Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • Feeling a Sense of Defeat

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    Yesterday, my boss sent me a text with some bad news that I think he really did not want to deliver because he is truly a good and decent guy. While I do not like the job and I hate the company, the same cannot be said for Chris. I feel that Chris could be headed for bigger and better things than OPS and I would give him one hell of a recommendation if he ever asked me. Hell, I’d be honored. I digress though because the bad news is that the company lost one of the contracts I was working on.

    I split my time between as a security guard between two sites to get to 40 hours. I work at a police department monitoring city cameras for 16 hours a week and city hall for 24. The police department decided to terminate the contract for under performance effective June 1st. The police department elected to save money by reducing staffing from two evening shift guards to one and three day shift guards to two. So the supervisor was actually fired as he was the one of the guards under performing. I was cut because I was only working 2 days a week anyways.

    OPS does not really have anything else for me at the moment other than where I am presently working. There is one site but it is quite a bit further away and not easily accessible. It’s also more like lite police work, dealing with addicts and transients. This is something I do not want to do. I sought out another company that elected to take a pass on me. There are postings for armed positions but the expense of obtaining that license upgrade is not insignificant.

    So I feel defeated. I feel like my next logical step is to try and get Uber off the ground to fund a business venture. I was watching a YouTube video with Denisse and the person wisely observed that traditionally self-employment was riskier than traditional employment, but in these days and times, it has flipped. It’s getting impossible to find work. It used to be that you could always find work as a security guard. Now that is not even true anymore.

    I am really not enthusiastic about this but I am taking the walk to the local Avis that serves Uber drivers to see what it’s going to take to rent the car and get this venture started. I am anxious and nervous about doing this but I have to get it done. I need a way to earn money. I am getting older and this is increasingly difficult. Corporations don’t like hiring the older worker despite incentives to do so. We are seen as liabilities instead of assets. Is it because of health insurance costs? Is it because we are seen as less capable of learning and adapting? I just don’t know. I love to learn new skills and develop new capabilities.

    Yet again, I find myself having to escape the jaws of defeat. The difference is that I am now older and the perception is that I am somehow no longer capable of working a traditional job, despite having the skills to do so. Who knows? I might find I actually enjoy doing Uber. Maybe it could lead to some opportunities that I am not considering because I am in such a depressed state. I truly do not know what the answer is.

    The only thing I know for certain is that times are crazy and we have even crazier leadership. Trump and his cronies want to build a ballroom that will cost north of a billion dollars and everyday people like myself are hurting. Trump starts a war with Iran and he probably does it to further enrich himself, his family, and the defense industry. I am almost certain that Trump has investments in Big Defense.

  • I Feel Somewhat Better

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    It is amazing what a good night’s rest will do for the body and mind. I honestly feel somewhat better this morning. At the very least, I feel better than I have in several days. I am just waiting for Denisse to wake up and then the two of us can enjoy a nice breakfast and catch up on some more of our favorite shows. At some point today, I want to take a walk to the local Avis rental location that services Uber drivers just to see what monies I need to make this Uber venture happen. I’m over and done with OPS Security Group and security in general.

    It will feel good to reduce security to a weekend gig. I just want to use that to offset a slower week or two. But now that we are getting into the summer season, I expect that things are going to get busier. So, I guess I won’t really be completely rid of OPS but I will be rid of the worst parts of it which are at the Wilmington Police Department and those two 4 hour dock shifts where I don’t really get any personal work accomplished. 16 hours on the weekend is 544 bi-weekly with a rough take home of 408. That could potentially offset a bad week. I could also potentially pick up extra hours one week at OPS if need be.

    All-in-all I think I have a solid plan. It does mean that I will have to work hard. But it will be in spurts versus continuously so I can get rest in between the spurts. This may not be so bad but I will have to wait and see while I get things dialed in. Mostly it will be nice to have access to a car with unlimited personal miles. Even better that is an EV.

    I will have to sit down and churn the numbers to see how feasible this will be. It will do a lot for my mental health to say (mostly) goodbye to what I hate doing and have some more control in my own life.

