Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • Feeling Like Trash

    I am feeling like absolute trash. I am exhausted both mentally and physically. Too much has happened today. This is supposed to be one of my days off but it was mentally taxing. I went through the gamut of emotions today from extreme anxiety to fear of uncertainty and seemingly everything in between. I doubt I’ll be up for much longer as I really just want to go to sleep for the night but I can’t because I will just be awake early only to potentially have a repeat of today, tomorrow. Adulting sure is not easy and I wish I desperately that it could be. What I need is a Delta-9 gummy. Absent of that, I am just going to turn on some new age music and relax.

    This upcoming work week is going to be long and tiring. I just have to make it to Wednesday for my appointment at the Department of Labor. I want to get the ball rolling on my computer teaching business and this is the first step and an important one. It’s going to be that step towards self-employment and more independence. Being autistic in the workplace has become overwhelmingly difficult, even for security jobs. I guess the days of having a simple job are just about over. I would be willing to do landscaping, but even that I guess is not going to be a good fit for someone like me.

    I wish I was not experiencing all of these emotions right now. I wish I was feeling good and relaxed but I am not. I am ready to cry because of the stress.

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  • Mixed Emotions

    This morning I am feeling a lot of mixed emotions and I am having racing thoughts. I am trying to calm them down so I put my headphones on and I am going to listen to some new age music written by Kitaro, a Japanese musician. I found listening to Kitaro after work helped me to calm down significantly. I feel excitement, fear, and maybe a little anger all at once. I am naturally excited to meet my mentor to help get a small business started. I thought I was feeling optimism but I think I am just more excited about trying something new.

    At the same time that I feel excited, I also feel fear because of uncertainty and fear of failure. I still have failure in mind as a negative. In the context of business, failure is not negative but a learning experience. All entrepreneurs meet with some failure and success is never a linear progression; always ups, downs, and setbacks. I think the first step is to come up with some sort of business plan and get the ideas swirling in my head onto paper. I’d like to convert these ideas to opportunities.

    I also feel a lot of anger and it is quite possibly self-directed. I am angry at myself for being so intractable when I tried to start businesses before in the past. I always just tried to do something in IT but it was a folly. The managed service provider space is really crowded. It’s a shame that it took a mental health inpatient experience to have an epiphany about what it really is that I want to do: teach and mold the next generation of IT pros.

    While I was inpatient, the idea came to me in a flash and it seemed exciting but I was dominated by fear of getting started. I was afraid of failing yet again. Now here we are 8 months later and I am taking an actionable first step. I have to create a to-do list. I think if I did this, it might stop some of the swirling thoughts.

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  • Dealing With Uncertainty

    Daily writing prompt
    How do you deal with uncertainty?
    View all responses

    This is a good writing prompt because it is causing me to think quite deeply about how I deal with uncertainty; which is to say not well. Yes, I struggle with uncertainty and it is hindering. Uncertainty frightens me and it has prevented me from starting and succeeding at business. I am also grateful for this writing prompt so that I can get my feelings documented for my next therapy session. I am trying to accept that uncertainty is a part of life.

    I am currently reading a book about starting a business and the author wisely talks about some of the mental health aspects of this journey. One of the topics he brings up is mindfulness. It is his opinion that successful entrepreneurs are mindful people which is to say that they live in the present and work in the present. Furthermore, he believes that they don’t look at their past failures and concentrate entirely on what their present business opportunity is. They do not look too far into the future either.

    So I know now that the best way to deal with uncertainty is not too ignore it but to live in the present and be mindful. I struggle with being mindful and with being my own harshest critic. I also struggle with “shiny object syndrome.” Part of said struggle is that I am not living in the present. I do believe it will be possible to get this business started and off of the ground. I see how mindfulness can really help .

    I am slowly re-programming my brain to simply accept that there are not many certainties in life. When I feel myself starting to get anxious or afraid, I am telling myself to accept what I cannot change and to let these feelings flow through me. By flowing through me, I mean simply just going by only fleetingly acknowledged. Since I have a passion to be my own entrepreneur and start my own IT training school, I will be more mindful .

