I am going to have to speak with my doctor about a medication change from Ozempic to some other GLP-1 inhibitor because I am now pretty much nauseous all of the time. I don’t think I can tolerate this stuff any more. I put up with it for a good long while but no more. Well that much aside, I am doing okay if a bit on the tired side. I seem to be always tired which I don’t know if it is depression or I am legitimately not resting well.

I don’t know what is in store for me today. I don’t really have any grand plans and I certainly don’t have the energy to really do that much. No sense in forcing a square peg into a round hole so I’ll ride out the inertia. I did learn a lot about Linux containers in the past two days. I have a good website development stack set up in a container so I am ready to go when I have the concentration.

I am really having trouble concentrating. As much as I like the show, The Madison, a Taylor Sheridan masterpiece, I keep losing track of the story line because it is complex. I am going to give it a shot again but this time keeping anything that could distract me out of the room. The show flips time frames quickly so it requires concentration. There isn’t much more to write about today because even writing is not booting up my brain at the moment.

Today marks the beginning of a new week and it has not started out so well. I feel really nauseous and tired which is bringing me down; feet hurt as well because of the diabetic neuropathy. I wish life would be easier but it is not. But I am very excited for my friend, Jim. He has a really promising interview today and I am cheering him on. The job would be perfect for him because it is work from home. I hope he will fill me in on the details.

I just don’t know what I feel like doing. My boss offered me a shift today but I couldn’t take it because of the nausea and the fact that I would be standing all day long. That will be a recipe for tossing my cookies. I could’ve really used the money from the shift. Hopefully an extra shift or two will come up later this week when I am feeling better.

Why does it feel like I am going in circles? Why does it feel like I am constantly setting goals only to never start them? I think this is the depression talking. Depression does correlate well with inertia and I do know this. How do I light a fire under my fanny to get this business going and what am I so afraid of? I think these will all be questions to ask my therapist, Nan, tomorrow. They’re topics to be discussed. Maybe the goals I have set are too much for me right now and I need to start smaller and simpler …..

I think I will make a nutritious breakfast for myself. I know I would like to be eating more fruits and vegetables in my diet. I am not eating enough of these basic foods and I know it is not helping me any.

I always feel good the day after taking in a little THC. I feel relaxed, anxiety-free, and certainly a lot less angry and bitter. Still, taking THC is a maladaptive coping method so I will spend some time today looking for a meditation group in my neighborhood. If one does not exist, maybe this would be an opportunity for me to start one. The benefits of meditation are many and well-studied.

I think it may rain today and they’re calling for the possibility of thunderstorms. I like a good thunderstorm so I will have that to look forward to. In the mean time, I don’t have any grand plans for today. I just want a lazy-ish day where I don’t go anywhere and I don’t do anything at all. This would be good for me.

Perhaps I will do some more concerted computer work this afternoon. I don’t really know just yet as I am waiting for Denisse to awaken and see what she’s up to. If I do decide to do some computer work this afternoon, I will unbox my VoIP phone and get my desktop switch up and operational. I think my desktop switch might be power over ethernet capable.

I do not have a whole lot going on today. Originally, Denisse and I were going to see Project Hail Mary but I don’t think we will make it. Denisse had a fall last night and probably bruised her tail bone. This would make things really uncomfortable. I know when I am hurting I want to stay home. If she does not want to go out, then I will happily take care of her.

I don’t particularly feel motivated to do anything. Last week was a long one and I am tired. I’d be just as content to having a lazy recovery day. While I am conflicted and do not exactly want to waste the day, I know giving my brain some rest would be good. I was in really rare form last night being both tired and pissed off at the world.

Anger takes a lot out of me and I just had this insight as I am writing this blog entry. Anger, despite helping me to prevent a depressed state, is exhausting and all-consuming. I want to make more headway on my business but it’s not going to happen today. Despite knowing rationally that I am headed towards a wasted day, I realize that forcing my brain to work on the business idea will not be fruitful. In the end, it could make me angrier and more bitter.

I am content to have a day where I surrender myself to mindful entertainment. I will keep my phone in a different room so I am not tempted to pick it up and engage on trivial matters on social media. Today, I want to appreciate the simple pleasures like spending time with the love of my life and maybe a little THC tonight. I may skip the THC though because it honestly makes me “stoopid” the next day.

This morning I am really writing from a stream of consciousness. I want to get back to unguided meditation as a form of relief from anxiety and depression because it is a healthier coping skill than use of substances. The results from meditation provide tangible relief from depression, anxiety, and anger without making me feel dopey. Conversely, I feel clearer and more focused after a good and long meditation session.

I am at my dead end part time job doing security work and finding myself doing some heavy thinking about government. I’m disturbed at the amounts of money and resources being thrown at surveillance of the internet. The most recent age verification angle is particularly disturbing. I am angry that a contingent of the Linux community is willfully bending to these laws instead of fighting them. I get why Red Hat and Fedora capitulate but I don’t agree with it. I hope other distros won’t kowtow to government surveillance.

I am personally convinced that it is time to do an open subversion of government surveillance attempts. I know I risk being branded as a domestic terrorist as a result of my views but I don’t necessarily care. It’s all about bumping up against the legality line without crossing over into criminality. We have a right to be secure digitally too. It’s one reason why I want to create a secure network. I just don’t know how to appropriately police it so as to avoid crossing into criminality.

I’ve thought about creating a secure network in the past but it’s only been thoughts. I know that I would like to legally thwart government surveillance. What if a closed-loop virtual private network could be created where all communication stays within the confines of the network? Everything would have to be encrypted and no logs kept. What if I simply made it free? Could I bypass the laws designed to assist the government in its surveillance?

