Black Cat Blog

This morning I have been doing a lot of thinking about the future and what I would like to do. I am absolutely sick of being a security guard and I think I changed my mind about upgrading my license to an armed security guard. It is too much hassle with not enough monetary reward. To be truthful, I don’t know what the next move should be but I am considering driving for Uber and Lyft. If today won’t be too busy, I may start the process. If I do drive for one of these companies, I will do it under my own LLC. There are some tax advantages and protection I guess.

I am physically and mentally exhausted this morning and I wanted to call out of work. I really did not want to go in and provide security. When you work for a security company (or any contracting company for that matter) it is the company that gets the better end of the deal. You could say that I am actually a whore for my company and the company is my pimp. Yes, that sounds gloomy but it is exactly what I am.

I really wish there was a viable escape strategy from poverty. Poverty is so difficult, and once you get there, the hole just gets deeper and deeper. The hole is also lined with grease making climbing out that much harder. Well, I am in poverty and poverty is difficult in a hyper capitalist society like the United States is. I hate that I am literally one paycheck away from destitution. I am one sickness event from the worst possible situation. This is the reality. I have zero net worth.

I have some thinking to do and I am depressed about the seemingly hopeless situation that the US is in right now. The depression seems to make me feel a lot of inertia to try new things because I am always thinking that there is no possible way they will work out. It is self destructive thinking and I understand this but I cannot help how I feel. I also think that I need to find a new therapist. While I like the one I have very much, he is going through some difficult times right now and seeing him will be difficult.

On another tangent, I know that cognitive behavioral therapy is not working for me. I would like to try EMDR or DBT. I don’t know why I keep falling back on CBT because it just doesn’t work for some people (like myself) with treatment resistant depression. I really want to feel better and medicine is not enough at this point. Medication only takes you so far. It’s the combination of medication and therapy that helps to rise out of a depression.

While at work today, I am going to see what it takes to become an Uber or Lyft driver. It’s worth the exploration. Being a security guard is just getting to the point where I don’t want to do it anymore. I am sick of being treated so lowly. I am sick of the low pay for fairly high expectations. Maybe I should try my hand at driving and see how it goes. I’d have to remember to withhold about 15-18% of every check but I could write off fuel and cell phone expenses. I could probably even write off the cost of renting the car. I think I’ll look into seeing what all of this entails.

My favorite holiday of the year has finally arrived: Halloween. I am super happy today because this day represents a day when nothing bad or traumatic has ever happened to me. Well, maybe that’s not quite true because I just had a memory of something bad that happened to me when I was in 5th grade in school for Halloween. But the cool thing is that this is the first time that I’ve thought about it since I was a child so I am glad it really didn’t shape me. Teachers can be emotionally and psychologically abusive, perhaps even enjoying it. I had one of those types and karma bit her hard. I learned later that she died from cancer. I took no small amount of schadenfreude in this because she seemed to take particular delight in being verbally and psychologically abusive to me. Her comeuppance relieved the trauma from that year.

But anyhow, I am not writing to feel upset today. I am writing out of excitement for the fun and innocence that Halloween brings. I am looking forward to operating the candy slingshot with my best friend and being with my new and beautiful fiancee. Halloween is always a long day because of all of the running around we have to do in preparation for nightfall but I’ve never really minded at all. This year in particular the day will be longer.

I am starting to feel physically even better now that it looks like the diabetes oral med that I am taking, Actos, has started to work. I’m noticing that my numbers are looking a lot better now. I had my first true sugar low last night when my number fell below 60. I have to bring this up to my care team because it might now be time to lower the amount of insulin that I am taking. After I finish my blog entry I will send a message out to them and ask if I should be taking less.

I still wish I didn’t need a cane but the diabetic neuropathy has progressed to that point. Perhaps, I will one day be able to give up the cane, but for now, I will use it because I cannot risk a fall being on Warfarin. A fall could have very serious consequences. I don’t know that I have much more to really say or write today.

There’s something about me that really likes rain in autumn. I like the cool dampness and the feel of the rain on my bald head. While my avatar is a black kitty, I am human and bald nevertheless. For some reason the the rain represents renewal to me, almost like a fresh start and a promise of something new. This year has been incredibly challenging and it seems like after each challenge that I have adapted to, improvised, and overcome, another one pops up. I am writing this blog to get some swirling thoughts out of my head.

