Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • I’m Pissed Off

    I don’t know why but I’m exceptionally angry this evening so I’m doing some additional writing to externalize the thoughts. I feel like a victim and I’m simultaneously angry and depressed about this. I feel like no matter what I do I just get knocked around by life. I had my hours cut at work and I’m wondering what will be next. I feel like I’m being exploited as I’m being paid a whopping $17 per hour. This is two dollars an hour over minimum wage in a medium cost of living area.

    The conservatives would tell me to get another job while they’re stealing money left and right with a cigar hanging out of their mouths and sipping on expensive liquor that I’ll never afford. I don’t know if this is capitalism, corruption, or both. I personally think America is too late to be saved. Tomorrow I go to work to earn the miserly sum of money. I’m nothing more than a whore for my employer. I have a fully incorporated pimp. The irony is not lost on me.

    I’m tired but sleep does not restore me. My two hobbies no longer give me satisfaction. I feel like a machine of anger and despair. I’m too chicken to off myself. I’m also chicken for wanting to go to sleep and not wake up. I don’t see a path forward. Today I lost sight of living for today. Perhaps I will regain this tomorrow.

  • Frustrations

    I’m somewhat frustrated that my skill set in computing seems to have atrophied. I’m struggling and making rookie mistakes. On the flip side it is good that I am recognizing this and I do need to slow down and plan better; step away when my frustrations start to get too high.

    I’m finding myself looking forward to work today. It’s easy and I earn okay money. Things could be better, and yet, they could be a whole lot worse. I do need to honor my promise to Denisse to help her study and I am doing that first thing when I get home.

    I think while I sit in the dock office this morning I will try to get Let’s Encrypt certificates working so I can stand up my private cloud and have it secure. I am planning on hiding it behind a VPN because I don’t want it externally exposed.

  • To The Salt Mines

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    Today begins a 7 day streak of work. While I am not thrilled about it, I will manage. At least during the week, I am only working 4 hour shifts. That makes things much more manageable. Today I shall live in the present as I did yesterday. I will enjoy the challenges that Linux and BSD provide.

    I would like to look for work right now. It’s something I want to do but I’ll end up doing it passively because the grass is not greener on the other side. The schedule I have now works despite not quite being ideal. At least work is easy enough.

    This morning I want to get my private cloud going. I had time this morning to install the operating system and I chose Alpine Linux for its small, efficient footprint. I’m finding that there is an ideal Linux distribution for just about every scenario. The only 2 Linux distributions that I dislike are Ubuntu and Mint. They’ve been as troublesome as Windows.

  • I Am Doing Better

    I have been on a low dose of Abilify now for a couple of days and I am doing better. I didn’t realize how tired my depression was making me. For the second day in a row now I have no needed extra sleep. I won’t use the word hope just yet. I have to see how things pan out over a 30 day period. I need some time to be convinced that this is not a placebo effect.

    I’m going to be working for the next 7 days straight but I am not finding myself that much bothered. Of course I say this now but let’s see how this actually plays out. I did a good job living in the present and not thinking of the future. This is exactly the headspace that I needed to be in and I will take this win.

    I even managed to finally get my fully virtualized network and VMs done. I realized ChatGPT was the enemy of this endeavor. I just did plain old Duck Duck Go searches this time to separate the wheat and chaff on my own. Lo and behold I found the answers I was looking for. AI is really not good for very much. Nothing beats good research and critical thinking.

    I realized I needed a virtual network for my home lab to exist on so I’m not breaking shit for poor Denisse. Part of that challenge was the fact that Verizon gave me this shitty router that I had to work around. I also wanted features like an internal DNS server for my home lab so that I don’t have to assign IP addresses to the VMs. All I have to do is let DHCP do its thing and the names get registered with DNS. This makes management easier.

    I really like dnsmasq. It makes DNS and DHCP easy. It’s had a somewhat dubious security history but it is healthy now and it’s mature software. It works well for virtual networks like mine. Now that all of this is done, I can spend some time spinning up a private cloud VM. At least the tinkering is done. The network is finalized.

  • Mourning The Loss of a Dream

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    I’m mourning the loss of my dream to one day have land in the mountains. I think I have come to the sad realization that I won’t be climbing out of poverty. I’m thinking the coming years are only going to be increasingly difficult. I fear that my life is going to be one of survival. Perhaps I’ve accepted this. But that doesn’t mean I cannot create new and very practical dreams.

    Since my prescriber has added Abilify to my regimen, I’m doing mentally better. Instead of feeling like I could break down and cry, I feel like I honestly could create new dreams that will be every bit as good and more achievable. I wonder what the coming days will bring. I know I’ll be in survival mode for a while because the economy is bad. I’m fortunate enough to even have this low end job. Service jobs are even hard to get!

    For the time being, I’m trying to live in the present, go to work, and do what I love which is working on my home lab. I’m not going to think more than a few days ahead. This is still living in the present. I feel good when given a good mental challenge and task.

    The next mission is to setup a private cloud with Nextcloud!

  • Some IT Work This Weekend

    I decided to get a lot of IT work done this weekend. One of my major goals was to get my lab systems on to a virtual network. The virtual network uses NAT for outbound connectivity but does allow some things inbound. I had to do this the manual way and it’s been a challenge. One of the things that makes Linux and BSD so powerful are their networking tool set. With the pretty much stock install, you can set up an entire virtual network within a host. If you’re willing to roll up your sleeves, there are some very cool things to do.

    The first thing I did was create a virtual network with a bridge on my server called virbr10. The virbr10 has a dummy interface called virbr10-dummy. The dummy interface is just to keep the bridge in an up state while the virtual machines load on boot. It’s an important thing to do so that the boot time is faster.

