Despite the sun shinning I am feeling very gloomy. I had a quick conversation with my brother and learned that my mom is not doing well. Her Alzheimer’s has progressed to the point where it is neither safe nor advisable for her to be alone. She needs round-the-clock care and it’s sad because she is such a good and beautiful soul. She’s done a lot of good in her life and does not deserve this kind of ending. I am angry that nothing bad happens to the Trumps, Musks, and Mike Johnsons of the world.

I am trying to accomplish a few things today but struggling because I feel so sad and down about the entire state of the world. I really want to run and hide; to become a child again. I feel like I never made the transition to adulthood very well. My feeling is not incorrect because I did not, in effect, make the transition. I am struggling to understand what is being thrown at me right now. I am overstimulated, reached the point of exhaustion, and left with grasping at straws to create some kind of life.

I hope that maybe the day will get better and happier somehow. I know I’ve a couple of stops to make on the way home. I don’t really mind though. I need to pick up some champagne for tonight for Valentines Day. I also want to see if Walgreens has some things that I need. Spending today with my beloved Denisse should be good. She’s a wonderful person; my angel sent to watch over me.

At least I got some thoughts out of my head that were swirling around. That always helps. I did get my small business virtual server set up. The operating system I should say is setup. I still need to move emails and files to it but I’ll get there.

I’m having a better day today than I’ve had all week, and ironically, it’s Friday, February 13th. I got a late start on blogging but I guess I don’t have all that much to say. I did have a nice discussion with Denisse this morning.

Last night, on a whim driven by the state of misery I was in, I explored the possibility of buying an electric car to use for Uber. I was surprised to find that it is very feasible and would be less expensive than renting a car weekly. I talked with Denisse and she seemed on board with the idea.

I just need to crunch the numbers to see if they will work out in my favor. I really don’t know what to find and how to plan this. I’ll just have to employ some of my newfound skills with a spreadsheet. I’ve discovered that some of this financial planning is not as difficult or overwhelming as it seems. This doesn’t mean I won’t use a professional financial planner one day soon but I am good for the time being.

The more I sit down to think about the system, the more I remain convinced that it is rigged to benefit the select few. But like all systems designed by human beings, there are flaws that can be exploited. The key is knowledge-seeking. How do I use their system to benefit me? This is a good question everyone working for a living should ask. I don’t necessarily mind working. I do, however, mind being exploited. This is driving me to seek out better opportunities for myself and Denisse.

The world is very confusing for autistic people. I’m on the spectrum and I battle with understanding my place in the world because I’ve never mastered the fine art of balance. My thinking is very black and white and I don’t deal well with ambiguity. I’m confused and tired. The world is a loud place.

It feels like I have to scream into the void and I still never get heard. I never made the transition into adulthood very well. I know I’m not the only one. I’m left feeling like I should not be suffering because I’m a good person. Why do utter vacuous shit birds like Donald Trump and Elon Musk not suffer?! I’m sick of the unfairness.

My mom is also really going downhill fast. The Alzheimer’s is progressing very quickly. I can feel and see her suffering badly. I don’t want her to live like this. Alzheimer’s is a cruel disease.

The title pretty much sums it up. I’m done! I’ve had it up to here with how difficult it is to live in the United States. I guess I’m learning how difficult AI makes things for the working class. AI benefits the billionaire class and large corporations. It makes doing business very difficult if you’re just plebeian.

AI makes it easier for the wealthy and corporations to charge money for a service they’re not actually providing. AI makes it easier for the wealthy to basically steal more money from us. I feel like a victim and I’ve had enough of being one. I advocate stealing back what was stolen from us.

I’m going to fuck around at work and collect my paycheck. I’m not going to do crap to help anyone. Let them send me home! I don’t care anymore and it’s relieving. I’m just going to do what benefits me and my family. I’m done being a people-pleaser. You don’t like me? Wipe your ass with sandpaper for all I care.

Every decision I make must be to benefit myself and my family. If you are asking me to do something that won’t provide an actual financial benefit to me, then the answer is, “No thank you. But good luck with that.” 🤣 I’m laughing and feeling free at the same time. Freedom is knowing what you’re worth and not accepting less than that. I’m starting to realize my worth.

I’m surprised that I am actually feeling good today. Yes, I do have to go to work but I’m oddly okay with it. I cannot really explain the good feeling but I definitely won’t bemoan it. Instead, I’m just going to ride it out and hope it lasts all day.

Some of this good feeling has got to be related to restarting the use of THC. Nothing else seems to work but I want to be very careful and not overuse. I also have to make a plan for Saturday. I want to work on my business and be ready for the coming week.

I’ll park my happy ass at the North Wilmington Branch Library for a couple of hours on Saturday and be as productive as I can. I would like to work on the technology side of business.

