Black Cat Blog

Thoughts, Stories, and Ideas

Category: Mental Health

  • Humble Pie Slice

    As the old adage goes, last night I ate a rather prodigious slice of humble pie but I am laughing about it now. Sometimes when we teach ourselves how to do things over the years, we go down rabbit warrens and holes which are our areas of interest. This makes the learning somewhat random and unguided. As a result I ran into a really challenging networking concept that was made even more so by the simple fact that I had never even heard about it. The concept is called TCP offloading.

    In a nutshell, TCP offloading moves some of the TCP processing from the CPU to the actual network card. I think I should have heard about this but did not. Anyhow, it at least partially accounted for the very confounding reason why I could not remotely access my home lab server. I took a brief pause and I think I am about to have another serving of humble pie because I am back to not being able to reach my little tower again. Well, now it turns out the second time is a mismatched subnet mask. This was far simpler.

    I made it to work on time and I feel pretty good because I will be going to a higher paying job; not necessarily a better job but more money and weekly pay will help. Come on background check! Please complete soon. I want to get started on my next endeavor. OPS Security Group blows dawg and it’s time to get the fuck outta dodge. I am excited simply for making more money. I know the company I am going to won’t be any great shakes but the extra $800-$1000 is going to be very helpful.

  • Some Unexpectedly Good News

    I’ve been applying to jobs so that I can get out from under OPS Security Group and all of the nonsense surrounding working for this fly-by-night security company. Yes, I am a security guard but I don’t honestly mind it anymore because I am unlearning the unhealthy ways I’ve been defining myself. I’ve been defining myself by what I do for a living. Well, I really no longer want to do this. I digress ….. I don’t know what possessed me to apply to a security company that twice rejected me but they had a lot of openings so I figured they’d be a little more open to me this time around.

    So I wasted no time at all in filling out the application. Lo and behold I was contacted for an AI interview about 30 minutes later. I completed the AI interview and an hour later I received a conditional offer letter of employment for a $22.00/hour security guard position. So simply taking the time to fill out the application netted me a $5.00/hour raise. Now I just have to wait for the background check completion and New Employee Orientation and OJT to be scheduled. I just cannot wait to be rid of OPS Security Group and its shenanigans. Those phockers can pound sand. It makes me angry that I’ve been so wantonly underpaid. It was a cruel joke and its got a definitive end in sight.

    After finishing out my weekday 4 hour shift at OPS, I stopped by Total Wireless at the recommendation of one of my Uber drivers. He wasn’t joking when he brought up what a great cell carrier it is. I got my sweetheart a Galaxy S25 FE for $199.99 and I chose a Moto G Stylus 2025 freebie. She needed something good and I’ve always had a good experience the Stylus. Last year’s model is no exception – it’s still quite impressive.

  • Feeling Cheerful

    I am not certain why I feel so cheerful this morning other than I think that the low dose of Abilify combined with the Luvox is working quite well. Despite only about 5 hours of sleep, I feel pretty effective. I can always take a nap when I get home after my 4 hour shift. Yesterday I applied to Securitas and Kid Ridez. I am hoping that I hear something back from either or both of them. OPS is getting old and is a pain in the butt to deal with.

    I think I am in a world of hurt. I know I am very overdue on my electric bill and that has got to get paid come tomorrow. I will do it. I also have to get the cell phone situation worked out for Denisse and I. Denisse’s phone is hanging on by a thread and I have got to save us some money somehow. I am thinking the both of us are going to Total Wireless. They have the best offering right now that will get our monthly line expense down to $45 per line and I might be able to get an additional $15 off of my Verizon Fios line. I will also be able to cancel my Disney+ and Hulu subscription because it will be included with our plans.

    I have to remember that I have a therapy appointment this afternoon and I am looking forward to that as well. I rather enjoy being able to chat with Nan. The discussions prove fruitful and I like her very much. I always feel like my head is clearer after a session. It’s a feeling I rarely get with the coping skills. The coping skills are just that – coping. They help with distress tolerance and relief. While not insignificant, they only really help in the moment and not so much for the long term.

    Last night I feared that today was going to feel like a rough day so I was anxious and didn’t feel like tired. I finally went to bed at 12:30. I woke up feeling like things would be good today. And they really are going well so far. Surprisingly, I don’t feel foggy headed. Yes, I could use more sleep but I do feel good. I think this will last to some degree. At least I hope so.

    I want to spend more time looking for greener pastures in terms of employment. That will be the next phase. I think I will do that this morning because everything is stable with the home lab. Spending time on productive matters will help make me feel even better.

