Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

  • High Anxiety Morning

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    I’m having a bit of a high anxiety morning and I do not really know why because typically a dose of THC does much to alleviate this. So this must be situational anxiety rather than chemical. I received an offer letter from Allied Universal for a security officer and I completed the background check and drug test agreements. I was supposed to get an email after the background check completed so that I could schedule a new employee orientation. This has not come and I need this job so my anxiety is high.

    Not even being in my home lab has done much to alleviate the anxiety. I managed to fix a problem with zero down time and zero data loss. That in of itself was an achievement. At least I am still good at one thing: computers and networks. And I am just good … not an expert by any means. Working on a home lab has taught me just how much more I need to teach myself. 😆

    So I have to figure out how to bring my anxiety down somewhat. I figure that if I tell myself that this is something I cannot control that I can relax a bit. On Monday, I will call the local branch office of Allied Universal and figure out what the next steps are. Sometimes a little bit of proactivity goes a long way. The office local to where I live is Claymont, Delaware. It’s a quick and easy bus ride to the New Employee Orientation.

    I really need this new job! I need to get out from under the present disaster I am in. Ugh! It’s putting me on edge every time I walk in to work on the weekdays. I rather like the weekends because I rarely deal with anyone. I simply work.

  • Erasing A Trend

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    Daily writing prompt
    If you could erase one trend from history, what would it be?
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    This is another good daily writing prompt. One historical trend that would be great to erase from the past and prevent in the future is the human tendency to gravitate towards anger and hatred in poor economic times. Members of the poor and working class turn on each other in economic recessions, depressions, “dark ages”, etc. The rising levels of hatred seem to be in direct proportions to economic and financial stressors. These stressors rise exponentially when access to a reliable and safe income dry up.

    A large part of this problem seems to be the insatiable greed of the wealthy. Let’s look at Elon Musk, history’s first trillionaire. That’s more money than most people could spend in a lifetime. One does not obtain that amount of money through honest and ethical business practices. This man has hurt an untold and unknown number of people to obtain this vast sum of money. But we can surmise that the people he has hurt have been the working class. In a bitter sense of irony, rather than getting angry at Musk, the working class turn on each other; fighting for scraps like stray dogs in the street. But that’s a topic for another day.

    This has been a historical trend throughout times. Since Trump was dubiously re-elected to the presidency we are seeing it play out. Rent, food, clothing, gasoline, and the cost of basic needs have risen exponentially while wages have fallen. The only answers to problems like these are more regulation and not less. I guess that’s another historical trend to erase. Humans born into inter-generational wealth, when left to their own devices, will not generally do the right thing automatically. This is why we need regulation.

    But the trend of cyclical economic depression giving rise to hatred, racism, and domestic terrorism needs to come to an end because it does no good whatsoever. The working class needs to band together and not be so divided. These divisions have existed for centuries however. It is what has enabled this trend.

  • What Shapes Us

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    Daily writing prompt
    Do you think we’re shaped more by our experiences or by who we are?
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    It is my belief that we are shaped by our experiences rather than who we are. Our experiences are actually what define us and answer the question of who we are. Or maybe, and more perfectly said, our experiences mostly define who we are and shape us. Speaking from personal experience, I can definitively say my experiences, both positive and negative, have shaped me.

    One summer I rode a bicycle 300 miles, when I lived in Arizona I learned to ride a motorcycle, and when I graduated from college I backpacked through the Sierras in California and the Northern Presidentials in New Hampshire. These experiences helped to define me as comfortable and happy in the mountains and loving riding anything with two wheels on them. I met people and built long lasting friendships; had experiences with extreme beauty and got to do some activities many dream about.

    I went to Alaska and Hawaii. I spent New Years 2010 in Tokyo with a very good friend. Those were the good times. The bad times with mental and physical health issues served to remind me of my humanity and the short time that we live on this planet called earth. In getting sick and struggling, I learned humility, kindness, empathy, and sympathy for others. I learned the value of elevating others around me.

    It is our experiences that profoundly shape us and define us. It is also the choices we make as a result of these experiences. Do we choose to learn from them or do we dig in our heels and continue to repeat mistakes we have made? There are truly many variables here. I am reminded of a friend who is a recovering addict. I love his two life’s mantras and I feel it best to conclude this posting with them.

    If you are going through hell, keep going, and do not stop. What has a beginning also has an end.

    Adapt, improvise, and overcome.

  • An Animal For A Week

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    Daily writing prompt
    If you had to be an animal for a week, which one would you be and why?
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    This particular writing prompt spoke to me from both an interest and a mental health stand point. I have to admit that it kind of made me smile. Anyhow, if I had to be an animal for one week I would like to be a cat. I think my blog kind of gave that one way though. While I certainly neither have the dexterity nor the survival aptitude that a cat has, I have always considered myself cat-like when it comes to certain behaviors, tolerances, and daily living.

