I had a surprisingly rough day mentally yesterday. It all kind of took a nose dive when I found out from my good friend Jim that he had been laid off due to some kind of corporate restructuring. He said that his boss manager told him that it was nothing that he had done wrong. I originally wrote boss and scratched that out because we are our own bosses. Jim is my best friend so that was naturally a gut punch for me because I am an empath. And then I got into it with my manager.
My manager keeps asking me to stay later or pick up more hours. I am starting to stand up to him because this is getting to be a lot more than I bargained for and I am just learning to say, “No” without any guilt. I mean I am always polite about it but I am standing my ground. Well this has showed my manager’s true colors when he barked back at me via a text message which I simply summarily ignored. But my blood was boiling. I feel like the proverbial donkey with the stick and carrot. He keeps promising me things that just never appear and I am finished.
It feels like I am in a financial hole that I just cannot dig myself out of. It is like the sides of the hole are greased so each time I try, I fall back down. I cannot make it on the chump change that my security job is paying me. It is very frustrating. I realize that there are people worse off than myself and maybe a little gratitude is in order but I just don’t feel any. Why should I be grateful for scraps thrown at me in return for the exploitation of my mind and body? There is no dignity in forced work and Good Will Industries is wrong in their slogan about work.
I really wanted to attend the armed security class but it now might make more sense to simply start my Uber venture. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. I am stuck in indecision and I have Denisse and her Phlebotomy course on my mind. I want her to succeed and I am cheering her own. Believe me, I am cheering her on.
At least today’s shift will be pretty easy. I’ll be sitting at a loading dock for 4 hours. I’ll have to watch the loading dock cameras so that I can open/close the garage door for vendors coming to the building. This still leaves me with time to work on my laptop or phone. I wish I didn’t feel so depressed and anxious at the moment. It is amazing what THC does for me. I don’t have to use it everyday – once or twice a week – and I feel so much better than all of the Big Pharma crap being cooked up.
There are some days where I am scared that I’ll snap. However, I am reigned in by my love for Denisse. She reminds me silently that I no longer live for myself and that I live for the both of us. For the life of me, I don’t know how I’ve made it as long as I have. A shitty psychiatrist once attributed to some innate stubbornness that refuses to let me go. Well, that gave me a chuckle because he’s not incorrect.
Today the mission is just to make it through and to survive another day in this Trump World hellscape called America. I have a choice: I can become bitter and take it out on others or I can make some of this pressure turn coal into diamonds. I hate the expression because it is what the wealthy use as their stick and carrot for us donkeys.
At the very least, I like the site where I occasionally fill in because the people there are cool. They make it kind of fun and lighthearted. I admire their ability to remain cheery in spite of the stress of living in America. The energy that these fellow security guards give off makes it so that, at the end of the shift, I don’t feel tired, bitter, or angry.
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