The world is very confusing for autistic people. I’m on the spectrum and I battle with understanding my place in the world because I’ve never mastered the fine art of balance. My thinking is very black and white and I don’t deal well with ambiguity. I’m confused and tired. The world is a loud place.

It feels like I have to scream into the void and I still never get heard. I never made the transition into adulthood very well. I know I’m not the only one. I’m left feeling like I should not be suffering because I’m a good person. Why do utter vacuous shit birds like Donald Trump and Elon Musk not suffer?! I’m sick of the unfairness.

My mom is also really going downhill fast. The Alzheimer’s is progressing very quickly. I can feel and see her suffering badly. I don’t want her to live like this. Alzheimer’s is a cruel disease.

The title pretty much sums it up. I’m done! I’ve had it up to here with how difficult it is to live in the United States. I guess I’m learning how difficult AI makes things for the working class. AI benefits the billionaire class and large corporations. It makes doing business very difficult if you’re just plebeian.

AI makes it easier for the wealthy and corporations to charge money for a service they’re not actually providing. AI makes it easier for the wealthy to basically steal more money from us. I feel like a victim and I’ve had enough of being one. I advocate stealing back what was stolen from us.

I’m going to fuck around at work and collect my paycheck. I’m not going to do crap to help anyone. Let them send me home! I don’t care anymore and it’s relieving. I’m just going to do what benefits me and my family. I’m done being a people-pleaser. You don’t like me? Wipe your ass with sandpaper for all I care.

Every decision I make must be to benefit myself and my family. If you are asking me to do something that won’t provide an actual financial benefit to me, then the answer is, “No thank you. But good luck with that.” 🤣 I’m laughing and feeling free at the same time. Freedom is knowing what you’re worth and not accepting less than that. I’m starting to realize my worth.

I’m surprised that I am actually feeling good today. Yes, I do have to go to work but I’m oddly okay with it. I cannot really explain the good feeling but I definitely won’t bemoan it. Instead, I’m just going to ride it out and hope it lasts all day.

Some of this good feeling has got to be related to restarting the use of THC. Nothing else seems to work but I want to be very careful and not overuse. I also have to make a plan for Saturday. I want to work on my business and be ready for the coming week.

I’ll park my happy ass at the North Wilmington Branch Library for a couple of hours on Saturday and be as productive as I can. I would like to work on the technology side of business.

Yet here we are in the United States where everything and everyone is seen as a business transaction. I don’t like it but I don’t have the power to fight city hall. Instead, I’m going to make decisions that best benefit myself and Denisse.

My manager asked me to work a 10a-4p shift. I took a very powerful moment to decide carefully if this is what I really want and will it benefit me. I needed to make up money I lost yesterday due to the Uber debacle. A quick calculation with transit costs revealed that I would make up what I lost with a little extra so I agreed. I used to just agree to help out because I am, by nature, a people pleaser so this was a huge step in taking back my power.

I like being more careful in my decision making and I like considering the needs of me and my family first. Being a people pleaser caused me to be easily taken advantage of in corporate. People pleasing ate away at my mental health like acid chews through metals.

I plan to give Uber another try on Monday. I’ve got what I think is a solid plan but I’m going to have all of my i’s dotted and t’s crossed. For now, I have 23.5 hours until my next security guard shift. The plan is to relax and spend quality time with my baby girl.

Despite yesterday’s Uber debacle, I feel surprisingly good. My boss offered me a reasonable shift so I can make up some of the money I lost yesterday. In business, everything will always be a learning experience. Now I know and I am no longer beating myself up. Plus, this shift will only be 6 hours so it’s very doable.

In a weird sort of way, I am okay with paying out of pocket for the first week’s rental. It relieves some pressure on me and will allow me to learn. I recovered remarkably well from yesterday. I dare say I am proud of being able to ground myself and get going again.

I have to think of some goals for today. I wish I could have my laptop but I guess some asshats complained so I can’t bring it in any longer. I feel weirdly optimistic. I don’t know if it is misplaced but I will roll with it.

I know some goals that I would like to work on today. I know that Uber is really only going to be my gateway into self-employment. It’s not something for the long term. I see myself more of offering services or doing IT career training.

While this morning was very challenging from both an autistic and mental health standpoint, I can honestly say that I came out of this one surprisingly strong. I had a meltdown because I was way overstimulated. In previous times, I think this might have lead to me shutting down completely. Instead, I relied on some coping skills and I am proud of myself for doing better.

