Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

Category: Mental Health

  • I Am Rubbish

    Tonight I am feeling like rubbish; the sum total of my life amounting to worse than simply nothing at all but actually loss. I feel like I would like to do more but I don’t know why I should even make the effort. Well this weekend I will be at work and maybe I can try working on this book on home labbing in the style that my therapist has suggested, like I am writing letters to students. I think I will also spend some time looking for more meaningful employment. I think I feel like rubbish because I hate being a security guard just that much.

    If I could work on the first piece of foundational information which is a crash course in applied network engineering, I think I’ll be happy. My goal is 500-1000 words. I like goals that are ranges. I’d feel a sense of accomplishment simply at 500 words and 1000 words will be incredible. I think the first chapter will be Applied Network Engineering 101. I am already starting to think the contents. We will discuss like what an IP address is, routing, switching, and other stuff. We won’t go heavy into the theory because the idea is having fun here and learning by doing.

    Home labbing is about building local area networks, wide area networks, VPS, network attached storage systems, web servers, application servers and more. It’s about enterprise features on a much smaller scale to learn a lot I guess. I just hope I have it in me to write something like this. I think if I can do this a little bit at a time without getting overwhelmed it could be a possibility. That’s the trick here because I am feeling like I could get overwhelmed easily and then I remember how my fiancee has summoned some serious courage and fortitude to go back to school for phlebotomy. I can do this or so I think.

    I just need to see myself as more than rubbish. I feel like I could just be tossed out and the world will not honestly miss me that much and it hurts a lot. I mean it hurts a lot. I always wanted my life to mean more and do more and it saddens me that it won’t happen. I felt like a lot of false hope was just built up in me throughout my life.

  • Setting My Mind To A Goal

    Some of my readers that have been following me since the New Year and to write as close to everyday as possible would be impressed by the fact that I have done this. Rarely has what I’ve been about to say representative of my finest hours because this year has been the worst of many. But even in darkness, there can be light and I have averaged one post a day. I know there have been a couple of days when I wrote two or more times and those balanced out the days I could not muster the energy.

    I had mentioned before that I am actively reconsidering writing a book that I had discussed with my therapist. I realized I had been way too harsh on myself and did not follow her guidance. So I have an activity while at work this weekend. Nan had an absolute lightning bolt of genius when she suggested that I write this book like a series of letters to help break down some of the “writer’s block” and adopt the professorial voice that I am desiring to have. I have nothing to lose whatsoever, really so I will give this a try and follow her suggestions.

    I am thinking that this might give me an appropriate outlet for my hobbies and help spread them. After all, a hobby is only as good as getting more people into it to replace the attrition. Is it me or is the border between hobby and cult a thin one? Relax, relax … I say that in jest. Anyhow, I digress – I am going to write this book for the new and aspiring computer home lab guru. It is a new and up-in-coming hobby that previously was more underground niche. More and more people are starting to get curious. Perhaps this is the beginning of something exciting.

  • A Sleepless Night

    Last night was quite unpleasant. It was another sleepless night. I really needed three days off but my boss contacted me about covering a four hour shift on Thursday and then I would have Friday off. I need the money and I am in no shape to turn opportunities down. This isn’t much fun but it costs money to live and the elites would have it no other way. Life feels like an unending punishment.

    Last night I think I brought back my Mastodon and WordPress instances back from the dead. Well, I know I brought back my WordPress instance. I am not so sure about Mastodon. The database might have gotten corrupted while I was doing a few things and I stupidly neglected to take a backup of the damn thing. Well, I seem to keep learning this lesson over, so yes, this is stupidity at this point.

    I don’t know quite how today is going to play out other than that I will be spending another 4 hours guarding a dock door when I am rather capable of so much more. This also frustrates me very much.

  • Learned Something

    Abilify is making a big difference in my life. It’s not miraculous by any means but I am doing better. However I learned that I cannot take it at night because it is activating. I wake up at 4:00am all ready to rock and roll. By 2:00pm, I’m falling asleep. So yeah, I’m going to try it as a morning med instead.

    Another day in the coal mines is upon me but I don’t necessarily care because I am doing what I must. I feel better than I did last night when I was all salty and morose. I’m in better spirits and feel a better sense of hope; at least for today. My goal is living in the present. I’m asking myself what my needs are to make today happen. That’s the most important question and thought.

    Looking beyond today will merely overwhelm and sadden me. Once I have a better handle on my depression, I can begin to be more forward looking. For now, a life in the present is a life well lived.

  • I’m Pissed Off

    I don’t know why but I’m exceptionally angry this evening so I’m doing some additional writing to externalize the thoughts. I feel like a victim and I’m simultaneously angry and depressed about this. I feel like no matter what I do I just get knocked around by life. I had my hours cut at work and I’m wondering what will be next. I feel like I’m being exploited as I’m being paid a whopping $17 per hour. This is two dollars an hour over minimum wage in a medium cost of living area.

    The conservatives would tell me to get another job while they’re stealing money left and right with a cigar hanging out of their mouths and sipping on expensive liquor that I’ll never afford. I don’t know if this is capitalism, corruption, or both. I personally think America is too late to be saved. Tomorrow I go to work to earn the miserly sum of money. I’m nothing more than a whore for my employer. I have a fully incorporated pimp. The irony is not lost on me.

    I’m tired but sleep does not restore me. My two hobbies no longer give me satisfaction. I feel like a machine of anger and despair. I’m too chicken to off myself. I’m also chicken for wanting to go to sleep and not wake up. I don’t see a path forward. Today I lost sight of living for today. Perhaps I will regain this tomorrow.