    Let me begin by stating that I am on the autistic spectrum and I have ADHD. So the unofficial lingo is that I am AuHD. I am very sensitive to sounds, noises, smells, and general environmental stimuli. Cats are also this way, and in fact, it is generally believed by experts that our house cats’ paws are so sensitive that they can detect an earth quake coming. Their sense of smell and hearing are vastly better than our own. So much like a cat, I can become easily overwhelmed by environmental stimuli. When this happens, I feel the need to escape and escape quickly or clamp my hands over my ears; anything to reduce this overwhelming sensation.

    Cats are also highly intelligent animals. They learn from their environment very quickly and I tend to do much the same. I love their fierce sense of independence and the way they form bonds. Since cats lean towards independence, when they form bonds they are psychologically very strong and hence devastating when they break. It took me several years after my engagement fell through before I could begin seriously dating again. When my engagement never happened, I was seriously bereft.

    Cats mourn loss deeply and privately to avoid predation. In the face of loss and grieving, sometimes I retreat as well. I get cats and they get me. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t a feline in a previous life if such a thing were even possible in the first place.

  • Technology Here To Stay

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    Daily writing prompt
    What’s a piece of technology you’re convinced will exist in 20 years?
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    I am convinced that the Internet, TCP/IP Networks, and computers are here to to stay and they will be around in 20 years. The Internet has changed lives and mostly for the better. We have unprecedented access to information and ideas. Granted a lot of it is mis and disinformation so extra care has to be taken to sift out the wheat from the chaff and we have to use some critical thinking skills. That much said, the Internet has helped to discover hobbies that I would otherwise have not discovered nor really taken an interest in like ham radio.

    The Internet is modern equivalent of the movable type printing press. Those that choose to be luddites risk being left behind. We are also living in particularly interesting times with regards to the Internet. The Internet itself is starting to again resemble its early days of introduction to the consumer and business marketplaces. Corporate control is starting to wane in favor of people creating their own home labs, hosting their own services, and leaving the cloud and corporate offerings behind.

    I have moved all of my stuff out of the cloud, including email. I host everything out of my own home on a business class desktop with good quality hardware that I own. I make regular backups like the olden days of computing. And I am free from the perennial subscription models to boot.

  • Life Long Learning

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    Daily writing prompt
    Are you a lifelong learner?
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    I am a lifelong learner and I believe strongly that everyone should commit to learning. There is ample evidence to suggest that learning slows brain aging and promotes brain and cognitive health. Learning also promotes positive mental health and wellness. That much said, it is something that is meant to be enjoyable for all. Learning is enjoyable when one partakes in subject matters that are appealing or interesting and not a subject one is forced or obligated to learn.

    Those that make the commitment to learning also commit to being independent and fre. Learners are, by proxy, critical thinkers and will not automatically believe what they have been told. Critical thinkers are far less easily controlled and are less willing to allow themselves to be controlled. Throughout history, the great leaders were also great students and great learners. Sun Tzu, author of The Art of War, routinely touted education.

    Learning can be done beyond the brick and mortar walls of the classroom. One need not associate learning with subjects that do not appeal to them. Engaging in a hobby is a perfectly valid form of learning. Learning need not build a skill that can be monetized or even lead to riches – that’s merely a shallow, capitalistic notion. It can be done to simply help one grow and develop as a person and to help make life enjoyable.

    I learn for the pure sake of learning and pursue subjects that are exciting and interesting. I know I will only live a finite number of years and I would sooner spend them in pursuit of knowledge, tangibility of the knowledge notwithstanding. The entire point is the pursuit of knowledge purely for personal growth and development. I have a computer lab which gives me so much joy. Even in the setbacks and frustrations when things break or fail, there is joy in fixing them and advancing my own skill.

    I feel capitalism wins when I succumb to watching too much television or movies; too much in the way of mindless entertainment. Mindless entertainment in the form of spectacle has been around for centuries. It’s merely changed forms over the millenia. The only people who benefit from spectacle are the ones you hand over your hard earned money to. Why not take that money and use it towards a hobby that is beneficial?

  • My Good Habit

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    Daily writing prompt
    What’s one habit that has improved your life the most?
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    A habit that has really improved my life is a commitment to life long learning through engagement in a hobby. For me, learning is a far better antidepressant than the ones that Big Pharma have come up with. My hobby is my home computer lab where I tinker, break things, and learn. While sometimes frustrating, this is all part of the learning experience and ultimately leads to a sense of accomplishment when a problem gets solved. I make it a part of my day to build, grow, and maintain my home lab.

