Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • A Sleepless Night

    Last night was quite unpleasant. It was another sleepless night. I really needed three days off but my boss contacted me about covering a four hour shift on Thursday and then I would have Friday off. I need the money and I am in no shape to turn opportunities down. This isn’t much fun but it costs money to live and the elites would have it no other way. Life feels like an unending punishment.

    Last night I think I brought back my Mastodon and WordPress instances back from the dead. Well, I know I brought back my WordPress instance. I am not so sure about Mastodon. The database might have gotten corrupted while I was doing a few things and I stupidly neglected to take a backup of the damn thing. Well, I seem to keep learning this lesson over, so yes, this is stupidity at this point.

    I don’t know quite how today is going to play out other than that I will be spending another 4 hours guarding a dock door when I am rather capable of so much more. This also frustrates me very much.

  • Learned Something

    Abilify is making a big difference in my life. It’s not miraculous by any means but I am doing better. However I learned that I cannot take it at night because it is activating. I wake up at 4:00am all ready to rock and roll. By 2:00pm, I’m falling asleep. So yeah, I’m going to try it as a morning med instead.

    Another day in the coal mines is upon me but I don’t necessarily care because I am doing what I must. I feel better than I did last night when I was all salty and morose. I’m in better spirits and feel a better sense of hope; at least for today. My goal is living in the present. I’m asking myself what my needs are to make today happen. That’s the most important question and thought.

    Looking beyond today will merely overwhelm and sadden me. Once I have a better handle on my depression, I can begin to be more forward looking. For now, a life in the present is a life well lived.

  • I’m Pissed Off

    I don’t know why but I’m exceptionally angry this evening so I’m doing some additional writing to externalize the thoughts. I feel like a victim and I’m simultaneously angry and depressed about this. I feel like no matter what I do I just get knocked around by life. I had my hours cut at work and I’m wondering what will be next. I feel like I’m being exploited as I’m being paid a whopping $17 per hour. This is two dollars an hour over minimum wage in a medium cost of living area.

    The conservatives would tell me to get another job while they’re stealing money left and right with a cigar hanging out of their mouths and sipping on expensive liquor that I’ll never afford. I don’t know if this is capitalism, corruption, or both. I personally think America is too late to be saved. Tomorrow I go to work to earn the miserly sum of money. I’m nothing more than a whore for my employer. I have a fully incorporated pimp. The irony is not lost on me.

    I’m tired but sleep does not restore me. My two hobbies no longer give me satisfaction. I feel like a machine of anger and despair. I’m too chicken to off myself. I’m also chicken for wanting to go to sleep and not wake up. I don’t see a path forward. Today I lost sight of living for today. Perhaps I will regain this tomorrow.

  • Frustrations

    I’m somewhat frustrated that my skill set in computing seems to have atrophied. I’m struggling and making rookie mistakes. On the flip side it is good that I am recognizing this and I do need to slow down and plan better; step away when my frustrations start to get too high.

    I’m finding myself looking forward to work today. It’s easy and I earn okay money. Things could be better, and yet, they could be a whole lot worse. I do need to honor my promise to Denisse to help her study and I am doing that first thing when I get home.

    I think while I sit in the dock office this morning I will try to get Let’s Encrypt certificates working so I can stand up my private cloud and have it secure. I am planning on hiding it behind a VPN because I don’t want it externally exposed.

  • To The Salt Mines

    , ,

    Today begins a 7 day streak of work. While I am not thrilled about it, I will manage. At least during the week, I am only working 4 hour shifts. That makes things much more manageable. Today I shall live in the present as I did yesterday. I will enjoy the challenges that Linux and BSD provide.

    I would like to look for work right now. It’s something I want to do but I’ll end up doing it passively because the grass is not greener on the other side. The schedule I have now works despite not quite being ideal. At least work is easy enough.

    This morning I want to get my private cloud going. I had time this morning to install the operating system and I chose Alpine Linux for its small, efficient footprint. I’m finding that there is an ideal Linux distribution for just about every scenario. The only 2 Linux distributions that I dislike are Ubuntu and Mint. They’ve been as troublesome as Windows.