Back when I was in high school, I had this really awesome writing teacher named Edie. I went to a friends school so we actually called our teachers by their given name. Anyhow, some of the best advice she ever gave us was to journal before embarking on tasks requiring heavy thought or concentration. So that’s what this is. I’ve lost contact with her as the years went by so I hope she is doing well.

So the activity for today is to continue the class on personal finance with Khan Academy. At the same time, I need to start looking at where all my money is going. This means looking at what all of expenses are. This is going to be a Sherlock Holmes style investigation because I don’t even know what I am spending my money on. But fortunately I am laughing about it and not blaming myself. That is, as they say, a start.

I am having the early stages of an epiphany so I don’t know where this journal is going to go. I realized finally just how stressful, demoralizing, and anger-producing living paycheck to paycheck is. Part of me realized this as I was beginning the class. Then I realized just how much of this was truly affecting me. I’ve been hating life, blaming myself for life’s choices, and finding myself wanting to retreat into substances for happiness.

I am realizing just how many parts of life are so interconnected and that few things exist in a silo. Getting my personal finances in order is dropping a stone into a pond. That’s my epiphany. Getting my personal finances in order is the next step on the mental health journey and one I’ve been avoiding. This tacit avoidance, I believe, is creating a traffic jam on the road to mental health recovery. I never completely get past a certain point, end up lost, and then back at the beginning.

Early this year I wrote about wanting to start and run a business. Somehow I convinced myself I could do it when not even my personal affairs are in order. Since I don’t have the “rich uncle” to instantly cut me a check (or multiple checks) for money to run a business, I must fund it myself. In order to fund it myself, I cannot live paycheck to paycheck and expect to get started.

When taking an initial look at things, I realized just how much money I was spending on streaming services, GrubHub food delivery, and Uber and Lyft. My jaw hit the floor. I’ve become a revenue stream for the gig economy. I also was spending money on electronic gadgets and services all in the hopes of making me feel better when they don’t provide lasting enjoyment. Instead, these expenses are providing a very temporary respite (and distraction) from the difficulties of life.

While tightening the spending belt is not an initially pleasant thing to have to consider, I’m now learning that there is a mindset to it. I wrongfully looked at this as depriving myself from these extravagances. Instead, this is not a matter of a deprivation but a matter of personal pride because I am gaining control of my life. I don’t own a car so it means waiting in the cold and wind at the bus stop. While doing that yesterday instead of taking the warm, cozy ridesharing service, I looked at it with a bit of personal pride, because instead of taking the easy and expensive way out, I felt like a responsible adult.

There will be more to come on this topic as my own thoughts continue to develop into descriptive language. But for now, the task at hand awaits.

I’m going to start off the adjustment to my new reality by limiting my soda intake to no more than two 12oz cans of diet soda per week. I’m going to drink water as my primary source of hydration. I’m going to take the opportunity to make some lemonade out of the lemons I’ve been handed. I think I might have ulcers from the poor choices I’ve made. But, as they say, the only hole you can’t dig yourself out of is the grave.

I don’t know what I am doing or where my journey will head but the next step is some personal finance education. I’ll do that tomorrow and learn how to create a budget. I’ll use YouTube to teach me everything my father never did. I’m going to be able to save more money instead of not knowing where it’s going. I’m going to think carefully and live with my head not in the sand.

This is already helping me to feel better. Maybe I will feel like I have more control over my life. Perhaps I won’t feel as if I am so subject to the whims of the man. My earnings will matter more and I’ll build some self-esteem and a sense of pride an accomplishment for learning on my own.

I won’t be able to afford Uber this week, I won’t be able to afford the security class, and finally my job is going to be eliminated. I just won’t even be able to go back to school come the fall. Since my position is being eliminated, I have some tasks to do and they’re daunting. I’m going to list them here.

My shift was quiet last night so I went through my bank statements and my jaw dropped. I’m spending a lot of money on streaming services, GrubHub, Uber, Lyft, Murphs Irish Pub, and a few other things. Let’s just say it was enlightening.

I just got home from work and I’m lying in bed thinking about how I’m going to have to experience some short term pain and maybe grow up.

• Learn how to develop a budget from YouTube.
• Create a cash flow to better understand where my money is going.
• Develop a budget from this and stick to it. I’ll stock away 50.00 from every paycheck going forward.
• I deleted GrubHub from my phone. I’m doing Walmart orders.

More to think any when I’m lucid. Maybe some short term pain is in order.

I’m not sleeping well and things are not improving as I had hoped that they would. It may just take some time to adapt but I hope it won’t take too much longer. At least my course of action is now set. I’ve made the firm choice to get my Delaware Red Card starting this weekend. I think this will open some doors toward more money.

I just have to make it through the next two days until the start of the class. I am still very conflicted over what to do though. On one hand, I think the better move might be full time Uber as that could the faster path towards starting my IT training and educational school.