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  • My Adult Moment

    What’s a moment when you realized you were officially an adult?

    I realized that I became an adult when I was handed my high school diploma and went to college. I was no longer beholden to a power structure. I felt some immense freedom but it took some time to get used to. At first I found myself asking other adults for permission. Getting out of that power structure wasn’t easy.

    To be honest though, I never made the transition to adulthood smoothly. I’ve been told nobody really does but I’ve struggled more than the average because I’m on the autistic spectrum. I’ve always been a late bloomer. But once you’re an adult the world becomes less patient with you. We may become adults but we don’t stop learning, hence we will continuously meet new situations and challenges. It’s is unreasonable to expect that, simply because someone had reached some arbitrary age, that they have everything figured out. That’s my 0.02 anyways.

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  • Shiny Object Syndrome

    I just read about this thing called shiny object syndrome in my business book. I begrudgingly admit that I have this. The phrase originated from how magpies tend to collect objects with sheen in their nests. When applied to business or real life, it means latching on to new ideas constantly because they seem like good ones. It’s a lack of clear focus and moving in 360 different directions at once. I realized this might be one of my shortcomings. Oh well, I’m grateful for the insight.

    I know that I want to teach technology to high schoolers and adults. I love technology when I can experiment with it. The segue into technology experimentation for a living is teaching where breaking and fixing systems is part of learning. This would be one way of turning my interest into a money earning one without it becoming something I hate. Plus no after hours emergencies or anything like that. Don’t get me wrong though as this kind of business has its challenges; albeit different but they are nonetheless there.

    I’ve had my idea validated that it seems to have something going for it and I can turn it into an opportunity. It is my belief that IT education has fallen short because it’s been designed to be a form of vendor indoctrination. Let’s go back to teaching people to become good IT generalists and not lock them into one way of doing things when there are many different ways of reaching a solution. We also need to teach the budding professional that Cisco products, for example, don’t belong at every business. This is why it’s so important to have good generalists.

    Good generalists understand the “reference” implementation of technology. This is the one which the standard is built around. Each vendor modifies this slightly to suit it’s marketing terminology but it’s more or less the same thing.

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  • Excitement

    Since I have been reading this book called Starting A Business: A Quickstart Guide, I have been feeling some excitement. I am also looking at life a little bit differently. Since the material is somewhat weighty for someone new to business, it has been slow going. But I learned the difference between an idea and an opportunity. An idea is just that; a notion or thought but has no value. An opportunity is actionable and has value. I’m learning to look for opportunities.

    I’m even practicing active listening and engaging with people. I’m trying to see what works and what doesn’t. I’m trying to gauge how I am being received. This isn’t always easy because people will, more often than not, not reveal their true feelings. This is a challenge for an autistic person. The best piece of advice I ever received was to be an active listener. Given my disability, this did not soak in until later in life but it’s only too late when you’re below ground.

    So during the slow parts today at work, I will be reading more of my book. Hopefully I will continue to learn. Sometimes I feel like a deer in the headlights and I do not even know what I don’t know. This simply means I need to read more so that questions get formulated in my brain.

    Nevertheless, I am excited to embark seriously on this journey with a mentor and guidance. I’m not looking to build an 8 figure IT educational empire. I’m just looking to have a reasonable income and be able to give others the same.

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  • This Is Embarrassing

    Daily writing prompt
    What’s a conspiracy theory you actually find believable?
    View all responses

    I actually believe that the COVID-19 virus might have come from a lab in Wuhan, China. This is my belief only and I have no “evidence” to back it up. This is merely my opinion and should not be taken as disinformation. Does that make me crazy? Well, perhaps a little bit but here me out as the US has a complex relationship with China. On one hand, we trade and import goods from China. On the other hand, China is nominally at some state of warfare readiness. I am all but certain that COVID-19 was engineered as a biological weapon. If it turns out this was the case, the weapon was very effective,

    We already know that China has a complex cyber warfare program going on as I write this. I need only look at my server logs to reveal the sheer number of Chinese IP addresses trying to attack my router. It got to the point where these attacks became so insidious, I had to do a geoblock of all Chinese IP addresses. Of course the Chinese government will not officially comment on this, but since these activities are ongoing, I can readily believe that a mistake in a Wuhan biological weapons laboratory was made that caused the release of COVID-19 upon the world.

