Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • Some Life Updates

    Yesterday I connected with my Vocational Rehabilitation counselor, Becca. I had originally intended to go to the Department of Labor (DVR in Delaware falls under DoL) only to pick up bus passes for my fiancee. However, I bumped into Becca, and asked her if we could meet. I was glad that to learn that she had some appointments cancel and we could meet. I know that I have to rethink my direction in life; even menial jobs working for somebody else are becoming impossibly difficult for me to perform. I asked her about small business opportunities and assistance for people with Autism. I was surprised to learn that DVR does have a program for such a path. Even more so, I felt happy like I might have help with an escape from the pit of despair that I am in.

    It turns out that my new job is materially worse than my previous one. The only better part about it is the $22 per hour pay rate but the rest of it is an exercise in impossibility for me. I do not multitask very well at all and those demands are being placed on me. Since it’s just too much and I’ve come to realize that the work place has just fundamentally changed. More and more is being expected of fewer and fewer people. I am just not that competitive anymore. So it’s time to take the small business route and look into those resources.

    I am strongly thinking about opening my own IT Training Academy that will teach high school kids and post high school adults. I am thinking that we will do everything from teaching basic computer use up through career preparation with a smattering of my own curriculum mixed in. Since I already have my LLC formed, I’ll just operate it under the Avvira Global name or possibly another. That’s just for a bit further down the pike. I think I would like to teach simply because there is a bit less pressure and we can explore all kinds of rabbit holes. My plan of course would be to eventually not do the teaching role and hire folks to do it for me. I don’t know how feasible this is but that will be for a program to tell me and not for me to decide.

    I could also revisit the drop shipping business I have in mind to run called SwagHarbour. The idea is that I would do logo merchandise and corporate brand identity-related things. I have some thoughts here like custom designed merchandise but there are a lot of other folks doing this and how do I build a brand here. I’d just be another e-commerce shop in a sea floating with them. I couldn’t compete on price but maybe customer experience? I don’t know really.

    I don’t think I would enjoy this as much because I really want to eat, sleep, and breathe technology. As stupid as the previous phrase sounds, I am happiest when doing what I love. I love to experiment, tinker, and teach others how to do so. Computers can be fun when you can experiment with them. I actually envision a comprehensive teaching for high school students that does a lot more than simply career prep. It will give a strong theoretical background and delve into a lot of the topics often glossed over in many other career prep curricula.

    Maybe if I can keep this in the forefront of my mind, I will feel better because I won’t feel stuck and full of worry. I know there is still stress in being an entrepreneur but it’s a different kind. I am done trying to interpret expectations and unwritten rules of the workplace. Most workplaces are so unfriendly to people with disabilities like myself. Also, I want to build a business that elevates my community and another e-commerce business does not. I know I will eventually need a brick and mortar location to pull this business off.

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  • Past My Prime

    I now know I am truly past my prime to the point where I am no longer able to do the more advanced parts of physical security anymore. The site I am at is simply too complex for me. There is too much multitasking. I cannot do it anymore. It’s a shame really. Everything seems to get harder as I grow older.

    I proactively reached out to my employer asking for a simpler site. I hope something becomes of the request. I don’t even mind a pay cut. It’s better than potentially getting fired. I could try to reach out to my DVR counselor and see if she can help. I am guessing that she probably will be able to help. Once Allied here’s that this is a disability issue, they’ll be quick to respond.

    I don’t want to declare having a disability because I will always be discriminated against. But what choice do I have? Denisse and I will starve and be homeless if I cannot work. I know I am teetering on a panic attack. I’m just trying to keep it together.

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  • Been A Few Days

    I know I told myself that I would try and write a blog entry every day this year. Well, I haven’t felt much like doing it for the past few days so I will write something today. I started my new job at Allied Universal Security. My first official day out of training did not go well. I had what I thought was a heart attack on Friday, July 31st and was taken to Christiana Hospital. Thankfully, I did not have any evidence of a heart attack but I do have stomach ulcers and was given medication to help them heal. For now, I will have to avoid highly acidic foods and beverages. As well, I will have to avoid spicy foods for a bit. I hope things heal quickly.

    Christiana Hospital is an absolute cluster fuckup of a medical center. They had me in the system as leaving against medical advice from the emergency department. I had misplaced my hospital discharge sheet and I scrambled to get it but Christiana Hospital had no record of an “official discharge.” So, I had to quick go to my primary care this morning, August 3rd. So I missed 2 days of work and I am angry as hell about that. I lucked out that my primary care provider had 2 early cancellations so I swooped in, a nurse practitioner did a quick exam, pronounced me fit to return to work, and so I will. That was very lucky because I was bracing for telling my new boss that I was yet again unable to obtain a doctor’s note.

