So yesterday I had the kind of day which I simply refer to as an “autistic day.” This is a day when my symptoms are worse than usual. It seemed like every little sound and every piece of stimuli was amplified one hundred fold. I was trying to enjoy some iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts and every scrap of ever chair or every spoken voice was grating at my nerves. I wanted to just claw out my eyes and ears. It was a long time since I had experienced such intense over stimulation. It wasn’t a panic attack as I know the difference because I wasn’t feeling elevated heartbeat, nervous, sweaty, or shaky. I just wanted to go somewhere dark and void of stimulation.
I think some of the over stimulation might have been brought on by the stress that I am under to find better work than being a damn security guard and the beginning of graduate school. I know I am also stressing about things that I cannot control like the erosion of our civil rights and what is going on in the United States (the country of my citizenship) right now. But it does feel good to get this out on paper. I know there isn’t a medication that can treat this just yet and there probably won’t be any time soon. I need a kind of stimming toy but that would drive my girlfriend insane. Yesterday, someone sitting near me was constantly swishing his iced coffee drink and I wanted to rip it out of his hands.
At least my autistic symptoms are mostly sensory these days and do not really come out as difficulties with social skills, except in the workplace. I still have difficulties with the grey areas of the workplace. The unwritten rules are almost impossible for me to understand and the ever-changing social dynamic leaves me bewildered. I just hope that once I graduate from the University of Delaware in 2027 and obtain employment as a licensed master social worker (LMSW) that I can hand in there long enough to accrue the hours to obtain independent licensing. I believe it can be done. I just have to keep my head down and do this.