There’s something about me that really likes rain in autumn. I like the cool dampness and the feel of the rain on my bald head. While my avatar is a black kitty, I am human and bald nevertheless. For some reason the the rain represents renewal to me, almost like a fresh start and a promise of something new. This year has been incredibly challenging and it seems like after each challenge that I have adapted to, improvised, and overcome, another one pops up. I am writing this blog to get some swirling thoughts out of my head.
Yesterday, I got some news where it looks like my leave of absence will not be approved by the University of Delaware. This means that I will have effectively failed out of the Masters in Social Work program, yet through really no fault of my own. I never, for the life of me, could have predicted that I would develop a pulmonary embolism, bradycardia, and syncope which kept me in the hospital for a good bit of September and early October. Then the diabetic neuropathy in my feet took a turn for the worse now requiring me to walk with a cane. I just don’t have any fight left in me to challenge UD’s decision should it fall in my favor.
I am emotionally and physically spent from all that has gone down. But the rain represents renewal and my health is slowly turning a corner for the better. I will be on a blood thinner for the rest of my life but I actually need less mental health medications at this point. I’ve been pulled off of 3 mental health medications so I this is a bright spark. If it turns out that I will have effectively failed out of the University of Delaware, then I have a backup plan. I don’t love the backup plan because I will have not achieved a goal of independence as I will still be an employer instead of an entrepreneur but my head will be above ground.
Should the worst news get delivered, I will upgrade my Delaware Security Guard license from a Yellow Card to a Red Card. The Red Card allows me to be an armed security guard. The pay is better, and with occasional overtime, I will do alright. It’s neither a great professional life nor a truly bad one. It would be one I could ultimately live with and not be depressed about.
While I am not 50 years old just yet, I am just about past middle aged for my family’s lineage. When I look back on what I’ve done, I’ve done some pretty cool things in my life. I’ve backpacked over 100 miles in the Sierras, I’ve climbed a mountain, hiked on a glacier, been to Tokyo over New Years. I’ve had some adventures and experiences many do not have. The only thing I have not done is settled down yet. I am certain that I would like to settle down now for the remaining ~40 years of my life should I be privileged enough to live that long.
I just need today to go by relatively quickly because Halloween is my favorite time of the year bar none. Halloween represents a time for me that has no trauma, no emotional, and no psychological damage; a time for pure child-like joy. In fact, Halloween is the only “holiday” that is just unadulterated fun. As an adult, I enjoy watched the children dressing up and getting candy. I also enjoy the mature after parties. Halloween is great because it holds no expectations and much less commercialism than other times of the year.