Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • Feeling Down

    I’m feeling down because I’m still, at heart, a people pleaser. This has lead to me being overwhelmed and taken advantage of by most work places. My current one is no exception. It’s sad because I work hard but get scraps in return. I believe that it’s time to move on from my present employer.

    I want to learn balance in the workplace and to only take on extra shifts when it is personally beneficial. I stopped doing that with my current employer. I’ve been “taking one for the team” and it’s lead to bitterness and a feeling of unappreciation. I’m just repeating a pattern in my life.

    So maybe I seek out better opportunities and happier circumstances. We shall see! But in order for conditions to become better for me, I have to drop the people pleasing attitude once the interview is over. The interview is a deliberate act. Once I’m hired and have a few weeks under my belt, I can be more selective.

    I still want to continue writing my book. I am just so exhausted that I can hardly think. This isn’t a good situation to be in but what can I realistically do when there are bills to pay and I have to support Denisse. I will add that I love Denisse dearly and I would do almost anything for her. I am proud of her for sticking out the phlebotomy class and doing pretty well at that! I know that once she graduates, she’ll pick something up and then life will be easier for the two of us. We just have to be stoic and keep moving forward.

    I once had a psychiatrist, Joel Goldstein, who made a wise observation that I am stubborn. I never saw myself as stubborn but he was not incorrect and that was something that I needed to process. I think that being a stubborn person has mostly kept me alive and moving forward. Right now I need to channel this stubbornness and stoicism. Doing this may reap some rewards.

  • One Sleepy Kitty

    I am very tired and going to need a couple of days off. Fortunately for me, I will have Thursday and Friday off. It’s not quite enough time but better than nothing at all. I guess I am taking what I can get. That much said, I am learning to do what benefits me the most and not necessarily what helps my employer. I am unlearning being a “people pleaser” and it’s hard when I was raised that way.

    I am working a split shift today for a total of 12 hours. It’s not going to be easy but it will be completely doable. During the time period that I have off – between 11am and 4pm – I will hang out at the library and hopefully accomplish something of note. I want to try and make some headway on my book with the working title, Grokking The Home Lab: Learning Through Building Real Systems. I had some material written but it wasn’t in the style recommended to me and hence it was scattered and I ended up scrapping it.

    When I go to the library this morning into the afternoon, my operative plan is to write this book in a series of letters to a, “Dear Davoy” style. Nan, my therapist, recommended this approach as a method to reduce writer’s block. She assumed that it would work for fiction and non-fiction alike and I don’t see how this won’t work. Right now I cannot concentrate much and that’s because I have not fully woken up yet. Once I do though, I want to be ready.

    I guess that doing this in a series of letters will make it so that it will be easy to write out of order and from a stream of consciousness. Oftentimes, this is the way I think best. I can always go back and organize the material at a later point. I can always do the edits at the same time. Since both DNS and IP addressing is very important and I’v been hard at it. So while both concepts are fresh in my mind it is time to put the writing efforts in.

  • A Bit Late To The Game

    I am a bit late to the blogging game today and it was mostly because I am just so damn tired. When this week is said and done, I will have had close to 60 working hours. To top it off, 28 hours will be paid at time and a half. 8 for working a holiday and the remaining 20 for straight over time. It will all help very much but it’s going to leave absolutely smoked. I am again reminded of how much I hate America. America is a country where we give assistance to millionaires and billionaires while the regular working class gets nothing except for hardship.

    I am ready to go home and hit the hay because I am so tired. Fortunately, this shift is flying by and I only have two hours left. Then I get to come in and work from 7a-11a tomorrow. That won’t be bad. What’s going to suck will be Tuesday and Wednesday where I will be working 12 hour days. I guess it’s going to be nice to have Thursday and Friday off before the fun begins next week.

  • Saturday Double Shift

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    I had difficulty sleeping last night so it was one of those very rare times that I could answer the security operations center when they reached out to me to see if I would do a double shift. Seeing as I couldn’t sleep, I answered that I would and the fact that the site I work at is great! I do need the money as well. This coming week’s paycheck is going to look very nice but I hope I do not burn out. I am not quite a spring chicken anymore.

    I still feel surprisingly good and I managed to write another 600 words on my book. My goal is to average 400-600 words per day of writing. If I can manage that, the book will quickly develop into something. I believe that this is entirely possible provided that I remain in decent health and do not get sick. I am trying to write from a stream of consciousness and not be too concerned with anything other than putting thoughts to paper. This is what my therapist, Nan, would recommend.