  • Exhausted

    I kept anticipating my alarm last night so I awoke a couple of times. I did wake up once to legitimately use the bathroom. But the other times I was just waiting to wake up to get ready to go to work. At least I’m only going to work for a short 4 hour shift and then I have 53 hours off. I might even take the armed security class but I just don’t know anymore. I don’t feel like advancing my security career anymore. I want to end it permanently. But how many times have I told myself this!? More than I have fingers and toes.

    I’m on the bus headed to work and I hate this driver because he is some patsy for the transit company. He’s not running the heat in the bus and it is freezing cold. He’s just a jerk of a human being. I’m guessing he doesn’t want to run the heat so he gets better gas mileage and a better bonus for using less fuel. Be damned about the comfort of the passengers.

    My mental health is poor. I’m angry and depressed all rolled up into one ball of human misery. I cannot even see the good I have in my life right now. I cannot even see what potential opportunities exist because I’m in survival mode. Survival mode is very unpleasant and unhealthy. But I don’t know what to do at the moment. I am a loser and I am paying for the poor decisions that I have made in my past.

    The next move for me is probably going to be renting a car from Avis to use on the Uber platform. The cost of the rental is $260 a week for a Chevy Bolt EUV. I don’t quite know what I will be able to make from the whole affair but I sure will try. I think I need to average $24-$26 dollars per hour to make it worthwhile. Of course any more is gravy but any less will hurt because of taxes.

    I miss my mom. She is not doing well due to advanced Alzheimer’s Disease. I miss being able to run ideas by her. I miss her badly. She was my very precious rock, my gemstone and now she only recognizes me. That’s it. She recognizes me for a short while before asking me who I am.

  • Time For a Change

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    I have been miserable now for too long doing work in security and I see that the local Avis that is a few blocks from where I stay has cars again, specifically the Chevy Bolt EVs. I am thinking about renting one for $260.00 a week and using it on the Uber platform. I am going to say a permanent goodbye to OPS Security Group as it seems like it’s just a dead end job and I hate it. It’s making me thoroughly miserable and unhappy. Perhaps I can drive on the platform and still make enough money to make ends meet but there is only one way to find out and that’s to actually do it.

    I am at my wit’s end and I am tired of having doors closed on me. I don’t even have any expectations anymore other than grand failure. I am a failure. I may be smart but I just fail at everything I do. I do not even expect to succeed at Uber. It will just be happy circumstances if I do. At least electricity is cheaper than gas. I am so sad I could just bawl my eyes out. If I could have some success at Uber, I just might feel better.

    I really want some 7-OH to take away the immense physical pain I am in right now. My feet hurt all of the time. I also want some restorative sleep which I will have to wait for, at the minimum, Monday afternoon when I can take a nap.

  • I Don’t Know What to Feel

    This morning I just feel empty and blank. I feel nothing at all and I guess that is okay because it is preferable to feeling depressed. However, it is still somewhat disconcerting. Maybe I will feel better after taking a shower which I kind of have to do before work as my face is a bit stubbly. I have to make it through my 3-11 today and my 7a-11a tomorrow. Then I have a little bit more than 2 days to recuperate before working another marathon 9 days in a row. I think my shifts have been scheduled so that they straddle a pay period so no overtime for me.

    There seems to be no advancement opportunities and no love. Maybe I am just resigned at this point to whatever happens. It could just very well be that I am resigned to my fate. I want to do better but life just keeps knocking me back down hard. I don’t feel much joy anymore. Not even my computer lab gives me much joy. After all, it is plugging away, working, and there’s not much more for me to really do at this point.

    I regret moving from Arizona back to the east coast. Some of the best times of my life were spent in Arizona. I had a 1978 Lincoln Mark V, a 2009 Kawasaki Concours, and nice Jetta daily driver. I had a nice place to live with an absurdly low monthly payment. I enjoyed life. Since moving back east, virtually nothing has gone right. Save for meeting (and getting engaged to) Denisse, I’ve lost years of my life that I will never get back.

    Now I work a menial, dead-end job with no hope of ever rising out of it. I am out of second chances. I have to face this reality. Even my DVR counselor has given up on me. I don’t know what to say or do at this point.