Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • A Rocky Start Today

    Today got off to a rocky start. I am very angry with DART, the Delaware Transit Corporation. They’re the people that provide busing and 2 buses were cancelled. So I ended up having to Uber into work and there goes 25% of today’s earnings. I am beyond angry but this is what happens when budget cuts strike and/or bus drivers call out of work: people get adversely impacted. I do not know how I am going to get ahead. I am literally drowning.

    In other news, I have my orientation with VGM so that I can begin driving for them on the Uber platform. Hopefully it will make financial sense. I’ll have to try it and see but I have strong doubts as it seems every other thing I try turns out not to be feasible.

    I did get a head start on building out my virtualization server. At long last, I am actually doing this! I am enjoying the challenges very much.

  • Rollercoaster of a Day

    Today has both been one of problem solving and another of new problems. Talk about real life whack-a-mole. One problem solved only to have another pop up. But at least I did get approved to drive through VGM which is good news. I have the orientation tomorrow.

    I’m very tired of having two steps backward for every one forward. It’s disheartening and demoralizing. It’s making me angry, short tempered, and depressed all in one. I feel snappy despite taking a restful nap. I feel a butt load of resentment.

    Oh well! This too shall pass as they say but I’m still waiting for it to pass. I’ll feel a good deal better if VGM works out because that could be a spring board to better opportunities. It could also be one giant fiasco. I cannot really predict and I won’t try. More information to come.

    I’m also pissed because I lost out on overtime from the security job. My boss yanked a shift from me. The money would have been welcome. I’m reminded again how I must look out for myself and my family because my employer sure as shit don’t care about me. Well, my manager does care. It’s just the fuckers above him that don’t.

    I think I’m just going to scream hash tags right now.

  • A Late April Sunday Morning

    I should feel pretty good about it being spring and all but I don’t I feel very down and worthless. My nightmares last night were vivid reminders of the missed/lost opportunities of night. I feel so unbelievably sad that I cannot concentrate worth a damn. I just feel like sobbing. I missed lost love and family opportunities; just not a good person. I live in fear and self-pity.

    Now I am going to lose my mom to Alzheimer’s and I need to go visit her in memory care but I am working every goddamned day just to stay afloat. I think I am going to see her after work on Monday or Tuesday. I feel tremendous guilt for not going. I’m fighting my own demons and seeing her continue to decline is going to make me feel worse. However, I do not want to live in regret so I will visit her this week.

    I had a high school crush on girl named Alynn Capoferri. I had a dream about her that I was pining after her but could not see her. Oh well. My nightmare was like a black and white, infrared photograph with brief moments of color. I think that was the best way to describe it. The Nickelback song, Photograph, really sums it up.

    I hate being autistic and suffering from major depressive disorder. It is an absolute curse – like living in a special kind of inescapable hell. I should be happy because I found a woman that I love to pieces and would never dream of cheating on her. But the reality on the ground is that I am suffering immensely. I feel used up and I feel like I will just continue to decline. Maybe that’s for the best. Maybe the Republican’s are right and if I cannot produce, the best place for me is the ground. That’s how I feel right now.

  • Plan For Today

    I have to work from 4p-11p today and I don’t really mind because the grand plan is to begin working on my book The Beginner’s Home Lab Book: Learning Linux & BSD By Building Real Systems. I’m going to follow the suggestion of my therapist to approach this as if I am writing a letter to a prospective learner. Despite being tired, I’m excited to get started. In preparation for writing today, I set up a PC to use for this purpose.

    This morning I set up some routing so I can reach the PC remotely allowing me to write effectively. I’m actually really excited! The excitement is lessening the lack of desire to go into work today. I know time will pass quickly. My weekend worksite is at a building completely locked down so I will be able to use dictation without the appearance of being crazy.

    I slept the day away and I still feel tired. I’m getting a huge resurgence of very intense nightmares that are effecting my sleep adversely. I’m even having nightmares while napping. It used to be that I could at least sleep during the day for a bit and it would be dream free. Not so much anymore.

    Well maybe I will get some work on my book accomplished. Maybe a sense of satisfaction will lead to a night of better sleep. I feel mentally awful like it’s a 10 yard fight. But the fact that I am writing this while on the bus to work is sort of a win in of itself. I wanted to call out but that’s not in my nature.

  • The War on Drugs

    I have said time and again that the war on drugs has nothing to do with public health or safety. Perhaps it once was but it’s not now. As with most laws nowadays, you have to see who stands to benefit from the law.

    The war is a cash cow for rehabilitation hospitals and private mental health facilities so big healthcare rakes in the dollars. The war benefits private corrections companies. Even law enforcement make extra money from overtime and special assignments.

    The drug cartels themselves are perhaps the biggest beneficiaries of these laws. Cartel leadership did not become as successful as they are by not having good business acumen. I am certain they accept a relatively small amount of product loss as the cost of doing business. Keeping drugs illegal means a higher street price and they know they would loose billions should laws change.

    I have no proof of this but I believe that the cartels donate to politicians hell bent on keeping drugs illegal. They may donate through shell corporations and borderline illegal money moving enterprises.

    Furthermore I believe that by maintaining the drug war, we are actually undermining safety. Violent crime would probably drop as a result of drug legalization. Drug legalization and treatment would go a long way towards making America safer and more secure.

    In conclusion, it’s time to admit that the drug war, much like alcohol prohibition, is a failure. We’re better off legalizing drugs. I forgot to mention one added benefit: the drugs would actually be safer because they don’t need to be produced secret. They can be manufactured using cleaner processes.