Unfortunately, it looks like Uber is not going to be a sustainable business model for me. The payouts from rides have dropped while operating expenses are only going up. This makes renting a vehicle through Uber even riskier a proposition. So I came back to my security guard position when my manager let me know that he had Thursday and Friday evenings available again. It’s time to retool my thinking yet again.

I am fine with going back to work for the man while I let my brain process the ultimate direction that I want to head. I have an idea for a clothing and fashion line. This is the direction I ultimately want to go because I crave creativity and not just being a cog in the machine. This year has been very difficult for me so far and I realize I just need to slow down and not to expect freedom right away. I am fine brainstorming.

The one thing that I am somewhat unsure of is how to attack this goal. Does it make sense to try to start an unrelated business and use that as a launchpad for the goal? Does it make better sense to just work on the goal? There are pluses and minuses to both. Maybe I am grasping at straws and looking for the next (potentially) big idea? What if it turns out that I actually end up hating what I thought I’d love? These are all some things that I will need to explore in therapy.

I guess I wish my attention span were a bit better but it’s a known fact that depression can shorten it. Well as they say, one thing at a time. It just dawned on me that it would be beneficial to prioritize my goals, wants, and needs. This could help me organize and come up with a strategy. Perhaps in doing this, I may discover that professional independence trumps everything. If that is the case, then building any sustainable business becomes the priority. It’s a lot to process and reflect on.

Today I was surprisingly productive, just not in the way I had originally planned. I learned a lot from a webinar on website planning. The webinar included a link to download a planning template which is really helpful. Now, I have something to kind of go on for when I start that phase.

Tomorrow will be an earnest attempt at the business plan template. I just want to get one or two sections of the template completed. I think that’s manageable. At most I will spend two hours on this. I want to feel like I’ve made some progress.

I am a bit disappointed that I gave in to my impulse to take a nap. I was just so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I needed the nap but I wished I’d spent a little more time fighting this. I may pay for it with a lousy night’s sleep.

I have a lot that I would like to get accomplished today and almost all of it is related to my business. I really want to make some tangible progress on my business plan so I can feel good about this. The goal is to spend 2-4 hours on it and complete 2-4 sections. That’s a good example of a SMART goal. I like the idea of SMART goal settings. For those who do not know, SMART goals are specific, manageable, achievable, realistic, and time limited.

I think I’ll spend some time before my therapy appointment and some time just before my webinar working on this. All told that would be sufficient to make me feel like I’ve accomplished something. One step at a time, one moment at a time.

I just wish I didn’t feel so full of inertia. It’s the one downside to THC usage. The next day I feel, as I joke with Denisse, stoopid. Literally to the point of not being able to spell properly. My mind was nicely expanded last night and I thought about custom stationary designs as a business idea. Denisse gave me the idea for this and I want to continue to process the idea fully.

Just as I was headed to bed last night, I got some very welcome news of an easy security guard shift available. Yes, I had to get up early but in the end it is easy money so I am happy about that. My days of working hard are over and I am happy to do a cost/benefit analysis before taking a shift. The shift has to work for me every bit as I have to work on it.

I wish things would continue to get easy, however, they won’t. Life threw me a bone for today. It’s not even scraps, it’s merely a bone. I know I have two events this afternoon which I should be home in time for. One of these events is a webinar called, Manage Your Finances With Confidence Using Scalable Accounting Systems. The other is simply a telehealth appointment. I want to learn about what others in small business are doing.

I might do some work today using Claude. I want to use Claude to help me conduct some market research. I will have to remind Claude not to use its positive bias here as I need the truth. If I have a bad idea, I need to know that it’s a bad idea.

It is so hard to see my mom in such rapid decline as a result of Alzheimer’s. My mom had another fall and she’s clearly not remembering who I am but for brief moments. I feel like I am in a Salvador Dalí surrealistic painting. Maybe something like hell but I really don’t know.

I’m tired and fighting the potential for mental health relapse. It’s been a tough time all around. I don’t always know if I am getting worse or better. I don’t know what’s up, down, left or right anymore.

Again I had grand plans to go to the library and accomplish things. And yet again, it just isn’t going to happen. No sense in putting a square peg in a round hole. I’ll simply try again tomorrow.