Denisse and I had a gummy last night because I was thinking I wouldn’t have to go into work until 4PM for a 4-12 at a police department doing bookings. But about 40 minutes after, I got a very gaslighting text about being on the schedule to work at the WIlmington City/County Building from 7am-11am instead which made me grumble for a bit because this week I was supposed to have Tuesday off and knew it. But Chris insisted and I didn’t want get into an argument.

So even though I got 5 something hours of effective sleep, I still feel effectively high. So I am breaking a cardinal rule of never showing up to work intoxicated. I am still buzzed from the gummy. Thankfully I am working as a security guard in a very low traffic area so I’ll make it. And to top it off, somebody I didn’t know showed up claiming that she was supposed to be working my shift. So she got upset and I grumbled.

Employers these days expect you to put your life on hold for them; like they can snap their fingers and you’ll hop to it. Now I get it if they are paying grade A health and welfare benefits but they better be 0 copay and 0 out of pocket. If I was working for a place like that, I’d willingly be johnny-on-the-spot. But it don’t quite work that way. Anyhow, I made it and completed the shift. I’m headed home in less than 30 minutes.

I think I was wrong about the placebo effect of Abilify. It really is helping the antidepressant work better. But it is not perfect and I still have days that are rough. However, instead of 80% of the week, maybe it is only 2-3 days. It’s a good improvement. I think I will take it because when I was on a larger dose, Denisse noticed that I had signs of tardive dyskinesia which can be an irreversible condition that manifests with uncontrollable facial movements. So the doctors stopped.

This time we are trying it at the lowest dose possible, 2mg, for a longer time. I thought for a moment that my feeling better was placebo but now I am not so convinced. Like I said before, I will take the improvement in any certain terms. Currently my stressors are finances and occupation. In other words, they are not cognitions of the mind. It seems like the longer and harder that I work, the more my needs just get out of reach.

So Abilify seems to lift me out of the purgatory doldrums of being in between experiencing feelings and not. I feel somewhat alive again. Just a shame I have to be on a cocktail of drugs but it is what it is. The nice thing about however is that my sex drive is slowly returning. Maybe trying 4mg of Abilify will continue to help with that.It feels more natural to have this sex drive. It may actually continue to help with the depression or they could feed off of one another during improvement.

I am facing a difficult decision because I do not like job hopping. I like my manager at the present company I’m working for. The problem is that there are not enough consistent and reliable hours. I’ve been told that there is potential work in the pipeline but that only feeds into my stress cycle. God, I feel like I am living in the movie, Elysium. If I went to this other company, I am going to get $2-3 an hour more but it is a big unknown. I don’t make much right now but the site I work at is peaceful and the people are respectful.

I will stay for now and re-evaluate at the end of the summer. Let’s see if what is in the pipeline comes to fruitition as it could mean competitive pay at the company I am at now. The trouble is I suffer from anxiety and impatience, I have a problem in that I want instant gratification. I’m like a squirrel with chestnut in its grip or a raccoon with a shiny object.

As the title reads, I have hit the point of exhaustion, desperation, and sadness. I’m working 6.5-7 days a week and have little to nothing to show for it. I feel like I have absolutely no agency in my own life. I feel some validation in that I am not alone, and yes, misery loves company. However, this mentality is not helping to improve things. In fact, I don’t know what will improve my situation save for a better job. I keep looking and haven’t found anything.

I am not sleeping well and I know it is because of the stress I am under. I think added to the stress is the feeling that there is no escape from present circumstances. My medication is preventing me from sobbing right now. I feel sad and nothing at the same time as weird as that sounds. The only escape from this, sadly, is THC gummies or alcohol. The only promise I can make is that I do not mix them. Nothing good comes from mixing substances one does not understand.