  • Today’s Plan

    I think I have a good plan for today. After work I am going to see about working for Securitas in a hospital position that they have advertised or whatever else they may have. It’s time for me to make a change in employment. OPS has really changed their attitude towards me and have become less accommodating and friendly. The change is delicate balance between subtle and overt. I guess that’s the best way to describe it. My colleagues and supervisor have become less friendly and more distant towards me. That’s a sign that I have worn out my welcome at OPS and it is time to move on.

    Then this afternoon I am going to give Kid Ridez a call about being a van driver for them. The pay is good at $21.50 per hour and the hours look to be okay. Plus, it is a Monday through Friday position. This I could like and I could lessen my dependence on OPS for a paycheck or maybe leave altogether. I don’t know just yet but we will see what comes down the pike. All I know is that it is time to be proactive instead of purely reactive. Also, I don’t really want to work 7 days a week if it can be avoided.

    I even brought a change of clothes with me so I am ready to go come 11:00am today. I know at my age I do not care much for change. I like routine and predictability. Presently, a routine is difficult to establish because my job hours are all over the place. The idea is to make things easier on my mental state. I figure if I can do that, life will get easier and better.

    Just before I get home in the early afternoon, I have to make a stop at the Department of Labor. This is one fight that I am looking forward to. OPS denied me overtime pay for July 4th because I took vacation time on July 5th. There is nothing in their handbook allowing this or stating this. Instead of fight it, I listened to what the district manager had to say and basically stated that I understood. Now, I’ll take it to labor and file an official complaint. I’m not going to jump through hoops with a company already looking to can me. This will be fun because I may even get a percentage of the penalties and fines assessed to my employer. That would be a nice little windfall to go towards my wedding. I love my baby girl very much. When I say she’s the best, I truly mean it.

  • Today’s Thoughts

    It’s taken a bit of time but I finally have my home lab the way I want it so I think I can quit think I can quit tinkering. I have one final and small problem to deal with – remote access VPN. It’s still not working 100% but I can use ssh as a workaround so I will. But emails are working and so are the web and app servers. I can call this a 99% victory. I might want to figure out some cloud backup scheme but I don’t really use the cloud anymore and don’t want to go back to it.

    I have to go to work today and I really don’t want to. I don’t feel like making Daniel Costa, the owner of the company I work for, wealthier. He’s already a multi-millionaire and yet somehow pays us less than the average wage. The good news, however, is that next week I will be going to a competitor to apply and hopefully get hired. I will also be looking outside of the security field. I’ve got a lead on a driving job Monday through Friday that pays $4.00 per hour more than I am presently earning. I might keep the weekend shift that I have though.

    Despite feeling somewhat tired, I am in a pleasant state of mind and pretty much ready for whatever life throws at me today. I have to figure out what I will be doing while at work to pass the time. Maybe I will write an article on my tech blog, The TCP/IP Guy. That would be kind of fun. I’ll write an article on IPv6 or WireGuard. I don’t really know just yet. I might even set myself up to watch some shows to pass the time.

  • Feel Like Giving Up

    I feel like giving up this foolish escapade to write a book. I say it’s foolish because I seem to keep on restarting and starting over but getting nowhere at all and learning nothing. Perhaps I wasn’t meant to write a book. Perhaps I should focus my efforts more on video content creation teaching people about networking and systems administration through building computer labs. Maybe it would be more interesting and engaging through recorded content. It will be something that maybe I need to explore.

    I know blogging is kind of falling out of style where as vlogging and short video content is growing in demand. The kids want to learn these days but they want to learn in ways that they know is best to them. Many don’t learn that well from written content and learn much more effectively from short form video content. Is it something that I deign to try? I don’t really know.

  • Days Off

    It is so nice to have some badly needed days off. I managed to get my home lab segmented off from the rest of the home network which I wanted to do for security and privacy. That way if I have guests and they bring their devices, I don’t have to worry as much about viruses. I got that achieved despite it being a pain in the ass. Well, okay, it’s mostly achieved as I still do not understand why my industrial grade OPNsense router is not properly routing WireGuard tunnels but that is troubleshooting for another day. Everything else works including my blog, email, and Mastodon. I am good to go.

    Now I am just chilling with Denisse on the couch and doing my semi-daily blog entry. I did a gummy last night and I am still feeling no pain from it. I love the relaxed, no-care, and emotional pain-free feeling. Everything in my life, save for Denisse, is utter shit right now and I am oddly okay with it. I say oddly because it’s not exactly normal to feel okay about a shit situation. Well, acceptance of things you cannot change is good I guess.

