Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • Better Day Today

    I am doing a lot better today than I was yesterday. I was just so fired up about the whole bedroom furniture thing and then not being able to schedule my paratransit rides. My rides have been scheduled so I will only have to Uber two more times in this pay period. Nevertheless, it still hurts financially. Sometimes it sees like every step forward results in two steps backwards for people that are in veritable poverty in the US. I vote yet voting is not changing anything. At this point, I wonder if we need to take a page from yesteryear and show up at the doorsteps of the wealthy with pitch forks and torches.

    On another note, I think a new shift might be opening at work which would be a Monday through Friday one with weekends off. I hope that it does because that would be the perfect shift for me. It would be 6am-2pm which is not bad. I’d take it in a heartbeat. While I don’t really want anyone to lose their job, this security guard is lazy and slovenly, often leaving his trash around for others to clean up and others to do his work. Well, he was accused of stealing something valuable. If the outcome of the investigation shows he did it, he’ll be terminated and arrested. That means the shift will be mine.

    I am just going to keep on soldiering on. I am sick and tired of poverty. Poverty should be treated like a disease and eradicated. Nobody in the US should live in poverty.

  • I’m Furious

    I’ve had a really shitty afternoon/evening. It began with the bullshit surrounding a Facebook Marketplace purchase I was going to make for a king-size bedroom furniture set. The furniture is used and I was all set to pick it up when the seller suddenly demanded a 50% deposit. Yeah fuck that! I am not going to do that so the seller can steal my money. It was the perfect set too. Denisse and I both liked it very much. I so badly wanted this furniture so Denisse could be comfortable and have a dresser all to herself. But no, the universe had other plans and I am not going to get that bedroom set.

    This just triggered me being angry and I forgot to schedule my paratransit ride for tomorrow. This means even more money out of my pocket. I became pissed that I cannot afford a car. It just went downhill from there. Then the slovenly security guard that I relieve left the desk a mess and didn’t take his own trash out. I fucking hate lazy, dirty-ass security guards. I get coming in and doing the minimum. I come into work doing the minimum. But my behavior does not effect my colleagues. I still consider them and wouldn’t leave the place a mess for them.

    And to top it all off, I have to be relieved by a guard that’s notorious for coming in late. I am no longer clocking out on time for him to come in 10 minutes late. Fuck. That. Shit. I am clocking out only when he comes in and when asked for a reason, I am going to simply write, “My relief was late.” My fucking employer can pay out the goddamned overtime for all I care. After all, I am just a whore to them so they can make all of the money off of my hard earned work and return scraps. Yeah, I am done doing more than the minimum.

    It’s well worth spending an extra $15.00 a month for a dedicated work cell phone so I can turn it off when I am not on the job. I am not going to come in for overtime. Don’t fucking call me because the answer is no. I don’t care how pressed my employer is; doing my 40 hours and that’s it. If asked to stay over because my relief doesn’t show, that sounds like a “them” problem as it certainly is not my own.

    So I have to deal with shitty, slovenly, and filthy co-workers and I couldn’t even get something nice for the woman that sticks by me no matter what. Fuck my life!

  • Not Much To Say

    I have not really had that much to say and it is unusual that I would go almost two weeks without writing a blog posting. I think it is because I am simply overwhelmed by life and inundated by information that my brain is on overload. Actually, I feel like I am on autopilot right now with a broken navigation system; drifting through life without aim or direction. It’s not a pleasant feeling at all but it is nonetheless how I feel. I am trying to get by and simply survive. I’ve given up on any kind of thriving.

    At the very least, I am at a worksite that is a better and less stressful place. There is a lot to be said for that. I am still making the same rate but working not nearly as hard and I don’t have to put up with a toxic co-worker. At my age, I am not looking to light the world on fire. I just want to earn an okay amount of money without having to work to the point of exhaustion. This might be asking too much though. I don’t earn even okay money – I just don’t earn a shit wage. But I don’t have to bust my ass either so…

    The thing I kind of need to do now is look for a more comfortable bed. The mattress that Denisse and I have is not thick enough and the bed itself is only a queen when we really need a king because I am a big guy. Denisse isn’t big but she’s cat like in that she can really spread out so we really need more space and we are going to shoehorn a king sized bed into a small space. It will be somewhat hilarious but doable. I think a better night’s sleep will go a long way towards mental health. I did find a king-sized bedroom set that she and I like. I have to see if I can score it.

