I’m feeling utterly exhausted and just sick of people. I just need to retreat from people for a little bit and go into cyberspace. It’s not just any one person in particular but everybody in meatspace. Maybe it’s just that masking is exhausting. It’s difficult being autistic in a world that hates people like us. I mean the hatred is really self-evident as seen by RFK Jr., the current HHS Secretary. He wants to lock us away on forced labor camps – oh sorry, I meant wellness farms. So now I have to double and triple my efforts at passing as normal. These efforts leave me angry and tired at the end of the day.
Let’s add to this feeling of exhaustion, a constant state of anxiety that a life in poverty brings. Poverty is a condition I wish on virtually nobody. It’s both a mental and physical state of being; highly toxic and conducive to a short, pathetic, and disease-riddled life. I can understand why people snap under the unbearable weight of poverty. Poverty is expensive socially, medically, and economically. It seems like no matter what I do I cannot get even a little bit ahead and something smacks me back down. Poverty feels like a hole I cannot climb out of.
It’s almost as if I can hear the wealthy laughing at me and pointing the finger of blame at me. Sometimes I wonder if this is my fault. Did I really do everything like I should have? I really don’t know the answer to this. It’s no wonder I feel like the broken kitty clock with the very sad meow. I feel like I have wasted so many chances that I have been given that I do not deserve any more. I wonder if I am worthy at this point of even pursuing my MSW. Am I just going to let down society yet again?
I feel a lot of anger and resentment and I know it’s about to overwhelm me and cloud my better judgement. I feel it strongly and I feel the warning signs and symptoms right now. I won’t do anything violent and I won’t hurt anyone but I feel like I want to go scorched earth on my security guard job. I just want to call out this weekend, consequences be damned. I am hoping the writing calms me down some and puts things back in their place.
I don’t even know what else to say or even how else to communicate what I am feeling right now. I know what I am missing and I am really missing the Zen Center in Philadelphia. I loved those long silent meditation sessions. They brought me a lot of peace. The problem is that I just don’t have the money for transportation to get there right now. But man just sitting there in silence with my eyes in half-lids, concentrating on my breathing, and letting my thoughts flow through me unheeded was an experience that transcended words. After about 3 weeks of doing it, my doctor actually had to reduce the antidepressants because I was feeling just a wee bit too good.
I wish there was a Zen temple in Wilmington. I would be so happy if such a place existed. Somehow this might be a calling for me to start one? Trouble is I don’t have the formal training that the roshi had so I am not certain I could duplicate the experience or environment very well. Environment and experience is key to making the meditation effective. But I guess nothing ventured is nothing gained and I could see what traction a MeetUp might get.