Black Cat Blog

Late last night I finally came up with a business name that I think is modern and creative for what will be my therapy practice. The name is Cognentiuum and its associated domain is cogentiuum.com. It’s a neat little word play that sounds good for what I want to do. It is also not too limiting.

The next thing I would like to do is see what services I could offer right now. I’d like to see about training to become a benefits counselor or something to that effect. I’m really itching to be over and done with being a security guard. I’ve had it with the bullshit.

The sooner I could launch Cogentiuum LLC, the better. I’m even dreaming about it at this point. And I just got an idea! I’m going to sign up to be a Ticket To Work Employment Network Provider so I could do benefits counseling. This might take awhile so I’ll have to hold on to my security guard job until it comes through but it’s certainly worth exploration.

Meanwhile, here I am more than half way through my weekend and ready to head home. This is not a whole lot of fun. Being a security guard is just no fun at all. I’m sick and tired of working to make somebody else wealthier and getting scraps in return.

I woke up today feeling pretty good and I’m trying to stay positive. I work a job that I really don’t like because it is thankless and demoralizing. Each and every time I think I have left the security industry for good, somehow I manage to crawl back to it with my tail between my legs. But that much said, this is the most I’ve ever made as a security guard so that is good. Also this weekend is different because I brought a book to read to help pass the time.

Today I also want to brainstorm some questions to ask for my practicum interview on Monday, April 21st. I have an interview at MeadowWood Behavioral Health Hospital to work with the inpatient side as part of my masters of social work program. This will be a good experience and I hope they will accept me. Here are some questions I have.

• What will I be doing for you?
• Will I be running groups?
• Will I be doing any individual work?
• Will I get exposure to documentation?
• How can I best help?

It would be really nice to have the practicum shored up and squared away in time for the start of the fall semester.

It seems like August 26th is a long way off. Oh and in other news, I am going to get hearing aids! This makes me so happy because, for too long, I’ve been missing out on conversations. These hearing aids are fancy. They’re designed to work with high end smartphones and AI to filter and enhance sound. I should do quite well with them.

I’ve been doing some more thinking about my business which I am going to start once I get through my masters of social work program and pass my licensed clinical social worker exam. I’d like to be able to do more than just offer therapy. I wonder if it would be possible to provide human resources outsourcing, employee assistance programs, case management, and other social work related services. I even thought about benefits counseling.

I think I’ve finally settled on a name for the business after hemming and hawing around. I don’t really know. Maybe I should just stick to one service and do that well. But the more revenue streams I can develop the better. My thoughts at least are entrepreneurial. I know that I tend to thrive in environments where I can be a self starter.

Yesterday, I reserved a book at the library on small business so that I can learn more about starting, running, and managing one. I’m in learning mode and love learning. I hope this will provide some more insights and advice. Maybe it will help me organize my thoughts as well.

I struggle when I am an employee in a corporate culture. I have trouble interpreting the unwritten rules of the workplace and often I have received the criticism that I am just not the right cultural fit. I also have trouble at times interpreting the priority of tasks when it is not cut and dry. Corporate culture is not disability friendly and I am on the autistic spectrum. I’ve either been fired or the environment has been so bad I’ve basically been forced to resign.

I know that by being self-employed I will ultimately be more comfortable and successful. After I get my LCSW, I’m going to start out by being an independent contractor for a couple of mental health agencies while I build my business organically. That way I have money coming in the door.

I wonder how I will market myself. Hopefully I can learn some ways. I know that there are business resource groups. I could try Facebook ads I guess. There will be brainstorming here. I will also need to figure out how I can differentiate myself from others out there. Lots to think about.

Unfortunately, I think I am on borrowed time at my weekend security guard job. I work for a great security company and I have no problem with the company at all. The problem lies in the site that I have been assigned to provide security at. The site where I have been assigned has a security manager that just does not like me for whatever reason and has made it her sole purpose to make my life miserable. I don’t work for this security manager. This security manager works directly for the company that owns the site that I am contracted to work on. Let’s call this security manager Linda.

