Author: House Panther

Yesterday was a mentally and emotionally tough day and there is no other way I can really explain it. The stress of money is real and I am worried about how I will make ends meet because I am going to lose my Social Security Disability Insurance when combining Uber and a part-time security job. However, I think I can really make this happen, but only if I hustle. The good news about Uber is I can stay local and turn off the app any time that I need a rest.

Last night after work, I was fighting a mental breakdown. Today I am proud of myself for winning the fight and not succumbing to all of the thoughts swirling in my head. It helped tremendously to simply and gently rub Denisse’s back. The simple act of caring for another being helped me to relax enough to fall asleep. Last night was a combination of anger and saddness. Being poor and working is tough.

I had to work an extra two hours yesterday to cover the transportation between work and home. Since no public transportation was operating, I had to depend on my employer for the discounted Lyft rides. If I tried to do this on my own, the cost would have been prohibitive. I feel like my employer should be giving monetary recognition to those that made the effort to get to work despite the obstacles. My employer probably won’t because they see a dollar figure when they look at me; not the human being that I am.

I am fundamentally convinced that my employment as a security guard through a security company means I am the whore and they’re the pimp. The company definitely gets the better end of the deal and we are subject to abuse through threats of write-up, discipline, and termination. When we do make an effort to go above and beyond, we instead increase the expectations placed on us as individuals. The whole thing feels inescapable.

This was quite the storm and so early in winter because February is statistically the snowiest month in the area I live in. This storm hit in January. I wonder if this is a harbinger of things to come. All State of Delaware offices are closed today and non-essential employees have been told to stay home. How the state does not consider its transit system non-essential, I will never know. This leaves me in a pickle because I don’t know how I am going to make it into work for me 4pm-12am security guard shift this afternoon.

I told my boss and he offered me two options: (1) I make it to work or (2) I get written up for a no-show. I wanted to use some snark right back and ask him they invented a teleportation machine yet. I looked at Lyft and Uber prices but they’re out of sight! They’re charging between 45-50 dollars for what is tantamount to a 3 mile ride. Gotta love capitalism! There is no way I am going to Uber round trip at that cost. I would only earn 36.00 an hour before taxes. After taxes, that would be a statistically insignificant 9.00 for an 8 hour shift. Yeah, um, no.

So obviously I am going to take the write-up. At least, I have a phone interview with a hiring manager for another security company tomorrow at 9:30. It also pays 5.00 per hour more. In these days and times when employers will easily discard their employees without notice, you have to look out for yourself and your own needs. In a hyper capitalist country, no money means no food and no shelter. Be damned if I am going to end up on the streets.

The one thing I can look forward to are my state and federal tax refunds. Once I get my federal refund, I might just give the proverbial middle finger to security and Uber full time with a rented car. This will most likely be a better way to reach my ultimate goal of starting my information technology education and training business. I’d have to hustle but if I could average a gross of 1-2K per week, I just might be able to make something happen. I’d have to run some numbers.

The United States tends to be unusually cruel to the poor and middle income working class. I am not a young man anymore and I thought that my hustling days would be long behind me. Alas, I find myself in the sad position of having to hustle. It gets harder to do as we age. I am going to be 49 this year and my health is really only fair at this point. I will hustle and see how long I can do it. The secret will be really adequate sleep and hydration to recover.

My best case scenario may be to hold down a part time job 2 days a week and Uber for the other 4-5. I still have yet to run the numbers.

Last night, while watching The Conjuring: Last Rites with Denisse I got an inspiration of things that I can do to build my business. I am beginning to form a plan in my mind but it is slow going. I even started thinking about designing curriculum, etc. I will have to design some of my own curriculum because I will be going off script a little bit. My IT training and education business is going to be more than simply getting folks ready for certification exams: it’s going to make them well-rounded in the underlying technologies.