Yesterday, I got some news where it looks like my leave of absence will not be approved by the University of Delaware. This means that I will have effectively failed out of the Masters in Social Work program, yet through really no fault of my own. I never, for the life of me, could have predicted that I would develop a pulmonary embolism, bradycardia, and syncope which kept me in the hospital for a good bit of September and early October. Then the diabetic neuropathy in my feet took a turn for the worse now requiring me to walk with a cane. I just don’t have any fight left in me to challenge UD’s decision should it fall in my favor.

I am emotionally and physically spent from all that has gone down. But the rain represents renewal and my health is slowly turning a corner for the better. I will be on a blood thinner for the rest of my life but I actually need less mental health medications at this point. I’ve been pulled off of 3 mental health medications so I this is a bright spark. If it turns out that I will have effectively failed out of the University of Delaware, then I have a backup plan. I don’t love the backup plan because I will have not achieved a goal of independence as I will still be an employer instead of an entrepreneur but my head will be above ground.

Should the worst news get delivered, I will upgrade my Delaware Security Guard license from a Yellow Card to a Red Card. The Red Card allows me to be an armed security guard. The pay is better, and with occasional overtime, I will do alright. It’s neither a great professional life nor a truly bad one. It would be one I could ultimately live with and not be depressed about.

While I am not 50 years old just yet, I am just about past middle aged for my family’s lineage. When I look back on what I’ve done, I’ve done some pretty cool things in my life. I’ve backpacked over 100 miles in the Sierras, I’ve climbed a mountain, hiked on a glacier, been to Tokyo over New Years. I’ve had some adventures and experiences many do not have. The only thing I have not done is settled down yet. I am certain that I would like to settle down now for the remaining ~40 years of my life should I be privileged enough to live that long.

I just need today to go by relatively quickly because Halloween is my favorite time of the year bar none. Halloween represents a time for me that has no trauma, no emotional, and no psychological damage; a time for pure child-like joy. In fact, Halloween is the only “holiday” that is just unadulterated fun. As an adult, I enjoy watched the children dressing up and getting candy. I also enjoy the mature after parties. Halloween is great because it holds no expectations and much less commercialism than other times of the year.

Over the past 60 days, I’ve had a lot of changes in both mental and physical health medications which have caused a lot of upheaval in my life. For a while I had random crying spells where I would be on the bus and suddenly I would start crying out of feelings of despair and hopelessness. The body and mind are not separate systems, they have to work together for everything to function optimally. The medication changes and starting to get my blood sugar back under control have done a lot to improve things.

When I was last in the hospital for bradycardia, I was pulled off of a couple of mental health medications: Topiramate, Mirtazapine, and Buspirone. When you are on a multidrug therapy for treatment-resistant major depressive disorder, it is often difficult to understand interactions between medications. Psychiatric professionals understand this too well because these medications work (or don’t work) for different people. Sometimes this is an art more of a science and the professionals go on empirical evidence to gauge what might work. Well, after being pulled off those meds my bradycardic episodes have cleared up.

I felt mentally worse for a spell as I was beginning to adjust to a normal. After a few weeks of taking insulin, Ozempic, and Actos my bloog sugar is slowly getting into a healthier range. I was battling diabetic neuropathic pain in my feet and we changed medication dosing so I would be taking it three times a day instead of twice and now I can walk pain free. I still cannot walk without a cane but I am strangely okay with that. I’ve been getting off of Effexor in favor of Fluvoxamine because of safety concerns with Effexor. Well yesterday I experienced a palpable turning of the corner in my mental state. I was happy all day. In fact, I was so happy that I took a long walk after work to a bus stop further away. As I was moving about with my cane, I felt a deep, abiding sense of warmth and happiness.

I woke up this morning to have the feeling last. Now that I think that the delicate balance of my medication situation has been worked out, I feel cheery in the morning and it seems to last through the day. Between the pulmonary embolisms and moments of fainting and bradycardia, I can really see how the body is comprised of individual systems and they must all work together to functional optimally. If the body is sick, the mind is heavily effected. If the mind is sick, the body does not function optimally.

This week is going to be a very exciting one. Of course I cannot tell Denisse why just yet. I have to be very creative and secretive. Denisse is sharp as a tack and I cannot risk her detective skills figuring this out. This is a good surprise and one that she will truly love. This week is simply going to crawl by. What I need now is to continue to feel good.

I am up unusually earlier this morning because my mind was really active last night and the dreams were, while not horrible, were just disturbing enough that I finally lost my desire to go to sleep altogether. Despite this, I am feeling pretty good because I will be able to resume my masters in social work classes come January whereas I thought I would have to wait until the fall of the next year to start again. The medical problems have really been hard on me.