Linda once tried to write me up for not doing my job. She does not have the power to write me up. When I saw the write up form in my mailbox, I wrote refused to sign on the form. I told my manager at the company I work for and he said not to worry about it because I don’t work for Lina. Then fast forward a couple of weeks and Linda decided to make surprise inspection of my security post. It just so happens that I was using the bathroom when she showed up.

As I was walking out of the bathroom, Linda approached me, got way too close to me, and started yelling at me like I was a small child being disciplined. She accused me of abandoning my security post. I said nothing at all until she stopped. Once she stopped, I quietly said while enunciating my words, “Good morning. Please do not every speak to me like that again. I am an adult. I needed to use the bathroom and I went ahead and did that. At no time did I abandon this post. When I was trained, I was never told that I had to get anyone to relieve me prior to using the restroom. In the post orders book, there is nothing in writing stating that I had to do so.”

I am sure what I said did nothing to further endear me to her. I still don’t know how I ended up on Linda’s shit list but I am guessing I am not “black enough” for the site. I am the only white security guard there. Perhaps Linda, being African American, wants me gone. Well, the handwriting is on the wall and I need to begin looking for a new security gig. Sadly, there isn’t jack shit out there but I keep checking Indeed every day.

Today I had my audiologist appointment and I had some really mixed emotions about it. On one hand I was looking forward to finally addressing this and on the other, sad about finally accepting hearing loss. My hearing loss revealed no surprises: I have hearing loss. I was sad about this but my sadness quickly faded when I got to experience the latest and greatest hearing aid powered by my smartphone. It was like magic. I could hear without straining or lip reading. It was like magic. Apparently the hearing aids use my iPhone’s processing capabilities and AI to constantly adjust the amplification of the hearing aids. I was happily astounded. My brain was so used to hearing poorly that the amplified and filtered sound of the hearing aids sounded almost unnatural. I had to almost laugh.

I’ve also been doing a lot of heavy thinking as of late about my future. I’m excited about starting at the University of Delaware in the fall for masters degree in social work. My ultimate goal is to become a therapist by way of becoming a licensed clinical social worker. I know that I work best as a self starter. I do best when I am accountable to myself so I want to go into private practice and run my own business.

Here I what I know about myself. I know that I struggle to work for managers and supervisors that make decisions that I deem irrational and stupid. I’m working on this through therapy but I’ll only be able to handle so much of it. Therefore, I feel destined to be entrepreneurial. I’ve tried it three times prior and failed because I planned poorly and had no real strategy or concept. This time I’m going about it completely differently.

For starters I’m asking a lot more questions and making less assumptions. I’m taking advantage of as many resources as I can to learn. I’ve learned to embrace AI and I’ve come up with a much more marketable business name and logo as a result. I have a good mockup of a website to implement.

Since I am planning to start a therapy practice, I am learning how I can use resources like Grow Therapy, Rula Health, Tava, and more to bring in money while I organically grow. The next thing I need to look into is health insurance for the single member LLC. My thoughts aren’t racing and seem to be fairly well organized.

I just need to be able to survive the challenges that the next two and a half years are going to bring. I’m going to be very busy and working very hard. I’ll have to dig deep in to energy reserves but I’ll keep the ultimate goal in my mind.

Yesterday was absolutely craptastic so I am hoping today will be better. I’m hoping that I will be a better person as well. I got upset at Denisse over an absolutely petty thing forgetting that she is still in a fragile emotional state; recovering from mental health relapse.

I’m the asshole here and I’m saying it out of pure recognition. Denisse thought I wanted her out of my life when absolutely nothing could be further from the truth. Denisse is my angel. I don’t want her gone. She’s going to have to get rid of me and then I would be really sad.

I know that as I progress in therapy, my anger levels will reduce and I will become more patient. This is going to take a lot of practice but it’s something that I have the ability to do. So I have my eyes set on today and the future. I’m trying not to let the current political and economic climate of the US dampen my spirits. I have a game plan and I am willing to fight the Trump Administration at every turn. In fact, when I finally have a business of my own, I shall have a special statement on DEI and the importance that the LGBTQ+ community has on the community at large. Because it is the truth and more than just words.

