesesteaks! I mean they’re to die for. Should be a good time.

I am simply tired and frustrated today. The meeting with my employment specialist really did not produce the expected results but Wendy was not to blame at all, rather it is simply a sign of the difficult times that are upon us. In the span of just over 100 days, the GOP and its MAGA contingent flushed America’s economy down the proverbial toilet. Now everyone not sitting on piles of money must suffer.

I now have to figure out how to do things that I have neither a training nor an education in. I have to learn how to market and brand myself on top of everything. Fortunately, I think there may be a Marketing For Dummies book available. I have to somehow teach myself to build a brand. Why do I feel like it is hopeless? How do I convince others?

This is not going to be easy. I have to come up with a daily plan and a schedule of what I am going to do and adhere to it. Oh shit! I totally forgot to show Wendy the accounting software. Oh well. Rome wasn’t built in a day and I have to work on me instead of wasting time on social media and farting around. Also I need to stop wasting so much time watching TV. It’s entertaining but it’s not furthering my agenda and goals.

Watching TV is diverting valuable time and resources from productivity. So is Facebook and Reddit.

I have some hope today because I am going to meet with my Vocational Rehab employment specialist. I know that she is working hard to try and help me build my consulting business; it is just going to take time. In the State of Delaware, the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation contracts a lot of services to vendors. The vendor that I chose to work with is The Heartlight Foundation. Wendy Claiser of The Heartlight Foundation is fantastic and I believe in the mission she does. Since her organization is a non-profit, I can volunteer and help her out in return. Thus it works out well because I can actually showcase my skills and actually prove what I can do and be more than just words on a resume.

After the meeting with Wendy, I am doing a top down evaluation of Heartlight’s information technology processes to see what it is they’re doing and if it makes sense and works well. Then I am going to type an executive summary and make my recommendations for improvement. I also have a demonstration of an ERP system for them that would be more cost-effective than simply going with QuickBooks. Wendy and her partner could work with their accountant and see if ERPNext would be viable solution.

Yesterday I also begrudgingly realized that I am long on ideas but short on follow through and I know this is really because my self-esteem is low. My brain figures what’s the point of even trying because it is not like I will be able to turn the idea into anything worthwhile anyway. I would really like to move past this mentality. I saw some real learning opportunities on Coursera that could make my resume shine a little more and open up some potential consulting doors for me. I just want to move past this self-esteem mental block that’s preventing me from getting started.

Maybe if I discuss these ideas with Wendy and ask her if they will make me marketable? After all, she is really an expert here. She could tell me if this would be time well spent and she advise me how I could market myself in this space. It’s worth bringing this up. I just want to believe in myself. I just want to not be so sad and not to give up so easily at the first sign of difficulty. This seems to be what happens when I see that I must market myself. It has the appearance of being insurmountable because I do not really know how to do this. It is not a skill I have but is it a skill that can be learned?

How do I market myself so that I do not sound like a douche? How do I market myself so that I sound likable? Maybe I ask ChatGPT for pointers? Maybe I Google for articles? There should be knowledge out there for the taking. Maybe there are library books out there to read.

I know I am writing this a bit late in the day as I usually prefer to write in the morning and use writing to engage my brain and “wake it up” so to speak. But today, the writing urge hit in evening. I had a moment of insight this evening. I realized that I am actually a really intense person and that I have this tendency toward really black and white thinking and that I am a very black and white person. This might just one of the symptoms on the autism spectrum for me but it really hits home especially hard right now.

While rationally I know that few things in life fit perfectly into black or white, right or wrong, or yes or know, I know I automatically gravitate into that kind of rigid thinking. Yes, that’s exactly what it is – rigid thinking. Rigid thinking can be just one sign of autism and it can be a comforting in an uncertain world for someone with autism. Sometimes I do not understand how to see the various shades of grey in life but with each passing year I do get better at it. I accept some things do not fit neatly into a cookie cutter outline and that they are more complex than meets the eye.

Is it the complexity of life that sometimes makes me angry? Is it this complexity that I cannot reduce to a rigid simplicity that frustrates me? This is quite possibly so. I love it when I have these moments of clarity and insight. I cannot always correct the pattern of thinking but understanding it lessons the intensity. For example, I have been looking at work from home 1099 opportunities and I was getting very angry at all of these stupid skills tests which were grading my skills at the English language when all they have to do is look at the writing samples on my blog. The AI grading could simply use my blog and see that I am, at the very least, proficient at writing.

I find myself simply wishing I could catch an easy break but I know that there are no such thing as easy breaks here. It’s time for some learning opportunities to see what I can teach myself beyond what skills I currently have.