So I need to brainstorm some curriculum and labs for DNS, LAN/WAN networking, setting up web servers with NGINX and Apache, plus more. The idea is to have everyone really ready to enter the workforce, not simply getting them specialty knowledge of a vendor’s product that could become obsolete or even discontinued quickly. Technology is so rapidly advancing that it is almost obsolete by the time that it comes to market.

I am also thinking about teaching some state of the art, not yet generally used technologies to showcase the possibilities of what can be done. I want to attract the kind of student that is not just seeing dollar signs in front of their eyes, but wants a solid foundation in not just how corporate networks work but how the internet itself works. Hence it makes sense to teach protocols.

I usually detest ChatGPT and other AI platforms but they can have a real use for things like outlining and brainstorming when writer’s block hits. Writer’s block usually hits me before I even get started, LOL. So I am slowly learning to see the value of AI in helping get past writer’s block. That much said, I will never trust it for accuracy; simply ideas only. Today’s mission is to start thinking and actively planning curriculum and courses.

I finally got the courage to form my own small business in Delaware called Avvira Global LLC. For now it will just be for some generic business activity like driving for Uber and providing “consulting and professional services.” This was a huge step for me because I was a scared and filled with trepidation from past mistakes. But I had to take the first step and the first step is done. I will be my own single-member LLC and I am going to make a go at it.

Once I have enough in savings, I would like to morph my activities into information technology training and education. But this requires a lot more steps as it is considered a regulated business and I would need to gain approval through the Delaware Department of Education among other Delaware government entities. I know I have a road ahead but it is somewhat exciting.

With all of the ability I have in IT, I think the next logical step for me is to become my own training school. I would love to teach future generations how to be competent network and systems engineers. I want to offer labs that show how the actual internet and TCP/IP networks operate. What if I can better prepare students for the rapidly increasing digital world? What if I can give my students a well-rounded foundation to get them started professionally such that they know more than theory. They can get their hands down and dirty into complex problems.

I know I am going to have to develop a semi-customized curriculum in addition to the approved training materials that a vendor may provide. This will probably be somewhat challenging. I’ll have to engage a LMS like Moodle. I know I will probably need an ERP System like ERPNext. So much to do and so much to brainstorm. But I feel like something exciting might come out of this. I am hopeful but taking it very slow and measured.

I feel inexplicably sad today and like a clock inside of me is winding down. I have the sound in my head of the Felix-shaped clock’s meow. The sound triggers tears in my eyes and reminds me that I have maybe two and a half decades left where I will be, at best, lucid. There’s no way of knowing what it will be but I don’t understand why I feel so sad right now.

I don’t know what I am going to do because right now I feel like I am living in survival mode. I feel like I’m just fighting to live; that everyday is a struggle. I just arrived to work and I feel like I could break down in tears at any minute. Last night, for the first time in my life, I had a sleep walking incident. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I saw that I was sleeping in my underwear, tee shirt, and a hoodie. I knew I went to bed wearing sweats and socks. This has really set the tone for today. I am wondering what is happening next. Am I losing my marbles?

Where I work is thoroughly demoralizing and the pay, at 2.00 an hour above minimum wage, does nothing to relieve it. It seems all I ever do is worry about money. This week was an epic suck fest. Denisse and I even had a few squabbles. I hate squabbles but I know that is part of love and marriage. I tell myself that I will never go to bed angry with Denisse. Today is a given, tomorrow an unknown.

I am sad because I see my dream of teaching information technology to adults and teenagers slipping away from me. It’s making me cry. I’ve got to get this under control because I work as a security guard inside a police station. It just would not be a good look for a 6’4″ male security guard to break down in tears. If I can just last these 8 hours. I could sit on the porch at home and cry until I feel better. Despite the cold, I may just do that.

Well, maybe I am going to reach out next week to my DVR counselor and tell her that things have changed dramatically in my life and that I will no longer be able to attend the University of Delaware due to affordability and medical reasons. I suppose I should be sad but I am relieved on one level because school is stress and there are other avenues for learning. I am going to have to resume my class on Financial Literacy on Khan Academy but take it in small bites I suppose. The complex terms are tough.