Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

Category: Mental Health

  • Feel Like I’m In A Hole

    I feel like I’m in this hole that I just cannot get out of. It feels like life is simply kicking me around and laughing at me. I knew I should not have gotten excited about the Allied Universal job offer because it was still putting the cart before the horse. My background check completed and I was supposed to find out when I would be scheduled for New Employee Orientation. That hasn’t quite happened yet and I am concerned. I need the significant increase in money that the position would bring.

    I was so concerned that I threw my hat in the ring for another security position elsewhere. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be welcome at my present one. On February 18th of next year, I will be with them 2 years. I’d really like not to feel as if I am trapped at OPS Security Group. I would like there to be options. Perhaps tomorrow, I will receive the notification with the New Employee Orientation date and time. I am trying not to overthink everything.

    I am very tired and feeling just down in the dumps. I need a break from this situation. I just have to remain hopeful.

  • High Anxiety Morning

    I’m having a bit of a high anxiety morning and I do not really know why because typically a dose of THC does much to alleviate this. So this must be situational anxiety rather than chemical. I received an offer letter from Allied Universal for a security officer and I completed the background check and drug test agreements. I was supposed to get an email after the background check completed so that I could schedule a new employee orientation. This has not come and I need this job so my anxiety is high.

    Not even being in my home lab has done much to alleviate the anxiety. I managed to fix a problem with zero down time and zero data loss. That in of itself was an achievement. At least I am still good at one thing: computers and networks. And I am just good … not an expert by any means. Working on a home lab has taught me just how much more I need to teach myself. 😆

    So I have to figure out how to bring my anxiety down somewhat. I figure that if I tell myself that this is something I cannot control that I can relax a bit. On Monday, I will call the local branch office of Allied Universal and figure out what the next steps are. Sometimes a little bit of proactivity goes a long way. The office local to where I live is Claymont, Delaware. It’s a quick and easy bus ride to the New Employee Orientation.

    I really need this new job! I need to get out from under the present disaster I am in. Ugh! It’s putting me on edge every time I walk in to work on the weekdays. I rather like the weekends because I rarely deal with anyone. I simply work.

  • An Animal For A Week

    Daily writing prompt
    If you had to be an animal for a week, which one would you be and why?
    View all responses

    This particular writing prompt spoke to me from both an interest and a mental health stand point. I have to admit that it kind of made me smile. Anyhow, if I had to be an animal for one week I would like to be a cat. I think my blog kind of gave that one way though. While I certainly neither have the dexterity nor the survival aptitude that a cat has, I have always considered myself cat-like when it comes to certain behaviors, tolerances, and daily living.

    Let me begin by stating that I am on the autistic spectrum and I have ADHD. So the unofficial lingo is that I am AuHD. I am very sensitive to sounds, noises, smells, and general environmental stimuli. Cats are also this way, and in fact, it is generally believed by experts that our house cats’ paws are so sensitive that they can detect an earth quake coming. Their sense of smell and hearing are vastly better than our own. So much like a cat, I can become easily overwhelmed by environmental stimuli. When this happens, I feel the need to escape and escape quickly or clamp my hands over my ears; anything to reduce this overwhelming sensation.

    Cats are also highly intelligent animals. They learn from their environment very quickly and I tend to do much the same. I love their fierce sense of independence and the way they form bonds. Since cats lean towards independence, when they form bonds they are psychologically very strong and hence devastating when they break. It took me several years after my engagement fell through before I could begin seriously dating again. When my engagement never happened, I was seriously bereft.

    Cats mourn loss deeply and privately to avoid predation. In the face of loss and grieving, sometimes I retreat as well. I get cats and they get me. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t a feline in a previous life if such a thing were even possible in the first place.

  • Humble Pie Slice

    As the old adage goes, last night I ate a rather prodigious slice of humble pie but I am laughing about it now. Sometimes when we teach ourselves how to do things over the years, we go down rabbit warrens and holes which are our areas of interest. This makes the learning somewhat random and unguided. As a result I ran into a really challenging networking concept that was made even more so by the simple fact that I had never even heard about it. The concept is called TCP offloading.

    In a nutshell, TCP offloading moves some of the TCP processing from the CPU to the actual network card. I think I should have heard about this but did not. Anyhow, it at least partially accounted for the very confounding reason why I could not remotely access my home lab server. I took a brief pause and I think I am about to have another serving of humble pie because I am back to not being able to reach my little tower again. Well, now it turns out the second time is a mismatched subnet mask. This was far simpler.