    Learning is also a love as it truly has to be. I pity the people who only learn when it is a requirement; they lack hobbies or interests. The neat thing about learning opportunities is that they can be found in many places. I discovered the home lab hobby at one of my local libraries that has a technology center. I visited the technology center and saw what people were doing. The next thing I knew I was diving in head first into the next learning opportunity.

    I recommend more people try out a hobby that will help them grow and learn. Hobbies and interests that engage you will improve your life as they have my own.

  • Humble Pie Slice

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    As the old adage goes, last night I ate a rather prodigious slice of humble pie but I am laughing about it now. Sometimes when we teach ourselves how to do things over the years, we go down rabbit warrens and holes which are our areas of interest. This makes the learning somewhat random and unguided. As a result I ran into a really challenging networking concept that was made even more so by the simple fact that I had never even heard about it. The concept is called TCP offloading.

    In a nutshell, TCP offloading moves some of the TCP processing from the CPU to the actual network card. I think I should have heard about this but did not. Anyhow, it at least partially accounted for the very confounding reason why I could not remotely access my home lab server. I took a brief pause and I think I am about to have another serving of humble pie because I am back to not being able to reach my little tower again. Well, now it turns out the second time is a mismatched subnet mask. This was far simpler.

    I made it to work on time and I feel pretty good because I will be going to a higher paying job; not necessarily a better job but more money and weekly pay will help. Come on background check! Please complete soon. I want to get started on my next endeavor. OPS Security Group blows dawg and it’s time to get the fuck outta dodge. I am excited simply for making more money. I know the company I am going to won’t be any great shakes but the extra $800-$1000 is going to be very helpful.

  • Some Unexpectedly Good News

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    I’ve been applying to jobs so that I can get out from under OPS Security Group and all of the nonsense surrounding working for this fly-by-night security company. Yes, I am a security guard but I don’t honestly mind it anymore because I am unlearning the unhealthy ways I’ve been defining myself. I’ve been defining myself by what I do for a living. Well, I really no longer want to do this. I digress ….. I don’t know what possessed me to apply to a security company that twice rejected me but they had a lot of openings so I figured they’d be a little more open to me this time around.

    So I wasted no time at all in filling out the application. Lo and behold I was contacted for an AI interview about 30 minutes later. I completed the AI interview and an hour later I received a conditional offer letter of employment for a $22.00/hour security guard position. So simply taking the time to fill out the application netted me a $5.00/hour raise. Now I just have to wait for the background check completion and New Employee Orientation and OJT to be scheduled. I just cannot wait to be rid of OPS Security Group and its shenanigans. Those phockers can pound sand. It makes me angry that I’ve been so wantonly underpaid. It was a cruel joke and its got a definitive end in sight.

    After finishing out my weekday 4 hour shift at OPS, I stopped by Total Wireless at the recommendation of one of my Uber drivers. He wasn’t joking when he brought up what a great cell carrier it is. I got my sweetheart a Galaxy S25 FE for $199.99 and I chose a Moto G Stylus 2025 freebie. She needed something good and I’ve always had a good experience the Stylus. Last year’s model is no exception – it’s still quite impressive.

  • Feeling Cheerful

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    I am not certain why I feel so cheerful this morning other than I think that the low dose of Abilify combined with the Luvox is working quite well. Despite only about 5 hours of sleep, I feel pretty effective. I can always take a nap when I get home after my 4 hour shift. Yesterday I applied to Securitas and Kid Ridez. I am hoping that I hear something back from either or both of them. OPS is getting old and is a pain in the butt to deal with.

    I think I am in a world of hurt. I know I am very overdue on my electric bill and that has got to get paid come tomorrow. I will do it. I also have to get the cell phone situation worked out for Denisse and I. Denisse’s phone is hanging on by a thread and I have got to save us some money somehow. I am thinking the both of us are going to Total Wireless. They have the best offering right now that will get our monthly line expense down to $45 per line and I might be able to get an additional $15 off of my Verizon Fios line. I will also be able to cancel my Disney+ and Hulu subscription because it will be included with our plans.

    I have to remember that I have a therapy appointment this afternoon and I am looking forward to that as well. I rather enjoy being able to chat with Nan. The discussions prove fruitful and I like her very much. I always feel like my head is clearer after a session. It’s a feeling I rarely get with the coping skills. The coping skills are just that – coping. They help with distress tolerance and relief. While not insignificant, they only really help in the moment and not so much for the long term.

    Last night I feared that today was going to feel like a rough day so I was anxious and didn’t feel like tired. I finally went to bed at 12:30. I woke up feeling like things would be good today. And they really are going well so far. Surprisingly, I don’t feel foggy headed. Yes, I could use more sleep but I do feel good. I think this will last to some degree. At least I hope so.

    I want to spend more time looking for greener pastures in terms of employment. That will be the next phase. I think I will do that this morning because everything is stable with the home lab. Spending time on productive matters will help make me feel even better.