I did manage to solve a particularly complex and vexing networking problem. The fascists at my job offer guest WiFi access but have it so locked down that you cannot eve get to Reddit! What the hell!? You can’t get to eBay either. Well, I won’t stand for that. I set up a WebSocket Server (WSS.) This effectively creates a VPN. I added WireGuard underneath for additional security. Voila! I beat the deep packet inspection. I even named the endpoint exfil. 😆

If you’re going to offer unsecured guest WiFi and have the foresight to place it on a separate network, why would you care what I am doing so long as it is not outrightly illegal!? Well, I get blocking pr0n and pillz because it is the workplace but Amazon, eBay, Facebook, X, etc. Really!? Well, I busted through the corporate firewall using a pretty bulletproof combination of wstunnel and wireguard. Wstunnel masquerades the wireguard traffic as https web traffic. No way for deep packet inspection to tell the difference.

This morning I learned about a really and truly awesome piece of open source software called BookStack. I mean it is truly brilliant for both documentation and writing. I set up a virtual machine of it on my virtual network specifically to write this book I have in mind on home home labs, Zen and The Art of The Home Lab. I think BookStack will be a much better organizational tool than a traditional word processor like LibreOffice Writer or Microsoft Word.

So I have a project for this evening when I get to work. I am starting out this book as a series of letters to a fictional student. In these letters will be sometimes a stream of consciousness. This will get over the wall of writer’s block as my therapist, Nan, would highly recommend. I can then go back and edit to make it more cohesive and add citations wherever necessary. Now that I have a tool to make this easier, I can begin some writing.

The internet can be useful for getting recommendations and information but it still must be vetted for accuracy. There’s a lot of bad stuff out there but BookStack is not one of them. It looks to be shaped around the way my brain works which is asynchronously.

Some of my readers that have been following me since the New Year and to write as close to everyday as possible would be impressed by the fact that I have done this. Rarely has what I’ve been about to say representative of my finest hours because this year has been the worst of many. But even in darkness, there can be light and I have averaged one post a day. I know there have been a couple of days when I wrote two or more times and those balanced out the days I could not muster the energy.

I had mentioned before that I am actively reconsidering writing a book that I had discussed with my therapist. I realized I had been way too harsh on myself and did not follow her guidance. So I have an activity while at work this weekend. Nan had an absolute lightning bolt of genius when she suggested that I write this book like a series of letters to help break down some of the “writer’s block” and adopt the professorial voice that I am desiring to have. I have nothing to lose whatsoever, really so I will give this a try and follow her suggestions.

I am thinking that this might give me an appropriate outlet for my hobbies and help spread them. After all, a hobby is only as good as getting more people into it to replace the attrition. Is it me or is the border between hobby and cult a thin one? Relax, relax … I say that in jest. Anyhow, I digress – I am going to write this book for the new and aspiring computer home lab guru. It is a new and up-in-coming hobby that previously was more underground niche. More and more people are starting to get curious. Perhaps this is the beginning of something exciting.

Last night was quite unpleasant. It was another sleepless night. I really needed three days off but my boss contacted me about covering a four hour shift on Thursday and then I would have Friday off. I need the money and I am in no shape to turn opportunities down. This isn’t much fun but it costs money to live and the elites would have it no other way. Life feels like an unending punishment.

Last night I think I brought back my Mastodon and WordPress instances back from the dead. Well, I know I brought back my WordPress instance. I am not so sure about Mastodon. The database might have gotten corrupted while I was doing a few things and I stupidly neglected to take a backup of the damn thing. Well, I seem to keep learning this lesson over, so yes, this is stupidity at this point.

I don’t know quite how today is going to play out other than that I will be spending another 4 hours guarding a dock door when I am rather capable of so much more. This also frustrates me very much.

Abilify is making a big difference in my life. It’s not miraculous by any means but I am doing better. However I learned that I cannot take it at night because it is activating. I wake up at 4:00am all ready to rock and roll. By 2:00pm, I’m falling asleep. So yeah, I’m going to try it as a morning med instead.

Another day in the coal mines is upon me but I don’t necessarily care because I am doing what I must. I feel better than I did last night when I was all salty and morose. I’m in better spirits and feel a better sense of hope; at least for today. My goal is living in the present. I’m asking myself what my needs are to make today happen. That’s the most important question and thought.

Looking beyond today will merely overwhelm and sadden me. Once I have a better handle on my depression, I can begin to be more forward looking. For now, a life in the present is a life well lived.