Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • Mourning The Loss of a Dream

    ,

    I’m mourning the loss of my dream to one day have land in the mountains. I think I have come to the sad realization that I won’t be climbing out of poverty. I’m thinking the coming years are only going to be increasingly difficult. I fear that my life is going to be one of survival. Perhaps I’ve accepted this. But that doesn’t mean I cannot create new and very practical dreams.

    Since my prescriber has added Abilify to my regimen, I’m doing mentally better. Instead of feeling like I could break down and cry, I feel like I honestly could create new dreams that will be every bit as good and more achievable. I wonder what the coming days will bring. I know I’ll be in survival mode for a while because the economy is bad. I’m fortunate enough to even have this low end job. Service jobs are even hard to get!

    For the time being, I’m trying to live in the present, go to work, and do what I love which is working on my home lab. I’m not going to think more than a few days ahead. This is still living in the present. I feel good when given a good mental challenge and task.

    The next mission is to setup a private cloud with Nextcloud!

  • Some IT Work This Weekend

    I decided to get a lot of IT work done this weekend. One of my major goals was to get my lab systems on to a virtual network. The virtual network uses NAT for outbound connectivity but does allow some things inbound. I had to do this the manual way and it’s been a challenge. One of the things that makes Linux and BSD so powerful are their networking tool set. With the pretty much stock install, you can set up an entire virtual network within a host. If you’re willing to roll up your sleeves, there are some very cool things to do.

    The first thing I did was create a virtual network with a bridge on my server called virbr10. The virbr10 has a dummy interface called virbr10-dummy. The dummy interface is just to keep the bridge in an up state while the virtual machines load on boot. It’s an important thing to do so that the boot time is faster.

    This consolidation is ultimately a good thing but taking a lot longer than I had planned. I am still wrestling with getting my Mastodon instance moved but that’s okay. I know Mastodon can be really finicky. It’s not tolerant of stupid/arrogant sysadmins. 😆

  • The Positive Trend Continues

    ,

    It looks like the positive trend is continuing because I woke up and felt like smiling. I cannot say that I have felt like this in many, many weeks. Even this low dose of Abilify at only 2mg seems to be augmenting the Fluvoxamine antidepressant that I am on. I hope that the trend at least continues. I am on a low dose so I hope that the risk of tardive dyskinesia is low. That’s what happened to me on on the higher dosages, those at 5mg and above. I had some uncontrolled facial movements. I think I just want enough to work even minimally.

    Last week was one of the worst weeks I have had in a while. I am happy it is over and I can look forward. The one takeaway from it is that I am strong, perhaps stronger than I believe. My therapist is correct in her observations. Today I want to take a sobering look at the potential next steps for my life since Uber is no longer going to be a possibility. If entrepreneurship is still a potential goal, I have to figure out a way to get my name out there.

    The main thing for the next three days, today included, is to rest. If ideas come to me, I will simply jot them down for further exploration and examination next week. My brain needs rest after this week and definitely not further stimulation. I’ve been over-stimulated as a result of the anxiety and depression. The feeling has been super unpleasant so keeping things wound down will be welcome. It may be a challenge to simply jot the idea down for later examination because my particular symptoms of autism wants for me to act on them right away. That simply will not do right now.

    I want to watch some movies and shows with Denisse and just let my worries disappear for a while. I would even enjoy simply keeping Denisse company while she studies for a bit. I could peck away on my laptop.

  • Feeling Somewhat Better

    This morning I think I am feeling somewhat better as a result of the Abilify that my prescriber added to augment the antidepressant. I don’t feel top of the world but I do feel better able to function and I feel some motivation returning. At the very least, I don’t feel like breaking down and crying in public. That is undeniably something.

    I actually feel like I am generating ideas again. I feel like it is easier to think. I will take this small win. It’s going to be a longer day today. I don’t necessarily mind however because it won’t be an expensive one. It’s just going to be a day.

    I hope there is some cheap bodega near my workplace where I could scrounge up some food for lunch. I know of only convenience stores that are, well, shadier than most. Well, that’s about all for now.

  • Motivation

    This morning I am trying to find the motivation to do some things to better my existence but I am struggling. Last night I was sad because I knew I was going to need my cane to make it to work. The diabetic neuropathy in my feet continues to worsen at a rapid pace and the days of needing my cane are outpacing those that I do not. I put my cane near my bag in a strategic location so I would not forget it. I am hurting today.

    I found 3 jobs worth applying to through GoodWill Industries. One is actually an IT Help Desk Role that is a short bus ride away. The other 2 are state contracts with the Delaware Department of Health and Social Services. I think I will give these a try and see what happens. Something has to give and security is going nowhere. Even though I do not feel motivation, I have to summon it in some fashion. This is the only way I will better myself. I am sick of feeling sad and sorry. I will take things one day at a time and find something to do that is positive each day.

    Today I found 3 jobs worth applying to and I will do so. Hey, that is actually 3 positive things right there. I’m reminded of what a friend once told me: In a sea of darkness, there is always a lighthouse to guide you away from the rocks and shoals and into port. At the very least, this will guide me away from the rocks and shoals.

    I did not sleep so well last night. It was light and restless. I hope sleep tonight will be better. I hope overall things can better.