It is brutal cold! It’s the kind of cold where even the sun burns cold. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I’d be living on that icy planet Hoth. I went to the library and I was not productive at all. I couldn’t focus on anything other than my own personal woes. I did manage to get my blog somewhat more secured behind a proxy server and it took a while because my concentration level was that piss poor. I really just want to be able to take something like fentanyl and let myself drift away. But nothing good will come of that; quite the reverse actually.
What’s a man to do if he has ideas and goals but is otherwise unable to follow through? This is why I feel like I am failing my legacy, a legacy of successful businessmen. I suppose these feelings are contributing to some of the exhaustion because that is depression in a nutshell. It makes everything ten times harder. Even things I normally enjoy are hard and I find excuses not to do them.
I just realized today is the last day of January and I have little to nothing to show for it other than ideas, lost opportunities, and expensive realities. I guess I am trying to think of how February could be better but I am just not seeing it. I want to crawl into bed and sleep. I want to retreat from this bone-chilling cold and depression. I wish I had a hot fire to curl up next to and fall into a deep sleep – but I don’t.
Well, maybe there’s some promise of tomorrow and being able to concentrate on what I had in my mind. It’s good to have goals and it is good to want. I guess I need to carve out some time to at least watch one video or make it through one unit of the class that I intended on taking. I have to tell myself that even one hour is a form of success. Each time I tried to get to the learning management system of edX, I found myself distracted by something else.