This morning I’m angry because I’m working a double shift and I feel like I am living in a prison without any walls; like a dog living in a yard with an invisible fence. It’s an awful feeling and one without an escape but that’s how it feels exactly. I think I need to learn to set boundaries when it comes to employers. The trouble is that I am a people pleaser. But learning to say no is a powerful and necessary thing.
At least I managed to advance things along with Uber this morning. I found out what was stopping the background check from completing. Apparently, I forgot to tell them that I would be renting a car. Now, hopefully within a few days, I will be approved and maybe I can start the hustle. I hate the whole hustle culture that is America but I’ll do what I have to do for the time being.
It’s really tough being high functioning autistic in a neurotypical world. I think I am finally understanding where my anger is coming from. It is coming from the exhaustion at constantly having to mask and act normal in order to be accepted by the world at large instead of being able to be myself. It’s no wonder I am happiest in cyberspace where I am free to be myself.
I really feel taken advantage of by my present employer. It’s going to feel good to get out of this situation and into something maybe better. I hope I can swing this. I’m facing 2 really difficult years ahead. I’ve bitten off quite a challenge to go to graduate school full time. I hope I didn’t make a poor decision. I just know that I want to get my MSW done and over with as soon as possible.
Well, I do feel more relaxed after writing this. Journaling is such a good coping skill for me. At least I feel calm again and I’ll be able to much better deal with the rest of the day. I have the rest of my Dunkin cold brew coffee to consume which will hopefully keep me awake.