Black Cat Blog

I am feeling stressed and anxious this morning. Money is especially tight this month and it is making my anxiety very high. That and I am having to fight my health insurance company because they are not paying what they are supposed to be paying under the terms of Medicare Plan N and I just do not know how to fight them. I may have to forgo talk therapy this year until I can get on a Medicare Advantage plan. This is not going to do my mental health any justice whatsoever.

I briefly thought of going back to work full time but I nixed it because I don’t have a means of getting to and from work. The management trainee program that I considered applying to at Enterprise Rent a Car does not offer the take home car program. The take home car program is only for branch managers, not for assistant managers. So I would still be in the poor house. This was a sad disappointment.

I am between a rock and a hard place because even if I could go back to work, I cannot afford the transportation to and from work right now. I think I’ll just have to stay on disability for while longer. I am reminded that once in poverty, society makes it so much harder to climb out of it and I am at a loss for reasons why. You would think that it would be better to offer services to to get people out of poverty and help them be productive because it would be ultimately less expensive but society in the United States doses not work that way.

I am stressed out, frustrated, and sad. Jobs in IT right now are scarce and the economy isn’t real great right now where I live. I just don’t know what I am going to do other than to continue to trudge along collecting the miserly amount that I am on Social Security Disability. I don’t know what else to do. I am also angry at the system and angry at the Republicans. I am angry at my father who got scammed out of 78,000.00 when we warned him it was a scam and told him not to do it. Some of that money could have gotten me a car! It could have helped me get back on my feet.

All I want to do is sleep today away. I feel simply knocked out by life, like I have no bandwidth left at all. I want to do some studying of Red Hat Linux but I cannot muster the concentration so I am not even going to try. I think I am just going to ride these feelings out and maybe try later on today, possibly in the afternoon. But right now I am in no mood and forcing myself to do any work won’t do any good because I won’t retain any information.

Mornings are now getting much easier since my doctor added Topamax to my medication regimen. I am doing a lot better now and it is really cheering me up as I am normally cheery in the morning when I am doing well. When I am not doing well, I am grouchy in the morning. So things are really looking up and I am happy about that.

Topamax is not strictly an an antidepressant but instead it is commonly used to treat migraine headaches. However, it has an off-label use for people like myself with PTSD related nightmares. Topamax works beautifully to stop these nightmares and instead give me only very mild dreams so I wake up feeling rested and thus cheerful and positive. I feel ready to tackle the day.

I’m looking forward to chatting with Denisse again today and to studying my Red Hat material. I really want to make it my goal to be ready to sit for the Red Hat certification exam in November if possible. If I don’t have some sort of goal, I fear that I won’t commit to studying regularly. But I can make things open-ended so if I am not ready come November it won’t be the end of the world.

I had a fantastic time with Denisse. She’s a really good person and kind and compassionate. We got a lot done in a short period of time including moving her from Hanover, PA to New Castle, DE. All of this moving has not been easy on her and I have nothing but admiration for her courage and strength. What she has gone through would easily have broken me in half. Since strangers helped me out with a thousand dollar medication that I needed several years ago, I decided that it was time to pay back that kindness so I paid for a motel room for Denisse for two weeks in Delaware which was what I could afford.

I sincerely hope we can get her situated in a shelter and get her on the road towards stability soon. She’s not in an easy situation at all and I am finding myself missing her already even though it was just yesterday that our trip ended. I am going to see her again on Tuesday and spend the night with her. When I see her, we may run some more errands and go bowling and see Beetlejuice. I am already excited about it. I know she’s lonely as she doesn’t know anybody in Delaware so it is up to me to be reliable and be her rock. I like being her rock.

Being Denisse’s rock gives me a sense of purpose when I would otherwise feel none. Suffering from major depressive disorder is certainly not easy and having someone to care about, I’ve found, lifts the depression significantly. I’ve always wanted to be the guy that rescues a girl and this I figured was my chance. She rescued my heart in many ways too. I am feeling so many different feelings right now and it is kind of exciting.

I just want to be a good boyfriend to her. I want to be the man that is caring, compassionate, and kind. I want to be the boyfriend that she’s never had; one who’s not abusive in any way shape or form. I may make my share of mistakes and I may make her angry at some point but I will never do anything to harm her. I never want to do anything to harm her. I think I am in love.