My security guard job on the weekends is really starting to irritate me. I would leave but the pay is good at $20/hr. I am a contracted security guard which means that I work for a security company that places me at a site to provide security. The site where I am assigned hasn’t really ever figured out how security works in their operations or what role they want it to do. Hence it’s more performative than anything. I hate job grey areas like this! It’s not good for my autistic mind which prefers more clarity.

I’m thinking of putting out the feelers for another job, maybe this one as a gate guard or an office building guard. I know I’ll take a cut in pay but the scope of duties will be clearer and simpler. This is perhaps something I would like at the moment. Admittedly, I’m torn because on one hand a devil you know…

I think I have to also start figuring out a budget because I’d like to save some money for a laptop for school. Ideally I’d like a MacBook Pro. That’s been on my mind as well. Well, to start with I’ve got to stop with the GrubHub shit I’m doing for myself. That’s just pissing money away. Denisse is right. I need to be managing my money better.

Here’s an idea! Practicing personal finance will help build necessary skills for running a business in the future. It’s not really a novel idea either. Just a matter of taking the time out to do it.

I have decided to begin journaling again because I have to get the anxiety and depression under some form of control and medication and therapy alone are not doing the trick. I know that writing has helped in the past so I know it is time to start up the process again. I hope I am not as bad off as I feel but the voice in my head has me believing that I am teetering on collapse and that just cannot happen. I cannot allow this to happen at all.

The one thing the voice in my head is not incorrect about is that my blood sugar is out of control again. I have to make my virtual appointment with Shannon and get back on my insulin regimen. This is important for both mental and physical health. I don’t want to die early. So I’ll get a Shannon to phone in a prescription for Lantus for me and get started on that immediately. Ozempic just wasn’t working and I ignored the everything. But I am turning the self blame off. The self blame is only making me externally angry and internally very sad.

I am beating myself up and telling myself over and over again, “How can I be a good clinician when I cannot even manage my own life!?” Well, thought re-framing has never worked for me so it is time to listen to my therapist and he came up with a good technique. His technique was to give this inner voice a name. And so I did. This inner voice is named Ray. Something simple and and anonymous. So right now I am practicing telling Ray to fuck off and go away. So this is me telling Ray to fuck off and go away.

The reality on the ground is that I did awesome. I got accepted to the MSW program at the University of Delaware. I am going to have a great pacticum experience and I am going to do a great job at whatever practicum I land. I will make a difference at whatever organization I end up at. I am going to succeed because I am smart and capable. My immediate problems are manageable. When I look at things rationally, I don’t have much to be immediately stressed about. Ray is telling me to be stressed out and I need Ray to fuck off and go away before he literally kills me.

I am also feeling really down on myself about my part time job as a security guard. Ray is telling me that I am a fuck up and deserve to be pigeon-holed in this job. Yes, I don’t like the job and it is thankless and demoralizing but it’s nothing I deserve and is only temporary. It isn’t punishment for past mistakes and it is something that I can do. I mean it is so boring that it is actually stress-inducing if that is actually a thing. I don’t really know but Ray needs to go away. I really wish I could find a security guard job that is just a desk job somewhere where I wouldn’t have as many duties.

I know this is getting long and rambling but it’s starting to feel a whole helluva lot better right now. I just need to make it through the grind until classes begin on August 26th. I’ve also got a nice long term plan that I am working on with rather defined milestones. I’m planning that all will go well and I will graduate from the University of Delaware in 2027. Immediately after graduation, I will sit for the licensing exam of the LMSW (Licensed Master Social Worker) so I can hit the ground running and gain employment in a clinical setting. From there, I plan to spend 2 years building my supervised hours to 3200 so that I can sit for the LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) exam and open my own therapy practice. This is my 5 year plan.

Now Ray is telling me that I’ll never make it. I’ll fail at business like I have before. The reason I did not succeed at business before is honestly because I did not go about things the right way. I have learned a whole lot since. Yes, I failed at three times prior but now I know truly what I did wrong and this time I believe I can make it work because I have plenty of time to do a lot of research beforehand and slowly and steadily formulate a plan.