This is the third blog entry I’ve written today in an attempt to keep my sanity. I am at work and finding my anger rising. This is why it is time to write and I know it will be calming. It’s times like the present that I get why people simply snap. We reach a point where we can handle no more. Fortunately blogging is a healthy coping skill. I will feel better after writing this. I remind myself that snapping gives my power away. I want to retain my power and control. Losing control means giving my power to the system. This just won’t and cannot happen. As bad as things feel, that’s all they are: feelings.

I’ve learned to question my feelings as another form of coping skill. Let’s just say I question my negative feelings. I look at them and ask myself if I’ve got an accurate perspective. The answer is simply that I do not and scapegoating this anger will not do. Writing about it is good though. I feel more relaxed but tired.

On the flip side, my mind is coming up with some positive ideas. I’ve been thinking about ways to make money that might simply work after a fashion. I did come up with a book idea that might be fun to write: Wicked Cool IT Labs. This would be a book for the curious and the person who wants to experiment with computers, networks, and servers. Somewhere along the line it occurred to me that this could be an indirect segue into creating an IT Academy.

Being a published author could give me some street cred as a teacher, especially if my material is good, creative, and fun. I could also do some podcasting. Maybe I want to write out a list of goals for my life.

I’m done going above and beyond so I’m just going to do the bare minimum going forward. If that is quiet quitting, so be in. I’m actually taking my lunch break this time and taking it away from the desk. Whatever little work ethic I had remaining for the company I work for just got dashed. My supervisor is using his personal laptop to watch YouTube videos and shop online yet I got in trouble for using mine. Double standard much!?

It’s all I can do to keep from throwing my shit into my bag and walking straight the fuck out. I mean just taking a big old hike; peace out and nevermore. At 1:00, my shift will not even be half way over. I feel like I’m in a state of chattel slavery. I’m not even sure that I can use the expression but I don’t care. I didn’t even sign the write-up form. My boss reminded me that I need to do so. I think I’ll just ignore him. I don’t have to sign anything at all.

I did it! I made the reservation for Monday to get the car and start doing Uber. I’m actually proud of myself.

I have a lot to process right now. The first thing to process is how I get out of a job that I mentally, emotionally, and physically hate. I even hate the company I work for. The toll it is taking is very real. I have got to stop the fear of Uber. It’s very simple and only involves driving people to and from their destinations. This is my last week picking up extra shifts as a security guard. On Monday, February 9th, I will begin Uber. The time is now and I want to do this so I’ll make it happen.

I wanted, with every fiber of my being, to send that resignation email I drafted this morning to my manager. My head is still hot so I’m not doing anything. It felt slightly better simply to draft that email. I felt like I reclaimed some power and emotional maturity. I will resign once I feel comfortable with Uber and not a moment before. I’m going to behave smartly and not make a choice I could regret.

But one thing is for certain: it is time to shit or get off the potty. I’m serious about improving things for Denisse and myself. I’m serious about making a run at self-improvement. So Monday, February 9th at 10am will go down as milestone of a day. I’m going to have to act with courage. The first few days won’t be easy but I will try.

I find myself also processing whether or not it is a good idea to teach information technology. Could I make it as a podcaster of IT subjects? Could I even do both? I’ll allow myself to relax and brainstorm.

I’m about to usher in another challenging week trying to negotiate and mental and physical hellscape that is the United States. I’m now waffling between Uber and upgrading my security license. I cannot make a choice that doesn’t feel like an all-encumbering decision. Perhaps I would do simply better not to fight it and just let the phase pass. There are some things to fight and coping skills are not working now. So I may have to simply ride the unpleasantness.

I want to relax today but knowing I have to work at my security job tomorrow ruins everything. I just feel like being stupid and worthless and I feel like I’ll be okay with that for today. After all, tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday are going to be painful. I wish life would get easier but it’s not. It’s getting sadder.

The bright spark is Denisse. Without her I don’t know where I would be. This is going to be short because the day will not be easy.

