Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • My Favorite Cartoon Character

    Daily writing prompt
    Who is your favorite cartoon character?
    View all responses

    I don’t have a single cartoon character that is my favorite, rather I have several favorites. The one most worth mentioning is Wiley Coyote. I have always loved Wiley Coyote and it has to be because I admire his persistence in the face of extreme pain and setbacks. In the face of adversity, Wiley does not give up, he simply regroups and tries again. I think his biggest (and ironically very human) mistake is his steadfast, cognitively dissonant refusal to stop ordering from the ACME catalog. He seems to think that eventually he will get a reliable product from that mail order company.

    Wiley also made me laugh and I had a rough childhood so laughter was, and still is, one of the most important things to me. The antidepressants that I take clobber all feelings and it can be tough. I cannot easily laugh as a result but Wiley can still be depended on for a belly laugh. I want to see the new movie Wiley Coyote vs. Acme. I just cannot convince my fiancee to come with me. She tells me I have to see it on my own. 😆

    Usually I have to have some THC to get a good belly laugh. The nice thing about THC is that (for me at least) it seems to undo the effect of dulling the positive emotions that antidepressants can and often do. At least Wiley is still good for a healing natural laugh.

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  • Something Productive

    I have to think of something productive to do today before work. I usually like to feel as if I am accomplishing a task or learning a new skill. I have so many ideas but I would like to see one or two come to fruition. One of the things that I want to do is take a free MIT course in financial accounting. Ideally, I would like to at least spend some time each day on it. The thoughts in my head are swirling but in a pleasant, kind of optimistic way. I don’t know how to describe this feeling right now. I could still be a little high from last night.

    It just dawned on me that I can create a pre-work routine of things that I want and/or hope to do. I wish I had a printer so that I could print out a list of what it is that I want to achieve …. wait a moment. What I need is one of those small desktop white boards so that I physically see the to-do list every time I sit at my desk. I recall a therapist once telling me that seeing this list as a reminder of things that I want to do as positive motivation. I remember he said it should be a short list of 3-5 things. Seeing them over and over sometimes triggers the inner voice that says, “I think I’ll tackle this or that …” And then a routine starts to build.

    The thought prompted me to search for a whiteboard on Amazon. I can get a 10″ x 10″ magnetic one for my desk. I am also at the point where I almost need some sort of printer. My handwriting isn’t the best and it would be good to have this to-do list of 3-5 items printed in a large font and then I can use magnets to attach it to the whiteboard. This would be a good motivation technique to try or at least I think. Anyhow, it is something to try.

    While at work last night, me and my 2 favorite colleagues had a really good discussion about video games. Maybe I carve out time in the daily routine for fun like that? I love the first and third person shooters. Grand Theft Auto III is, as they colloquially say, “is my shit!” The more modern GTA editions are just about too hard to play for me. GTA III is just a balance enough for me between playability and graphics quality. Yeah, GTA III is old but it is still a lot of fun.

  • Sadness Wave

    I am feeling this incredible wave of sadness sweep over me. I know it is both chemical and situational. I feel sorry for myself, sad that I have not been better to Denisse, and I feel like giving up. It seems that life is throwing a lot of obstacles in my face. I just learned that I need to make an additional Lyft trip this week which really puts a dent into my earnings. I did not see this happening and it is just making me sigh and want to cry a lot. I am an awful human being and deserve the misery that I am getting from life. I 100% am responsible for what I’ve done.

    This is a really potent sadness wave too! Yikes, I am sitting here and I feel like crying into my drink. I feel like a child trapped in an adult’s body and I still struggle with navigating life. I really don’t know how I am going to make it (or if I even will.) I don’t know why I feel so bad. I feel like I wouldn’t be upset if a bus or car were to hit me. The fact is I don’t matter really. I don’t understand the mental health campaign about “You matter.” Who do I matter to? The simple fact is that life in America is that I only matter if I can produce. I feel like I won’t be able to produce anymore.

    The sadness wave has left me exhausted enough that I am falling asleep simply thinking. It never fails to affect me just how potent negative feelings are. They’re soul crushing and exhausting. I wish some of this could vanish. I wish things could get easier but they won’t. I’ll just have to keep trudging through life I guess.