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  • Best Advice

    What’s the best advice you’d give to someone younger than you?

    I think the best piece of advice that I would give to someone younger than me is to be an active listener. An active listener is someone that listens without judgement or interrupting. Listen to what the person has to say. Ask questions to get them to open up. By being an active listener, you gain a person’s trust and confidence. This is priceless.

    Being an active listener also helps you to become more sympathetic and empathetic. It makes you a better and more likeable person. You learn a lot by listening; broadening your own horizons.

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  • Fucking Angry

    I am absolutely fucking angry. I am fit to be tied and I don’t use bad language too often but this is just exactly how I feel. I am so angry that I have an acid pit in my stomach and I did not sleep well last night. I absolutely hate my security guard job. I hate everything about it but it pays well and I have no other choice but to slave away. At least I am not alone and there are other people that hate their jobs. I am so ready to set up a scam or something to get money. People that lead law abiding lives rarely get ahead. It’s the hustlers that make it because they’re willing to do what I’ve been indoctrinated not to.

    I have a co-worker that I thoroughly despise. I caught her changing my entries in our team’s daily activity report. I guess last night I grew a pair and said quietly while enunciating my words, “Do not ever edit any of my entries.” Then I spun around on my heal and walked out. I did not even give her an opportunity to say anything. Thankfully, she is not well-loved and nothing will become of it but I said my piece. Maybe I am getting a little bit racist in my old age too. I don’t know anymore. Okay, more like I have a barrel full of anger.

    I am so angry that I am motivated to find a new job – yet again. I hate changing employers but this is getting ridiculous. I feel like I just can’t win. The policies change day to day and the communication is very poor. I feel like I am ready to snap so that’s how I know I’ve got to get out of this. Do I hang in there a little bit more and hope to transfer to a different location on the site that I am assigned to guard? Cooler heads always prevail and I know this. But my head is anything but cool. It’s times like these that I get why people snap. A man can only take so much.

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  • I’m Struggling

    This morning I am struggling quite a bit because life is a constant struggle. I feel the kind of tired that won’t be recouped by sleep. I woke up after only a few hours of sleep and just simply decided that I’ve had enough and it’s time to get up. That much said, the day already feels kind of heavy. This is going to be another week where my weekend won’t really be restful when it needs to be. Work is wearing me down because the job is active and requires being on your feet. In fact, this is probably the second most active security officer job that I have ever had. The first was being a mall security guard back in the 1990s.

    I was also quite a bit younger back then. At almost 50, I would like something a lot simpler but simple often means less money and this is the most money I have ever earned working in unarmed security. As long as I can hold on to this job, I am not going to let go. At least the time seems to fly because I am generally busy with a variety of tasks and forget to watch the clock. However, walking around or standing on a hard cement floor is tiring.

    The bottom line is that I need a vacation or more than 2 days off. I ended up taking off on the 15th just because I need a three day weekend. I need 3 days away from Allied Universal and the site that I am on. Fortunately, we have a part timer that willingly picked up the extra 8 hours. Yes, I don’t want to lose 8 hours but I am tired beyond all reason.

    I am going to try to get my colonoscopy done then. I keep forgetting to call to make that appointment and it is because I really don’t want to do it. That much said, early detection can mean a cure. It is important to get this procedure done and over with.

  • My Favorite Cartoon Character

    Daily writing prompt
    Who is your favorite cartoon character?
    View all responses

    I don’t have a single cartoon character that is my favorite, rather I have several favorites. The one most worth mentioning is Wiley Coyote. I have always loved Wiley Coyote and it has to be because I admire his persistence in the face of extreme pain and setbacks. In the face of adversity, Wiley does not give up, he simply regroups and tries again. I think his biggest (and ironically very human) mistake is his steadfast, cognitively dissonant refusal to stop ordering from the ACME catalog. He seems to think that eventually he will get a reliable product from that mail order company.

    Wiley also made me laugh and I had a rough childhood so laughter was, and still is, one of the most important things to me. The antidepressants that I take clobber all feelings and it can be tough. I cannot easily laugh as a result but Wiley can still be depended on for a belly laugh. I want to see the new movie Wiley Coyote vs. Acme. I just cannot convince my fiancee to come with me. She tells me I have to see it on my own. 😆

    Usually I have to have some THC to get a good belly laugh. The nice thing about THC is that (for me at least) it seems to undo the effect of dulling the positive emotions that antidepressants can and often do. At least Wiley is still good for a healing natural laugh.

