Trying to Eat Better

On Thursday of last week, I began a push to eat better. I would say that I’ve done sort of an okay job. I could have done a lot better but some improvement is better than none at all. I often find myself thinking that one of the potential causes of me being anxiety-riddled all of the time has, at least partially, to do with the fact that I am just not eating enough healthy foods. [Read More]

I Am Fugazied

This morning I am all fucked up sideways and I feel a deep, visceral sense of despair. I feel a sadness deep in my bones and al I feel like doing is crying. I absolutely hate this time of year where the heat and humidity feel oppressive and just had to my general discomfort. Things aren’t going well at my job and I expect when I have my 90 day review at the end of this month, early next month, it’s not going to go well. [Read More]

My Take on History's Alone

One of my favorite TV shows is Alone on the History Channel. I wish they had a version where they only tested the psychological aspect, and to a lesser extent, the survival aspect. The show itself is really well done and raw. The participants are not actors, they’re only well-trained survivalists. What if the producers of Alone did a version where the participants were given food weekly in cache and simply tested the psychological side of being alone? [Read More]

Close to a Meltdown

Today I was frighteningly close to an autistic meltdown. It sucks having sensory issues and feeling like you’re being bombarded with sensation that you cannot escape. Couple that with anxiety and I was just completely overwhelmed. I did fight it off though so I am stronger than I give myself credit for. For a minute, I was concerned that I would be going back to the hospital. As I age, I don’t handle stress as well as I used to. [Read More]

Wave of Sadness

This morning I am battling a wave of intense sadness and I am feeling really sorry for myself and my circumstances. That’s why I am sitting down to write this so I can get the thoughts out of my head. I find myself wishing for something really bad to happen to me and I know that these thoughts are serious indicators of problems. Work is not going very well and I feel like I am floundering badly, like I am way out of my element. [Read More]

As I Age

I am a generaton X baby and the baby boomers often warned me that I would become more conservative as I grew older. As I age, I am finding myself actually moving more and more left to the point where I identify as a Communist and reject Capitalism altogether. I really see where a country needs programs like Housing For All, Healthcare For All, and Food For All. A healthy population is a productive population. [Read More]

Saturday Morning

This Saturday morning I am really feeling the weight of life in America and its near impossibility to get ahead. I know that this is by design. I know why people dream and by lottery tickets because of this. Anyhow, I digress; I am feeling low and grouchy this morning despite the unusually nice weather. I think I am going to get lost in a show today and escape the doldrums. [Read More]

Windows Is Not Green

This morning I basically got about 25 retired PCs ready to go to the scapper and I found myself getting increasingly angry and annoyed because of all of the waste. These perfectly good PCs are basically going to head to a landfill. Maybe a few of them might find a second life somewhere but most are going to pollute the shores of some developing nation because they won’t run Microsoft Windows well enough anymore. [Read More]

America's Education System

The system of education in America has little to do about actual education but about indoctrination into a brutally harsh capitalist system where failure and difficulty is met with personal fault. I’ve recently had time to examine my grade school education and I have realized that it was all about “white is right” and “big bad Communism.” Every bit of history that I learned in grade school glorified horrors like manifest destiny and Andrew Jackson. [Read More]

Some Personal Updates

I have made it through my first 30 days of full time employment with the State of Delaware as a Telecommunications/Network Technician and it has not been easy by any stretch. There have been days where I drive home at the end of the day and just want to cry because they have been riddled with anxiety and stress. I’ve wondered if I can even do the job at all and I’ve been scared that the job might drive me back into the deep, dark hole of hopelessness, despair, and depression. [Read More]