  • Been A Minute

    It’s been a minute since I’ve written a blog entry. I have been under the weather with a rare summer cold that kicked my ass. Anyhow, I am mostly over it but I find myself upset that my employer literally offers no sick time whatsoever. However, this is commonplace for security guard staffing (and most staffing) companies. You either work or you don’t get paid and this is not a fair or equitable way of conducting business: it’s pure greed and lack of empathy. People get sick and they can’t work safely (or even work at all.) But I am working on something new and exciting with 2 other partners: a potential launch of what could be a big thing.

    The bottom line is that sex sells so we are launching a tasteful and elegant porn site that might more appeal to the wealthier and/or refined customer. Sex sells even more in economic downturns as people look for an escape from the doldrums of life. Therefore, it’s time to put our hat in the ring. I have the technical know-how to make this opportunity possible. While I would rather earn money the less seedy way, being a security guard is not getting me ahead. I want to get more than ahead in life – I want money. I am tired of worrying about it.

    Right now, the mission is to build a brand and that is what I am prepared to do. What I like about this plan is that it would be wholly possible to do this part-time while it grows. These days something can grow like a wildfire if it can become viral. The key is answering a demand, even if it is not particularly unique. Sex is a demand that is biologically driven.

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  • Kindest Thing Someone Did For Me

    Daily writing prompt
    What’s the kindest thing someone has ever done for you?
    View all responses

    The kindest thing someone did for me ever was when I did not have enough money to pay for my food at a convenience store was pay for my food. I was absolutely flabbergasted and before I had time to tell him that this was not necessary, he had already swiped his card and the food paid for. That was an absolutely amazing gesture and I was blown away by that level of kindness. I was on SNAP benefits and did not realize my card had run out. That’s kind of embarrassing, which was made even more so by the fact that I was paying with EBT.

    I was able to eat for the day until I got paid and I appreciated it very much. Small gestures of kindness like that are great. It’s a shame that the wealthy don’t do more philanthropy. Well, Bill Gates does but it goes to his pet projects and often what is en vogue, which is to say helping people in other countries when their are people here in America starving.

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  • A New Business Idea

    I have been trying to stay away from businesses that might seem shady or seedy but there are two products that are always recession-proof: sex and food. The simple fact of the matter is that sex sells. So, I am thinking along the lines of the former because food is an impossibility for me right now. But there are plenty of opportunities for tasteful, elegant that produce good quality, imaginative, and innovative erotica. I might be able to make some money off of this. Sex sells and that is the bottom line.

    So the wheels are turning in my head. I don’t want to give away too much because bots may scrape me and steal my idea but suffice it to say that I have a really good one. I am in the midst of converting it to an opportunity because it is actionable and realistic. I know that I’ll need some kind of trademark to protect the idea. I’ll also need copyright warnings left and right. I don’t know if this is original but I guess I’ll soon find out.

    In ordinary times, I might never have thought about a business idea such as this but times have changed and so have I. I want to make a lot of money, make some people satisfied, and get out of the corporate rat race to the bottom. Nobody retires wealthy but working for somebody else all of their lives. They usually end up broke down and busted with health problems as a result of giving their minds and bodies completely over to an unrelenting system.

    Also, in economic down times such as these, people become more depressed and even more likely to escape the impossibilities of life. Yes, I am capitalizing on this desire but there is no need to charge a fortune for something like this. The bottom line is that sex and pleasure sell.

  • Just Another Sunday

    As I get used to my new job, I am feeling more and more comfortable as the week’s go by. I am also starting to like going to work again. I know a large part of it is because I am finally earning good money for an unarmed security guard/officer. The pay is decent but still kind of low. However, $7.00 per hour more than my previous job is great! So I don’t really mind going in and I’ll have two pay periods in a row with overtime. One thing Denisse and I want is a new bedroom set because the queen sized bed we have now is kind of small for the two of us. I am still a big guy but more to the effect that I am 6’4″ and about 230 pounds.

    I spent some time this morning on Facebook Marketplace and found a likely king-sized bedroom set candidate. I just have to show it to Denisse but I have a feeling she won’t veto it too badly. At least I hope not because it is kind of my taste in furniture. I don’t like light woods. I prefer medium to darker woods. The price though is not so right. I am hoping I can get the seller to knock a little bit more off of the price. That much said, it’s a nice used set.