Today is going to be a long day and I want to make it as productive as possible. A good chunk will be taken up simply in the travel time that it takes when you don’t own a car in the car culture that the US is. My first stop en route to UD campus is to the outpatient lab so I can get more blood work done. I am hoping my INRs will be in range this time. Warfarin is a pain in the ass as a blood thinner. Too low clots form and too high the risk of internal bleeding becomes serious as even slight injuries could cause problems. After this stop, I make my way to campus to medically withdraw this semester. Then return home. By the time all this happens, a full day will be spent.

When someone tells you that you have enough time to do a lot of things in one day, which coincidentally is what a conservative-minded person would say, it is totally legitimate to remind them that not everybody’s 24 hours is the same. What should be relatively quick errands become drawn-out affairs when you rely on a perpetually underfunded and unreliable public transportation system. Not everyone can afford the a car, let alone the expenses of owning one. I dream of being able to afford one but it just isn’t in the cards right now.

A car would make a lot of things much easier right now. I often joke that I should go out and steal a Kia or Hyundai and join in on the fun as they’re the most stolen cars on the market right now. But there’s no beating a electronic databases and certainly no beating a police Motorola radio. 😆

I would even happily have a hoopty beater to drive around. I’m certainly not a discerning shopper in that regard. The only things I ask is that it has AC and heat, starts, and the transmission at least minimally works. It could even stall once in a while and I’d be okay with that. The thing could be beaten up and scratched to shit with mis-matched panels and I wouldn’t care. I’m not too proud. I’d just be happy to get from point A to B.

I’m really looking forward to Halloween this year as I do every year. It is the one day out of every year that has no psychological trauma, fear of rejection, emotional manipulation, etc. associated with it. To me, Halloween is just pure fun, a safe space where nothing bad has ever happened to me. It represents perhaps the only memories of childhood that are not painful, confusing, or perplexing.

I guess that is about the size of it for today. I hope my friends overseas are all doing well and that we make the day the best we can.

I needed to write a second blog entry because things seem hopeless. I know that this is just my brain talking and it is not really the circumstances in play but nevertheless it feels very real. I am trying to find hope amidst the hopelessness that exists in my area. Employment is very hard right now. There just aren’t that many jobs all around. It doesn’t help that I don’t own a car either – it’s actually very limiting. I am wondering what my next move will be.

I was hoping that there would be some armed security positions available but there are none. I feel stuck where I am at and I want nothing more than to quit the unarmed security job I have now. I feel defeated. It seems like it is no longer worth getting the armed security license in Delaware if there are not any jobs. Plus, the neuropathy in my feet is bad enough now that I need a cane so patrol jobs are out of the question.

I am at the point where I don’t know how I am going to make money. With costs of living going up, I may have to go off of Social Security Disability Insurance and try to make money however I can. I do not even know what I am really capable of anymore. I am fighting the feeling of being incompetent and an impostor as an adult. I never made the transition to adulthood really well.

I have an idea to become a remote bookkeeper and do some Coursera learning so that I could make this a reality. However, I am fighting my brain telling me basically what is the use of even trying. I’ve always been long on ideas and short on the follow through. Maybe it is really because I just don’t believe in myself. I don’t believe that I am capable or even that I am worthwhile. I just feel really angry and disappointed in myself. I feel like a failure.

How do I lift myself out of this? How do I snap out of it? Maybe I go back to basics and reread Small Business For Dummies? Perhaps that will get me to start thinking again about being an entrepreneur and how to plan. I am sad and defeated. I really feel all used up; the better years physically are behind me. I don’t even know why Denisse stays with me.

I don’t really know what to do right now or how to approach the rest of my life. I’m not even convinced anymore that I would make a good social worker. I don’t even know that I have it in me to do what it takes to become one. It might be time to pick myself up and dust myself off again. I am tired … very tired. I almost wouldn’t mind if something catastrophic happened to me and died. But again that’s the bad voice in my brain talking. The one I am trying so desperately to silence.

This morning I woke up surprisingly worried and anxious. This does not usually happen after the amazing date night that I had with Denisse. I usually feel good and relaxed the next day. I can pinpoint my worry to some of what I read about the possibility of our king dictator Trump invoking the Insurrection Act. The Insurrection Act gives very broad powers to interpret communications, even ones simply criticizing government, as terrorism or the beginning of a plot. This may make the internet significantly less safe. We will have to be very careful about what we post on social media.

The Insurrection Act allows arrest and detainment on only mere suspicion instead of the established legal standard of probable cause. I really don’t want my city swarming with federal law enforcement and troops as nothing good will come from it. I worry that someone who is black or brown might get arrested. I am concerned that they will come for people who are documented as having mental illness like myself because I would be deemed a threat to safety even though I have no prior history of being violent.