I mean yes it could be abused as any tool or system can but I like to err on the side of freedom. The freedom to communicate without being spied on is fundamental. Government should live in fear of, and serve, its citizens; not the other way around. I keep going back to Benjamin Franklin’s very prescient statement, “Those that would sacrifice liberty for security gain none and deserve neither.”

I want to live in a world where I can have a discussion with a friend over long distances without having to be concerned with having my conversations recorded or analyzed. I want to be free to post my opinions and thoughts without being placed on a watch list somewhere. Well, to be honest, I am probably on a watch list because I am not afraid of making my opinions known. Therefore certain parties might be concerned that I would somehow diminish their power.

I already made the conscious choice to do everything on open source software and operating systems. I do not use anything proprietary or non-free. This alone means I run against the grain of society. Doesn’t the old adage, “The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.” apply very well to the US?

Has anyone else noticed how bad customer service has gotten? Companies have no problem taking your money but when their product or service doesn’t work, it takes five times as long to get it resolved. They also have no problem instantly taking your money yet somehow it takes “7-10 business days” to get your refund. It’s only getting worse.

I remember a job that I once had to stand up a call center in Cebú, Philippines. It was a good thing my manager had me go there because the place was a boiler room. The computers used were out of date, unpatched operating systems, ancient hardware, and the facility had inadequate internet bandwidth. I felt bad for the agents and the misery was palpable. I blame US corporate greed for this. What’s more is that the company that owned the call center was based in the US.

If my business ever gets big enough to need dedicated CS agents, I am not going to go the way of outsourcing this. I’m not feeding the call center industry. I’m not going to beat up my customers and frustrate them, even if it means I will ultimately earn less money. My customers are deserving of the best support possible. As a consumer, I hate dealing with poor support.

Corporations don’t even really care about the customer. You’re just a number. Okay, I’ll bite, they care about you until they have your money. Once they have your money, you’re a burden. That’s no way to run a business.

This morning I am feeling physically lousy. The nausea resulting from taking Ozempic has reached the point of intolerable. I will have to have this discussion with my doctor. It will be time to try a new GLP-1 drug. I am not taking this for weight loss but for being an actual type 2 diabetic. Happily I have lost a lot of weight as a result of taking the medication.

Today I have to go into work for a 4p-12a shift. I am not looking forward to it because my tummy is doing back flips. Well, at least I will have done my required shifts and I won’t have to go in again until Thursday of next week. Of course there will always be call outs so I can optionally pick up extra shifts. I don’t know how much I am going to feel like picking any up though.

I am left sort of wondering if this is it. I am finding myself questioning whether or not I should continue down the road of self-employment. I don’t know if this is depression and anxiety talking or I am just objectively questioning what I am doing. A large part of me feels like I should just keep on marching with this idea. Do I set expectations or simply goals? I think goals are the way to go.

I did manage to get some work on building a WordPress and WooCommerce theme last night. At this point, any work accomplished is better than none at all. I am starting to get some ideas and run with them. I do feel good about that. I just wish my concentration levels would be better. Concentration is hard for me because I feel so icky most days.

I’m tired of having to rely on public transportation. I’m tired of the disruptive and rude passengers. I’m tired of the people getting on intoxicated. It makes me late for work because inevitably police have to get involved to yank the person off the bus.

But I think most of all that I’m tired of being poor. I’m tired of the worry and tired of being punished by society. Being poor is not my fault. I’ve had a series of life setbacks that put me in this condition. I’ve done nothing wrong whatsoever.

America gives automatic undue credit to the wealthy because money is the new “god.” Why is it that wealth is so revered? I mean look at Donald Trump. If he isn’t proof that you can have money and still be absolutely low class, I don’t know what is anymore. I also want to know why America is generally anti-education.

I’m sick of the myths and mystique surrounding being wealthy. So many of the wealthy are not deserving of their money because they exploited people. They were not paid fairly for their labor. I’m just pissed off!

I had another difficult night sleep-wise. I think I need to get some more melatonin because that supplement worked very well. I will pick up some this weekend. When I woke up, I discovered my mom had tried to call me several times. My mom is now situated in her apartment at the memory care program. I am truly worried for her because she definitely has sundowning syndrome as it seems her symptoms are worse at night. I will give mom a call later today.

I don’t really want to go to work this afternoon but I need the money. I need more money coming in the door so I can afford to keep Denisse and I afloat. I want Denisse to have some nice small luxuries so I will have to work (unfortunately) harder. I am not a fan of hard work but one of smart work. Working hard isn’t necessarily smart. Smart work is finding the means to be more efficient with my time.

I am not adverse to working long hours though. I would just like my efforts to be more personally beneficial. The only way to make this happen though is to work towards ownership. When one has ownership of the means, they ultimately earn more money and do it smartly. Unless one is at the executive level of a company, they are just a mere cog in the machine having to accept scraps of money for work performed.

Personally, I am absolutely tired of being impoverished in a country that punishes poverty. It takes 2-3x longer to get basic needs taken care of. Trips to doctor’s appointments and the grocery store end up taking half of the usable day. My exit strategy is all about starting and running my own business. I want more of my time to directly benefit me.

I have no motivation for today but it’s not a depressed feeling. I feel so utterly relaxed that I just want to ride it out at home. I know that some of this feeling is the after effects of a THC buzz last night. I’m not complaining and it’s nice to feel this way every once in a while. But I’m going to need to shelve the Delta 9 for a while. I’m using it more than I want.

I don’t have any grand plans for today. I’m thinking about heading to the library after I run a few errands. Perhaps I’ll get a few light tasks accomplished that will be kind of fun. I really do enjoy working on my business so it will be time well spent.

It’s a cold day in March too. The wind makes things quite blustery. I wish it were not so cold. I just want to wrap myself in a blanket like a burrito. That’ll be for tonight.