Sometimes it takes just the simple kindness of one or two people to really make a difference in the day. My Uber driver taking me to work was really friendly and it set the tone for the day. Then a Facebook friend of mine, Mike Green, offered to DoorDash me some lunch since I forgot mine. I truly appreciate that gesture.

A positive tone has been set for the day. Things are also made better by the fact that my mobile phone provider fixed the issue that I was having with cellular reception at work so I have some entertainment to pass the time. I have a few things I want to explore so I will be able to do that; some money earning opportunities.

Today I just feel like being positive. It’s a good feeling compared to where I have been the last couple of weeks. I hope that the feeling will last for a bit. I just want today to be productive.

I’m feeling angry and impatient this morning. Every little thing is bothering me right now and I want to lash out. I’m struggling to keep this in check but winning the battle so far. I think I am probably frustrated too. I want to be by myself and away from people but I cannot get away completely. I feel trapped.

I am also dreading going to my security guard gig at the housing authority. I don’t want to deal with the residents with an undeserved sense of entitlement. But it takes money to live in a hyper-capitalist society so I’ll do what I must but I don’t have to be happy about it. At least my time is probably winding down there. I hope my manager has replaced me.

I’m wondering what I’m going to do today just to relax and get by. I’m doing one of my least favorite activities which is laundry but it needs to get done. Maybe I’ll treat myself to some fast food for lunch. I am just so tired; the tired that cuts right to the bone.

I’m feeling like I am starting to lose hope and I hate the feeling. The combination of exhaustion, anger, and frustration is eating me alive. I know this intrinsically and I want to deal with it so that I am better prepared to start my masters in social work program come August. I just don’t know why every single little thing is bothering me right now. It’s like sensory overload. Maybe I’m simply having an “autistic day.” These things happen I guess. Every little sensory input feels magnified by a hundred times and that’s the best I can do to explain it; could be the reason for my wanting to lash out.

What would bring me relief right now? Writing isn’t doing it but meditation certainly would. I need a quiet space with some incense. But it has to be very quiet as I am woefully out of practice. Well I guess that’s all for now.

As the title reads, sometimes disappointments just keep happening. I was really looking forward to my appointment today with The Heartlight Foundation because I was hoping for some good news on the employment/income front but that to be put on hold. I understand because one of the people that I had to meet with got sick and that just happens. So I decided to spend the afternoon at the library and see if I could be productive but one of the books that I was hoping would come in for me to check out, wasn’t there; very frustrating.

I am finding myself having to think again about employment as the opportunity I had to work as a waiter for a catering company did not work out. But I did hear about an opportunity to work for a liquor store in Claymont, Delaware which sounds pretty good. I don’t really want to work in retail, however, I am absolutely sick of working security so this may present a good opportunity. I will probably make a trip this week to the store and put in an application.

I believe the security company that I am working for is probably going to completely let me go anyways because I have to tell my manager that I won’t be able to work the last weekend in May. I will go over my hours if I do and it will cause me to lose my Social Security Disability benefits. I cannot run that risk. So my manager will tell me not to let the door hit me on the way out. It’s not like the job was any great shakes anyway. This liquor store will probably pay around the state minimum wage of 15.00 an hour which is not too bad and the hours will coincide nicely with public transportation. Hopefully they can make use of me on weekends.

I don’t quite understand why more employers are not leaping over themselves to hire folks specifically wanting to work weekends. They seem to want more availability, and when I don’t have this availability, I get passed over. My brain cannot make sense of this. Oh wait, a security company did contact me about part time work but I am not even certain that I want to reach out to them because the wage is so low at 16.00 to 17.00 per hour unless it is a very easy site and first shift. I don’t really know at this point. Maybe I should. I feel so discouraged.

There’s one thing I have to do tonight and that is to complete my home network migration to Verizon Fios. About the only good thing to happen in the last 3 days, was a Facebook ad for Fios for 34.95 a month price lock for 3 years. That’s a 360.00 savings per year over what I am paying now so I leapt all over it. The router is supposed to arrive today and I’ll have to hook it up and configure it. Once that’s done, I will be able to completely cancel T-Mobile Internet At Home. I was paying a lot for it but it was competitive at the time.

I hope that I can find a way to afford a pre-owned MacBook Pro in time for the coming school year. I need a good laptop and I sure as hell don’t want a regular old laptop. However, I don’t know that I will necessarily have a choice in the matter. I guess I would probably have to get a Windows 11 laptop and suffer through it because I may end up doing contract work for Heartlight and Heartlight is mandated to use Windows stuff through their contracts with the State of Delaware.