This is a very serious and sobering matter. Before Trump and Project 2025, I would have dismissed news reports and blogs on this as merely drama and conspiracy theory. The news is now like a horrible apocalyptic reality TV show playing out except real human lives lay in the balance. I suggest watching The Stanford Prison Experiment. It is available for streaming on Netflix. You will see how people become quislings to authoritarian leadership. It explains the psychology of what is happening now.

My little apartment does not have the space to store food or water in case the worst should happen. I am (seriously) thinking about getting Denisse and myself bug-out bags with gear, food, water, stoves, and fuel so if we need to move and move fast, we can do so. Urban and suburban areas will not be safe if the Insurrection Act gets invoked and mass violent protests happen. My first priority is Denisse and her safety. I am not even what you would call a “prepper.” I am looking at this as a serious situation. I want to get to a mountainous area where there is safety from the land. Also I want to learn more about radio networks.

This morning I had a nice discussion with Denisse and told her my plan to upgrade my security guard license to a red card. This means that I will be able to work as an armed security officer in Delaware and open up better avenues to earning money. My current employer is unreliable about giving me work. I am sad because I thought I had built a relationship with my boss. But in the end, it’s all about money.

I’m hoping that my company’s competitor will have openings at one of their armed sites. The cool thing about them is that they provide all of the gear and the firearm. I won’t have to worry about taking a gun home and dealing with the associated responsibility. This would be a good situation all around.

The plan is to start the red card classes next month as soon as is realistically possible. I might have to borrow money from family for the cost of the class but I’ve been reliable about paying them back quickly. The cost of the class is a reasonable 350.00. I can handle that for the better opportunities. I’m truly hoping things will start to get better.

For now I just have to keep going. Today I woke up knowing I would have difficulty walking so I’ve got my trusty cane. Diabetic neuropathy in my feet is no joke and some days it’s worse than others. Today happens to be one of those days. But I am a fighter and I will make it. Activities are just going to take longer.

This morning I woke up feeling cheerful and that is an encouraging sign for me. When my depression symptoms are waning, I feel better in the mornings and I want to seize the day. This morning has been the first in quite a while that I woke up not dreading the day or what I have to do. I hope that this is a positive sign of things to come. I did notice that my blood sugar control was the best it had been in quite some time. I woke up this morning with fasting numbers in the 80s! I think there is hope for me yet.

With all that has happened in the month of September and into October, I’ve also come to realize what is important to me. Denisse is really important to me and I feel closer to her as a result of the life altering medical issues that I’ve had. It’s a shame that it took this to realize what great woman I have in my life. Now I want to make certain that she’s happy and feels safe and secure. There’s so much I wish for her. I just want her to feel that she’s beautiful because she objectively is. This falls on me to keep reassuring her that she is and I like the responsibility.

Today will be an intentionally light day. This morning Denisse and I have a crap load of laundry to do and then it will be just a relaxing Thursday. She got me into Chicago Fire and Chicago PD so hopefully there will be new episodes on tonight. Another thing I’ve noticed after all of these medical problems is that I am spending less time overall on my computer and retreating into my office. It’s like I want to spend more time with Denisse. I’ve come to realize that time is precious and short. As I get older, time accelerates and I’ve become acutely aware of this. Now the moments I spent with the people closest to me become more important than ever.

I realize that it is good for my mental health to not only be loved but to love and care for another. The simple act of giving Denisse back rubs and shoulder rubs makes me feel good. I think I’ve matured in some fashion over these last two months. It makes me only want to become a better person to and for Denisse. I can freely and honestly tell her I love her. I hope one day she will be able to tell me the same. But I understand why she cannot because of the trauma that she’s been through. All I can do is continue to tell her that I love her because it is the truth.

Last night I had a rather transcendent experience. I know it’s probably not a good idea to mix beer and THC but my Odin. The experience was out of this world. So much so that I still feel pretty damn good the next day. This is not something I want to do often though. I don’t know how credible the research is on marijuana-induced psychosis is but I won’t risk it. Anything abused can be a bad thing.

Today I took Denisse to get new glasses and I really like her choice. I just wish I could take her depression and pain away. I’m angry at what men have done to her. She has just been treated so awfully. She is objectively beautiful but has been judged so harshly by men that she doesn’t see her beauty. It pains me that she has been subjected to this. This is why I need to give her daily affirmations of just what she means to me. I want to as well.

Denisse is a really good person and worth the effort to put into a relationship. I’ll keep making that effort!