While on Reddit today, I was reading a posting in the r/smallbusiness community. Someone posted that they were having difficulty launching their business doing bookkeeping for other small businesses. They were bemoaning the difficulty of getting people to trust them. Someone else posited that soon a bookkeeper’s job would be gone to AI. Those words might well be prophetic. They struck a chord in me today because I used ChatGPT to create a chart of accounts for the business I just started. Next thing I know, my accounting system based on “Generally accepted accounting principles” has been set up.

I did not even need an accountant or bookkeeper to get started. ChatGPT distilled everything down for me and it worked. While I should feel good for accomplishing something of a personal milestone, I feel quite the opposite. I feel worried because it dawned on me that one of the services I thought I might be able to sell would be remote bookkeeping. Well, clearly I might be very wrong. This lead to some deep thoughts.

What does our society do when AI replaces many professions? What do we do to earn a living to pay for our needs, wants, and desires in an economic system that depends on consumption? When nobody has money to spend to make the gears of the economic machine turn, everything grinds to a complete and devastating halt. Soon the only jobs left will be working in fast food. Even those jobs disappear as robots cook the burgers, chicken, and fries.

When the middle class occupations cease to exist, we go back to feudalism, a 180 degree turn in human history for the worse. I wonder if AI will usher in a dark ages for this millennia. My present job, being a security guard, is being replaced by technology. This has now dawned on me. The very fabric and underpinnings of our beliefs and culture are about to be torn to shreds.

I hate it when I have dreams about all of the things I have regretted doing and all of my personal failures. It’s even worse when you wake up in the middle of the night thinking that the nightmare is over, only to have it resume upon falling back to sleep. I know these dreams are definitely related to the inordinate amount of stress that I am currently feeling. Today needs to be an easy, relaxed day where I work on things/projects that provide enjoyment.

I do not think this week is going to be as bad as last week though. I believe it will be somehow just a little bit easier. I am not taking on any additional shifts at work, even if asked. While I know I need the money, I need to relax and recuperate so I do not have another week where I teeter on mental health collapse. It is incredibly hard to talk oneself down from the ledge once in a week, let alone three times. It was entirely too much.

I don’t know what I am going to do today. I think I have some grand plans in trying to start this free class on Intuit QuickBooks. I don’t know that I will have the concentration to do so, but if I do not try, I fail by default. I may even feel better for just getting one of the lectures completed. At the very least it will be something. I notice that I am feeling very angry right now. Explosively so! I don’t know why but my patience is nil. Being angry is easier than breaking down and crying.

I also have a feeling that I will be written up at work today. I was so mentally done on Friday that I called out of work. I didn’t even want to think about going in. So, I am waiting for the supervisor to hand me the write up form on Tuesday when I go in for my 10am-6pm shift. Of course I will refuse to sign it because I never sign those things. Maybe I should search for work today instead of trying to build a business.

It is brutal cold! It’s the kind of cold where even the sun burns cold. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I’d be living on that icy planet Hoth. I went to the library and I was not productive at all. I couldn’t focus on anything other than my own personal woes. I did manage to get my blog somewhat more secured behind a proxy server and it took a while because my concentration level was that piss poor. I really just want to be able to take something like fentanyl and let myself drift away. But nothing good will come of that; quite the reverse actually.

What’s a man to do if he has ideas and goals but is otherwise unable to follow through? This is why I feel like I am failing my legacy, a legacy of successful businessmen. I suppose these feelings are contributing to some of the exhaustion because that is depression in a nutshell. It makes everything ten times harder. Even things I normally enjoy are hard and I find excuses not to do them.

I just realized today is the last day of January and I have little to nothing to show for it other than ideas, lost opportunities, and expensive realities. I guess I am trying to think of how February could be better but I am just not seeing it. I want to crawl into bed and sleep. I want to retreat from this bone-chilling cold and depression. I wish I had a hot fire to curl up next to and fall into a deep sleep – but I don’t.

Well, maybe there’s some promise of tomorrow and being able to concentrate on what I had in my mind. It’s good to have goals and it is good to want. I guess I need to carve out some time to at least watch one video or make it through one unit of the class that I intended on taking. I have to tell myself that even one hour is a form of success. Each time I tried to get to the learning management system of edX, I found myself distracted by something else.

