Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • Present Feelings

    I am writing this right now so I can stop the teetering feeling like I am going to head back into mental health crisis. I cannot let this happen. I have too much at stake right now to let this happen and give me a setback. I had to block the patient phone numbers from 7 North so that I don’t accidentally pick up a call from Denisse. I don’t want to talk to her right now. I am upset but I want to get myself into work mode. It’s time to dig deep into energy reserves and act jolly and happy to be at work.

    I hate having to act jolly and happy. I hate that work environments are that fascist that you cannot be allowed to simply feel. But I need to work so I can pay my bills. So it’s time to proverbially put the happy face paint on and the happy go lucky act. On the plus side of things, I am at my lowest weight in years and I when I look in the mirror, I see someone that is handsome. I don’t see someone ugly. I still see a fat person when I go clothes shopping but that takes years to erase. I just have to force myself to try on smaller sizes.

    I now need to look at a life after Denisse. I need the time to process things. I think one of the first things I am going to do is replace the mattress. The damn thing smells like skunked beer. I’m also going to replace the bedding completely. It’s time for the next chapter of my life. I don’t know what the holiday season is going to shape up to be but I plan on putting my best foot forward. I might also need to take myself clothes shopping because the tshirts that I have hang on me like rags now. It kind of makes me smile. Even my jeans are like way too big. I think I could get into a size 38-40 comfort fit. That would be awesome.

    I want to dress handsome too. I’m tired of my clothes being too big. It’s time to adjust my eyes and brain to the smaller version of Matt. It’s time for me to turn a new leaf. I’m not old. I’m young. Tomorrow I am going to have a delicious salad for lunch. I’m going to treat myself with love instead of disdain. In fact, I think I am going to order a salad for dinner. It’s time to love myself. I’m worthy of it.

    I’m already starting to feel better now. It’s amazing what doing a little bit of journaling does.

  • A Lot to Process

    I haven’t been able to write much because I couldn’t even muster the concentration up until now to even write from a stream of consciousness. Now at least I can do that. Yesterday was really tough because I ended things with Denisse. I am at the end of my rope with nothing left to give. Last night I went to lay down in our bed to go to sleep and the bed smelled of beer! She drank and spilled beer in our bed! Up until that moment, I might have been willing to reconcile or go to couples therapy. I am not anymore. Now I am no longer even attracted to her physically. I am sorry to say that I feel repulsed by her.

    I cannot help how I feel and I am feeling a whole swirl of feelings from guilt at feeling disgusted and guilt at not being willing to reconcile to relief that this is finally over. I am tired of the barriers that Denisse put up for not finding work and putting everything on me and then telling me how I should spend my own money. I am just too tired to really be angry. I just want freedom from responsibility for her. I am financially ruined and I have nothing left to give.

    I am used to having someone else in the house and the house feels empty. It’s weird because it’s so quiet and I am just not used to that. But like anything, I will again get used to it. Throughout my life I have been very comfortable on my own and generally don’t mind it. I can get back to that level of mindset and comfort. Maybe I’ll even long term foster a kitty so I have a creature that loves me as much as I love him or her.

    Denisse needs housing and it will be up to the hospital’s social workers to start that process. Then it can be arranged for her to get her belongings from the apartment and it will be over. Somehow I feel like I should be more understanding but that’s my own inner voice being self critical. The objective fact is that I have been a good person. It is not selfish to need to consider my own mental health and needs instead of putting other peoples’ needs in front of my own.

    Now I want to work on myself for a while. I more than simply hate my job but I hate the career field that I am working in. Hate is a strong word but it sums up exactly how I feel. Now maybe I can find a way to earn money so that I don’t loathe what I am doing. My life has come to yet another crossroads but I think I am handling it better than I have done in the past. Instead of completely breaking down, I am just considering my next moves.

  • Fucking Angry

    I am absolutely fucking angry. I am fit to be tied and I don’t use bad language too often but this is just exactly how I feel. I am so angry that I have an acid pit in my stomach and I did not sleep well last night. I absolutely hate my security guard job. I hate everything about it but it pays well and I have no other choice but to slave away. At least I am not alone and there are other people that hate their jobs. I am so ready to set up a scam or something to get money. People that lead law abiding lives rarely get ahead. It’s the hustlers that make it because they’re willing to do what I’ve been indoctrinated not to.

    I have a co-worker that I thoroughly despise. I caught her changing my entries in our team’s daily activity report. I guess last night I grew a pair and said quietly while enunciating my words, “Do not ever edit any of my entries.” Then I spun around on my heal and walked out. I did not even give her an opportunity to say anything. Thankfully, she is not well-loved and nothing will become of it but I said my piece. Maybe I am getting a little bit racist in my old age too. I don’t know anymore. Okay, more like I have a barrel full of anger.

