This morning I am struggling quite a bit because life is a constant struggle. I feel the kind of tired that won’t be recouped by sleep. I woke up after only a few hours of sleep and just simply decided that I’ve had enough and it’s time to get up. That much said, the day already feels kind of heavy. This is going to be another week where my weekend won’t really be restful when it needs to be. Work is wearing me down because the job is active and requires being on your feet. In fact, this is probably the second most active security officer job that I have ever had. The first was being a mall security guard back in the 1990s.

I was also quite a bit younger back then. At almost 50, I would like something a lot simpler but simple often means less money and this is the most money I have ever earned working in unarmed security. As long as I can hold on to this job, I am not going to let go. At least the time seems to fly because I am generally busy with a variety of tasks and forget to watch the clock. However, walking around or standing on a hard cement floor is tiring.

The bottom line is that I need a vacation or more than 2 days off. I ended up taking off on the 15th just because I need a three day weekend. I need 3 days away from Allied Universal and the site that I am on. Fortunately, we have a part timer that willingly picked up the extra 8 hours. Yes, I don’t want to lose 8 hours but I am tired beyond all reason.

I am going to try to get my colonoscopy done then. I keep forgetting to call to make that appointment and it is because I really don’t want to do it. That much said, early detection can mean a cure. It is important to get this procedure done and over with.

I am feeling this incredible wave of sadness sweep over me. I know it is both chemical and situational. I feel sorry for myself, sad that I have not been better to Denisse, and I feel like giving up. It seems that life is throwing a lot of obstacles in my face. I just learned that I need to make an additional Lyft trip this week which really puts a dent into my earnings. I did not see this happening and it is just making me sigh and want to cry a lot. I am an awful human being and deserve the misery that I am getting from life. I 100% am responsible for what I’ve done.

This is a really potent sadness wave too! Yikes, I am sitting here and I feel like crying into my drink. I feel like a child trapped in an adult’s body and I still struggle with navigating life. I really don’t know how I am going to make it (or if I even will.) I don’t know why I feel so bad. I feel like I wouldn’t be upset if a bus or car were to hit me. The fact is I don’t matter really. I don’t understand the mental health campaign about “You matter.” Who do I matter to? The simple fact is that life in America is that I only matter if I can produce. I feel like I won’t be able to produce anymore.

The sadness wave has left me exhausted enough that I am falling asleep simply thinking. It never fails to affect me just how potent negative feelings are. They’re soul crushing and exhausting. I wish some of this could vanish. I wish things could get easier but they won’t. I’ll just have to keep trudging through life I guess.

I have been trying to stay away from businesses that might seem shady or seedy but there are two products that are always recession-proof: sex and food. The simple fact of the matter is that sex sells. So, I am thinking along the lines of the former because food is an impossibility for me right now. But there are plenty of opportunities for tasteful, elegant that produce good quality, imaginative, and innovative erotica. I might be able to make some money off of this. Sex sells and that is the bottom line.

So the wheels are turning in my head. I don’t want to give away too much because bots may scrape me and steal my idea but suffice it to say that I have a really good one. I am in the midst of converting it to an opportunity because it is actionable and realistic. I know that I’ll need some kind of trademark to protect the idea. I’ll also need copyright warnings left and right. I don’t know if this is original but I guess I’ll soon find out.

In ordinary times, I might never have thought about a business idea such as this but times have changed and so have I. I want to make a lot of money, make some people satisfied, and get out of the corporate rat race to the bottom. Nobody retires wealthy but working for somebody else all of their lives. They usually end up broke down and busted with health problems as a result of giving their minds and bodies completely over to an unrelenting system.

Also, in economic down times such as these, people become more depressed and even more likely to escape the impossibilities of life. Yes, I am capitalizing on this desire but there is no need to charge a fortune for something like this. The bottom line is that sex and pleasure sell.

I’m so angry that I am bordering on an autistic meltdown. I have this one co-worker that seems to take particular delight in ordering me around even though she is not a supervisor and has been told so. Now I am upset. I have everything the benefit of the doubt. Now, I reported this in the chain of command. I only hope I don’t lose my job. I feel like I could explode right now. I must keep it together. I have to. I cannot afford to come unglued.

If I become unglued, then the bitch wins. I’m not letting her win. I’m just going to go about my business calmly and rationally. Or as best as I can at any rate. It’s times like these that I know I need DBT therapy. The trouble is DBT is not quite available for folks on Medicare. Nobody in Delaware that does DBT accepts this insurance.

