Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • I Feel Somewhat Better

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    It is amazing what a good night’s rest will do for the body and mind. I honestly feel somewhat better this morning. At the very least, I feel better than I have in several days. I am just waiting for Denisse to wake up and then the two of us can enjoy a nice breakfast and catch up on some more of our favorite shows. At some point today, I want to take a walk to the local Avis rental location that services Uber drivers just to see what monies I need to make this Uber venture happen. I’m over and done with OPS Security Group and security in general.

    It will feel good to reduce security to a weekend gig. I just want to use that to offset a slower week or two. But now that we are getting into the summer season, I expect that things are going to get busier. So, I guess I won’t really be completely rid of OPS but I will be rid of the worst parts of it which are at the Wilmington Police Department and those two 4 hour dock shifts where I don’t really get any personal work accomplished. 16 hours on the weekend is 544 bi-weekly with a rough take home of 408. That could potentially offset a bad week. I could also potentially pick up extra hours one week at OPS if need be.

    All-in-all I think I have a solid plan. It does mean that I will have to work hard. But it will be in spurts versus continuously so I can get rest in between the spurts. This may not be so bad but I will have to wait and see while I get things dialed in. Mostly it will be nice to have access to a car with unlimited personal miles. Even better that is an EV.

    I will have to sit down and churn the numbers to see how feasible this will be. It will do a lot for my mental health to say (mostly) goodbye to what I hate doing and have some more control in my own life.

  • Exhausted

    I kept anticipating my alarm last night so I awoke a couple of times. I did wake up once to legitimately use the bathroom. But the other times I was just waiting to wake up to get ready to go to work. At least I’m only going to work for a short 4 hour shift and then I have 53 hours off. I might even take the armed security class but I just don’t know anymore. I don’t feel like advancing my security career anymore. I want to end it permanently. But how many times have I told myself this!? More than I have fingers and toes.

    I’m on the bus headed to work and I hate this driver because he is some patsy for the transit company. He’s not running the heat in the bus and it is freezing cold. He’s just a jerk of a human being. I’m guessing he doesn’t want to run the heat so he gets better gas mileage and a better bonus for using less fuel. Be damned about the comfort of the passengers.

    My mental health is poor. I’m angry and depressed all rolled up into one ball of human misery. I cannot even see the good I have in my life right now. I cannot even see what potential opportunities exist because I’m in survival mode. Survival mode is very unpleasant and unhealthy. But I don’t know what to do at the moment. I am a loser and I am paying for the poor decisions that I have made in my past.

    The next move for me is probably going to be renting a car from Avis to use on the Uber platform. The cost of the rental is $260 a week for a Chevy Bolt EUV. I don’t quite know what I will be able to make from the whole affair but I sure will try. I think I need to average $24-$26 dollars per hour to make it worthwhile. Of course any more is gravy but any less will hurt because of taxes.

    I miss my mom. She is not doing well due to advanced Alzheimer’s Disease. I miss being able to run ideas by her. I miss her badly. She was my very precious rock, my gemstone and now she only recognizes me. That’s it. She recognizes me for a short while before asking me who I am.

  • Time For a Change

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    I have been miserable now for too long doing work in security and I see that the local Avis that is a few blocks from where I stay has cars again, specifically the Chevy Bolt EVs. I am thinking about renting one for $260.00 a week and using it on the Uber platform. I am going to say a permanent goodbye to OPS Security Group as it seems like it’s just a dead end job and I hate it. It’s making me thoroughly miserable and unhappy. Perhaps I can drive on the platform and still make enough money to make ends meet but there is only one way to find out and that’s to actually do it.

    I am at my wit’s end and I am tired of having doors closed on me. I don’t even have any expectations anymore other than grand failure. I am a failure. I may be smart but I just fail at everything I do. I do not even expect to succeed at Uber. It will just be happy circumstances if I do. At least electricity is cheaper than gas. I am so sad I could just bawl my eyes out. If I could have some success at Uber, I just might feel better.

    I really want some 7-OH to take away the immense physical pain I am in right now. My feet hurt all of the time. I also want some restorative sleep which I will have to wait for, at the minimum, Monday afternoon when I can take a nap.

  • I Don’t Know What to Feel

    This morning I just feel empty and blank. I feel nothing at all and I guess that is okay because it is preferable to feeling depressed. However, it is still somewhat disconcerting. Maybe I will feel better after taking a shower which I kind of have to do before work as my face is a bit stubbly. I have to make it through my 3-11 today and my 7a-11a tomorrow. Then I have a little bit more than 2 days to recuperate before working another marathon 9 days in a row. I think my shifts have been scheduled so that they straddle a pay period so no overtime for me.

    There seems to be no advancement opportunities and no love. Maybe I am just resigned at this point to whatever happens. It could just very well be that I am resigned to my fate. I want to do better but life just keeps knocking me back down hard. I don’t feel much joy anymore. Not even my computer lab gives me much joy. After all, it is plugging away, working, and there’s not much more for me to really do at this point.

    I regret moving from Arizona back to the east coast. Some of the best times of my life were spent in Arizona. I had a 1978 Lincoln Mark V, a 2009 Kawasaki Concours, and nice Jetta daily driver. I had a nice place to live with an absurdly low monthly payment. I enjoyed life. Since moving back east, virtually nothing has gone right. Save for meeting (and getting engaged to) Denisse, I’ve lost years of my life that I will never get back.

    Now I work a menial, dead-end job with no hope of ever rising out of it. I am out of second chances. I have to face this reality. Even my DVR counselor has given up on me. I don’t know what to say or do at this point.

  • Working Second Shift

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    Today I feel pretty darned good because I will be working at my favorite site, the Louis L. Redding City/County Building. This building is both the New Castle County seat and Wilmington City Hall. On weekends the building is locked completely down to the general public and it is collecting a paycheck. I enjoy the work very much because there is plenty of time for me to pursue my own interests and go down rabbit holes and warrens on my laptop. This kind of exploration is tons of fun for me.

    This morning, or should I say afternoon now, has started out positive. I know I should not be doing things like kratom alkaloids but they really help me sleep and relieve pain like nothing else. They are available at the local smoke and vape shop. After a mistake that my manager made, I unknowingly took a fill-in standing shift on Thursday. I am a pretty advanced type 2 diabetic so I was in agony by the end of the day. Since I had expected to have a seated shift, I did not have my cane with me so I limped to the bus stop and limped home from the bus stop closest to home.

    By the time I got home, there were stabbing pains in my feet. My kind, compassionate, and lovely Denisse went to get some 7-OH for me to help relieve the pain and it was instant. The pain was at an 11/10. I have a high threshold for pain and discomfort so if it was that bad, you know I was hurting. Anyhow, I still had some residual pain yesterday but I made the relatively poor choice to do the kratom alkaloid again last night but to dull the emotional pain and sadness I was experiencing.

    Again, my lovely Denisse sat with me through it all. Damn but I love this woman to pieces. At times she may get under my skin a little, but when push comes to shove, she means the world to me and I wouldn’t trade her for anybody else. We are coming up on our 2 year anniversary in August.

    So today the name of the game is to get through the afternoon and evening incident free! The idea is to enjoy the peaceful shift and re-think some book ideas that I have.