I’m trying to stay positive but struggling. I did feel very good about my new therapist, Adrianna. She works with Jewish Family Services of Delaware. It took me a while to reach out to them because I’m secularly Jewish. The last thing that I want or need is to be converted to a faith. I derive my spirituality through Zen meditation. It’s perhaps the philosophy and the act of sitting in silence that has been the most beneficial to me from a mental health standpoint.

I find myself going between despair and hope depending on the day. I need to share this blog with Adrianna because I think it might help her help me. It might provide some real insight for her. But it might be confusing too because these things tend to be a stream of consciousness.

I did manage to grab Small Business For Dummies (Tyler 2024) from the library to re-read. When the next edition comes out, I’ll buy it so I can have a good desk reference. I don’t know why I am so nervous and scared about getting this business off of the ground. It could be that as I age I’m becoming more risk averse. It could also be that I failed at business three times before

Do I have realistic expectations? I believe that I do for Uber but I want to do a whole lot more. Uber is really going to be bootstrapping my other ideas. Maybe I need a brainstorming session simply to come up with ideas. I have to get over this feeling that I am a failure.

I want to spend more time at the library because I am usually very productive there. I do my best thinking at the library.

I no longer see AI has something to be loathed and feared. I’m starting to seeing a real value proposition in the tool. The technology has the potential to democratize entrepreneurship. It makes things like web development more accessible to people with limited startup funds. It helps the budding entrepreneur to get their businesses off the ground.

But let us not overhype the technology because it is no panacea for all of the problems startups face. Much like a wrench or a screwdriver, it is a tool and an imperfect one at that. Use AI to help you learn and to help fill some knowledge gaps. AI is also not an excuse to turn critical thinking off. It’s been my experience that the better small businesses owners continue to think critically, i.e they need to be able to discern when AI is just plain incorrect.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I used AI to design a logo for my business. I’m currently using it to build WordPress and WooCommerce themes since I’m not a software engineer and I don’t have $5,000 dollars to drop to make this happen.

I won’t use AI to design legal contracts, or for that matter anything to do with legal matters at all. This is best left to a human attorney. Similarly, medicine is left to professional humans as well.

I know I need to carve out more free time so that I can work, in earnest, on my business. I feel like I am neither being efficient nor making good use of my free time. I want to spend some serious time on Friday and Saturday at the library. I’m most effective when at the library.

I really want to start Uber soon. It’s going to be my gateway on the path towards better things. I just wish I was not afraid, fearful, and full of doubt. It seems like each time I make the rental reservation, I end up canceling because of this fear, uncertainty, and doubt.

On the upshot, I started working with a new therapist that I already feel comfortable working with. She’s very kind and understands autism because her older brother is on the spectrum. I think she may know how to treat me effectively. I would like to be able to see her twice a week but I don’t know if I can afford to do this just yet.

I thought for the longest time that I would prefer a male therapist being a guy myself. Turns out I was wrong and prefer having a woman. I feel hopeful that she will be able to help me. I need a self-esteem and self-confidence boost. I find myself looking forward to my next appointment on Tuesday, March 3rd.

I think after a week or two of doing Uber, I might build some comfort level. I’m nervous around strangers. I want to give this a shot to see how viable it really will be. If I can average $26 per hour or around 0.85 to 0.90 per mile, I might just do okay.

I have some goals that I want to run by my therapist and I hope she will not placate me. I want her honest truth. I can take disappointing news and I accept the honesty of it. I don’t want to be falsely filled with hope.

I’m relieved that this snowstorm did not impact my area significantly. I really did not want to deal with a major storm as I’m exhausted from this brutally cold winter. I could seriously go for some 60 degree temperatures right about now. I’m also really tired today. I think at least some of the exhaustion is just due to how difficult times are.

I’ll feel even better if I could manage to get some things accomplished today that are business related. I’ll make a goal to get something accomplished today – I might do it later this afternoon or this evening. The libraries are closed today and I’m normally most productive in that environment. I know I do best when I don’t work from home. There are too many distractions for me. But simply because it does not work for me, doesn’t mean that it isn’t good for many.

I don’t necessarily work well from an office either. I still need a quiet place to get things done and the library is my sanctuary. I get a lot accomplished in a short amount of time at the library. In 3 hours at the library, I often get more done than 6 hours at home.

I think once I get my planned business started and making money, I will have to get some sort of brick and mortar space for which to operate from. But this is quite a ways down the pike. I still don’t know if operating my own information technology training academy is feasible. I think it’s a good idea but I’ve had ideas in the past that I’ve thought were good; they weren’t.

I had a bit of a late start this morning. I thought it would be nice to have a “special” breakfast with my honey, Denisse. By special, I mean McDonald’s. It was nice for her to have a Sausage McMuffin meal and I enjoyed a Chicken McGriddle meal. It’s a nice breakfast on a rainy morning. I’m so not looking forward to the oncoming blizzard. I hope they fuck up this forecast.

I really want to spend time building my business today. I want to give Claude Code a go. I’ll vibe code themes for my business and store. I really hate AI, but in a lot of ways, it helps lower the entry barriers for new businesses. Web design can be very expensive. If Claude Code could do this for me, I’d benefit tremendously. There’s no way I could afford to pay a web designer right now.