    The book I am working on is basically about building home computer labs and growing them in increasing complexities and features. The chapter I am working on is the planning stage. It’s a bit dry but necessary.

  • Feeling Oddly Good

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    Despite having a very long week ahead, I am feeling oddly good about it. I think that is largely due to earning a good amount of money. It is kind of a shame though that I will have to work so many hours in order to receive such a nice and helpful paycheck. The trouble is that security guards just are not seen as very important. The salary plight is very real. But I still feel okay about my earnings.

    I had a pretty successful day too. I stood up a self-hosted email server out of my home and got accounts created for myself and Denisse. It feels good getting crap out of the cloud. Corporations are really irresponsible with our data and the best way to recapture our freedom and control is to host our own data using free/open source software. Now I just have to get Denisse to start blogging. I really do it for pure enjoyment and not to monetize it. Hell, I don’t even think I really could monetize it if I wanted to.

    It felt so good to chat with my email hosting provider and tell them I was cancelling my email hosting plan. They wanted to know why and I told them that I would be doing it myself. They tried to use marketing psychology to tell me why this would be a bad idea. So far, I am only seeing upsides. The one downside, if you want to call it that, is I am responsible for the mail server’s reliability. Personally, I don’t care that much. The idea is depriving corporations of money. I found out one reason that my email hosting plan wasn’t terribly expensive is that my data was being sold. Yeah, um, hell no. I am not the product here. Don’t charge me for a product and than monetize me further.

    I am getting closer and closer to beginning to write this book on self-hosting and the home lab. If more and more people did this, Big Technology might lose some money for a change and we might gain substantial freedom. After all, Big Technology has pretty much lawyered up good so you can’t practically go after them for losing your data anyways. Thus you might as well retain 100% control over it and not allow them to make money off of you and your content. I already stopped using most corporate social media. I only actively use Reddit. I only occasionally use Facebook for its marketplace. I can really be found actively on Mastodon, and you guessed it, I host my own Mastodon instance as well.

    I host my own WordPress blog too. All this self hosting takes place on Dell OptiPlex 7060 8th Gen i7 with a 14TB HD and 64GB of RAM. I have fun and get a lot of satisfaction out of it.

  • Network Address Translation Learning

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    The last two days I did some serious learning about network address translation that I can apply to the book that I want to write on home labbing. For the uninitiated, the basics behind Network Address Translation is that it allows a whole bunch of computers to share a single public IP address. But that’s just the very basic part of it. Network Address Translation also has to allow external access to computers inside the network.

    Since I am now hosting my own email, I have to obviously have access to the mail server which is a small virtual machine on the inside of my network. Whodathunk that this would be so damn complicated!? I guess there could have been two other options that would have made things simpler, but my my current setup does not lend itself to them. I could have placed all of my servers in a DMZ with a different IP scheme or I could have done split horizon DNS. I would really like to have done split horizon DNS but I am limited by the router that I must use for my internet service.

    So the answer becomes the ugly kludge called “hairpinning” or NAT reflection. The first part of this setup involves the stage before a router makes a decision on routing. This is called “prerouting.” In this stage, I had to match anything destined for the public IP address and translate it to the internal address. Then I need a matching “postrouting” rule to translate from the internal address to the public one. That will take care of external users. But what happens for internal users? Well, this is where hairpinning takes place.

    So any connections that originate internally need to be translated like this: internal address to public address and then back to internal address again. This makes it possible for internal users to reach services based on the public address. It’s ugly but it works for now. I do want to move toward away from hairpinning and towards split DNS. That will take longer and more research however.

  • Some Deep Thinking

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    Last night and this morning I find myself doing some really deep thinking about some various, yet oddly interconnecting ways. Last night I was thinking about time and the white persons’ peculiar preoccupation with it. Yes, time is a unique preoccupation of people of Caucasian persuasion and I know it because I am that person and I hate it. Time is a meaningless social construct designed to control us. I want to go back to an era when the only measure of “time” that mattered was the changing of the seasons. Or even for the nomadic peoples, the migrations of animal herds and shepherding.

    Then this morning I was thinking about self-identity and how I identify, and by proxy, we, identity ourselves. Again, it seems to be a uniquely white concept to identify ourselves by what we do. I am trying to break myself of this habit. I want to identify myself by my hobbies, loves, interests, and passions. Work only need be what I do to make ends meet. I realize I spend an arguably disproportionate amount of time defining myself as a security guard instead of a Linux power user cum expert, a motorcycle rider, an animal rights advocate, and a radical progressive leftist. That sounds a lot better than an occupation that the media has turned everyone against.

