I hate it when I have a nightmare that resumes after interrupted sleep. The nightmare I had clearly reflects the stress and anxiety I am feeling and experiencing. I hope this does not set the tone for the day. I think the dream I had is symbolic of hell because lava was leaching to the surface of the earth. It was terrifying. I remember seeing people burning to death right in front of me. I should have just woken up and used the early morning hours productively.

This afternoon at 1:00, I have a webinar from SCORE. This is one that will help me develop and write my business plan. I may go to the library for that one and be productive. I need to kind of get out and start writing this business plan while doing some research. I think I will feel better if I am productive.

Next time I have this recurring nightmare scenario, I will just wake up and stay up for a bit. Perhaps letting the intensity fade from letting time pass will prevent sleep like this. It will be something that I have to try. For today, I know having accomplished a few things will make me feel better.

The title sums up exactly how I am feeling right now. I didn’t feel this bad this morning. I’m overwhelmed by life right now. I’m fighting this feeling of sadness, anxiety, and hopelessness. I think the recent news about the bombing of Iran, the forced prayer of the troops, and the increasing difficulty of simply existing are coming to a head. I don’t know what a correct perspective is anymore. I feel the impending sense of doom strongly.

It’s almost like why should I even try anymore? What’s the use if we are all just heading towards Armageddon and evangelicals support Trump’s push towards destruction? Gas prices have now made it a bad idea to drive for Uber because you can guarantee Uber’s payouts aren’t increasing. I don’t understand the insatiable greed and selfishness. Trump is bringing out the very worst in people by emboldening and enabling the bad behavior. I see it at all levels of society.

I just don’t see things improving at all short of a revolution; complete revolution from the bottom up. The problem is we are so divided into so many different factions that civil war would be immensely destructive and costly. I wish for revolution badly because we need it.

I’m even feeling like a failure and only a dreamer. Unironically, I had a psychopath for a 5th grade teacher that basically levied that accusation against me. Dreaming is what kept me alive throughout the many miserable years I’ve had. Now I see that there may be folly in dreaming.

Maybe the teachers I had in grade school were not wrong when they said I would ultimately be a failure. Maybe their predictions were not so far off. Not all of this is me mind you. Society has special hatred and intolerance for people with disabilities. Now even the quiet part is being said out loud. When does the government come to imprison me based on eugenics?

I thought I’d be utterly done after work on Sunday night. Instead, was in a go mode. It’s almost like I feel so energized. Working on building a business and a brand is a creative kind of fun. I literally feel so empowered. The more time I spend learning about business opportunities, the more my thinking expands beyond my typical boundaries. I never thought, for the life of me, that I would be considering starting my own clothing line.

I am kind of impressed by this line of thinking that is clearly outside of the box for me. I think it means that I am growing personally and that makes me happy. I have some really fantastic ideas for a clothing line. Where I fall short is that I am not a graphic artist by trade. The cool thing though is that I have great mental imagery and capacity to use technology and tools. So I am going to take advantage of this. I have the ability to take my ideas and put them into precise written language.

I never even thought about e-commerce before. Now, I am considering e-commerce and drop shipping. The newest technology tools are really opening up avenues that never would have been previously available to me. It’s exciting and a bit nerve-wracking at the same time. Well, there’s no time like the present to wade in the waters. Again I am excited and nervous at the same time.

I’m still amazed at how my synapses fired on last Sunday night. I went from thinking about designing corporate swag and logos to, “Holy shit! I think I am about to design my own line/brand of fashion and clothing.” I haven’t had this excitement in some kind of time. I realize these businesses fail more often than they succeed but I have technology on my side. At the very least I can try it with not too much in the way of risk because I can do so much on my own.

I just need a way of building the brand and it’s going to be somewhat slow and steady winning the race. I don’t expect to make millions here. The only expectation I have of myself is to simply try and to be able to tell myself that I will honestly do my very best.

Life seems to be throwing more obstacles at me. This time it’s that I cannot seem to be able to save enough to be able to afford the car rental payment to start Uber. I swear that the deck is stacked against me. And no, I am not paranoid. I’m poor, and as such, it’s difficult to climb out of said state. Being impoverished feels like being in a hole where all of the sides are greased so attempts to climb out fail.

I feel exhausted; quite literally spent beyond imagination. I’m also quite worried because I’ve developed a persistent tremor in my hands. My mom developed the same thing at roughly the same age I am now and she has Alzheimer’s. I’m potentially at risk but it’s not like I can afford vanguard treatment options anyways. I’m going to suffer the fate of the impoverished person.

There is an upside today because I managed to get some things accomplished. I have the basics of a WordPress theme for my business. I have to see if there are any YouTube videos out there about how people handle images and graphics. I don’t know this is presently done. But every day that I can still learn is actually a good one.

Unfortunately, my diabetic neuropathy hasn’t quite cleared up like I had hoped now that my A1C is 6.9%. I needed my cane today. That put me in somewhat of a grumpy mood. Maybe with warmer weather on the horizon I’ll do better.

I’d really like to know how why and how much of the referrers to my blog have come from Reddit. Maybe I mistakenly put my blog URL on it? I don’t know. Anyways, that’s all she wrote for today.

I had grand plans for today but it’s just not going to happen. I’m tired from a week’s worth of caregiving to my elderly mother whom has advanced Alzheimer’s and the beginnings of dementia. Caregiving is mentally and emotionally exhausting. It’s hard seeing my mom decline in health as she is very precious to me.

Yesterday was particularly difficult for me and I was grateful to have Denisse come with me. It even brightened, albeit briefly, my mom’s spirits. My mom had a moment where she did not recognize me and thought I was about to do her harm. That affected me deeply as I know that it’s not her true thinking. I know Alzheimer’s can cause dementia and paranoia.

My mother is a woman ahead of her time. She has two master’s degrees: one in history and another in mathematics. Her mentor for her history degree felt her thesis was dissertation quality so he had it published under her name. Her thesis was about the Salem Witch Trials and is available in the University of Pennsylvania archives. At that time, it was unheard of for a woman with only a master’s degree to have something so worthy of publication.

So in essence, and at the sagely advice of Denisse, I’m beginning the process of mourning now so that when my mom is ready to die, I shall celebrate her life and mourn her passing. I think ultimately that this advice will make the entire process easier to progress through.

The bottom line is that I am spent and need a day of watching movies with my special Denisse. Productivity will have to wait until tomorrow.