I have the advantage of being an IT professional so I can setup my own infrastructure. A part of me wonders what hiring someone to code a WordPress and WooCommerce theme but I don’t want to give it to an Indian company. I’d rather use AI than offshore. I wonder what US-based independent designers are charging nowadays.

I feel morally and ethically troubled by using AI knowing that I’m putting somebody out of work. But I just don’t have the money right now to consider other options and I need to get things done.

Okay, as the title goes I am going out on a limb here to say I am doing quite well mentally and emotionally this morning. I have to say I am a bit surprised at this because yesterday was such a tough day. I am sad about my mom’s declining health due to Alzheimer’s. Alzheimer’s is a cruel condition and it is frightening and worrying to those suffering from it. My mom is being moved into memory care but her apartment won’t be ready for a bit so I am pitching in to help care for her during the day.

I feel flush with ideas that just might work. I believe I could pull it off and it is somewhat exciting. I admit I had to change my attitude towards AI to make it happen. I am now seeing how I can leverage AI to make some of the things that were impossible for me to do on my own, very marketable. I do have a visceral hatred for AI because it’s making some professions obsolete. But I think I can exploit AI for at least awhile to get a tidy sum of money.

For today, I’m going to be productive. I want to set up the e-commerce platform for my business. I will end up using WooCommerce for its tight integration with WordPress. I’ve got a bunch of other little administrative things to take care of.

I want to do my mother proud. I have some SMART goals in mind.

I woke up this morning feeling in a pretty good mood until I checked my phone and saw that my manager gave away a shift he offered to me to somebody else. Yes, that definitely frustrated me quite a bit because the shift he offered me was on a Saturday night at a location that is peaceful and relaxing. It is a site to work at that makes both financial sense and a positive mental health environment. In other words, it’s simply collecting a check which is the best part!

I just noticed that I am learning to say the quiet part out loud. Worker bees like myself are expected to shut up and take the propaganda. We are only allowed to open our mouths when we are reinforcing or praising said messages. When people are no longer afraid to say the quiet part out loud, real revolution happens. I am also learning, albeit slowly, how I can enjoy manipulating the rigged system from within.

Yes, I am frustrated by a part of the lot in life that I’ve been dealt. I enjoy whining like every other human being that denies they whine and complain. It becomes unhealthy when I do not take steps to improve things. I guess I am kind of doing that. I don’t really know because my brain is still in a depressed state. I cannot fully trust certain feelings and emotions just yet. Maybe I just need to keep my eyes forward and keep moving forward, even if it is just 2 steps forward only to take 1 backward.

One of the things that I am proud of myself is that I am actively unlearning some of the concepts that I’ve been taught. One of these concepts is the notion of absolutes.The world is full of grey areas which are where real ideas get formulated. I now have no problem making a carefully calculated financial decisions that will benefit me over anyone outside my family and friends circle. It’s so freeing once you learn this.

I decided to do some learning this morning with NGINX. For those not in the know, NGINX is a web and proxy server. I use it strictly as a proxy and it’s very powerful for that purpose. At any rate, I discovered that it can do more than simply proxy web connections and thought that this is something I would do.

A proxy is a much more secure way of exposing a service to the internet than doing it at the network level since you don’t have to poke a hole in your firewall. I’ve been chasing a bad actor that seems intent on crashing my blog on occasion but I haven’t been able to pin down the offending IP address. I’m hoping that by proxying the connections I can stop this offender cold in their tracks.

I host my own blog so I can retain tighter control over my own data and the service itself. With that comes responsibility for everything. I don’t mind periodically checking WordPress to see if anything got corrupted as it is all part of the sysadmin game. So now, not only am I proxying all of my web stuff, I am also proxying SSH.

Unfortunately, I am feeling a bit down today and my brain is telling me that I am a fool. I feel like I have missed too many opportunities. I am wondering if I am even worthy of new ones. At the same time I write this, the rational side of me knows I’m whining and doing little to nothing about it. Yes, I am a mess but at least it is living or so I keep telling myself.

I want to come up with some more business ideas and value propositions … Ugh! I am using the financial bros lingo now. Well, at least I am thinking of ways to become more entrepreneurial for whatever that is worth. Yesterday, I accidentally nuked the virtual server that I spent time spinning up for my business so I think I will spend the morning fixing that.

Why does it seem like life today is really a series of troubleshooting steps all around!? It seems like my life is moving from mini-crisis to mini-crisis. I wish I could just live and thrive for a change. Wishing does not make anything happen. I both want and need to be a more “take action” kind of person. That also involves learning to take a 30,000 foot look at life instead of being mired in the tiny minutiae.

Today I am in need of a relaxed day and I will take it. I just don’t want to think at all. I want to shut my brain down. Hell, even my brain does not really want to think at the moment. So be it! A day where I shutdown then.

I’m feeling in sour spirits this morning because I’m sick of the system being rigged in favor of the wealthy, the people who need it least. I feel like my life has been reduced to some AI algorithm. I don’t know if I feel sad or simply resigned. I don’t really know but I’m tired of having to settle for survival. Is it wrong to ask or want to at least thrive minimally? The question is rhetorical but you get my drift.

I made it into work on time. My supervisor was 20 minutes late but I would’ve gotten yelled at had it been me. I’m sick of the double standard. I wish I didn’t feel so sour-assed right now. I know I’m screaming into the void but I guess I feel some relief.

It’s getting harder and harder to live. I’m just growing more and more exhausted; just spent like the last dollar in my pocket.