Black Cat Blog

Well it’s another Sunday and I am at my job and I feel perfectly miserable. I just want to give the proverbial middle finger to the bosses but I know that will go over like a lead balloon. I hate America. I hate living here and I hate that everything is work, work, and more work. I wish we would all rise up and demand what we are entitled to.

Since I’m pretty tired I ordered some iced coffee in the hopes that it might just get me the boost that I need this morning. I got myself a bagel as well. It’s going to be a very hot and humid day; more like July than August. I’m trying to find something to be positive for and it just does not seem to be happening.

I just feel really angry this morning. I just want to explode at the world but that won’t do any good and will likely get me fired or worse. But I did have a good chat with my Uber driver on the way in and he gave me something to research. I won’t get excited yet but I’ll look into it. I might be able to rent a car and then drive for Uber. It might be better than doing this security guard shit I’m doing now.

I have a feeling that today’s shift is going to be a long, drawn out one. I just have to survive 8 hours today. That’s it and that’s all. I can do this or at least I think I can.

I’m feeling really stupid now. I made so many mistakes and I’m paying the piper for them. I thought I hated my career in IT. It turns out that I really didn’t really hate my IT career in the way I thought I did. I think I just hate Windows more and hated everything to do with Windows. I wish I had specialized when I had the opportunity to do so. I wish I had taken the advice I was offered. I would have gotten the Red Hat Enterprise Linux certifications and tried to find work.

Well, it’s far too late now. I’m old and age discrimination is a real thing in IT. That and the present job market in technology is awful. Experienced and certified professionals with advanced college degrees are struggling to find work at their level. They cannot even find low level help desk jobs that they’re overqualified for. So yeah, I’m feeling really down in the dumps.

I’m far better at Linux than I ever was at Windows because I have a strong interest in the software. Linux fascinates me in a way that Windows never will. If only I could rewind my life 10-12 years and actively pursue Linux as a career. But I can’t and the ship has sailed.

I hope that I’ve made the right decision to become a therapist. But only time will really tell. I think I have and a few other folks believe so. I guess I’ll just keep on using Linux as a hobby. Maybe that’ll provide enjoyment. I just hate that I’m starting over yet again. Starting over at 48 is not easy. It’s hard. It’s challenging.

I’m trying not to beat up on myself but it’s hard. If I were experienced in Linux, I could’ve been making some serious money right now. But who knows…I could be unemployed too.

I have no relationship with my father. In fact, I bare a lot of enmity towards him. But lately, I have been feeling wracked with guilt over these feelings as he slides further into the throes of dementia. I know this is just me because he’s caused me a tremendous amount of emotional and psychological trauma in my life, but at some point, I have to let this go. Virtually nobody deserves the misery of losing their mental faculties.

My father believes that the government is actively out to get him. He also believes that he is going to be handed a cashier’s check for several million dollars any day now; literally any day now. This is not going to happen and he will not hear otherwise so we know he has full blown dementia. My father has always been a little gullible and easily sold but he’s never been this defensive or adamant. Years ago he got sold on an absolute junky printer. When I told him that, instead of getting defensive we went together to return it and buy a good laser printer. He has also not been showering, shaving, or doing laundry. It looks like he has not been sleeping either but he has no history of bipolar disorder.

To try to assuage some of my guilt, I offered him a place to stay if he’s going to be evicted and he shouted at me that he won’t be evicted because he has a multi-million dollar check coming. That’s the end of that. He has no money. He just asked my brother for 1800.00 for rent. I guess I should feel some absolution of my guilt but I don’t.

My father wants nothing more to do with me. To be honest, I am okay with that. I wish I could do more for the man but I cannot. I have enough money to support myself and that’s it. I’ve long since stopped seeking any kind of approval from a man who will never give me any. I have to forge my own path ahead.

I am a little late to writing today because I am nursing a cold. I got this wicked sore throat last Saturday night and it stuck with me through this morning. Fortunately, my girlfriend made this most excellent recommendation of Alka Seltzer Cold & Flu so I am feeling quite a bit better as the sore throat is more sandpapery now instead of painfully sore. But I still feel loopy and out of it. More rest is in order I guess.

In between naps, I decided to do some work on improving my business server. Alma Linux (my favorite Linux distribution for servers), being essentially a compatible clone of Red Hat Enterprise Linux, is really encouraging its user base to migrate the firewalling from iptables to nftables. So, I spent the day learning about nftables and converted my firewall to nftables. There’s a slight learning curve to it but I found that my other favorite distro, Arch Linux, has a great tutorial on learning nftables so I plowed my way through that.

