I am absolutely fucking angry. I am fit to be tied and I don’t use bad language too often but this is just exactly how I feel. I am so angry that I have an acid pit in my stomach and I did not sleep well last night. I absolutely hate my security guard job. I hate everything about it but it pays well and I have no other choice but to slave away. At least I am not alone and there are other people that hate their jobs. I am so ready to set up a scam or something to get money. People that lead law abiding lives rarely get ahead. It’s the hustlers that make it because they’re willing to do what I’ve been indoctrinated not to.

I have a co-worker that I thoroughly despise. I caught her changing my entries in our team’s daily activity report. I guess last night I grew a pair and said quietly while enunciating my words, “Do not ever edit any of my entries.” Then I spun around on my heal and walked out. I did not even give her an opportunity to say anything. Thankfully, she is not well-loved and nothing will become of it but I said my piece. Maybe I am getting a little bit racist in my old age too. I don’t know anymore. Okay, more like I have a barrel full of anger.

I am so angry that I am motivated to find a new job – yet again. I hate changing employers but this is getting ridiculous. I feel like I just can’t win. The policies change day to day and the communication is very poor. I feel like I am ready to snap so that’s how I know I’ve got to get out of this. Do I hang in there a little bit more and hope to transfer to a different location on the site that I am assigned to guard? Cooler heads always prevail and I know this. But my head is anything but cool. It’s times like these that I get why people snap. A man can only take so much.

It’s been a minute since I’ve written a blog entry. I have been under the weather with a rare summer cold that kicked my ass. Anyhow, I am mostly over it but I find myself upset that my employer literally offers no sick time whatsoever. However, this is commonplace for security guard staffing (and most staffing) companies. You either work or you don’t get paid and this is not a fair or equitable way of conducting business: it’s pure greed and lack of empathy. People get sick and they can’t work safely (or even work at all.) But I am working on something new and exciting with 2 other partners: a potential launch of what could be a big thing.

The bottom line is that sex sells so we are launching a tasteful and elegant porn site that might more appeal to the wealthier and/or refined customer. Sex sells even more in economic downturns as people look for an escape from the doldrums of life. Therefore, it’s time to put our hat in the ring. I have the technical know-how to make this opportunity possible. While I would rather earn money the less seedy way, being a security guard is not getting me ahead. I want to get more than ahead in life – I want money. I am tired of worrying about it.

Right now, the mission is to build a brand and that is what I am prepared to do. What I like about this plan is that it would be wholly possible to do this part-time while it grows. These days something can grow like a wildfire if it can become viral. The key is answering a demand, even if it is not particularly unique. Sex is a demand that is biologically driven.

I am feeling like absolute trash. I am exhausted both mentally and physically. Too much has happened today. This is supposed to be one of my days off but it was mentally taxing. I went through the gamut of emotions today from extreme anxiety to fear of uncertainty and seemingly everything in between. I doubt I’ll be up for much longer as I really just want to go to sleep for the night but I can’t because I will just be awake early only to potentially have a repeat of today, tomorrow. Adulting sure is not easy and I wish I desperately that it could be. What I need is a Delta-9 gummy. Absent of that, I am just going to turn on some new age music and relax.

This upcoming work week is going to be long and tiring. I just have to make it to Wednesday for my appointment at the Department of Labor. I want to get the ball rolling on my computer teaching business and this is the first step and an important one. It’s going to be that step towards self-employment and more independence. Being autistic in the workplace has become overwhelmingly difficult, even for security jobs. I guess the days of having a simple job are just about over. I would be willing to do landscaping, but even that I guess is not going to be a good fit for someone like me.

I wish I was not experiencing all of these emotions right now. I wish I was feeling good and relaxed but I am not. I am ready to cry because of the stress.

This morning I am feeling a lot of mixed emotions and I am having racing thoughts. I am trying to calm them down so I put my headphones on and I am going to listen to some new age music written by Kitaro, a Japanese musician. I found listening to Kitaro after work helped me to calm down significantly. I feel excitement, fear, and maybe a little anger all at once. I am naturally excited to meet my mentor to help get a small business started. I thought I was feeling optimism but I think I am just more excited about trying something new.

At the same time that I feel excited, I also feel fear because of uncertainty and fear of failure. I still have failure in mind as a negative. In the context of business, failure is not negative but a learning experience. All entrepreneurs meet with some failure and success is never a linear progression; always ups, downs, and setbacks. I think the first step is to come up with some sort of business plan and get the ideas swirling in my head onto paper. I’d like to convert these ideas to opportunities.

I also feel a lot of anger and it is quite possibly self-directed. I am angry at myself for being so intractable when I tried to start businesses before in the past. I always just tried to do something in IT but it was a folly. The managed service provider space is really crowded. It’s a shame that it took a mental health inpatient experience to have an epiphany about what it really is that I want to do: teach and mold the next generation of IT pros.

While I was inpatient, the idea came to me in a flash and it seemed exciting but I was dominated by fear of getting started. I was afraid of failing yet again. Now here we are 8 months later and I am taking an actionable first step. I have to create a to-do list. I think if I did this, it might stop some of the swirling thoughts.

As I get older, I appreciate the comforts of home more and more. My desire for wild adventure is calmed down. I really like relaxing, watching TV, and doing fun computer stuff. I don’t really like going out and about much anymore. I think it is because I don’t own a car so going places is an exercise in challenges.

I find I need the time to recharge and relax. It’s tiring and challenging having to work at passing for neurotypical. When I am home, I am free to be me. I like that sense of freedom. I don’t know that I am introverted but I’m definitely exhausted by too much stimulation. I had a lot of it the past two days.

Alas I do not expect that things will get easier. It looks like they might get harder. But at least autumn is around the corner. We’re getting into my favorite time of year. I love from Halloween to Thanksgiving. I don’t like the Christmas and New Year’s season. It’s wrought with too much sadness and disappointment.

At least times have been better because I have a wonderful woman in my life. I need to start thinking about saving for our wedding. We need to make some plans.