I needed to write a second blog entry because things seem hopeless. I know that this is just my brain talking and it is not really the circumstances in play but nevertheless it feels very real. I am trying to find hope amidst the hopelessness that exists in my area. Employment is very hard right now. There just aren’t that many jobs all around. It doesn’t help that I don’t own a car either – it’s actually very limiting. I am wondering what my next move will be.
I was hoping that there would be some armed security positions available but there are none. I feel stuck where I am at and I want nothing more than to quit the unarmed security job I have now. I feel defeated. It seems like it is no longer worth getting the armed security license in Delaware if there are not any jobs. Plus, the neuropathy in my feet is bad enough now that I need a cane so patrol jobs are out of the question.
I am at the point where I don’t know how I am going to make money. With costs of living going up, I may have to go off of Social Security Disability Insurance and try to make money however I can. I do not even know what I am really capable of anymore. I am fighting the feeling of being incompetent and an impostor as an adult. I never made the transition to adulthood really well.
I have an idea to become a remote bookkeeper and do some Coursera learning so that I could make this a reality. However, I am fighting my brain telling me basically what is the use of even trying. I’ve always been long on ideas and short on the follow through. Maybe it is really because I just don’t believe in myself. I don’t believe that I am capable or even that I am worthwhile. I just feel really angry and disappointed in myself. I feel like a failure.
How do I lift myself out of this? How do I snap out of it? Maybe I go back to basics and reread Small Business For Dummies? Perhaps that will get me to start thinking again about being an entrepreneur and how to plan. I am sad and defeated. I really feel all used up; the better years physically are behind me. I don’t even know why Denisse stays with me.
I don’t really know what to do right now or how to approach the rest of my life. I’m not even convinced anymore that I would make a good social worker. I don’t even know that I have it in me to do what it takes to become one. It might be time to pick myself up and dust myself off again. I am tired … very tired. I almost wouldn’t mind if something catastrophic happened to me and died. But again that’s the bad voice in my brain talking. The one I am trying so desperately to silence.