  • To The Salt Mines

    Today begins a 7 day streak of work. While I am not thrilled about it, I will manage. At least during the week, I am only working 4 hour shifts. That makes things much more manageable. Today I shall live in the present as I did yesterday. I will enjoy the challenges that Linux and BSD provide.

    I would like to look for work right now. It’s something I want to do but I’ll end up doing it passively because the grass is not greener on the other side. The schedule I have now works despite not quite being ideal. At least work is easy enough.

    This morning I want to get my private cloud going. I had time this morning to install the operating system and I chose Alpine Linux for its small, efficient footprint. I’m finding that there is an ideal Linux distribution for just about every scenario. The only 2 Linux distributions that I dislike are Ubuntu and Mint. They’ve been as troublesome as Windows.

  • I Am Doing Better

    I have been on a low dose of Abilify now for a couple of days and I am doing better. I didn’t realize how tired my depression was making me. For the second day in a row now I have no needed extra sleep. I won’t use the word hope just yet. I have to see how things pan out over a 30 day period. I need some time to be convinced that this is not a placebo effect.

    I’m going to be working for the next 7 days straight but I am not finding myself that much bothered. Of course I say this now but let’s see how this actually plays out. I did a good job living in the present and not thinking of the future. This is exactly the headspace that I needed to be in and I will take this win.

    I even managed to finally get my fully virtualized network and VMs done. I realized ChatGPT was the enemy of this endeavor. I just did plain old Duck Duck Go searches this time to separate the wheat and chaff on my own. Lo and behold I found the answers I was looking for. AI is really not good for very much. Nothing beats good research and critical thinking.

    I realized I needed a virtual network for my home lab to exist on so I’m not breaking shit for poor Denisse. Part of that challenge was the fact that Verizon gave me this shitty router that I had to work around. I also wanted features like an internal DNS server for my home lab so that I don’t have to assign IP addresses to the VMs. All I have to do is let DHCP do its thing and the names get registered with DNS. This makes management easier.

    I really like dnsmasq. It makes DNS and DHCP easy. It’s had a somewhat dubious security history but it is healthy now and it’s mature software. It works well for virtual networks like mine. Now that all of this is done, I can spend some time spinning up a private cloud VM. At least the tinkering is done. The network is finalized.

  • Mourning The Loss of a Dream

    I’m mourning the loss of my dream to one day have land in the mountains. I think I have come to the sad realization that I won’t be climbing out of poverty. I’m thinking the coming years are only going to be increasingly difficult. I fear that my life is going to be one of survival. Perhaps I’ve accepted this. But that doesn’t mean I cannot create new and very practical dreams.

    Since my prescriber has added Abilify to my regimen, I’m doing mentally better. Instead of feeling like I could break down and cry, I feel like I honestly could create new dreams that will be every bit as good and more achievable. I wonder what the coming days will bring. I know I’ll be in survival mode for a while because the economy is bad. I’m fortunate enough to even have this low end job. Service jobs are even hard to get!

    For the time being, I’m trying to live in the present, go to work, and do what I love which is working on my home lab. I’m not going to think more than a few days ahead. This is still living in the present. I feel good when given a good mental challenge and task.

    The next mission is to setup a private cloud with Nextcloud!

  • The Positive Trend Continues

    It looks like the positive trend is continuing because I woke up and felt like smiling. I cannot say that I have felt like this in many, many weeks. Even this low dose of Abilify at only 2mg seems to be augmenting the Fluvoxamine antidepressant that I am on. I hope that the trend at least continues. I am on a low dose so I hope that the risk of tardive dyskinesia is low. That’s what happened to me on on the higher dosages, those at 5mg and above. I had some uncontrolled facial movements. I think I just want enough to work even minimally.

    Last week was one of the worst weeks I have had in a while. I am happy it is over and I can look forward. The one takeaway from it is that I am strong, perhaps stronger than I believe. My therapist is correct in her observations. Today I want to take a sobering look at the potential next steps for my life since Uber is no longer going to be a possibility. If entrepreneurship is still a potential goal, I have to figure out a way to get my name out there.

    The main thing for the next three days, today included, is to rest. If ideas come to me, I will simply jot them down for further exploration and examination next week. My brain needs rest after this week and definitely not further stimulation. I’ve been over-stimulated as a result of the anxiety and depression. The feeling has been super unpleasant so keeping things wound down will be welcome. It may be a challenge to simply jot the idea down for later examination because my particular symptoms of autism wants for me to act on them right away. That simply will not do right now.

    I want to watch some movies and shows with Denisse and just let my worries disappear for a while. I would even enjoy simply keeping Denisse company while she studies for a bit. I could peck away on my laptop.

  • Feeling Somewhat Better

    This morning I think I am feeling somewhat better as a result of the Abilify that my prescriber added to augment the antidepressant. I don’t feel top of the world but I do feel better able to function and I feel some motivation returning. At the very least, I don’t feel like breaking down and crying in public. That is undeniably something.

    I actually feel like I am generating ideas again. I feel like it is easier to think. I will take this small win. It’s going to be a longer day today. I don’t necessarily mind however because it won’t be an expensive one. It’s just going to be a day.

    I hope there is some cheap bodega near my workplace where I could scrounge up some food for lunch. I know of only convenience stores that are, well, shadier than most. Well, that’s about all for now.