I have decided to begin journaling again because I have to get the anxiety and depression under some form of control and medication and therapy alone are not doing the trick. I know that writing has helped in the past so I know it is time to start up the process again. I hope I am not as bad off as I feel but the voice in my head has me believing that I am teetering on collapse and that just cannot happen. I cannot allow this to happen at all.
The one thing the voice in my head is not incorrect about is that my blood sugar is out of control again. I have to make my virtual appointment with Shannon and get back on my insulin regimen. This is important for both mental and physical health. I don’t want to die early. So I’ll get a Shannon to phone in a prescription for Lantus for me and get started on that immediately. Ozempic just wasn’t working and I ignored the everything. But I am turning the self blame off. The self blame is only making me externally angry and internally very sad.
I am beating myself up and telling myself over and over again, “How can I be a good clinician when I cannot even manage my own life!?” Well, thought re-framing has never worked for me so it is time to listen to my therapist and he came up with a good technique. His technique was to give this inner voice a name. And so I did. This inner voice is named Ray. Something simple and and anonymous. So right now I am practicing telling Ray to fuck off and go away. So this is me telling Ray to fuck off and go away.
The reality on the ground is that I did awesome. I got accepted to the MSW program at the University of Delaware. I am going to have a great pacticum experience and I am going to do a great job at whatever practicum I land. I will make a difference at whatever organization I end up at. I am going to succeed because I am smart and capable. My immediate problems are manageable. When I look at things rationally, I don’t have much to be immediately stressed about. Ray is telling me to be stressed out and I need Ray to fuck off and go away before he literally kills me.
I am also feeling really down on myself about my part time job as a security guard. Ray is telling me that I am a fuck up and deserve to be pigeon-holed in this job. Yes, I don’t like the job and it is thankless and demoralizing but it’s nothing I deserve and is only temporary. It isn’t punishment for past mistakes and it is something that I can do. I mean it is so boring that it is actually stress-inducing if that is actually a thing. I don’t really know but Ray needs to go away. I really wish I could find a security guard job that is just a desk job somewhere where I wouldn’t have as many duties.
I know this is getting long and rambling but it’s starting to feel a whole helluva lot better right now. I just need to make it through the grind until classes begin on August 26th. I’ve also got a nice long term plan that I am working on with rather defined milestones. I’m planning that all will go well and I will graduate from the University of Delaware in 2027. Immediately after graduation, I will sit for the licensing exam of the LMSW (Licensed Master Social Worker) so I can hit the ground running and gain employment in a clinical setting. From there, I plan to spend 2 years building my supervised hours to 3200 so that I can sit for the LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) exam and open my own therapy practice. This is my 5 year plan.
Now Ray is telling me that I’ll never make it. I’ll fail at business like I have before. The reason I did not succeed at business before is honestly because I did not go about things the right way. I have learned a whole lot since. Yes, I failed at three times prior but now I know truly what I did wrong and this time I believe I can make it work because I have plenty of time to do a lot of research beforehand and slowly and steadily formulate a plan.