I am feeling like absolute trash. I am exhausted both mentally and physically. Too much has happened today. This is supposed to be one of my days off but it was mentally taxing. I went through the gamut of emotions today from extreme anxiety to fear of uncertainty and seemingly everything in between. I doubt I’ll be up for much longer as I really just want to go to sleep for the night but I can’t because I will just be awake early only to potentially have a repeat of today, tomorrow. Adulting sure is not easy and I wish I desperately that it could be. What I need is a Delta-9 gummy. Absent of that, I am just going to turn on some new age music and relax.

This upcoming work week is going to be long and tiring. I just have to make it to Wednesday for my appointment at the Department of Labor. I want to get the ball rolling on my computer teaching business and this is the first step and an important one. It’s going to be that step towards self-employment and more independence. Being autistic in the workplace has become overwhelmingly difficult, even for security jobs. I guess the days of having a simple job are just about over. I would be willing to do landscaping, but even that I guess is not going to be a good fit for someone like me.

I wish I was not experiencing all of these emotions right now. I wish I was feeling good and relaxed but I am not. I am ready to cry because of the stress.

This morning I am feeling a lot of mixed emotions and I am having racing thoughts. I am trying to calm them down so I put my headphones on and I am going to listen to some new age music written by Kitaro, a Japanese musician. I found listening to Kitaro after work helped me to calm down significantly. I feel excitement, fear, and maybe a little anger all at once. I am naturally excited to meet my mentor to help get a small business started. I thought I was feeling optimism but I think I am just more excited about trying something new.

At the same time that I feel excited, I also feel fear because of uncertainty and fear of failure. I still have failure in mind as a negative. In the context of business, failure is not negative but a learning experience. All entrepreneurs meet with some failure and success is never a linear progression; always ups, downs, and setbacks. I think the first step is to come up with some sort of business plan and get the ideas swirling in my head onto paper. I’d like to convert these ideas to opportunities.

I also feel a lot of anger and it is quite possibly self-directed. I am angry at myself for being so intractable when I tried to start businesses before in the past. I always just tried to do something in IT but it was a folly. The managed service provider space is really crowded. It’s a shame that it took a mental health inpatient experience to have an epiphany about what it really is that I want to do: teach and mold the next generation of IT pros.

While I was inpatient, the idea came to me in a flash and it seemed exciting but I was dominated by fear of getting started. I was afraid of failing yet again. Now here we are 8 months later and I am taking an actionable first step. I have to create a to-do list. I think if I did this, it might stop some of the swirling thoughts.

As I get older, I appreciate the comforts of home more and more. My desire for wild adventure is calmed down. I really like relaxing, watching TV, and doing fun computer stuff. I don’t really like going out and about much anymore. I think it is because I don’t own a car so going places is an exercise in challenges.

I find I need the time to recharge and relax. It’s tiring and challenging having to work at passing for neurotypical. When I am home, I am free to be me. I like that sense of freedom. I don’t know that I am introverted but I’m definitely exhausted by too much stimulation. I had a lot of it the past two days.

Alas I do not expect that things will get easier. It looks like they might get harder. But at least autumn is around the corner. We’re getting into my favorite time of year. I love from Halloween to Thanksgiving. I don’t like the Christmas and New Year’s season. It’s wrought with too much sadness and disappointment.

At least times have been better because I have a wonderful woman in my life. I need to start thinking about saving for our wedding. We need to make some plans.

I feel thoroughly exhausted and defeated. I am not sure how I am going to make it through to the end of this year. Part of me wishes that I would get hit by a car or lightning to strike me so Denisse could get a payout from Social Security. I am frustrated because I am having difficulty providing for her and I’m failing in every possible way. I did not get much in the way of rest on my days off. I went to see my mom at Summit Place on Wednesday. Then yesterday I took a bus trip to Baltimore to look at a car and that trip was a bust. I mean an utter bust.

I feel like everything in life is a 10 yard fight and it does not have to be that way. Now I am back at work and all I want to do is call out. I don’t even mind the job that much but I am tired and my head is not in the game. I am just not in a good head space. As much as I hate the expression, “Snap out of it!” I am feeling like this is something I have to do to get buy.

I already know today is going to be a day where my autism symptoms will be worse. My anxiety is already elevated because my new job screwed up my pay so badly. I am missing 3 pay checks! I filled out the direct deposit form at new employee orientation and they messed up. That gave me a shit load of extra stress this morning. I just don’t want to snap. I do need to function.