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  • Something Productive

    I have to think of something productive to do today before work. I usually like to feel as if I am accomplishing a task or learning a new skill. I have so many ideas but I would like to see one or two come to fruition. One of the things that I want to do is take a free MIT course in financial accounting. Ideally, I would like to at least spend some time each day on it. The thoughts in my head are swirling but in a pleasant, kind of optimistic way. I don’t know how to describe this feeling right now. I could still be a little high from last night.

    It just dawned on me that I can create a pre-work routine of things that I want and/or hope to do. I wish I had a printer so that I could print out a list of what it is that I want to achieve …. wait a moment. What I need is one of those small desktop white boards so that I physically see the to-do list every time I sit at my desk. I recall a therapist once telling me that seeing this list as a reminder of things that I want to do as positive motivation. I remember he said it should be a short list of 3-5 things. Seeing them over and over sometimes triggers the inner voice that says, “I think I’ll tackle this or that …” And then a routine starts to build.

    The thought prompted me to search for a whiteboard on Amazon. I can get a 10″ x 10″ magnetic one for my desk. I am also at the point where I almost need some sort of printer. My handwriting isn’t the best and it would be good to have this to-do list of 3-5 items printed in a large font and then I can use magnets to attach it to the whiteboard. This would be a good motivation technique to try or at least I think. Anyhow, it is something to try.

    While at work last night, me and my 2 favorite colleagues had a really good discussion about video games. Maybe I carve out time in the daily routine for fun like that? I love the first and third person shooters. Grand Theft Auto III is, as they colloquially say, “is my shit!” The more modern GTA editions are just about too hard to play for me. GTA III is just a balance enough for me between playability and graphics quality. Yeah, GTA III is old but it is still a lot of fun.

  • Sadness Wave

    I am feeling this incredible wave of sadness sweep over me. I know it is both chemical and situational. I feel sorry for myself, sad that I have not been better to Denisse, and I feel like giving up. It seems that life is throwing a lot of obstacles in my face. I just learned that I need to make an additional Lyft trip this week which really puts a dent into my earnings. I did not see this happening and it is just making me sigh and want to cry a lot. I am an awful human being and deserve the misery that I am getting from life. I 100% am responsible for what I’ve done.

    This is a really potent sadness wave too! Yikes, I am sitting here and I feel like crying into my drink. I feel like a child trapped in an adult’s body and I still struggle with navigating life. I really don’t know how I am going to make it (or if I even will.) I don’t know why I feel so bad. I feel like I wouldn’t be upset if a bus or car were to hit me. The fact is I don’t matter really. I don’t understand the mental health campaign about “You matter.” Who do I matter to? The simple fact is that life in America is that I only matter if I can produce. I feel like I won’t be able to produce anymore.

    The sadness wave has left me exhausted enough that I am falling asleep simply thinking. It never fails to affect me just how potent negative feelings are. They’re soul crushing and exhausting. I wish some of this could vanish. I wish things could get easier but they won’t. I’ll just have to keep trudging through life I guess.

  • Been A Minute

    It’s been a minute since I’ve written a blog entry. I have been under the weather with a rare summer cold that kicked my ass. Anyhow, I am mostly over it but I find myself upset that my employer literally offers no sick time whatsoever. However, this is commonplace for security guard staffing (and most staffing) companies. You either work or you don’t get paid and this is not a fair or equitable way of conducting business: it’s pure greed and lack of empathy. People get sick and they can’t work safely (or even work at all.) But I am working on something new and exciting with 2 other partners: a potential launch of what could be a big thing.

    The bottom line is that sex sells so we are launching a tasteful and elegant porn site that might more appeal to the wealthier and/or refined customer. Sex sells even more in economic downturns as people look for an escape from the doldrums of life. Therefore, it’s time to put our hat in the ring. I have the technical know-how to make this opportunity possible. While I would rather earn money the less seedy way, being a security guard is not getting me ahead. I want to get more than ahead in life – I want money. I am tired of worrying about it.

    Right now, the mission is to build a brand and that is what I am prepared to do. What I like about this plan is that it would be wholly possible to do this part-time while it grows. These days something can grow like a wildfire if it can become viral. The key is answering a demand, even if it is not particularly unique. Sex is a demand that is biologically driven.

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