Yet here we are in the United States where everything and everyone is seen as a business transaction. I don’t like it but I don’t have the power to fight city hall. Instead, I’m going to make decisions that best benefit myself and Denisse.

My manager asked me to work a 10a-4p shift. I took a very powerful moment to decide carefully if this is what I really want and will it benefit me. I needed to make up money I lost yesterday due to the Uber debacle. A quick calculation with transit costs revealed that I would make up what I lost with a little extra so I agreed. I used to just agree to help out because I am, by nature, a people pleaser so this was a huge step in taking back my power.

I like being more careful in my decision making and I like considering the needs of me and my family first. Being a people pleaser caused me to be easily taken advantage of in corporate. People pleasing ate away at my mental health like acid chews through metals.

I plan to give Uber another try on Monday. I’ve got what I think is a solid plan but I’m going to have all of my i’s dotted and t’s crossed. For now, I have 23.5 hours until my next security guard shift. The plan is to relax and spend quality time with my baby girl.

Despite yesterday’s Uber debacle, I feel surprisingly good. My boss offered me a reasonable shift so I can make up some of the money I lost yesterday. In business, everything will always be a learning experience. Now I know and I am no longer beating myself up. Plus, this shift will only be 6 hours so it’s very doable.

In a weird sort of way, I am okay with paying out of pocket for the first week’s rental. It relieves some pressure on me and will allow me to learn. I recovered remarkably well from yesterday. I dare say I am proud of being able to ground myself and get going again.

I have to think of some goals for today. I wish I could have my laptop but I guess some asshats complained so I can’t bring it in any longer. I feel weirdly optimistic. I don’t know if it is misplaced but I will roll with it.

I know some goals that I would like to work on today. I know that Uber is really only going to be my gateway into self-employment. It’s not something for the long term. I see myself more of offering services or doing IT career training.

While this morning was very challenging from both an autistic and mental health standpoint, I can honestly say that I came out of this one surprisingly strong. I had a meltdown because I was way overstimulated. In previous times, I think this might have lead to me shutting down completely. Instead, I relied on some coping skills and I am proud of myself for doing better.

I did not know when I was headed to pick up my Uber rental car so that I can earn money on the platform, that I would have to pay in full for my first week’s rental. After that, they deduct your fares until you hit the weekly cost. So naturally I had spent time and money on getting to the rental location which is not exactly nearby. The meltdown came on while I was at the rental location but I managed to hold it together. Of course I am exhausted now.

I don’t know how I avoided a serious mental health collapse but I did it. I thought at one point I was afraid that I’d need emergency help. But damn if I did not do what had to be done. I did it and I am safe. So if there is a silver lining to this cloud, I know that I have more fortitude than I even I could’ve guessed I had.

I was hoping to get a few administrative things done with the downtime I have but it’s just not going to happen and that is perfectly okay. For now, it will simply be incumbent on me to relax and do some mindless things.

Antidepressants, while great for getting my head above water, also kill a lot of feelings. I don’t belly laugh anymore and I don’t feel or experience joy. Instead, I feel the absence of all emotion. I realized this while sitting down at work to do a job I detest. It takes THC for me to truly be able to have a hearty laugh. It’s amazing how good the laughter is and feels.

I wish there were more effective treatments for major depressive disorder. The treatments that exist largely do not work optimally. Just newer drug formulations but little is being done to really study MDD. I wonder if that is because it’s not “sexy” or “profitable” medicine.

I wish I could be without these medicines but I cannot. I wish life could be easier but it is not. I’m just going to have to dig deep into some energy reserves.

I wanted to enjoy a simple night out with my special Denisse. It was completely and utterly ruined by a drunk man screaming obscenities about Puerto Ricans. Being Puerto Rican, Denisse became so understandably enraged and mortified. It took every fiber of my being to exercise restraint. I heard the words and knew where they came from. I knew if I had made a scene, it would’ve been worse all around. It’s a good thing that guy didn’t come near our table because then all bets would be off.

What in the hell is wrong with people!? Puerto Rico is a territory of the US. Therefore, Puerto Ricans are citizens of the US. I can’t believe in this century there are people whom still do not know this. I’m glad I’m more emotionally intelligent than I was in my more intemperate years. Had I been 10 years younger, I would’ve said, “F*ck it! YOLO! I may be going to the hospital after this but I’ll go with my head held high.”

I so badly wanted to rearrange the guy’s face. But to what end? Then Denisse will have to visit me in prison if she would even want to visit me at all. The wiser path was to let this go. Now if it were a case of assault, I’d have the guy pre-hogtied and ready for Wilmington’s finest to haul that guy away.

Now all I have to do is survive today. Every day is a struggle when you have mental health issues. The only easy day was yesterday. The aphorisms that come from the military are often really good and totally applicable to civilian life. Now to get cracking as I am already 30 minutes into my day.