    I am so angry that I am motivated to find a new job – yet again. I hate changing employers but this is getting ridiculous. I feel like I just can’t win. The policies change day to day and the communication is very poor. I feel like I am ready to snap so that’s how I know I’ve got to get out of this. Do I hang in there a little bit more and hope to transfer to a different location on the site that I am assigned to guard? Cooler heads always prevail and I know this. But my head is anything but cool. It’s times like these that I get why people snap. A man can only take so much.

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  • I’m Struggling

    This morning I am struggling quite a bit because life is a constant struggle. I feel the kind of tired that won’t be recouped by sleep. I woke up after only a few hours of sleep and just simply decided that I’ve had enough and it’s time to get up. That much said, the day already feels kind of heavy. This is going to be another week where my weekend won’t really be restful when it needs to be. Work is wearing me down because the job is active and requires being on your feet. In fact, this is probably the second most active security officer job that I have ever had. The first was being a mall security guard back in the 1990s.

    I was also quite a bit younger back then. At almost 50, I would like something a lot simpler but simple often means less money and this is the most money I have ever earned working in unarmed security. As long as I can hold on to this job, I am not going to let go. At least the time seems to fly because I am generally busy with a variety of tasks and forget to watch the clock. However, walking around or standing on a hard cement floor is tiring.

    The bottom line is that I need a vacation or more than 2 days off. I ended up taking off on the 15th just because I need a three day weekend. I need 3 days away from Allied Universal and the site that I am on. Fortunately, we have a part timer that willingly picked up the extra 8 hours. Yes, I don’t want to lose 8 hours but I am tired beyond all reason.

    I am going to try to get my colonoscopy done then. I keep forgetting to call to make that appointment and it is because I really don’t want to do it. That much said, early detection can mean a cure. It is important to get this procedure done and over with.

  • My Favorite Cartoon Character

    Daily writing prompt
    Who is your favorite cartoon character?
    View all responses

    I don’t have a single cartoon character that is my favorite, rather I have several favorites. The one most worth mentioning is Wiley Coyote. I have always loved Wiley Coyote and it has to be because I admire his persistence in the face of extreme pain and setbacks. In the face of adversity, Wiley does not give up, he simply regroups and tries again. I think his biggest (and ironically very human) mistake is his steadfast, cognitively dissonant refusal to stop ordering from the ACME catalog. He seems to think that eventually he will get a reliable product from that mail order company.

    Wiley also made me laugh and I had a rough childhood so laughter was, and still is, one of the most important things to me. The antidepressants that I take clobber all feelings and it can be tough. I cannot easily laugh as a result but Wiley can still be depended on for a belly laugh. I want to see the new movie Wiley Coyote vs. Acme. I just cannot convince my fiancee to come with me. She tells me I have to see it on my own. 😆

    Usually I have to have some THC to get a good belly laugh. The nice thing about THC is that (for me at least) it seems to undo the effect of dulling the positive emotions that antidepressants can and often do. At least Wiley is still good for a healing natural laugh.

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  • Something Productive

    I have to think of something productive to do today before work. I usually like to feel as if I am accomplishing a task or learning a new skill. I have so many ideas but I would like to see one or two come to fruition. One of the things that I want to do is take a free MIT course in financial accounting. Ideally, I would like to at least spend some time each day on it. The thoughts in my head are swirling but in a pleasant, kind of optimistic way. I don’t know how to describe this feeling right now. I could still be a little high from last night.

    It just dawned on me that I can create a pre-work routine of things that I want and/or hope to do. I wish I had a printer so that I could print out a list of what it is that I want to achieve …. wait a moment. What I need is one of those small desktop white boards so that I physically see the to-do list every time I sit at my desk. I recall a therapist once telling me that seeing this list as a reminder of things that I want to do as positive motivation. I remember he said it should be a short list of 3-5 things. Seeing them over and over sometimes triggers the inner voice that says, “I think I’ll tackle this or that …” And then a routine starts to build.

    The thought prompted me to search for a whiteboard on Amazon. I can get a 10″ x 10″ magnetic one for my desk. I am also at the point where I almost need some sort of printer. My handwriting isn’t the best and it would be good to have this to-do list of 3-5 items printed in a large font and then I can use magnets to attach it to the whiteboard. This would be a good motivation technique to try or at least I think. Anyhow, it is something to try.

    While at work last night, me and my 2 favorite colleagues had a really good discussion about video games. Maybe I carve out time in the daily routine for fun like that? I love the first and third person shooters. Grand Theft Auto III is, as they colloquially say, “is my shit!” The more modern GTA editions are just about too hard to play for me. GTA III is just a balance enough for me between playability and graphics quality. Yeah, GTA III is old but it is still a lot of fun.

