On September 2nd, I found out that I had a pulmonary embolism while headed to campus for my MSW program. I knew I was getting progressively sicker so I sought help and it was a really good thing that I did. I got the wake up call that I needed to begin taking care of my physical health. For someone that is autistic, this feels like so many balls to juggle. I just need to take things one task at a time and one day at a time. I’m trying not to feel overwhelmed.
I woke up this morning feeling so much gratitude and feeling better. I feel like I can breathe again. I feel thankful for having Denisse in my life. I feel like I want to nourish my body with wholesome foods and make good choices. I came so close to what could have been a stroke or very painful heart attack. I tempted fate and won this time. There might not be a next time.
Suddenly the crap that I’ve been eating is now very distasteful to me. The thought of eating it no longer holds any kind of appeal. I realize that I am no longer alone. For the first time in my life, I’m not living for myself. I’m living for Denisse as well. I guess my mind had not fully processed this or maybe it was my autistic mind. It might’ve been my lack of relationship experience relative to other men my age? I think that might’ve truly been the case.
Maybe before Denisse came into my life and up until today, I never really cared much whether I lived or died. I don’t have active suicidal ideation but I felt nihilistic. This morning I see life differently. I want to live and thrive. More importantly, I have a tangible reason to do so: my beautiful Latina woman that I go to bed with and wake up to every morning.
Also, I’m seeing the connection between nourishing foods, physical, and mental health. I can no longer find any rationalization that eating junk food will make me feel better. The human body, like a high performance car, needs premium fuel to function well. I think by eating more nutritiously, I will perform better.
I do not know what lies ahead. But right now I feel a deep sense of love, compassion, kindness, and a desire to do a lot of good for as many people as possible. Instead of feeling anger at the society I live in, I’m looking at how I can effect change and advocate. I’m looking at how micro and macro social work can be combined. I don’t even feel angry at the leadership of my country. Instead, I feel like a man of action. What can we do to improve and reduce the harm caused?