I am definitely feeling more fear, uncertainty, and doubt this morning and it is feeding the anxiety cycle. I don’t know why I feel so awful this morning. The past couple of days I awoke feeling at least at baseline. But today, I feel like I am “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I know it’s not good for the mental health to ruminate on this subject matter but I am writing my thoughts and feelings down to stop them from swirling. In many ways, I want to completely give up, yet I know that giving up has never really been in my wheelhouse. As a former psychiatrist once noted about me, I have an innate stubbornness.

It just dawned on me that I am still very much a creature of habit, maybe even somewhat Pavlovian. I am still finding myself wanting to reach out to food for comfort despite that no longer working. Food just makes me feel full and no longer gives me satiation. Don’t get me wrong as this is a good thing but it is a habit that is hard to nix. I used food for damn near all of my life as a coping strategy.

Okay, I digress …. I went off on a tangent because I used to use food to handle the fear, uncertainty, and doubt. Another insight came as a result: As much as I tell myself that I do not live in fear, I am merely only denying it. I guess I live in more fear than I really want to admit because I look down on people that live in fear. Ironic, isn’t it!? Having some fear is healthy and hopefully deters us from making poor decisions. But a life lived in a disproportionately fearful existence, is very unhealthy.

I need balance in my life and I miss the restorative power of simple Zen meditation. When I regularly practiced the pure unguided meditation, I felt much better mentally. Since I felt much better mentally while I was regularly practicing, I found myself not using maladaptive practices like reaching for food as a coping mechanism. It took time, patience, and effort to see benefits, but the results were nevertheless tangible.

I find myself asking the same question day in and day out: How am I going to survive today? I would love to see life beyond simply surviving but that’s where my present state of mind is. Maybe my one goal today will be to seek out a mediation center in Delaware and restart this activity. If I can lower the anxiety to reasonable levels, I know I will see benefit. Fear, uncertainty, and doubt are a part of life and meditation helped to keep it in check.

I hate it when I have a nightmare that resumes after interrupted sleep. The nightmare I had clearly reflects the stress and anxiety I am feeling and experiencing. I hope this does not set the tone for the day. I think the dream I had is symbolic of hell because lava was leaching to the surface of the earth. It was terrifying. I remember seeing people burning to death right in front of me. I should have just woken up and used the early morning hours productively.

This afternoon at 1:00, I have a webinar from SCORE. This is one that will help me develop and write my business plan. I may go to the library for that one and be productive. I need to kind of get out and start writing this business plan while doing some research. I think I will feel better if I am productive.

Next time I have this recurring nightmare scenario, I will just wake up and stay up for a bit. Perhaps letting the intensity fade from letting time pass will prevent sleep like this. It will be something that I have to try. For today, I know having accomplished a few things will make me feel better.

The title sums up exactly how I am feeling right now. I didn’t feel this bad this morning. I’m overwhelmed by life right now. I’m fighting this feeling of sadness, anxiety, and hopelessness. I think the recent news about the bombing of Iran, the forced prayer of the troops, and the increasing difficulty of simply existing are coming to a head. I don’t know what a correct perspective is anymore. I feel the impending sense of doom strongly.

It’s almost like why should I even try anymore? What’s the use if we are all just heading towards Armageddon and evangelicals support Trump’s push towards destruction? Gas prices have now made it a bad idea to drive for Uber because you can guarantee Uber’s payouts aren’t increasing. I don’t understand the insatiable greed and selfishness. Trump is bringing out the very worst in people by emboldening and enabling the bad behavior. I see it at all levels of society.

I just don’t see things improving at all short of a revolution; complete revolution from the bottom up. The problem is we are so divided into so many different factions that civil war would be immensely destructive and costly. I wish for revolution badly because we need it.

I’m even feeling like a failure and only a dreamer. Unironically, I had a psychopath for a 5th grade teacher that basically levied that accusation against me. Dreaming is what kept me alive throughout the many miserable years I’ve had. Now I see that there may be folly in dreaming.

Maybe the teachers I had in grade school were not wrong when they said I would ultimately be a failure. Maybe their predictions were not so far off. Not all of this is me mind you. Society has special hatred and intolerance for people with disabilities. Now even the quiet part is being said out loud. When does the government come to imprison me based on eugenics?

I thought I’d be utterly done after work on Sunday night. Instead, was in a go mode. It’s almost like I feel so energized. Working on building a business and a brand is a creative kind of fun. I literally feel so empowered. The more time I spend learning about business opportunities, the more my thinking expands beyond my typical boundaries. I never thought, for the life of me, that I would be considering starting my own clothing line.

I am kind of impressed by this line of thinking that is clearly outside of the box for me. I think it means that I am growing personally and that makes me happy. I have some really fantastic ideas for a clothing line. Where I fall short is that I am not a graphic artist by trade. The cool thing though is that I have great mental imagery and capacity to use technology and tools. So I am going to take advantage of this. I have the ability to take my ideas and put them into precise written language.

I never even thought about e-commerce before. Now, I am considering e-commerce and drop shipping. The newest technology tools are really opening up avenues that never would have been previously available to me. It’s exciting and a bit nerve-wracking at the same time. Well, there’s no time like the present to wade in the waters. Again I am excited and nervous at the same time.

I’m still amazed at how my synapses fired on last Sunday night. I went from thinking about designing corporate swag and logos to, “Holy shit! I think I am about to design my own line/brand of fashion and clothing.” I haven’t had this excitement in some kind of time. I realize these businesses fail more often than they succeed but I have technology on my side. At the very least I can try it with not too much in the way of risk because I can do so much on my own.

I just need a way of building the brand and it’s going to be somewhat slow and steady winning the race. I don’t expect to make millions here. The only expectation I have of myself is to simply try and to be able to tell myself that I will honestly do my very best.

Life seems to be throwing more obstacles at me. This time it’s that I cannot seem to be able to save enough to be able to afford the car rental payment to start Uber. I swear that the deck is stacked against me. And no, I am not paranoid. I’m poor, and as such, it’s difficult to climb out of said state. Being impoverished feels like being in a hole where all of the sides are greased so attempts to climb out fail.

I feel exhausted; quite literally spent beyond imagination. I’m also quite worried because I’ve developed a persistent tremor in my hands. My mom developed the same thing at roughly the same age I am now and she has Alzheimer’s. I’m potentially at risk but it’s not like I can afford vanguard treatment options anyways. I’m going to suffer the fate of the impoverished person.

There is an upside today because I managed to get some things accomplished. I have the basics of a WordPress theme for my business. I have to see if there are any YouTube videos out there about how people handle images and graphics. I don’t know this is presently done. But every day that I can still learn is actually a good one.

Unfortunately, my diabetic neuropathy hasn’t quite cleared up like I had hoped now that my A1C is 6.9%. I needed my cane today. That put me in somewhat of a grumpy mood. Maybe with warmer weather on the horizon I’ll do better.

I’d really like to know how why and how much of the referrers to my blog have come from Reddit. Maybe I mistakenly put my blog URL on it? I don’t know. Anyways, that’s all she wrote for today.