  • Sadness Wave

    I am feeling this incredible wave of sadness sweep over me. I know it is both chemical and situational. I feel sorry for myself, sad that I have not been better to Denisse, and I feel like giving up. It seems that life is throwing a lot of obstacles in my face. I just learned that I need to make an additional Lyft trip this week which really puts a dent into my earnings. I did not see this happening and it is just making me sigh and want to cry a lot. I am an awful human being and deserve the misery that I am getting from life. I 100% am responsible for what I’ve done.

    This is a really potent sadness wave too! Yikes, I am sitting here and I feel like crying into my drink. I feel like a child trapped in an adult’s body and I still struggle with navigating life. I really don’t know how I am going to make it (or if I even will.) I don’t know why I feel so bad. I feel like I wouldn’t be upset if a bus or car were to hit me. The fact is I don’t matter really. I don’t understand the mental health campaign about “You matter.” Who do I matter to? The simple fact is that life in America is that I only matter if I can produce. I feel like I won’t be able to produce anymore.

    The sadness wave has left me exhausted enough that I am falling asleep simply thinking. It never fails to affect me just how potent negative feelings are. They’re soul crushing and exhausting. I wish some of this could vanish. I wish things could get easier but they won’t. I’ll just have to keep trudging through life I guess.

  • Been A Minute

    It’s been a minute since I’ve written a blog entry. I have been under the weather with a rare summer cold that kicked my ass. Anyhow, I am mostly over it but I find myself upset that my employer literally offers no sick time whatsoever. However, this is commonplace for security guard staffing (and most staffing) companies. You either work or you don’t get paid and this is not a fair or equitable way of conducting business: it’s pure greed and lack of empathy. People get sick and they can’t work safely (or even work at all.) But I am working on something new and exciting with 2 other partners: a potential launch of what could be a big thing.

    The bottom line is that sex sells so we are launching a tasteful and elegant porn site that might more appeal to the wealthier and/or refined customer. Sex sells even more in economic downturns as people look for an escape from the doldrums of life. Therefore, it’s time to put our hat in the ring. I have the technical know-how to make this opportunity possible. While I would rather earn money the less seedy way, being a security guard is not getting me ahead. I want to get more than ahead in life – I want money. I am tired of worrying about it.

    Right now, the mission is to build a brand and that is what I am prepared to do. What I like about this plan is that it would be wholly possible to do this part-time while it grows. These days something can grow like a wildfire if it can become viral. The key is answering a demand, even if it is not particularly unique. Sex is a demand that is biologically driven.

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  • Kindest Thing Someone Did For Me

    Daily writing prompt
    What’s the kindest thing someone has ever done for you?
    View all responses

    The kindest thing someone did for me ever was when I did not have enough money to pay for my food at a convenience store was pay for my food. I was absolutely flabbergasted and before I had time to tell him that this was not necessary, he had already swiped his card and the food paid for. That was an absolutely amazing gesture and I was blown away by that level of kindness. I was on SNAP benefits and did not realize my card had run out. That’s kind of embarrassing, which was made even more so by the fact that I was paying with EBT.

    I was able to eat for the day until I got paid and I appreciated it very much. Small gestures of kindness like that are great. It’s a shame that the wealthy don’t do more philanthropy. Well, Bill Gates does but it goes to his pet projects and often what is en vogue, which is to say helping people in other countries when their are people here in America starving.

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  • A New Business Idea

    I have been trying to stay away from businesses that might seem shady or seedy but there are two products that are always recession-proof: sex and food. The simple fact of the matter is that sex sells. So, I am thinking along the lines of the former because food is an impossibility for me right now. But there are plenty of opportunities for tasteful, elegant that produce good quality, imaginative, and innovative erotica. I might be able to make some money off of this. Sex sells and that is the bottom line.

    So the wheels are turning in my head. I don’t want to give away too much because bots may scrape me and steal my idea but suffice it to say that I have a really good one. I am in the midst of converting it to an opportunity because it is actionable and realistic. I know that I’ll need some kind of trademark to protect the idea. I’ll also need copyright warnings left and right. I don’t know if this is original but I guess I’ll soon find out.

    In ordinary times, I might never have thought about a business idea such as this but times have changed and so have I. I want to make a lot of money, make some people satisfied, and get out of the corporate rat race to the bottom. Nobody retires wealthy but working for somebody else all of their lives. They usually end up broke down and busted with health problems as a result of giving their minds and bodies completely over to an unrelenting system.

    Also, in economic down times such as these, people become more depressed and even more likely to escape the impossibilities of life. Yes, I am capitalizing on this desire but there is no need to charge a fortune for something like this. The bottom line is that sex and pleasure sell.