Here is my internal struggle: Purely doing Uber to raise money for my IT training and education school might help things starts faster. But it’s riskier because I’ll have one source of income. It might be better to do 2 days a week of armed security for the sure fire some of money and then use the remaining five to use Uber to raise money for the main venture.

This is not an easy choice to make towards the end goal. If one path does not work out, I can always try the other.

Sometimes simply making a genuine effort to be friendly lifts me out of the doldrums. It definitely did today. I was really hoping to be sitting at a desk for my shift but I found the interaction with people to be uplifting. Well that was until the stupidity of my employer. Now it looks like I am just going to have to follow through with some plans for improving my situation.

I don’t like struggling and I am way too old for hustle culture. But what am I supposed to do when I am washed up and over the hill? The United States is simply a cruel country. The differences between parties, while stark, don’t really matter when it comes to rugged capitalism. Both sides agree that you either have money or work until you die. Right now things look bleak.

So yes, I’m going to make the effort. I’m going to spend money I don’t have to go to an armed security class with the hopes that I could be in a better place financially. It’s either that or begin Uber. I don’t know which makes more sense. I’ll get the armed license. It’s the course of action I’m committed to. All I know is that I’m tired and feel depression creeping back in because I can’t use THC. It was the only thing that kept me from being depressed.

No THC makes the daily effort that much harder; the struggle even more so. Now I just have my blog to get the swirling thoughts out of my head. I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I had a surprisingly rough day mentally yesterday. It all kind of took a nose dive when I found out from my good friend Jim that he had been laid off due to some kind of corporate restructuring. He said that his boss manager told him that it was nothing that he had done wrong. I originally wrote boss and scratched that out because we are our own bosses. Jim is my best friend so that was naturally a gut punch for me because I am an empath. And then I got into it with my manager.

My manager keeps asking me to stay later or pick up more hours. I am starting to stand up to him because this is getting to be a lot more than I bargained for and I am just learning to say, “No” without any guilt. I mean I am always polite about it but I am standing my ground. Well this has showed my manager’s true colors when he barked back at me via a text message which I simply summarily ignored. But my blood was boiling. I feel like the proverbial donkey with the stick and carrot. He keeps promising me things that just never appear and I am finished.

It feels like I am in a financial hole that I just cannot dig myself out of. It is like the sides of the hole are greased so each time I try, I fall back down. I cannot make it on the chump change that my security job is paying me. It is very frustrating. I realize that there are people worse off than myself and maybe a little gratitude is in order but I just don’t feel any. Why should I be grateful for scraps thrown at me in return for the exploitation of my mind and body? There is no dignity in forced work and Good Will Industries is wrong in their slogan about work.

I really wanted to attend the armed security class but it now might make more sense to simply start my Uber venture. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. I am stuck in indecision and I have Denisse and her Phlebotomy course on my mind. I want her to succeed and I am cheering her own. Believe me, I am cheering her on.

At least today’s shift will be pretty easy. I’ll be sitting at a loading dock for 4 hours. I’ll have to watch the loading dock cameras so that I can open/close the garage door for vendors coming to the building. This still leaves me with time to work on my laptop or phone. I wish I didn’t feel so depressed and anxious at the moment. It is amazing what THC does for me. I don’t have to use it everyday – once or twice a week – and I feel so much better than all of the Big Pharma crap being cooked up.

There are some days where I am scared that I’ll snap. However, I am reigned in by my love for Denisse. She reminds me silently that I no longer live for myself and that I live for the both of us. For the life of me, I don’t know how I’ve made it as long as I have. A shitty psychiatrist once attributed to some innate stubbornness that refuses to let me go. Well, that gave me a chuckle because he’s not incorrect.

Today the mission is just to make it through and to survive another day in this Trump World hellscape called America. I have a choice: I can become bitter and take it out on others or I can make some of this pressure turn coal into diamonds. I hate the expression because it is what the wealthy use as their stick and carrot for us donkeys.

At the very least, I like the site where I occasionally fill in because the people there are cool. They make it kind of fun and lighthearted. I admire their ability to remain cheery in spite of the stress of living in America. The energy that these fellow security guards give off makes it so that, at the end of the shift, I don’t feel tired, bitter, or angry.

I don’t really understand exactly why I feel so angry at the moment. I feel like I’ve been cheated. I’ve done everything right and I still find myself hurting. I got good grades in high school, I graduated with a 3.50 GPA from college, and tried to get good long-term work. Instead, I’ve spent my entire professional life working on short term IT contracts or passed over for employment that I’ve been fully qualified for. Now I am 49 and feel washed up. To be fair, age discrimination is a real thing for people over 40. I am so sick of the worry and stress. Since Corporate America largely deems me unfit for employment, the best I can do for employment is work as a security guard. Capitalism tells me I should be grateful to have employment at all.

The finance bros will tell you to eat less avocado toast and drink less Starbucks. They live in a world very divorced from reality. I make 2.00 per hour over the minimum wage in my state. My state does not follow the federal minimum wage standard, instead setting it at 15.00 per hour. This barely puts food on the table and doesn’t pay rent in my market.