    I am also happy that I have only two payments left on Denisse’s engagement ring. I didn’t really have the means to spend more than $1500 at the time. I am thinking that her wedding band will be much nicer. At some point, I am going to need to buy a car and I want to get a better machine to act as a server than I currently have. There’s Christmas ahead and other things. I hate poverty.

    I also would like a motorcycle again because they’re a lot of fun. I miss riding very much and I would like to find a big ol’ cruiser like a Kawasaki Vulcan Nomad 1600! I had a 1500 when I lived in Gilbert, AZ. That was a fun bike and I enjoyed it very much. I guess I have some nostalgia from when I lived in the desert. I have some fun memories of long rides to the middle of nowhere. Well, perhaps I’ll get a bike again one day.

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  • Thinking About Self-Education

    I am thinking about doing some disciplined self-education. I saw that MIT has something that they call a “Micro Masters” program. I am particularly interested in some of the business and technoogy-related courses being offered so that I can better develop my value proposition and skills to sell. The problem is coming up with a schedule and being disciplined about it. I don’t know that I am lazy exactly or that I do not have drive but I struggle with routine and these kinds of things. Sometimes I have difficulty starting a learning journey when it comes to topics other than technology. I have to develop an interest in other areas in order to grow.

    There is time to do these learning activities. I generally wake up early and have a couple of hours before work which I could utilize more beneficially. Sometimes I am angry at the sheer amount of time that I waste that could be going to learning and self-development. I love learning but I want to expand my horizons beyond technology. I want to learn things like business and finance. Ultimately, I want to be a better and more rounded person.

    I am feeling pretty okay this morning but I am finding myself needing something personally challenging to do. I cannot explain this antsy feeling I have. It is almost like a discomfort in my own skin and I want to break out of it. This is the best way to describe it. I feel like I am destined for something better than this current life. But betterment is not in the future. The opportunities exist now in the present. I want to be mindful.

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  • Weird Coincidences

    Daily writing prompt
    What’s the weirdest coincidence you’ve ever experienced?
    View all responses

    I find the timing of this daily writing prompt a very weird coincidence. Last night was date night for me and my wife. Denisse told me her father’s first name and was telling me how much she still misses him. Well, it turns out that her father’s first name is the same as my own: Edward; actually Eduardo because they’re Puerto Rican. So Denisse’s father and I share a name. She and I were both shocked. Yes, this could be coincidental but something uncanny seems to be happening here. There’s a lot about the way the world works that we do not understand.

    After learning that Denisse’s father and I share that name, I am left wondering if there was something else in the works; like meeting Denisse was what was supposed to happen to me. Denisse even once told me that I even have some similarities to her father’s personality: like my whole unconditional love belief. I don’t really know but this ranks up there with the weirdest of coincidences that I have experienced.

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  • Feeling Good

    My depression and anxiety seem to be in a waning phase because I am doing much better overall. The thing I hate most about my brain is that depression seems to wax and wane with me. But I will take the good news. Yesterday I was feeling really relaxed and confident at work. Maybe I am finally beginning to feel comfortable in my new role. For me, this is absolutely huge because I had a lot of trouble adjusting; to the point of having a panic attack. Now that I am starting to feel comfortable, I believe things will continue to improve from here. I am definitely enjoying the higher salary.

    I am even feeling fairly good about tomorrow because of my appointment at the Delaware Department of Labor. This will mark the beginning of my journey to entrepreneurship. I have in mind what I want to do and I plan to roll with it. It’s time to launch this IT training business and start with a contract with the Department of Labor. If all goes well, I will seek contracts with other agencies for training and education. I would love to expand this into a brick and mortar business with classroom and lab. I want to develop true professionals, not simply someone that can pass a certification exam.

    I am ready for the next path in life; one towards more independence and away from having a boss and navigating the mine field that a corporate life is. It would be so great to build Avvira Global into an IT training dynasty, sell 85% of it, and then retire with some residual income. This is going to take discipline and work but it’s a good kind of work because I am furthering my own goals instead of some organization’s. But one day at a time and living in the present is my mantra. Tomorrow will merely mark the beginning.

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