    I am honestly scared that I am going to lose this job and I don’t know where the fear is coming from because this is not rocket science. I think maybe it is just being in a new role and knowing that I need to earn my place on the team. Plus, it gets harder to change jobs as I get older. I think I just want to stay at Allied Universal until I can retire. I am done changing jobs and looking for more and better. I simply want a place to stay. I am done chasing information technology as a career. If I do anything in IT, it will be as a teaching biz. And that’s a big if.

    In other news, I now have a working landline through a company called Telnyx. It’s relative affordable too. For the little we are going to use it, it’s only going to cost about $5-$10 per month. If the cell network goes down, I want Denisse and I to have a landline backup. I mean sure it is Voice over IP and if there is a massive cell disruption, it could impact internet routing. But having a backup is generally a good idea and a good safety measure.

    Today I am feeling a little better, if maybe I was a little short tempered. But this came from the stress I was under to get the documents needed for me to return to work. Money doesn’t grow on trees and I have to work. Just in case things go south at Allied, I’ve applied to Securitas so I have another plan. The plan isn’t good but better than nothing at all. I hope that it does not come to this. There are lots of great opportunities at Allied. If I am going to have to be stuck in a career that is, at best, okay, I am going to at least stick with Allied. It’s a place I know mostly well. All I really have to do is come in, do my job, and leave. I want my future to be far more simple.

  • Hate and Militia Group Uptick

    I read a rather disturbing story on Mother Jones called The Rapid Rise of Right-Wing Militias. I am not shocked so much as disturbed because history is again repeating itself; at least in the United States. There is a strong correlation between the waxing and waning of hate and militia groups. These groups grow in hard economic times and often fade into the background during times when people are better off. Often these groups engage in both hate and militant activities, not to mention they might mix in Christian Nationalism doctrine into their belief system.

    Arguably, the KKK, the first domestic terrorist organization, came about as a result of the extreme poverty and economic hardship that befell the antebellum southern states. It was a direct reaction out of anger. I believe basic human nature is to sometimes seek a scapegoat for one’s problems. Therefore it is easier to blame others for one’s own situation rather than look inwardly and see what needs to be done to improve things. While it is quite possible that a few of these groups will disband in better times, there are a few that continue on and even grow stronger with age.

    I am left asking the fundamental question about what these groups really offer and they offer camaraderie, mission, and a sense of purpose where members felt like there was none to be had. They blame people different than them for their lot in life. Hate only ends up bringing the person with the hatred further down. The psychology behind these kind of revolutionary groups is, in no small part, fascinating and perhaps a bit on the frightening side. The militia groups are a bunch of rag tag amateurs wielding military grade weapons without the training that military personnel get. It’s tantamount to shoot first, ask questions later.

    As always, education, sympathy, and empathy are the best ways to fight these groups. Hate is won over by kindness every single time. Showing kindness is the quickest way to melt away hate. I am reminded of this very awesome video that shows even the indoctrinated can recover. The video was taken at a pride event which featured a man in a wheel chair offering hugs and apologies for his behavior. I was so struck by the genuineness of it, that of course I could instantly accept him. Kindness wins the day.

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  • Defining Myself

    Throughout my life I have always defined myself by what I did for a living. I think I mostly did this because that’s what society does. We judge people based on what they do to earn money. I am struggling to unlearn defining myself by what I do for a living. It does not matter that I work as a security guard and not in information technology. All that matters is that I show up on time do my job reasonably well and get compensated for it. I will define myself by my passions, my interests, and my personality not by what I do for a living.

    I guess my self-esteem is always been that low that I’ve always had to define myself based on what I do and when I have not been working in information technology I felt like a failure. I have to get over this feeling because the likelihood of me getting back into a technology based career is not real high at 50 years old. But simply because I don’t work in information technology does not mean that I cannot continue to enjoy it. Arguably I like it more now that I don’t have to do it for a living. I don’t really know because it just seems like I’m not happy no matter what I do. I hate my professional life when it is in information technology. I hate my professional life when I’m not working professionally.

    So if I am working on defining myself I am a motorcyclist, a traveler, and experimenter. I am someone with deep-seated passions. I just wish I did not have significant mental and developmental challenges. I wish I were more normal functioning. Autism is kind of a mixed blessing. On one hand I am grateful for the additional intelligence that I have but it seems like that was traded for struggling with what should be common sense for most people.

  • Having An Autistic Day

    Right now everything is overwhelming me from a sensory perspective. I wish I had some silence or at least something to drown out the noise of the world. I am being “barebacked” by 2 people. Barebacking is playing your cell phone out loud without using headphones or earphones. All this is just too much and it is making me angry.

    I really have to try not to explode here. Babies crying, cell phones playing, bad elevator music. All just too damn much. I need to save for a good quality pair of over-the-ear noise cancelling headphones. Something from JBL or to that effect. I need to tone down the over-stimulation somehow. Everything feels like nails to a chalkboard.

    Every little thing definitely did bother me today. I just want to go ballistic with anger. But if I do that I’m going to end up in the nearest jail and/or prison. I desperately need an outlet for my talents. I would like to be able to do something better than simply be a security guard. But on the other hand I know that being a security guard is a nice simple job. My job ends when I clock out and that is not always the case with information technology.