    I am also vaguely curious about how quickly the Chinese Government built a hospital to deal with COVID-19. You know it was done in practically 7 days. I am furthermore believing that there had been a plan in place to build such a facility rapidly if needed. And it certainly was needed. So where does that leave us? Let’s stop warfare and encourage peace.

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  • Homebody

    As I get older, I appreciate the comforts of home more and more. My desire for wild adventure is calmed down. I really like relaxing, watching TV, and doing fun computer stuff. I don’t really like going out and about much anymore. I think it is because I don’t own a car so going places is an exercise in challenges.

    I find I need the time to recharge and relax. It’s tiring and challenging having to work at passing for neurotypical. When I am home, I am free to be me. I like that sense of freedom. I don’t know that I am introverted but I’m definitely exhausted by too much stimulation. I had a lot of it the past two days.

    Alas I do not expect that things will get easier. It looks like they might get harder. But at least autumn is around the corner. We’re getting into my favorite time of year. I love from Halloween to Thanksgiving. I don’t like the Christmas and New Year’s season. It’s wrought with too much sadness and disappointment.

    At least times have been better because I have a wonderful woman in my life. I need to start thinking about saving for our wedding. We need to make some plans.

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  • Feeling Defeated

    I feel thoroughly exhausted and defeated. I am not sure how I am going to make it through to the end of this year. Part of me wishes that I would get hit by a car or lightning to strike me so Denisse could get a payout from Social Security. I am frustrated because I am having difficulty providing for her and I’m failing in every possible way. I did not get much in the way of rest on my days off. I went to see my mom at Summit Place on Wednesday. Then yesterday I took a bus trip to Baltimore to look at a car and that trip was a bust. I mean an utter bust.

    I feel like everything in life is a 10 yard fight and it does not have to be that way. Now I am back at work and all I want to do is call out. I don’t even mind the job that much but I am tired and my head is not in the game. I am just not in a good head space. As much as I hate the expression, “Snap out of it!” I am feeling like this is something I have to do to get buy.

    I already know today is going to be a day where my autism symptoms will be worse. My anxiety is already elevated because my new job screwed up my pay so badly. I am missing 3 pay checks! I filled out the direct deposit form at new employee orientation and they messed up. That gave me a shit load of extra stress this morning. I just don’t want to snap. I do need to function.

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  • Owings Mills Adventure

    I am off to the races and ready to go to Owings Mills, MD to check out a Chevy Bolt EUV LT. This car is fully electric and low miles. I’d be lying if I said I was not nervous. I don’t particularly like buses, and as I get older, I’ve become more of a homebody. I like adventure less and less. Home is where I relax and recharge. It is my favorite place to be most of the time. But that much said, it’s come down to needing a car at this point because I cannot deal with DART anymore. DART, the public transportation system in Delaware (my home), is terrible.

    In fact, DART is so unbelievably bad that it makes SEPTA of Philadelphia, PA shine. So I will go fully electric and worry a whole lot less about engine/mechanical issues. Of course the range will suffer but I am a homebody. A ~240 mile range on a charge is perfectly okay with me. I’ll be okay going to the places that I need to go and that’s all I really need.

    My colleagues at work are making fun of me in a gentle way about wanting an electric vehicle. It’s just that gasoline is terribly expensive and electricity is much less. So with that in mind, I think EVs are the way to go and I think I may check out a few other options while I am there because my return bus won’t be until late afternoon. I might check out a gasoline or hybrid car simply because I will be at the dealership.

    In other news, my mother had a serious fall again that required a trip to the ER and possible hospitalization. My mom really needs to be in a wheelchair at this point and I don’t know what the memory care facility nurse has (or has not) done. Elder care in America is very bad – in fact, healthcare in general in America is very bad. It’s embarrassing because Europe and South America have much better care and we want to set the standards!? Yeah, um no. Healthcare and profit have no business together.