    I made it to work on time and I feel pretty good because I will be going to a higher paying job; not necessarily a better job but more money and weekly pay will help. Come on background check! Please complete soon. I want to get started on my next endeavor. OPS Security Group blows dawg and it’s time to get the fuck outta dodge. I am excited simply for making more money. I know the company I am going to won’t be any great shakes but the extra $800-$1000 is going to be very helpful.

  • Some Unexpectedly Good News

    I’ve been applying to jobs so that I can get out from under OPS Security Group and all of the nonsense surrounding working for this fly-by-night security company. Yes, I am a security guard but I don’t honestly mind it anymore because I am unlearning the unhealthy ways I’ve been defining myself. I’ve been defining myself by what I do for a living. Well, I really no longer want to do this. I digress ….. I don’t know what possessed me to apply to a security company that twice rejected me but they had a lot of openings so I figured they’d be a little more open to me this time around.

    So I wasted no time at all in filling out the application. Lo and behold I was contacted for an AI interview about 30 minutes later. I completed the AI interview and an hour later I received a conditional offer letter of employment for a $22.00/hour security guard position. So simply taking the time to fill out the application netted me a $5.00/hour raise. Now I just have to wait for the background check completion and New Employee Orientation and OJT to be scheduled. I just cannot wait to be rid of OPS Security Group and its shenanigans. Those phockers can pound sand. It makes me angry that I’ve been so wantonly underpaid. It was a cruel joke and its got a definitive end in sight.

    After finishing out my weekday 4 hour shift at OPS, I stopped by Total Wireless at the recommendation of one of my Uber drivers. He wasn’t joking when he brought up what a great cell carrier it is. I got my sweetheart a Galaxy S25 FE for $199.99 and I chose a Moto G Stylus 2025 freebie. She needed something good and I’ve always had a good experience the Stylus. Last year’s model is no exception – it’s still quite impressive.

  • Feeling Cheerful

    I am not certain why I feel so cheerful this morning other than I think that the low dose of Abilify combined with the Luvox is working quite well. Despite only about 5 hours of sleep, I feel pretty effective. I can always take a nap when I get home after my 4 hour shift. Yesterday I applied to Securitas and Kid Ridez. I am hoping that I hear something back from either or both of them. OPS is getting old and is a pain in the butt to deal with.

    I think I am in a world of hurt. I know I am very overdue on my electric bill and that has got to get paid come tomorrow. I will do it. I also have to get the cell phone situation worked out for Denisse and I. Denisse’s phone is hanging on by a thread and I have got to save us some money somehow. I am thinking the both of us are going to Total Wireless. They have the best offering right now that will get our monthly line expense down to $45 per line and I might be able to get an additional $15 off of my Verizon Fios line. I will also be able to cancel my Disney+ and Hulu subscription because it will be included with our plans.

    I have to remember that I have a therapy appointment this afternoon and I am looking forward to that as well. I rather enjoy being able to chat with Nan. The discussions prove fruitful and I like her very much. I always feel like my head is clearer after a session. It’s a feeling I rarely get with the coping skills. The coping skills are just that – coping. They help with distress tolerance and relief. While not insignificant, they only really help in the moment and not so much for the long term.

    Last night I feared that today was going to feel like a rough day so I was anxious and didn’t feel like tired. I finally went to bed at 12:30. I woke up feeling like things would be good today. And they really are going well so far. Surprisingly, I don’t feel foggy headed. Yes, I could use more sleep but I do feel good. I think this will last to some degree. At least I hope so.

    I want to spend more time looking for greener pastures in terms of employment. That will be the next phase. I think I will do that this morning because everything is stable with the home lab. Spending time on productive matters will help make me feel even better.

  • Today’s Plan

    I think I have a good plan for today. After work I am going to see about working for Securitas in a hospital position that they have advertised or whatever else they may have. It’s time for me to make a change in employment. OPS has really changed their attitude towards me and have become less accommodating and friendly. The change is delicate balance between subtle and overt. I guess that’s the best way to describe it. My colleagues and supervisor have become less friendly and more distant towards me. That’s a sign that I have worn out my welcome at OPS and it is time to move on.

