I know I am writing this a bit late in the day as I usually prefer to write in the morning and use writing to engage my brain and “wake it up” so to speak. But today, the writing urge hit in evening. I had a moment of insight this evening. I realized that I am actually a really intense person and that I have this tendency toward really black and white thinking and that I am a very black and white person. This might just one of the symptoms on the autism spectrum for me but it really hits home especially hard right now.
While rationally I know that few things in life fit perfectly into black or white, right or wrong, or yes or know, I know I automatically gravitate into that kind of rigid thinking. Yes, that’s exactly what it is – rigid thinking. Rigid thinking can be just one sign of autism and it can be a comforting in an uncertain world for someone with autism. Sometimes I do not understand how to see the various shades of grey in life but with each passing year I do get better at it. I accept some things do not fit neatly into a cookie cutter outline and that they are more complex than meets the eye.
Is it the complexity of life that sometimes makes me angry? Is it this complexity that I cannot reduce to a rigid simplicity that frustrates me? This is quite possibly so. I love it when I have these moments of clarity and insight. I cannot always correct the pattern of thinking but understanding it lessons the intensity. For example, I have been looking at work from home 1099 opportunities and I was getting very angry at all of these stupid skills tests which were grading my skills at the English language when all they have to do is look at the writing samples on my blog. The AI grading could simply use my blog and see that I am, at the very least, proficient at writing.
I find myself simply wishing I could catch an easy break but I know that there are no such thing as easy breaks here. It’s time for some learning opportunities to see what I can teach myself beyond what skills I currently have.