    I am getting Denisse’s birthday gift early this year. I’m buying her a Samsung Galaxy S25 for her 50th. But since things like color and case need to be picked out, it’s something that she should really be involved in. I can deal with having the shitty phone for a bit. She deserves something nice. I also feel good about being able to do something nice for her.

  • Feeling Down

    I’m feeling down because I’m still, at heart, a people pleaser. This has lead to me being overwhelmed and taken advantage of by most work places. My current one is no exception. It’s sad because I work hard but get scraps in return. I believe that it’s time to move on from my present employer.

    I want to learn balance in the workplace and to only take on extra shifts when it is personally beneficial. I stopped doing that with my current employer. I’ve been “taking one for the team” and it’s lead to bitterness and a feeling of unappreciation. I’m just repeating a pattern in my life.

    So maybe I seek out better opportunities and happier circumstances. We shall see! But in order for conditions to become better for me, I have to drop the people pleasing attitude once the interview is over. The interview is a deliberate act. Once I’m hired and have a few weeks under my belt, I can be more selective.

    I still want to continue writing my book. I am just so exhausted that I can hardly think. This isn’t a good situation to be in but what can I realistically do when there are bills to pay and I have to support Denisse. I will add that I love Denisse dearly and I would do almost anything for her. I am proud of her for sticking out the phlebotomy class and doing pretty well at that! I know that once she graduates, she’ll pick something up and then life will be easier for the two of us. We just have to be stoic and keep moving forward.

    I once had a psychiatrist, Joel Goldstein, who made a wise observation that I am stubborn. I never saw myself as stubborn but he was not incorrect and that was something that I needed to process. I think that being a stubborn person has mostly kept me alive and moving forward. Right now I need to channel this stubbornness and stoicism. Doing this may reap some rewards.

  • Saturday Double Shift

    I had difficulty sleeping last night so it was one of those very rare times that I could answer the security operations center when they reached out to me to see if I would do a double shift. Seeing as I couldn’t sleep, I answered that I would and the fact that the site I work at is great! I do need the money as well. This coming week’s paycheck is going to look very nice but I hope I do not burn out. I am not quite a spring chicken anymore.

    I still feel surprisingly good and I managed to write another 600 words on my book. My goal is to average 400-600 words per day of writing. If I can manage that, the book will quickly develop into something. I believe that this is entirely possible provided that I remain in decent health and do not get sick. I am trying to write from a stream of consciousness and not be too concerned with anything other than putting thoughts to paper. This is what my therapist, Nan, would recommend.

    The book I am working on is basically about building home computer labs and growing them in increasing complexities and features. The chapter I am working on is the planning stage. It’s a bit dry but necessary.

  • Feeling Oddly Good

    Despite having a very long week ahead, I am feeling oddly good about it. I think that is largely due to earning a good amount of money. It is kind of a shame though that I will have to work so many hours in order to receive such a nice and helpful paycheck. The trouble is that security guards just are not seen as very important. The salary plight is very real. But I still feel okay about my earnings.

    I had a pretty successful day too. I stood up a self-hosted email server out of my home and got accounts created for myself and Denisse. It feels good getting crap out of the cloud. Corporations are really irresponsible with our data and the best way to recapture our freedom and control is to host our own data using free/open source software. Now I just have to get Denisse to start blogging. I really do it for pure enjoyment and not to monetize it. Hell, I don’t even think I really could monetize it if I wanted to.

    It felt so good to chat with my email hosting provider and tell them I was cancelling my email hosting plan. They wanted to know why and I told them that I would be doing it myself. They tried to use marketing psychology to tell me why this would be a bad idea. So far, I am only seeing upsides. The one downside, if you want to call it that, is I am responsible for the mail server’s reliability. Personally, I don’t care that much. The idea is depriving corporations of money. I found out one reason that my email hosting plan wasn’t terribly expensive is that my data was being sold. Yeah, um, hell no. I am not the product here. Don’t charge me for a product and than monetize me further.

    I am getting closer and closer to beginning to write this book on self-hosting and the home lab. If more and more people did this, Big Technology might lose some money for a change and we might gain substantial freedom. After all, Big Technology has pretty much lawyered up good so you can’t practically go after them for losing your data anyways. Thus you might as well retain 100% control over it and not allow them to make money off of you and your content. I already stopped using most corporate social media. I only actively use Reddit. I only occasionally use Facebook for its marketplace. I can really be found actively on Mastodon, and you guessed it, I host my own Mastodon instance as well.

    I host my own WordPress blog too. All this self hosting takes place on Dell OptiPlex 7060 8th Gen i7 with a 14TB HD and 64GB of RAM. I have fun and get a lot of satisfaction out of it.