    Then this afternoon I am going to give Kid Ridez a call about being a van driver for them. The pay is good at $21.50 per hour and the hours look to be okay. Plus, it is a Monday through Friday position. This I could like and I could lessen my dependence on OPS for a paycheck or maybe leave altogether. I don’t know just yet but we will see what comes down the pike. All I know is that it is time to be proactive instead of purely reactive. Also, I don’t really want to work 7 days a week if it can be avoided.

    I even brought a change of clothes with me so I am ready to go come 11:00am today. I know at my age I do not care much for change. I like routine and predictability. Presently, a routine is difficult to establish because my job hours are all over the place. The idea is to make things easier on my mental state. I figure if I can do that, life will get easier and better.

    Just before I get home in the early afternoon, I have to make a stop at the Department of Labor. This is one fight that I am looking forward to. OPS denied me overtime pay for July 4th because I took vacation time on July 5th. There is nothing in their handbook allowing this or stating this. Instead of fight it, I listened to what the district manager had to say and basically stated that I understood. Now, I’ll take it to labor and file an official complaint. I’m not going to jump through hoops with a company already looking to can me. This will be fun because I may even get a percentage of the penalties and fines assessed to my employer. That would be a nice little windfall to go towards my wedding. I love my baby girl very much. When I say she’s the best, I truly mean it.

  • Today’s Thoughts

    It’s taken a bit of time but I finally have my home lab the way I want it so I think I can quit think I can quit tinkering. I have one final and small problem to deal with – remote access VPN. It’s still not working 100% but I can use ssh as a workaround so I will. But emails are working and so are the web and app servers. I can call this a 99% victory. I might want to figure out some cloud backup scheme but I don’t really use the cloud anymore and don’t want to go back to it.

    I have to go to work today and I really don’t want to. I don’t feel like making Daniel Costa, the owner of the company I work for, wealthier. He’s already a multi-millionaire and yet somehow pays us less than the average wage. The good news, however, is that next week I will be going to a competitor to apply and hopefully get hired. I will also be looking outside of the security field. I’ve got a lead on a driving job Monday through Friday that pays $4.00 per hour more than I am presently earning. I might keep the weekend shift that I have though.

    Despite feeling somewhat tired, I am in a pleasant state of mind and pretty much ready for whatever life throws at me today. I have to figure out what I will be doing while at work to pass the time. Maybe I will write an article on my tech blog, The TCP/IP Guy. That would be kind of fun. I’ll write an article on IPv6 or WireGuard. I don’t really know just yet. I might even set myself up to watch some shows to pass the time.

  • Feel Like Giving Up

    I feel like giving up this foolish escapade to write a book. I say it’s foolish because I seem to keep on restarting and starting over but getting nowhere at all and learning nothing. Perhaps I wasn’t meant to write a book. Perhaps I should focus my efforts more on video content creation teaching people about networking and systems administration through building computer labs. Maybe it would be more interesting and engaging through recorded content. It will be something that maybe I need to explore.

    I know blogging is kind of falling out of style where as vlogging and short video content is growing in demand. The kids want to learn these days but they want to learn in ways that they know is best to them. Many don’t learn that well from written content and learn much more effectively from short form video content. Is it something that I deign to try? I don’t really know.

  • Days Off

    It is so nice to have some badly needed days off. I managed to get my home lab segmented off from the rest of the home network which I wanted to do for security and privacy. That way if I have guests and they bring their devices, I don’t have to worry as much about viruses. I got that achieved despite it being a pain in the ass. Well, okay, it’s mostly achieved as I still do not understand why my industrial grade OPNsense router is not properly routing WireGuard tunnels but that is troubleshooting for another day. Everything else works including my blog, email, and Mastodon. I am good to go.

    Now I am just chilling with Denisse on the couch and doing my semi-daily blog entry. I did a gummy last night and I am still feeling no pain from it. I love the relaxed, no-care, and emotional pain-free feeling. Everything in my life, save for Denisse, is utter shit right now and I am oddly okay with it. I say oddly because it’s not exactly normal to feel okay about a shit situation. Well, acceptance of things you cannot change is good I guess.

    I am getting Denisse’s birthday gift early this year. I’m buying her a Samsung Galaxy S25 for her 50th. But since things like color and case need to be picked out, it’s something that she should really be involved in. I can deal with having the shitty phone for a bit. She deserves something nice. I also feel good about being able to do something nice for her.