    I really want to have a personal reboot on my thinking. It begins with realizing I am more than what I do for a living. I do need to upgrade my security guard license to an armed one so that my earning potential reaches low to mid $20s per hour. That I do not mind so much because more money may help me hate what I am doing less – 😆. If having a bit more money provides a bit less stress and makes self-identification easier, then I am all for it!

    I have some life options ahead of me. I don’t see myself affording a car anytime soon and I am bleeding red ink over Uber and Lyft rides. In order to see more of my hard-earned money, having a little electric scooter would be very welcome and nice. It would save me probably in the neighborhood of $150-$200 a month. That’s a lot of money maybe 27% of a single paycheck that was spent in commute alone. I already took a look at my cell phone bill and got it down by about $35 a month. Every little bit adds up.

  • Unbelievably Pissed Off

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    As the title reads, I am so angry I could cry. I rarely get this angry and incensed that I am beyond yelling or even silent anger – this is one of those times. I just watched a segment on YouTube from vlogger Lindey Glenn called People With Jobs Are Sleeping in Their Cars Now. I agree with about 99% of the content that Lindey puts up. About 1% of the stuff she puts up though is capitalist apologia and I don’t care much for that as I think it detracts from her overall vibe and message. Anyhow, I digress as the episode put me in a very dark and angry place. There is truly no hope for the United States now and it really doesn’t matter what political aisle you identify yourself on.

    With thanks to politicians of Democratic and Republican persuasion we have effectively criminalized homelessness. We have found a way to do a complete end-run around the constitution which expressly forbids criminalizing a status. I am so angry and sad. It’s going to take a fucking miracle to fix this and there is no political will to do so because the venture capitalists have actually bought up all of the housing resources, alternative or otherwise, and made basic living impossible. I am autistic and will not survive 12 hours, let alone 24, living on the street. Is life worth living if I cannot even lead it in basic safety and dignity!? I am really thinking right now.

    Maybe it is dangerous to think this deeply so late at night when the night demons come out. The night demons are real for people that suffer from major depressive and generalized anxiety disorders like myself. Yes, this is a very real phenomenon. I am feeling so much right now that it will be a good thing I am seeing my therapist tomorrow. I feel so much right now that I know the only thing that will improve things for me will be talk therapy to help stop the swirling thoughts. Not even sleep is helping me recover.

    On top of all of this, I think I might have been the victim of a job search scam. This is not of those direct monetary ones but one where the company posts a fake job and then requires their candidates to “solve a problem” or “complete a task.” They do this knowing people will jump through hoops in these economic times. This task was especially difficult but I did solve it. The more I think about it, the more I think this was a phantom job offer. It only made me angrier! I need to sleep this off.

  • A Reattempt At Writing

    I am going to make another attempt at writing a fun information technology book. This time I have a much better idea for the intended target audience. Surprisingly, my therapist helped narrow down the audience to the intermediate computer user who is fascinated about how computers and networks operate and wants to learn more; take it to the next level. In my latest thinking, my ideal reader will want to balance learning by doing with grokking the theory behind it as well. So I may sit down to figure something fun out this weekend when I am at work

    I am planning on enjoying today’s day off to its fullest possible. Yesterday, I was so tired that I was falling asleep on the job. I will also have Friday off too and it will feel good. In an ideal world I’d rack up enough paid vacation and just relax. This is going to be a short article as I have a lot to do.

  • A Sleepless Night

    Last night was quite unpleasant. It was another sleepless night. I really needed three days off but my boss contacted me about covering a four hour shift on Thursday and then I would have Friday off. I need the money and I am in no shape to turn opportunities down. This isn’t much fun but it costs money to live and the elites would have it no other way. Life feels like an unending punishment.

    Last night I think I brought back my Mastodon and WordPress instances back from the dead. Well, I know I brought back my WordPress instance. I am not so sure about Mastodon. The database might have gotten corrupted while I was doing a few things and I stupidly neglected to take a backup of the damn thing. Well, I seem to keep learning this lesson over, so yes, this is stupidity at this point.

    I don’t know quite how today is going to play out other than that I will be spending another 4 hours guarding a dock door when I am rather capable of so much more. This also frustrates me very much.