Now that I am finally getting used to my new job, I like it and, for the most part, my colleagues. It was a good week but still tiring because of the adjustment. I am looking forward to my new pay amount and having a little more money with which to be able to do some things like have a car to make getting to and from work easier. In fact, on Thursday, I am going to be rolling down to Ownings Mills, Maryland to look at a Chevy Bolt EUV LT. It’s in a really cool electric blue kind of color and is decently equipped. The two downsides are that it was owned by 2 people and was in a non-structural accident. However, the balance of the warranty is still in effect so I should still be good to go on that front.

The big thing will be convincing a bank to lend me the money to make this happen. That may be hard because my credit is trash. Hell, my financial life is trash but that is a story for another day. I hope that I can convince the dealership to allow me to make the down payment in two payments. That also might be challenging. I also have to ask about the warranty because I am not driving something that has no basic warranty.

I went to see my mom at her memory care facility today and I was absolutely shocked at what I saw. Let me caveat what I am about to say by stating that this does not look like the facility’s fault. My mom is looking frail and should not be walking anymore because her alzheimers has progressed to the point where it is unsafe and she is tripping over her own feet. When I got to the facility, I was shocked because I didn’t even recognize my own mother. The light seems to have dimmed in her eyes and she’s looking very sad and resigned. Mom did recognize me right away and smiled and cried that I had come to visit her. Still very sad nonetheless.

The emotional day was too much so I slept from 4:30PM to 6:45PM. I hit REM because I had some very numerous and confusing dreams. I awoke feeling somewhat disoriented and out of it. But I do feel rested now.

Yesterday I connected with my Vocational Rehabilitation counselor, Becca. I had originally intended to go to the Department of Labor (DVR in Delaware falls under DoL) only to pick up bus passes for my fiancee. However, I bumped into Becca, and asked her if we could meet. I was glad that to learn that she had some appointments cancel and we could meet. I know that I have to rethink my direction in life; even menial jobs working for somebody else are becoming impossibly difficult for me to perform. I asked her about small business opportunities and assistance for people with Autism. I was surprised to learn that DVR does have a program for such a path. Even more so, I felt happy like I might have help with an escape from the pit of despair that I am in.

It turns out that my new job is materially worse than my previous one. The only better part about it is the $22 per hour pay rate but the rest of it is an exercise in impossibility for me. I do not multitask very well at all and those demands are being placed on me. Since it’s just too much and I’ve come to realize that the work place has just fundamentally changed. More and more is being expected of fewer and fewer people. I am just not that competitive anymore. So it’s time to take the small business route and look into those resources.

I am strongly thinking about opening my own IT Training Academy that will teach high school kids and post high school adults. I am thinking that we will do everything from teaching basic computer use up through career preparation with a smattering of my own curriculum mixed in. Since I already have my LLC formed, I’ll just operate it under the Avvira Global name or possibly another. That’s just for a bit further down the pike. I think I would like to teach simply because there is a bit less pressure and we can explore all kinds of rabbit holes. My plan of course would be to eventually not do the teaching role and hire folks to do it for me. I don’t know how feasible this is but that will be for a program to tell me and not for me to decide.

I could also revisit the drop shipping business I have in mind to run called SwagHarbour. The idea is that I would do logo merchandise and corporate brand identity-related things. I have some thoughts here like custom designed merchandise but there are a lot of other folks doing this and how do I build a brand here. I’d just be another e-commerce shop in a sea floating with them. I couldn’t compete on price but maybe customer experience? I don’t know really.

I don’t think I would enjoy this as much because I really want to eat, sleep, and breathe technology. As stupid as the previous phrase sounds, I am happiest when doing what I love. I love to experiment, tinker, and teach others how to do so. Computers can be fun when you can experiment with them. I actually envision a comprehensive teaching for high school students that does a lot more than simply career prep. It will give a strong theoretical background and delve into a lot of the topics often glossed over in many other career prep curricula.

Maybe if I can keep this in the forefront of my mind, I will feel better because I won’t feel stuck and full of worry. I know there is still stress in being an entrepreneur but it’s a different kind. I am done trying to interpret expectations and unwritten rules of the workplace. Most workplaces are so unfriendly to people with disabilities like myself. Also, I want to build a business that elevates my community and another e-commerce business does not. I know I will eventually need a brick and mortar location to pull this business off.