I did not know when I was headed to pick up my Uber rental car so that I can earn money on the platform, that I would have to pay in full for my first week’s rental. After that, they deduct your fares until you hit the weekly cost. So naturally I had spent time and money on getting to the rental location which is not exactly nearby. The meltdown came on while I was at the rental location but I managed to hold it together. Of course I am exhausted now.

I don’t know how I avoided a serious mental health collapse but I did it. I thought at one point I was afraid that I’d need emergency help. But damn if I did not do what had to be done. I did it and I am safe. So if there is a silver lining to this cloud, I know that I have more fortitude than I even I could’ve guessed I had.

I was hoping to get a few administrative things done with the downtime I have but it’s just not going to happen and that is perfectly okay. For now, it will simply be incumbent on me to relax and do some mindless things.

Antidepressants, while great for getting my head above water, also kill a lot of feelings. I don’t belly laugh anymore and I don’t feel or experience joy. Instead, I feel the absence of all emotion. I realized this while sitting down at work to do a job I detest. It takes THC for me to truly be able to have a hearty laugh. It’s amazing how good the laughter is and feels.

I wish there were more effective treatments for major depressive disorder. The treatments that exist largely do not work optimally. Just newer drug formulations but little is being done to really study MDD. I wonder if that is because it’s not “sexy” or “profitable” medicine.

I wish I could be without these medicines but I cannot. I wish life could be easier but it is not. I’m just going to have to dig deep into some energy reserves.

I wanted to enjoy a simple night out with my special Denisse. It was completely and utterly ruined by a drunk man screaming obscenities about Puerto Ricans. Being Puerto Rican, Denisse became so understandably enraged and mortified. It took every fiber of my being to exercise restraint. I heard the words and knew where they came from. I knew if I had made a scene, it would’ve been worse all around. It’s a good thing that guy didn’t come near our table because then all bets would be off.

What in the hell is wrong with people!? Puerto Rico is a territory of the US. Therefore, Puerto Ricans are citizens of the US. I can’t believe in this century there are people whom still do not know this. I’m glad I’m more emotionally intelligent than I was in my more intemperate years. Had I been 10 years younger, I would’ve said, “F*ck it! YOLO! I may be going to the hospital after this but I’ll go with my head held high.”

I so badly wanted to rearrange the guy’s face. But to what end? Then Denisse will have to visit me in prison if she would even want to visit me at all. The wiser path was to let this go. Now if it were a case of assault, I’d have the guy pre-hogtied and ready for Wilmington’s finest to haul that guy away.

Now all I have to do is survive today. Every day is a struggle when you have mental health issues. The only easy day was yesterday. The aphorisms that come from the military are often really good and totally applicable to civilian life. Now to get cracking as I am already 30 minutes into my day.

This morning I’m feeling a lot of gratitude for my fiancée, Denisse. Without her in my life, I would be very much worse for the wear. I’m also feeling gratitude to my friend Jim for bringing us together. Denisse and Jim are very special people.

I’m also grateful to my friend Quanna. She’s one of the salts of the earth and I hope she and Denisse become fast friends when we all meet at Murph’s for the game. Quanna has this very awesome and unique laugh which encourages everyone to join in. I know she’s had a rough life but she chose not to let it harden her.

It’s also time to get a virtual private server spun up. I suppose 4GB of RAM, 4 vCPUs, and 200GB of storage space will be good. I believe this will be adequate for my initial business needs. I’ll use a minimal install of AlmaLinux 10.1. I would really like to do this today.

I did get the basic template laid out for my book, Boostrapping Your Own Internet: Learning About The Internet Through Linux and BSD Labs, with fonts and the like. I would also like to come up with some fun chapter names. More things on the todo list.

Life’s challenges keep getting thrown at me. I know I am complaining but it helps from keeping the frustrations bottled up. I would like one thing to go right for me professionally and I know that is not a large ask. Well I just need to be patient, make choices that are as informed as possible, and keep my eyes forward. I want to get started earning on Uber next week. I’ll find a way to make this happen. Worst case scenario, it will be the third week in February.

I was hoping to get some work done while waiting for Denisse to get her hair done. Having a lack of battery power and no available outlet for charging pretty much nixed that. I also really don’t want to go to work today. I want to call off. I’ll get away with doing as little as possible.

I don’t know what possessed me to offer to work the day after the Super Bowl. I’m not the brightest bulb here. So Monday at 8am will come awfully early.