On my way in to work, I had a bad panic attack. I know this was brought on by my worries about money and making ends meet. My heart was racing and I was shaking. I did the best I could to bring myself down from that awful feeling. In the end, I succeeded but it sadly set the tone for the remainder of the day. It doesn’t look good to have a security guard have a panic attack but I think I masked it pretty well. When I got to work, the tears kind of started flowing a bit but I didn’t break down sobbing.

I have a guaranteed shift on Thursdays and Fridays from 4PM-12AM and I am lucky that I don’t have to worry about relief coming. My shift closes out the day so I can go straight home afterwards. The Dart bus service was all kinds of messed up today due to ongoing post-snowstorm cleanup efforts which meant that I was stuck taking a Lyft through my company. It really and truly hurts that I had to spend another 40.00 to get home. This means my company made money off of me and I lost 3 hours of income to simply get to work. This hurts emotionally and physically. It takes a real toll.

I am still thinking that I just might be able to get this Uber thing off of the ground. It’s going to take grit and determination. I hope this does not become like the donkey and the carrot for me. I wish I had some better ideas for earning money but I feel like I am all washed up and that I’m just being deluded if I think I am going to get an IT training business off of the ground. Maybe I need to think of other ideas. Maybe these ideas will come with watching more YouTube videos.

I have another idea how I might make money. By no means am I a financial wizard, but I think I could learn bookkeeping and potentially do that under my business, Avvira Global LLC. I’ll have to look at some other things and brainstorm. It’s hard for me to come up with ideas so I may need to make use of ChatGPT for ideas. I am really feeling the aftermath of my panic attack and I still have 2 full hours of work left. I just want to crash and crash hard.

The cruelty of state and federal governments in the US knows no bounds. I’ve done everything right and by the so-called book. Then life happened, my business failed, my finances collapsed, and I became dirt poor and living on Social Security Disability. Now prices rise due to inflation, and ready or not, I must work full time again. My country sees me as a drag on it yet demands my love and patriotism. What kind of psychologically unstable situation is this!?

Yesterday was really hard for Denisse and I. On top of that I drank way too much last night. I haven’t drank like that since my college days. I had to drag myself across the floor and into the bedroom. I slept like crap as a result. I was so angry last night that it ended up leading to depression.

The country l live in is cruel to the working poor. Wages are far below what it actually takes to afford even the most basic needs. There is no help for the people that need it and the red carpets are rolled out for the wealthy in the form of tax breaks and incentives so that there is even less money in the coffers to help. It’s socialism for the wealthy and austerity for the poor; shouldn’t be this way at all.

Instead we have a carnival barker for a president that makes Calvin Coolidge look like a Rhodes Scholar by comparison. The one party that is supposed to care about the poor and working class just pretends to. It’s only performative. Both parties are committed to hyper capitalism. Both are committed to rigging the system in favor of the capitalist class.

It’s even sinister to the point where we no longer offer classes in personal finance to high school students. I’m 48 and back when I was in high school they didn’t teach it. I suspect that was simply because there wasn’t money in the budget. Today, it’s been discovered by the financial wizards that by not teaching people personal finance, they more readily go into debt through excess spending (and buying what they do not need) by marketing these goods and services such that they feel like psychological necessities.

Navigating financials and financial planning is confusing and I am just plain exhausted and stressed. I’d really like to have access to THC right now but I cannot do it due to potentially being drug tested. I am about to become my own business operator and I am nervous as hell; jittery as a junebug. I am scared that this Uber venture will not work out and I will be left with yet another notch in the belt of failure.

I know that I need a bookkeeping means but I cannot even afford QuickBooks for the self-employed. It’s going to eat too much into my income. I am going to try GnuCash instead. I hope that it can, at the very least, keep me afloat until better times come. I just feel like crying again. Crying because I feel the world really deeply. I discovered that I might reasonably be considered a highly sensitive person. Is this a harmful label? I don’t really know.

This is just going to be a quick entry because there’s not much to say other than I am exhausted and stressed. I am not looking forward to the hustle.