I am giving strong consideration to replacing Apache with OpenLiteSpeed just for its security, low resource utilization, and performance. I’m still in the evaluation phase and I may still end up using Apache simply because it integrates well with Virtualmin, my choice for web control panels. Normally I am all about working from the command line to add and remove users as I’m a sysadmin by trade but I want quick and ease of use now. Eventually, I am going to hand this system over to a Linux sysadmin when my business gets big enough.

My mental health today seems to be okay. I’m not feeling down despite feeling pretty sick. I think I am going to try and watch a movie tonight with my Denisse and get off the computer for a bit.

It is really hard having to go to work when you’re sick but that’s the situation I am in right now. I have a very sore throat that feels like it is on fire. I can work through a head cold without issue, but sore throats are very hard to deal with. The trouble is that I need the money and my job does not offer paid sick time. So work I must.

Fortunately, I do not feel grouchy. I just kind of hope this turns into a head cold by this afternoon because that is much easier to deal with. Today, I need to look for an nftables tutorial because I am struggling to get NAT working on my Alma Linux VPS. The easy firewalld system is not doing what I want. I think I just might need to reinstall the OS and start from scratch which is okay.

I hope today goes as fast as yesterday! I really just want to head home and go back to sleep. America needs to have a societal safety net with paid sick time and vacation time for everybody. It needs to be in the law. We’re human beings not robots!

I am truly worried about the upcoming semester and the start of my MSW program at University of Delaware. What happens if I do not have the mental or physical stamina to handle the rigors of the program? I have to entertain that it could be a very real possibility as it is going to be intense. It would be much easier if I had a car and could drive to campus but I don’t Instead, I have to rely on public transportation which easily turns what would be a half hour commute into an hour plus.

Here is what my schedule is going to look like. On Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays, I will have practicum which runs from 9:00am – 3:00pm. In order to arrive in time for practicum, my day will probably have to start at 7:00am. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I will have class from 5:00pm – 9:15pm. By the time I get home it’s going to be pretty late. Sleep is going to be a luxury and I am no spring chicken anymore at 48 years old. You can see that I am concerned. The path to the MSW is impossibly long if not done full time.

I guess I can make up for lost sleep on Monday and Wednesday nights. But I still have to work part time on the weekends. This is not going to be easy, and even that, is the understatement of the year. I am so worried that I’ve bitten off more than I can chew but the only way I’ll know this is for sure is if I try and do not succeed. I am in brainstorming mode to try to set myself up for the maximum chance at success.

I think if I can get the textbooks and begin my studies ahead of time, I can make hay while the sun shines and provide some stress relief once the semester begins in earnest. Getting ahead of the curve would probably be a good idea. I am headed to campus on Monday to pick up my student ID and to get a lay of the land to relieve some stress. I want to stop at the College of Education and Human Development to see what’s going on there and ask about course scheduling. This may relieve some anxiety so that my first day isn’t spent scrambling around.

Hey wait a second …. It just dawned on me that I have access to paratransit. Maybe if I planned accordingly, I could use paratransit to get me where I have to go and thus the commute time could be cut down some. I could possibly use it strategically. Yeah! If I scheduled a paratransit pickup when class is over, I could, in theory, get home by 10, be in bed by 11 and get enough sleep in time to use paratransit to get me to practicum. Okay!!!! Problem solved. Now I can smile a little. I know that was random (and a little scattered) but I have a solution. I can use paratransit to fill in the gaps where the regular bus wouldn’t serve my needs.

Okay, my anxiety is significantly reduced now.

I made a new friend on Facebook named Mike Green. I am very happy that he reached out to me that one day in the beginning of May. We are both going to be Masters in Social Work students starting in August. He is a really nice guy and I am going to meet him for dinner in real life. I hope it’s going to be just a friendly meet-up and that he will respect the implied boundaries because I am not gay and I have a girlfriend. I know he understands that I am just looking for another friend and a guy that I can talk to about guy things and emotional things with another guy.

He is already working in the social work field in mobile crisis which is really awesome so he’s getting a lot of experience. I am going to be really new once I get started in my practicum. At least I will be able to talk to him about my concerns and fears which feel very real. I know I don’t have much of a framework or model with which to extrapolate from. I’ll just have to observe and ask questions.

At any rate, we are going to meet in downtown Philly at a place called Taste Cheesesteak Bar. They have really good Cheesesteaks! I mean they’re to die for. Should be a good time.