Now fucking Trump wants to start World War III and is probably plotting invasion of Greenland as we speak. It can no longer be dismissed as hyperbole. I believe the crazy fuck is honestly hell bent on Greenland and the poor and working class will suffer immensely on this foolhardy venture. I hope Europe strikes back. I hope that myself and Denisse can be refugees somewhere in Europe. As the United States becomes Gilead, frightening times are ahead.

I don’t get the point of even trying. Maybe the US needs a reboot brought on by a Europe united against us. I am actually praying for a European invasion of America to liberate it from Fascism. I want to watch Hegseth, Trump, and RFK Jr. hung by their balls in a town square somewhere. I want to watch Kristi Noem hauled in front of the UN to answer for her crimes against humanity. When these things happen, I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief if I am not already dead yet. I can only hope Europe rescues us. We’re not all bad people. The poor and working classes are the victims. We need to wipe out the billionaire class completely.

America is now pas the point of simply end stage capitalism. We are now at the end stage of the so-called “Great Democratic Experiment.” Very soon I will no longer be able to write this and I expect I may be branded as a terrorist for my own musings. I used to not care so much but I’m no longer living for myself. I’ve got a beautiful woman who cares for me deeply. I am a shit provider to her and I can barely take care of myself. I don’t know what the next step is. I guess I hustle until I die.

I’m a bit nervous this morning because I’m about to start a business and I’m scared of failure. This time I have no safety net and if this thing fails, it will end up being an immediate gut punch. I will still be working 2-3 days a week at my security job. I am going to try a few different things and see what ones work. I am thinking of going with either Avvira Enterprises or Avvira Global for the name but I am now leaning towards Avvira Global. It makes for a much shorter domain name and might look a little more avante garde. I think avviraglobal.com might look better than avviraenterprises.com. I kinda thought Avvira Enterprises looks fly-by-nightish whereas Avvira Global looks more serious.

The first venture I am going to try will be being a contractor for Uber. I have to have enough money to be able to rent a car. I think I will have enough money with the coming paycheck. I will rent the car and then try it for 2 weeks. If within 2 weeks’ time this looks like a fool’s errand, I will stop and look for a new idea. I know that I would like to try starting an Information Technology School that will teach certification classes. I may also try something like Uber Eats, GrubHub, or DoorDash. The gears are turning… I even thought about learning how to do remote bookkeeping as one potential idea.

I wonder if I could contract with the Delaware Department of Labor so that I could do the IT training. To raise money for this business activity, I could use some proceeds from participating in the gig economy to fund this. There are a couple of different avenues to pursue. I just hope that I will be able to continue to manage my depression and anxiety symptoms. I have a lot to do to keep me busy. I just have this innate fear of failure. In the past, I’ve failed at business three times. But all three times, I have several mistakes that I repeated:

• Mixed business and personal funds
• No business plan
• Untreated depression/anxiety
• Ideas solely related to IT managed services – This one in particular was not a good idea.

I also need to do some soul searching on how to organize/balance my life so all needs are taken care of. But I think before I do anything, I need to upgrade by security guard license to a red card which will allow me to be armed while on duty. Armed security licences are the gateway to more money. If I can get 2-3 days a week of guaranteed money from security, then I could potentially launch something. There’s still a lot to think about.

Unlike previous times, I am nervous and a bit frightened by this attempt. I was confident and even cocky about the three previous times and it got me nowhere. I think being more careful and taking the time to plan this out properly is the best course of action. For now, if I used one of the gig economy options to help launch and grow what I really hope to do would be the best course of action.

I also need to figure out what I am going to do for accounting and I think I am just going to use QuickBooks. However, ERPNext (Frappe) is also an option. Lots to do and lots to explore. For now, I am simply going to relax because I cannot make any moves until tomorrow and Saturday.

It’s now 2026 and I am so happy the previous year is behind me. I can focus on building a better life for Denisse and myself. My brain is currently living in the present and near future. I’m working on forming an LLC for my next venture. I’m thinking of naming it Avvira Global or Avvira Enterprises. I’m kind of torn between the two. Sadly I won’t be able to return to school because I now need a full time income. That’s life and it is okay. I’m also upgrading my security license to an armed one for extra cash.

I’m hopeful this year. Everything has started out much better. I love my sweet and beautiful Denisse. I feel young and in love despite turning 49 in March. I’m crazy in love for the first time in my life and the good feeling seems to be lasting.

I also want to see about getting Spravato treatment. Spravato is esketamine which has been shown to have profound effects for people barely hanging on with traditional antidepressants. I want to see if it helps me. My prescriber is completely on board with the plan so it makes sense.

I know there will be a few special days coming up. I’ve got Valentines Day, Denisse’s birthday, and the upcoming holiday season. Lots to look forward to. The next step is to the armed security class on Saturday, January 10th.

Once I get my license upgraded, I will either get an armed site with my current employer or make a change to a new one. Therefore, there will be no THC for a while as I cannot risk a positive drug test.