I should feel pretty good about it being spring and all but I don’t I feel very down and worthless. My nightmares last night were vivid reminders of the missed/lost opportunities of night. I feel so unbelievably sad that I cannot concentrate worth a damn. I just feel like sobbing. I missed lost love and family opportunities; just not a good person. I live in fear and self-pity.
Now I am going to lose my mom to Alzheimer’s and I need to go visit her in memory care but I am working every goddamned day just to stay afloat. I think I am going to see her after work on Monday or Tuesday. I feel tremendous guilt for not going. I’m fighting my own demons and seeing her continue to decline is going to make me feel worse. However, I do not want to live in regret so I will visit her this week.
I had a high school crush on girl named Alynn Capoferri. I had a dream about her that I was pining after her but could not see her. Oh well. My nightmare was like a black and white, infrared photograph with brief moments of color. I think that was the best way to describe it. The Nickelback song, Photograph, really sums it up.
I hate being autistic and suffering from major depressive disorder. It is an absolute curse – like living in a special kind of inescapable hell. I should be happy because I found a woman that I love to pieces and would never dream of cheating on her. But the reality on the ground is that I am suffering immensely. I feel used up and I feel like I will just continue to decline. Maybe that’s for the best. Maybe the Republican’s are right and if I cannot produce, the best place for me is the ground. That’s how I feel right now.
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