I am simply tired and frustrated today. The meeting with my employment specialist really did not produce the expected results but Wendy was not to blame at all, rather it is simply a sign of the difficult times that are upon us. In the span of just over 100 days, the GOP and its MAGA contingent flushed America’s economy down the proverbial toilet. Now everyone not sitting on piles of money must suffer.

I now have to figure out how to do things that I have neither a training nor an education in. I have to learn how to market and brand myself on top of everything. Fortunately, I think there may be a Marketing For Dummies book available. I have to somehow teach myself to build a brand. Why do I feel like it is hopeless? How do I convince others?

This is not going to be easy. I have to come up with a daily plan and a schedule of what I am going to do and adhere to it. Oh shit! I totally forgot to show Wendy the accounting software. Oh well. Rome wasn’t built in a day and I have to work on me instead of wasting time on social media and farting around. Also I need to stop wasting so much time watching TV. It’s entertaining but it’s not furthering my agenda and goals.

Watching TV is diverting valuable time and resources from productivity. So is Facebook and Reddit.

I have some hope today because I am going to meet with my Vocational Rehab employment specialist. I know that she is working hard to try and help me build my consulting business; it is just going to take time. In the State of Delaware, the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation contracts a lot of services to vendors. The vendor that I chose to work with is The Heartlight Foundation. Wendy Claiser of The Heartlight Foundation is fantastic and I believe in the mission she does. Since her organization is a non-profit, I can volunteer and help her out in return. Thus it works out well because I can actually showcase my skills and actually prove what I can do and be more than just words on a resume.

After the meeting with Wendy, I am doing a top down evaluation of Heartlight’s information technology processes to see what it is they’re doing and if it makes sense and works well. Then I am going to type an executive summary and make my recommendations for improvement. I also have a demonstration of an ERP system for them that would be more cost-effective than simply going with QuickBooks. Wendy and her partner could work with their accountant and see if ERPNext would be viable solution.

Yesterday I also begrudgingly realized that I am long on ideas but short on follow through and I know this is really because my self-esteem is low. My brain figures what’s the point of even trying because it is not like I will be able to turn the idea into anything worthwhile anyway. I would really like to move past this mentality. I saw some real learning opportunities on Coursera that could make my resume shine a little more and open up some potential consulting doors for me. I just want to move past this self-esteem mental block that’s preventing me from getting started.

Maybe if I discuss these ideas with Wendy and ask her if they will make me marketable? After all, she is really an expert here. She could tell me if this would be time well spent and she advise me how I could market myself in this space. It’s worth bringing this up. I just want to believe in myself. I just want to not be so sad and not to give up so easily at the first sign of difficulty. This seems to be what happens when I see that I must market myself. It has the appearance of being insurmountable because I do not really know how to do this. It is not a skill I have but is it a skill that can be learned?

How do I market myself so that I do not sound like a douche? How do I market myself so that I sound likable? Maybe I ask ChatGPT for pointers? Maybe I Google for articles? There should be knowledge out there for the taking. Maybe there are library books out there to read.

I know I am writing this a bit late in the day as I usually prefer to write in the morning and use writing to engage my brain and “wake it up” so to speak. But today, the writing urge hit in evening. I had a moment of insight this evening. I realized that I am actually a really intense person and that I have this tendency toward really black and white thinking and that I am a very black and white person. This might just one of the symptoms on the autism spectrum for me but it really hits home especially hard right now.

While rationally I know that few things in life fit perfectly into black or white, right or wrong, or yes or know, I know I automatically gravitate into that kind of rigid thinking. Yes, that’s exactly what it is – rigid thinking. Rigid thinking can be just one sign of autism and it can be a comforting in an uncertain world for someone with autism. Sometimes I do not understand how to see the various shades of grey in life but with each passing year I do get better at it. I accept some things do not fit neatly into a cookie cutter outline and that they are more complex than meets the eye.

Is it the complexity of life that sometimes makes me angry? Is it this complexity that I cannot reduce to a rigid simplicity that frustrates me? This is quite possibly so. I love it when I have these moments of clarity and insight. I cannot always correct the pattern of thinking but understanding it lessons the intensity. For example, I have been looking at work from home 1099 opportunities and I was getting very angry at all of these stupid skills tests which were grading my skills at the English language when all they have to do is look at the writing samples on my blog. The AI grading could simply use my blog and see that I am, at the very least, proficient at writing.

I find myself simply wishing I could catch an easy break but I know that there are no such thing as easy breaks here. It’s time for some learning opportunities to see what I can teach myself beyond what skills I currently have.