Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • Feeling Somewhat Better

    This morning I think I am feeling somewhat better as a result of the Abilify that my prescriber added to augment the antidepressant. I don’t feel top of the world but I do feel better able to function and I feel some motivation returning. At the very least, I don’t feel like breaking down and crying in public. That is undeniably something.

    I actually feel like I am generating ideas again. I feel like it is easier to think. I will take this small win. It’s going to be a longer day today. I don’t necessarily mind however because it won’t be an expensive one. It’s just going to be a day.

    I hope there is some cheap bodega near my workplace where I could scrounge up some food for lunch. I know of only convenience stores that are, well, shadier than most. Well, that’s about all for now.

  • Motivation

    This morning I am trying to find the motivation to do some things to better my existence but I am struggling. Last night I was sad because I knew I was going to need my cane to make it to work. The diabetic neuropathy in my feet continues to worsen at a rapid pace and the days of needing my cane are outpacing those that I do not. I put my cane near my bag in a strategic location so I would not forget it. I am hurting today.

    I found 3 jobs worth applying to through GoodWill Industries. One is actually an IT Help Desk Role that is a short bus ride away. The other 2 are state contracts with the Delaware Department of Health and Social Services. I think I will give these a try and see what happens. Something has to give and security is going nowhere. Even though I do not feel motivation, I have to summon it in some fashion. This is the only way I will better myself. I am sick of feeling sad and sorry. I will take things one day at a time and find something to do that is positive each day.

    Today I found 3 jobs worth applying to and I will do so. Hey, that is actually 3 positive things right there. I’m reminded of what a friend once told me: In a sea of darkness, there is always a lighthouse to guide you away from the rocks and shoals and into port. At the very least, this will guide me away from the rocks and shoals.

    I did not sleep so well last night. It was light and restless. I hope sleep tonight will be better. I hope overall things can better.

  • Present Times

    ,

    I am a student of history. It is these current times of extreme socioeconomic injustice that the Black Panthers of the 1960s and 1970s prophetically warned us about. While the Black Panthers’ primary goal was racial empowerment of black lives, they also knew that empowering the lives of every poor and working class person mattered. They understood it was ultimately division amongst ourselves that was hurting us.

    While today’s Black Panthers still must necessarily be about helping the lives of black people and immigrants, they still have a vested interest in helping all oppressed people. If you are working two full time jobs and still cannot make ends meet, you are not a temporarily embarrassed millionaire, you are a victim of a rigged system. This system has us so thoroughly defeated that we have no time whatsoever remaining to organize against it. By the words of our friends that tried to warn us, this was completely by design. This is no accident and no by product. These conditions are intentional.

    We earn less money despite being collectively more educated and working harder. Our money is stolen from us at the grocery store, the clothing store, the energy companies, the entertainment companies, and even the internet service providers. Homelessness is on the rise amomg the employed! Yes, the employed! If that is not staggering than I cannot fathom what is. It may no longer be enough to organize against the system. That ship might very well have sailed. More drastic measures may need to be taken to prevent our lives from further descending into survival.

    It is time to start paying attention to the wisdom of the Black Panthers. It is time for all working class to open our minds and hearts to their experience and foundational knowledge as organizers. I encourage everyone to go to this website: https://www.uate.net. I have hit my final straw and have reached out to them in the hopes that I can use my technology skills to help them. If you have any kind of skills, whether you are white, black, latino/latina – whatever your background – please ask to become a panther. Panthers are smart, wiley, adaptable, and never give up. I am learning neither should I and neither should you.

    In our darkest of times there is hope! Let’s utilize the wisdom that many human lives have brought us. Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, Donald Trump, Tim Cook, and Bill Gates are but 5 people. They have made it impossible to work for reform within the system. The Black Panthers know that when barriers are built up within the system, we work outside and around the system rigged to kill us slowly.

  • Sick To My Stomach

    I’m so nervous that I am sick to my stomach. I barely slept last night. That’s just how much like rubbish I feel. I am headed in to my four hour shift at OPS and then it will be time to start my Uber adventures. If I am to be honest, I’m completely unprepared to be doing this. I do not even have a dash cam. I just hope I can make it through this first week and make a profit. That would be ideal. I don’t know if it will be possible but I will sure try.

    I probably need to eat something to settle my stomach but I don’t know if I can. When I was younger, I could honestly handle change a lot better. Nowadays, not so much. This is appreciably hard. I’m tired and all torqued up at the same time. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling. Maybe I will feel better once I get started and I get a few rides accomplished under my belt.

    I have to remember to be polite and not make unwanted conversation. As someone who is autistic, I suck at “reading the room.” If the rider wants to make conversation, I am happy to do so, I just probably will not initiate it. As much as I tell myself ratings don’t matter, they kind of do. They have an effect on earnings and trip preference. That’s another reason why I am nervous. I just know that it’s going to take several trips before I feel comfortable and get into a rhythm.

    What makes this especially hard is that I will be effectively working 2 almost full time jobs to make ends meet. I hope that Denisse will not have too much trouble finding work after school gets done in 2 months or so. By then, I won’t have much gas left in the tank. I just hope that this is a folly and that I didn’t fall for it.

  • I’m Nervous

    ,

    I am,as they say in the southern US, “Jittery as a junebug.” Tomorrow I will be renting a car from Uber and be beginning my journey as a rideshare driver. The weekly rental fee is not too bad and the vehicle is an electric one that I will be able to charge at EvGO charging stations. I plan on purchasing a monthly membership to cut down on the expense of rapid charging. I worry that I will not be able to make up the cost of renting the vehicle and I know I will have to bust my ass in order to make any kind of money. I am scared, nervous, and I feel like the proverbial failure before I’ve even gotten started.

    This is a very unpleasant way to feel but I shall do my utmost best to earn a living. The worst case scenario is that this does not pan out and I go back to ground zero. That might not be so bad but I’ll put in the efforts. I also just feel defeated mentally, like there is no way out of the fix that I am in. Maybe I am starting to develop some suicidal ideation again. Maybe I just want to be completely left alone. Like I do not want anyone else around. This is not a good place to be in.

    I think I need some activity and to see that I can earn money and I can make it. I need some confidence boosters where I have almost 0 to none right now. The most I have to look forward will be an unbearably hot summer – a summer that I already know will be virtually relentless.