I’m sitting here at the desk on my last day at the housing authority as a security guard and I thought I would be feeling excited, relieved, and happy. I’m surprised to discover that instead I am not. I’m feeling sad and worthless, like I couldn’t hack it as a security guard so how can I reasonably expect to hack it as a mental health therapist!? I feel washed up like I’m undeserving of any kind of second chance whatsoever. Maybe my girlfriend should just walk away and leave me.
I’m not religious in the least but maybe something in the universe is trying to tell me something; just fucking give up, just quit while you’re not ahead. I don’t know how I am going to make it when I just want to cry but I cannot do it yet. I just have to fight back the tears for 7 more hours. Once I get off I can let the damn break if that’s what I must do. I’m sick of things being so hard and I am tired of the fight that life is right now. I wish for once something would come easy.
I’m struggling badly because not even my home computer lab is lifting my spirits. I simply cannot sink into a depression with school coming up. This must not be a possibility. I have to make it through the summer somehow. I have to make it to August 26th; a step at a time and a grind at a time. If I don’t I will be letting myself down and will have no good options left career wise.
In the mean time I have to find a way to survive this. I’ll just take it one day at a time and even one hour if I must. This is how the Navy SEALs survive BUD/s. I’ll face one challenge at a time. Today’s challenge is to make it to 11PM without tears flowing. 6.5 hours remaining now.