I kept anticipating my alarm last night so I awoke a couple of times. I did wake up once to legitimately use the bathroom. But the other times I was just waiting to wake up to get ready to go to work. At least I’m only going to work for a short 4 hour shift and then I have 53 hours off. I might even take the armed security class but I just don’t know anymore. I don’t feel like advancing my security career anymore. I want to end it permanently. But how many times have I told myself this!? More than I have fingers and toes.

I’m on the bus headed to work and I hate this driver because he is some patsy for the transit company. He’s not running the heat in the bus and it is freezing cold. He’s just a jerk of a human being. I’m guessing he doesn’t want to run the heat so he gets better gas mileage and a better bonus for using less fuel. Be damned about the comfort of the passengers.

My mental health is poor. I’m angry and depressed all rolled up into one ball of human misery. I cannot even see the good I have in my life right now. I cannot even see what potential opportunities exist because I’m in survival mode. Survival mode is very unpleasant and unhealthy. But I don’t know what to do at the moment. I am a loser and I am paying for the poor decisions that I have made in my past.

The next move for me is probably going to be renting a car from Avis to use on the Uber platform. The cost of the rental is $260 a week for a Chevy Bolt EUV. I don’t quite know what I will be able to make from the whole affair but I sure will try. I think I need to average $24-$26 dollars per hour to make it worthwhile. Of course any more is gravy but any less will hurt because of taxes.

I miss my mom. She is not doing well due to advanced Alzheimer’s Disease. I miss being able to run ideas by her. I miss her badly. She was my very precious rock, my gemstone and now she only recognizes me. That’s it. She recognizes me for a short while before asking me who I am.

This morning I just feel empty and blank. I feel nothing at all and I guess that is okay because it is preferable to feeling depressed. However, it is still somewhat disconcerting. Maybe I will feel better after taking a shower which I kind of have to do before work as my face is a bit stubbly. I have to make it through my 3-11 today and my 7a-11a tomorrow. Then I have a little bit more than 2 days to recuperate before working another marathon 9 days in a row. I think my shifts have been scheduled so that they straddle a pay period so no overtime for me.

There seems to be no advancement opportunities and no love. Maybe I am just resigned at this point to whatever happens. It could just very well be that I am resigned to my fate. I want to do better but life just keeps knocking me back down hard. I don’t feel much joy anymore. Not even my computer lab gives me much joy. After all, it is plugging away, working, and there’s not much more for me to really do at this point.

I regret moving from Arizona back to the east coast. Some of the best times of my life were spent in Arizona. I had a 1978 Lincoln Mark V, a 2009 Kawasaki Concours, and nice Jetta daily driver. I had a nice place to live with an absurdly low monthly payment. I enjoyed life. Since moving back east, virtually nothing has gone right. Save for meeting (and getting engaged to) Denisse, I’ve lost years of my life that I will never get back.

Now I work a menial, dead-end job with no hope of ever rising out of it. I am out of second chances. I have to face this reality. Even my DVR counselor has given up on me. I don’t know what to say or do at this point.

I got all excited for nothing whatsoever. I was excited about the Securitas opportunity and it did not pan out. I got the rejection email about an hour from the time I wrote this, 10:00PM Eastern. I am almost certain I bungled the interview when I think of it. The interviewer asked me why I was seeking out a new position and I said, “I am looking for greener pastures with growth and development opportunity.” When I think of it, my answer implied the deep-seated discontent that I feel with OPS. I guess, in the eyes of Securitas, this makes me more of a liability than an asset. I would take this as a hard and sad lessen learned.

It was a rough day all around. This morning I got a call from Lodge Lane, the memory care facility where my mom is staying. She hit her head and was brought to the emergency room for evaluation. At least there were no signs of brain injury on the CT scan or MRI so they sent her back to the facility. I am reminded again of just how awful Alzheimer’s Disease is. It’s truly a sad situation. I don’t know how much more bad news I can take. Fortunately, I am not a violent person. The only time I’ve been known to become violent is when my safety has been directly threatened, i.e. it is defensive.

Sometimes I feel like trudging on is useless but I do not feel suicidal. I just feel like I am bordering on shutting down completely. Almost like going catatonic. Knowing my luck, if I attempted suicide, I would bungle it and end up like a vegetable. So I have no choice but to soldier on. There’s just no other option. I just hope that shitbird RFK Jr. does not take away my access to antidepressants. The antidepressants prevent things from being worse and he’s operating on a dangerously flawed premise. He is the prime example of how important it is to only let someone that is a trained psychiatrist make critical mental health decisions. For that matter, only a trained and board-certified doctor should be making healthcare decisions.

If we want to vilify anyone, let’s look at how Big Pharma behaves. They charge egregious amounts of money for medicines that have been available in generic for a long time. Medications on the forefront of health are out of reach to everyone but the wealthy. Furthermore, Big Pharma needs to be incentivized to seek out cures for diseases because cures are not long term profit models. It has become ridiculous. We take medications to counter the effects of other medications while Big Pharma reaps in the profits. But nobody will address the white elephant in the room.

Until such a time as cures can happen, medicines fill a need and they must be affordable. This was a long digression. I’m tired and life feels pretty darned hopeless now. I’m falling further and further behind. I am in a hole I will be unable to extricate myself from soon. I don’t even want to address it. I just want to bury it in substances.