    This consolidation is ultimately a good thing but taking a lot longer than I had planned. I am still wrestling with getting my Mastodon instance moved but that’s okay. I know Mastodon can be really finicky. It’s not tolerant of stupid/arrogant sysadmins. 😆

  • The Positive Trend Continues

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    It looks like the positive trend is continuing because I woke up and felt like smiling. I cannot say that I have felt like this in many, many weeks. Even this low dose of Abilify at only 2mg seems to be augmenting the Fluvoxamine antidepressant that I am on. I hope that the trend at least continues. I am on a low dose so I hope that the risk of tardive dyskinesia is low. That’s what happened to me on on the higher dosages, those at 5mg and above. I had some uncontrolled facial movements. I think I just want enough to work even minimally.

    Last week was one of the worst weeks I have had in a while. I am happy it is over and I can look forward. The one takeaway from it is that I am strong, perhaps stronger than I believe. My therapist is correct in her observations. Today I want to take a sobering look at the potential next steps for my life since Uber is no longer going to be a possibility. If entrepreneurship is still a potential goal, I have to figure out a way to get my name out there.

    The main thing for the next three days, today included, is to rest. If ideas come to me, I will simply jot them down for further exploration and examination next week. My brain needs rest after this week and definitely not further stimulation. I’ve been over-stimulated as a result of the anxiety and depression. The feeling has been super unpleasant so keeping things wound down will be welcome. It may be a challenge to simply jot the idea down for later examination because my particular symptoms of autism wants for me to act on them right away. That simply will not do right now.

    I want to watch some movies and shows with Denisse and just let my worries disappear for a while. I would even enjoy simply keeping Denisse company while she studies for a bit. I could peck away on my laptop.

  • Feeling Somewhat Better

    This morning I think I am feeling somewhat better as a result of the Abilify that my prescriber added to augment the antidepressant. I don’t feel top of the world but I do feel better able to function and I feel some motivation returning. At the very least, I don’t feel like breaking down and crying in public. That is undeniably something.

    I actually feel like I am generating ideas again. I feel like it is easier to think. I will take this small win. It’s going to be a longer day today. I don’t necessarily mind however because it won’t be an expensive one. It’s just going to be a day.

    I hope there is some cheap bodega near my workplace where I could scrounge up some food for lunch. I know of only convenience stores that are, well, shadier than most. Well, that’s about all for now.

  • Motivation

    This morning I am trying to find the motivation to do some things to better my existence but I am struggling. Last night I was sad because I knew I was going to need my cane to make it to work. The diabetic neuropathy in my feet continues to worsen at a rapid pace and the days of needing my cane are outpacing those that I do not. I put my cane near my bag in a strategic location so I would not forget it. I am hurting today.

    I found 3 jobs worth applying to through GoodWill Industries. One is actually an IT Help Desk Role that is a short bus ride away. The other 2 are state contracts with the Delaware Department of Health and Social Services. I think I will give these a try and see what happens. Something has to give and security is going nowhere. Even though I do not feel motivation, I have to summon it in some fashion. This is the only way I will better myself. I am sick of feeling sad and sorry. I will take things one day at a time and find something to do that is positive each day.

    Today I found 3 jobs worth applying to and I will do so. Hey, that is actually 3 positive things right there. I’m reminded of what a friend once told me: In a sea of darkness, there is always a lighthouse to guide you away from the rocks and shoals and into port. At the very least, this will guide me away from the rocks and shoals.

    I did not sleep so well last night. It was light and restless. I hope sleep tonight will be better. I hope overall things can better.

  • Present Times

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    I am a student of history. It is these current times of extreme socioeconomic injustice that the Black Panthers of the 1960s and 1970s prophetically warned us about. While the Black Panthers’ primary goal was racial empowerment of black lives, they also knew that empowering the lives of every poor and working class person mattered. They understood it was ultimately division amongst ourselves that was hurting us.

    While today’s Black Panthers still must necessarily be about helping the lives of black people and immigrants, they still have a vested interest in helping all oppressed people. If you are working two full time jobs and still cannot make ends meet, you are not a temporarily embarrassed millionaire, you are a victim of a rigged system. This system has us so thoroughly defeated that we have no time whatsoever remaining to organize against it. By the words of our friends that tried to warn us, this was completely by design. This is no accident and no by product. These conditions are intentional.

    We earn less money despite being collectively more educated and working harder. Our money is stolen from us at the grocery store, the clothing store, the energy companies, the entertainment companies, and even the internet service providers. Homelessness is on the rise amomg the employed! Yes, the employed! If that is not staggering than I cannot fathom what is. It may no longer be enough to organize against the system. That ship might very well have sailed. More drastic measures may need to be taken to prevent our lives from further descending into survival.

    It is time to start paying attention to the wisdom of the Black Panthers. It is time for all working class to open our minds and hearts to their experience and foundational knowledge as organizers. I encourage everyone to go to this website: https://www.uate.net. I have hit my final straw and have reached out to them in the hopes that I can use my technology skills to help them. If you have any kind of skills, whether you are white, black, latino/latina – whatever your background – please ask to become a panther. Panthers are smart, wiley, adaptable, and never give up. I am learning neither should I and neither should you.

    In our darkest of times there is hope! Let’s utilize the wisdom that many human lives have brought us. Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, Donald Trump, Tim Cook, and Bill Gates are but 5 people. They have made it impossible to work for reform within the system. The Black Panthers know that when barriers are built up within the system, we work outside and around the system rigged to kill us slowly.