    I wonder what teaching is going to do. I wonder if I will enjoy teaching information technology to recent high School grads or even high school juniors and seniors. Will they have the passion that I have? I guess only time will tell. But teaching is the only career that I could really do that would afford me experimentation with information technology and to still earn a living at it. Most IT jobs don’t want you to experiment because they need the infrastructure reliable and predictable. But when it is treated as an academic problem, the room for innovation vastly grows and the room for experimentation also grows alongside. If I could find some people that are also interested in computers and experimenting with them, I might have something.

  • I Hate My Life

    Yes as the title reads, I am really sick and tired of my life. There’s nothing easy about it and everything is a 10-yard fight. I’ve had enough. At least, I don’t have to work for ops security any longer. I had a surprise inspection and the person doing the inspection took my uniform shirts and I am so grateful for that because I don’t want to deal with them. I really don’t know how I am going to make my life better other than to try and have my own business. But that is easier said than done as everybody knows.

    At least I will have the next 3 days off. I really need them as I am just super exhausted. It is really difficult to keep switching shifts around and it’s exhausting when my bio rhythms keep getting thrown off. It means that I am not sleeping well and I am probably not eating very well either. I had the unfortunate misery of discovering that I have to work an extra hour today. My manager basically said oops I forgot to tell you. What the actual fresh hell?! How do you forget to tell someone that they will be working an extra hour? I just don’t know the answer to that but it confirms that I’ve made the right choice to move on to a new company.

    I just hope that my experience at Allied universal will be okay. I know that it’s not going to be great but I hope it will not be terrible either I just want my new security guard job simply be manageable I hope that this is not asking too much. I wonder when I should start really putting in the effort in earnest towards starting a business. One school of thinking has that if you don’t start now and you don’t get into it you never will. Another school suggests that you should only really do it when you are ready financially emotionally mentally etc

  • Call Out Tomorrow

    Tomorrow is my last official day and I just want to call out and have 4 full days off before starting my new job but I don’t think that would be advisable. I’ll just go in to work tomorrow as expected. I don’t want to go out of my way to make an enemy out of OPS even though they have left me feeling alienated and exhausted. I don’t plan on ever going back but the prevailing wisdom is to not go out of your way to burn bridges. I certainly am not going to do this but I would really like to as I’ve physically had enough and I am exhausted. It might be better to start the new job completely rested. I might just say f*ck it and walk away.

    I wish I could say my experience was good at OPS but it was a 10 yard fight and the company really did not even have much of a veneer of respectability. Bigger and better things await. I just probably won’t see much time off in the future. As this position is new, I might be working some extra days or even hours so I am thinking I might want to have 4 full days off just to recuperate from the constantly changing shifts where I am at now. Yeah, I am calling off. I am physically and mentally done. The 1.5 years of employment at OPS have been anything but a picnic.

    I have to summon up the energy to try and do some content creation as well. I’d like to see if I cannot get a second career as an IT teacher off the ground. To do this, I need curriculum and content. I think I might spend the rest of the last shift of my OPS career doing so curriculum design!

  • Feeling Meh

    Today I feel neither good nor bad. I just feel neutral and I guess that is okay. Yesterday I learned something about performance tuning for VPNs. I managed to drastically improve the performance of the VPN tunnel between my virtual private server in North Carolina and my home lab. I would’ve thought that after glow would carry but it did not. That’s okay. I brought packet latency down from 35ms to < 20ms simply by doing some work.

    Maybe I’m feeling meh because of having to go to work. I’m working the remainder of my notice period as much as I do not want to. I need the cash so it is what it is. On Thursday of next week my new job at Allied begins and I’m looking forward to it. I’ll have more money and (hopefully) less worry.

    Now that my home lab is pretty much complete until I can afford another machine to become a second server, the journey is on hold. Part of me would like to get back into ham radio. My license is still valid. I just haven’t had time or money and the home lab held more interest at the time

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  • Outdated Tech

    Oddly, I miss the pre-IoT days where people weren’t connecting their air fryers and toasters to the Internet. I miss the days of the dumb TVs. These new smart TVs limit consumers to one technology. I’d rather have a dumb TV and plug in an HDMI device of my choice to it. I also miss the good old fashioned carbureted engines. Yes, they’re bad for the environment because they do not have the fancy pollution controls that modern fuel injection has but they were so incredibly easy to work on.

    When I lived in Arizona, I bought a vintage Ford conversion van and I had so much fun with it. You can learn to diagnose engine problems by the sounds they make when the engine starts. No computers, just pure tinkering and fun. Also learning. It was a simple, logical algorithm. If such and such is happening, then do this …. A friend of mine showed me how to rebuild the engine when the head gasket went. I figured I might as well overhaul it.

    How about instead of gasoline, we use hydrogen?! It burns very cleanly!

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