I’m feeling angry and impatient this morning. Every little thing is bothering me right now and I want to lash out. I’m struggling to keep this in check but winning the battle so far. I think I am probably frustrated too. I want to be by myself and away from people but I cannot get away completely. I feel trapped.
I am also dreading going to my security guard gig at the housing authority. I don’t want to deal with the residents with an undeserved sense of entitlement. But it takes money to live in a hyper-capitalist society so I’ll do what I must but I don’t have to be happy about it. At least my time is probably winding down there. I hope my manager has replaced me.
I’m wondering what I’m going to do today just to relax and get by. I’m doing one of my least favorite activities which is laundry but it needs to get done. Maybe I’ll treat myself to some fast food for lunch. I am just so tired; the tired that cuts right to the bone.
I’m feeling like I am starting to lose hope and I hate the feeling. The combination of exhaustion, anger, and frustration is eating me alive. I know this intrinsically and I want to deal with it so that I am better prepared to start my masters in social work program come August. I just don’t know why every single little thing is bothering me right now. It’s like sensory overload. Maybe I’m simply having an “autistic day.” These things happen I guess. Every little sensory input feels magnified by a hundred times and that’s the best I can do to explain it; could be the reason for my wanting to lash out.
What would bring me relief right now? Writing isn’t doing it but meditation certainly would. I need a quiet space with some incense. But it has to be very quiet as I am woefully out of practice. Well I guess that’s all for now.