This blog is my coping skill right now. I need to get my thoughts out of my head and this is working. I don’t want this co-worker living rent free in my head anymore. I’m going to keep my eyes on the prize: self employment. The journey begins next week at the Delaware Department of Labor. I’m trying to be realistic here. It’s going to be awhile before I will earn enough to be independent of this security job that I have now. Patience is in order.

I’ve got to calm down. This isn’t good for my heart and circulatory system. I’m going to have a heart attack if I don’t figure out how to master this. I’m headed for a widowmaker if I don’t figure it out. But I’m determined not to die until I, at least, make the effort at business. I hope I can get approved by the DE Department of Labor so I can begin to break free.

I just have to make it to August 26th and my meeting. I can do that. Hell, I can make it to tomorrow. Staff meeting tomorrow will give us pizza. I’ll get an hour of overtime as well.

Throughout my life I have always defined myself by what I did for a living. I think I mostly did this because that’s what society does. We judge people based on what they do to earn money. I am struggling to unlearn defining myself by what I do for a living. It does not matter that I work as a security guard and not in information technology. All that matters is that I show up on time do my job reasonably well and get compensated for it. I will define myself by my passions, my interests, and my personality not by what I do for a living.

I guess my self-esteem is always been that low that I’ve always had to define myself based on what I do and when I have not been working in information technology I felt like a failure. I have to get over this feeling because the likelihood of me getting back into a technology based career is not real high at 50 years old. But simply because I don’t work in information technology does not mean that I cannot continue to enjoy it. Arguably I like it more now that I don’t have to do it for a living. I don’t really know because it just seems like I’m not happy no matter what I do. I hate my professional life when it is in information technology. I hate my professional life when I’m not working professionally.

So if I am working on defining myself I am a motorcyclist, a traveler, and experimenter. I am someone with deep-seated passions. I just wish I did not have significant mental and developmental challenges. I wish I were more normal functioning. Autism is kind of a mixed blessing. On one hand I am grateful for the additional intelligence that I have but it seems like that was traded for struggling with what should be common sense for most people.

Right now everything is overwhelming me from a sensory perspective. I wish I had some silence or at least something to drown out the noise of the world. I am being “barebacked” by 2 people. Barebacking is playing your cell phone out loud without using headphones or earphones. All this is just too much and it is making me angry.

I really have to try not to explode here. Babies crying, cell phones playing, bad elevator music. All just too damn much. I need to save for a good quality pair of over-the-ear noise cancelling headphones. Something from JBL or to that effect. I need to tone down the over-stimulation somehow. Everything feels like nails to a chalkboard.

Every little thing definitely did bother me today. I just want to go ballistic with anger. But if I do that I’m going to end up in the nearest jail and/or prison. I desperately need an outlet for my talents. I would like to be able to do something better than simply be a security guard. But on the other hand I know that being a security guard is a nice simple job. My job ends when I clock out and that is not always the case with information technology.

I wonder what teaching is going to do. I wonder if I will enjoy teaching information technology to recent high School grads or even high school juniors and seniors. Will they have the passion that I have? I guess only time will tell. But teaching is the only career that I could really do that would afford me experimentation with information technology and to still earn a living at it. Most IT jobs don’t want you to experiment because they need the infrastructure reliable and predictable. But when it is treated as an academic problem, the room for innovation vastly grows and the room for experimentation also grows alongside. If I could find some people that are also interested in computers and experimenting with them, I might have something.

Yes as the title reads, I am really sick and tired of my life. There’s nothing easy about it and everything is a 10-yard fight. I’ve had enough. At least, I don’t have to work for ops security any longer. I had a surprise inspection and the person doing the inspection took my uniform shirts and I am so grateful for that because I don’t want to deal with them. I really don’t know how I am going to make my life better other than to try and have my own business. But that is easier said than done as everybody knows.

At least I will have the next 3 days off. I really need them as I am just super exhausted. It is really difficult to keep switching shifts around and it’s exhausting when my bio rhythms keep getting thrown off. It means that I am not sleeping well and I am probably not eating very well either. I had the unfortunate misery of discovering that I have to work an extra hour today. My manager basically said oops I forgot to tell you. What the actual fresh hell?! How do you forget to tell someone that they will be working an extra hour? I just don’t know the answer to that but it confirms that I’ve made the right choice to move on to a new company.

I just hope that my experience at Allied universal will be okay. I know that it’s not going to be great but I hope it will not be terrible either I just want my new security guard job simply be manageable I hope that this is not asking too much. I wonder when I should start really putting in the effort in earnest towards starting a business. One school of thinking has that if you don’t start now and you don’t get into it you never will. Another school suggests that you should only really do it when you are ready financially emotionally mentally etc